Has anyone 'settled' with a man who isn't their soulmate?

[snackmonster]

Hiya all
Just wondering if anyone has experienced being in a relationship with someone who perhaps isn't "the one" but have decided to make them their life partner/have children with them successfully? Do you think sometimes waiting for that perfect man who ticks all the boxes can sometimes mean you leave starting a family too late?

@carolebaskinfedhimtothetigers sounds like we are of the same mindset! I've ordered the book someone recommended above, maybe you could give it a go too? And I think I should do some life coaching or something, I just wish it wasn't so costly 😞 I completely understand though. It's like you don't want to throw away something that could work and give you everything you want - just because there might be someone slightly better out there for you. I suppose it is a risk and you have to make the choice to either cause some pain to you both and break it off at some point - or learn to manage your feelings and address the root of the insecurity somehow? I'm hoping that through some life coaching I might get some answers into my own mindset haha!

What sort of habits, snack?

I think for me, I love my husband in every way but there isn’t a strong sexual attraction, and it is hard for me to get past this, if I am honest.

@Cavagirl I think it's definitely more what we consider in society to be a successful man (more financially secure, confident etc etc). But some of it could be more what I think would make us a better match perhaps but I don't think about that so much

Settling" like there's a little voice in your head saying you could do better

That would be unfair on both of you, tbh.

What are these qualities you are looking for in a perfect partner though?

Intelligent, positive social attitude, kindness, honesty, loyalty, good personal hygiene, employed/employable, good work ethic etc are just positive qualities of a good person.

Why would you be settling? Is he lazy, selfish, a gamer who prioritises that over everything else, unkind, disrespectful, takes drugs etc?

Or is it that he must earn 6 figure salary, must wear suits, must be good looking, must be over 6ft etc Because those are shallow and meaningless yet some women do value them highly!

Again, I can't imagine anything worse than being with someone who thought they could do better. That's horrible.

I settled with someone who's company I loved! Wasn't sexually attracted to them though. We parted ways and I only wish we'd never got together. Could have been a wonderful friend. He deserved someone who fancied him.

There is no such thing as ‘soulmates’. The idea that, of all the billions of people in the world, of whom you will encounter only a few thousand in the course of your life, you happened to meet the only one who is destined to be your life partner is ridiculous if you think about it for more than a few seconds.

I have been very happy with DP for over 20 years, but since we have been together I have met at least two other people with whom I could very easily imagine being in a long-term relationship.

@TheAirbender yes of course I can see it from his perspective. But I posted this because I believe that relationships aren't always black and white. We all have baggage and we all have flaws. I am reaching out and trying to get some insight from people who might have some advice from experience they can offer me here!

I also honk it's v common at our age,25, to have those thoughts. Whether they matter depends on the relationship. I got over mine after realising it was just an expression of my overall anxiety (I have OCD too) about what direction my life was going in.

I moved jobs and the thoughts went away and I truly adore my partner.

If you've been together a long time it can be natural to feel these beings - especially so young as you may feel like you haven't seen enough of the world/ met enough people to settle down.

Although if you've got the 'ick' I'm not sure hat won't just get worse

I don’t believe in soul mates but I think you’re describing settling and while I understand it I also think that the domestic drudgery of a long year relationship and kids is hard and when DH is royally pissing me off it’s that underlying deep love that gets us through it. I think the risk of settling is that when life is tough there isn’t enough to pull you through as a couple.

I don't believe I'm soulmates

I thought my ex husband was my soulmate we met she we were 7 and kept finding each other. He was not the best match for me despite us laughing a lot and being thought the most romantic perfect couple. He turned out to be a controlling abusive partner to me and the DC - it was "fine" (but it wasn't really , all roller coaster ride) until we had a baby. It was only "fine" when he got his way and was centre of attention, He continues to be a terrible unreliable Dad who avoids paying any maintenance not even a penny, hiding his income and where he lives.

I'd love a decent kind nice man, that I love and adore. We don't have to see eye to eye on everything as long as there is mutual respect, love , attraction and kindness.

The grass isn't greener out there, it's full of men and women with baggage and flaws.

@GameofChess I don't doubt I struggle with breaking up, and I can't say for sure that didn't play a part in us getting back together. But I have broken up with people before (boyfriends of 3 years+) and it felt like a relief. This time I felt like a fool and I felt absolutely devastated, like I'd ruined my life. He definitely turns me on and we have plenty of good conversations. I think the reasons I feel like I'm settling are more to do with what I think an ideal future husband should be like?

I read the book mentioned up thread. I got engaged to him. I married him. I had a child with him. It was not the right decision. I feel i was swayed by the book because it told me what I wanted to hear. Looking back I should have left him although to be honest his true character was never revealed until we had our child. And we’d been together more than a decade when we married! Now we are in an unhappy marriage and I often feel resentful towards him as we are just too different as people and have different expectations and standards. I think if you’re having doubts they are there for a reason and you should move on.

@FourBunnies it's really to do with how I perceive he will be as a husband and father I think. He is full of love and kindness so I couldn't fault him there. But no DIY skills, not the best job, can't drive. I understand why you would think less of me 😞 if it helps I have discussed some of this with my partner, obviously using kinder language and coming from a bit of a different angle. We know that we separately need to work on things to make this relationship successful

It really does depend, I don't think there's such a thing as "soulmates" either. If it's "other people not thinking that we're a good match" then definitely ignore that.

At one stage, I was unsure about my now husband as he wasn't as attractive as previous partners, or as "cool", but something someone said in passing made me realise he actually made me so much happier than any of my exes. And it turns out that's much more important.

So basically it comes down to a class thing ? He is not your typically upwardly mobile successful or on the path to being successful guy ?
I do understand where you are coming from. I was v v ambitious when I was younger and while money wasn't a motivating factor I wouldn't have married a bin man even if we got on like a house on fire as I believe those fundamental differences cause huge problems once life and kids get thrown into the mix
Its a hard one but you are still v young so have plenty of time to waste

I met, settled and had my DC with a man who I thought was absolutely perfect for me at the time.
15 years on I'm a completely different person. I now feel like my real self and have overcome a lot of difficulties and issues I had when I met DP in my late 20s.
Dp hasn't changed at all but I have and it's so obvious to us both that we are absolutely not suited and very far from the soulmates we once thought.
We are, however, muddling along together but it's hard having to try.

@CorianderLord definitely don't have the ick! 😜

Seeing your update, if he's not got any DIY skills, then you get some, or learn together. Don't get stuck in stereotypes, if you are a true partnership, it doesn't matter who does what. And it's safer in the long run not to be relying on a man to be the one who drives, does DIY, brings in most money...

I don't think your man sounds like your soulmate.
I think you have a completely different Outlook and expectations from the off.

@workshy44 I suppose it is sort of a class thing. I think also a skill thing? I think I expect perfection which is of course entirely unreasonable and unrealistic too. I know I am young - I wish I could be more like a young person and not think about having babies all the time

I think it really depends what he doesnt tick.

Is he less good looking than your exs or who you generally go for?
What are the bad habits you mentioned? Boring his nails Vs coarse swearing in front of your family would feel v different to me.
Re job, is it that he didn't earn enough to keep you / give you the life you want / expect / have or is it they others won't be impressed cos it doesn't have a fancy title?

Is he emotionally available and honest whereas in the past you've had to work harder for a guys love?
Does he treat you better than ex's so it feels fake or like he's not a man's man?

There's a difference between seeking for a guy who isn't, into, good enough and being with a guy who is different than what you thought you needed

Thanks @NameWitheld123. I am definitely worried about that. That's crazy you didn't see that side of him until you'd been together 10 years! I hope things work out for you

@TheSmallAssasin you're right 😊 thanks

@SleepingStandingUp his bad habits aren't even that bad at all when you put it like that 🤔 he's really lovely to me, treats me nicely and is respectful of me. I definitely feel like it's me who has the problems, not him!