Has anyone 'settled' with a man who isn't their soulmate?

[snackmonster]

Hiya all
Just wondering if anyone has experienced being in a relationship with someone who perhaps isn't "the one" but have decided to make them their life partner/have children with them successfully? Do you think sometimes waiting for that perfect man who ticks all the boxes can sometimes mean you leave starting a family too late?

Tbh, I think that the idea of soul mates, the one and ticking boxes is nonsense.

But then it depends on what you mean by soulmate, the one and what your ticklist comprises of.

It depends what you mean by 'settling'.

Personally, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be with someone who had 'settled for' me.

Plus, no one is 'perfect'.

"Settling" like there's a little voice in your head saying you could do better. Quite a horrible thing to think but I expect it's pretty normal. I wonder whether that voice should be trusted or not basically. I.e. in this case I could be projecting my own insecurities and feelings about what a boyfriend should be onto the relationship which is making me feel dissatisfied

What are your dissatisfactions with the relationship? There must be reasons you think you are settling, maybe look at those?

Yes- had DS with someone that I liked a lot and did love but I knew it wasn’t THE love I had always dreamt of. Over the years it just felt more and more wrong. I didn’t feel like “me” around him and I didn’t feel like he “got” me. We split when DS was 2. I’m now with someone that I DO feel THE love for- it’s completely different than anything I’ve felt before. I love him Completely and I would never advise anyone to settle. I know people say that butterflies and all that don’t exist/matter- but they do. Years on and I still feel utterly loved up and wouldn’t trade him for the world.

I think because he doesn't fulfill all these tick boxes of what the perfect partner and baby daddy should be, or he isn't who I imagined ending up with. I feel like my thinking is all wrong and I should focus on the positives

Hi @NotaCoolMum, that's really interesting and great advice, thanks. I'm glad you are with someone who is right for you now 😊 with my partner I definitely do feel like "me" and I often feel like we are two peas in a pod. But - this sounds so horrible btw - in my head he doesn't live up to my standards or who I imagined spending my life with. I love being with him but I get this urge to find someone "better" (I think I must be a horrible person! Please don't judge me too harshly)

I thought that's what I was doing when I got engaged but I'm very much in love with my DH now. We've been together 14 yrs.
I recommend this book
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
Book by Lori Gottlieb

If you feel you want someone better, that feeling is unlikely to go away.

Thank you @beautifulmonument! I will order that book now!

I am worried about that @CloudPop. I have thought life coaching or counselling might help to challenge the thoughts I have maybe? We did break up for a bit but it was horrible and I regretted it deeply

OP I feel like I'm in exactly the same position as you. My DP is the most perfect man, we are so happy together and have so much fun, and we never argue but I always feel like there's always something missing but I have no idea what! Like you say i think it's that soulmate/the one feeling.
When I picture my future I see us married with children etc and can't imagine my life going any other way, there's just always this little voice in my head saying 'is this right though?'
The thought of leaving him devastates me though?! I really wish someone could just tell me what to do as I feel like I might regret it in 15 years time if I stay but also regret it in 15 years time if I leave, I really can't see myself finding someone else like him.

Hi OP,
I think it depends what you mean by settling. If you had an idea in your head of what your future husband might be like, then your DP doesn't live up to that idea, you might think of that as settling, even though he might be absolutely great and you're totally in love.
If you're not totally in love, but he's a nice man etc, and that's what you mean by settling, I think that's a slightly different question.

What do you mean by finding someone "better"? Do you mean better suited to you, or better by Western standards of what a successful man should be?

You’re not a horrible person OP AT ALL 💐💐💐 someone can be perfectly nice and treat you well etc but it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily going to feel the way you want to feel towards them xx

@carolebaskinfedhimtothetigers and @snackmonster- it took me ages to end it with my Ex (NOT SAYING EITHER OF YOU SHOULD BY THE WAY!💐).... I look back now and realise that although I didn’t love him in the way I wanted to- I WAS attatched To him. There is a very subtle but important difference between the two. I think it’s what makes people hang on to relationships for so long. Only you know how you feel- if it’s enough to make you happy. I wish you both all the best whatever your future holds x

How long have you been together,?

Do you have previous relationships/ partners that you didn't feel this with?

What age range are you?

I'm interested that you previously split up and regretted it deeply but still have these feelings.... To me if I were you that could maybe suggest some counselling for you could be helpful.

Yes, going against the grain slightly, I couldn’t be happier with my decision.

My husband is a lovely man, and I love him as my lifetime partner, the father of my children, a good, honest, gentle and reliable person.

In return, I try to be thoughtful, loving, considerate and kind.

I seriously thought of having a baby as a single woman. It’s often touted on threads here. Had I gone down that route, I would have used up my savings to get pregnant in the first place, had a brief maternity leave and then had a six month old baby in childcare five days a week, high stress levels, only one child, no extended family at all.

As it is, I get to have a year off with my baby. He or she will only have to attend nursery three days a week (NOT a dig at working parents at all, just I think we all agree it’s so much better when care can be shared.) my baby will have a brother or sister, cousins, grandparents.

I believe this was the best choice for me and a family, long term.

Can you just try and look at this from his perspective? How awful is it that he's wasting his life on a person who thinks they have 'settled' for him?

I don't believe in soulmates but I do believe in strong foundations for relationships and 'settling' for someone indicates a lack of respect for them.

Same as NotCoolMum i had 3 children with exH but never really felt as though he was the love of my life who I couldn't live without. Especially as, over time he became my 4th child! We divorced after 20 years together - very sad but amicable - it still hurt when he said "now the children are leaving home I should be looking forward to spending more time with you but I''m not". Its how I'd felt for years .

Now with someone who, again, I feel isn't how I imagined the love of my life or soulmate would feel/be. I do love him but if he wasn't around life would carry on - I don't see us sharing a home together at all. There are lots of things about him that I feel I've 'settled' for and find myself wondering if I should end it because of this but something stops me . Maybe I really do fear being on my own or maybe I need him more than I realise.

Yes.Dont do it.I was married for 8 years to the first person who treated me right.

i think soulmate feelings can fluctuate tbh. Its a feeling within you thats a complex hormonal reaction. Its not a sign from the gods or your souls ACTUALLY being aligned.
Ive felt the soulmate connection with people in two different relationships Ive had and also in friendships It doesnt necessarily last

It’s really impossible for us to say without more information. As someone pointed out up thread, you split with him then regretted it, but that could be you having difficulty with ‘endings’.
OTOH, maybe you think you aren’t a match intellectually, or he doesn’t turn you on, or you just don’t have enough in common. And you just don’t have the guts to go through with it.

newnsmejustforthis I’m very glad things worked out for you 🙂

Soulmates don't exist. The 'fantasy bond' that people like to imagine connects people is a psychological delusion.

Find someone who makes you happy, treats you well and who you fancy the pants off of. They don't have to be Prince Charming.

For the record- I don’t believe in “Soulmates” but I definitely do believe that some people are much more suited than others and that it is possible to find someone you absolutely ADORE.

Wow I didn't expect to get so many responses. Everyone has very different opinions, I'm surprised that a few of you have or are experiencing the same thing as me though! For the people asking - I'm 25 (so although I'm still "young", I would absolutely love to have a family in the next couple of years - I've been broody forever). I love my boyfriend - he is a wonderful man through and through. He's kind, considerate, loving, we share the same core values (like having a family), and I do genuinely love him. Where I struggle is harder to pinpoint - I feel like everyone else has found their ideal match whereas I sometimes feel like we aren't exactly meant to be, and I'm sometimes a bit embarrassed about some of his habits, and I worry people think we aren't suited. I recognise this is probably my insecurities and my flaws talking - he is a wonderful person and doesn't deserve to be thought of in this way! I fully acknowledge that. I want to work on challenging these thoughts because I don't think they are fair. But I can't help obsessing whether we are meant to be or not.