Has anyone 'settled' with a man who isn't their soulmate?

[snackmonster]

Hiya all
Just wondering if anyone has experienced being in a relationship with someone who perhaps isn't "the one" but have decided to make them their life partner/have children with them successfully? Do you think sometimes waiting for that perfect man who ticks all the boxes can sometimes mean you leave starting a family too late?

I also think soulmate a bit silly idea.

I married my DH, it is IMO very successful marriage. If I hadn't married him, I'd have married someone else. We might have been equally content, or might have been sl worse but workable, or it could have been a disaster. There could have been aspects in another marriage better than the same aspects in this. I think there is a lot of men I could have married instead but the point is I married this one.

He is my closest person, he has my back, we both love our DCs more than anyone else in the world will ever do. We can face problems and get through them. He is a great friend and we do have a laugh (often about things that no one else really gets, and/or would find totally inappropriate - but we know each other so well, we know why it is funny). He'd drop everything if I needed him. He is a great parent and all in all a decent human being.

I am married to a wonderful (and very handsome) man, however when we met I was very ‘meh’ and thought he was a bit boring. It took me a long time to warm up to the whole thing and I was convinced it wasn’t going anywhere. I’d had a long term, on-off relationship before him for years with someone I just couldn’t seem to do without. He treated me badly, he was absolutely stunning to look at and I was drawn to him like no one else. We both carried on whilst having other boyfriends/girlfriends and it was extremely passionate. He was a bad boy but we had moments where he would tell me he loved me, wanted to make a proper go of it etc.

I still think about him sometimes and wonder what could have been. Sometimes I think he is the only person I’ve been with that knows the ‘real me’ and vice versa. But fundamentally although I thought he was ‘the one’ for a long time, I think to actually live with and build a life with it would have been a complete disaster. It was lust and excitement and he’s actually probably just a bit of a twat.

Do you think it is a lack of lust? Or a more fundamental mis match? Or just a slow burner? which in my case turned out to be just what I needed although I didn’t know it

@snackmonster thank you I hope it does for you too.

I think it helped that I had been in a previous long-term relationship, and that I was a bit older too. My husband and I met at 31, and those 6 years from 25-31 meant I knew myself much better, and had the self-awareness and confidence to be more open minded and less prejudiced.

Knowing yourself and being prepared to change are skills I am still developing at 38!

I don't think we are soulmates, but this is a life I am happy with and not very many things fit neatly in boxes.

Yes. .I found him but I had to walk away. I am now happily married with one child.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it sounds more like your "soulmate" just isn't who you thought it might be. That a good thing. Life can be very boring if we always get exactly what we think we want. I have no idea if your relationship has legs but it's good you're starting to challenge your preconceptions of "the perfect man". My husband... Wasn't someone I could have imagined spending my life with , I certainly never expected to be with him for 26 years, but I'm really lucky to have him. And I'm so glad we stayed together.. it's not always easy but its worth it.

Good luck OP.

@LoganberryOakley2 that's such a lovely post

The fact that you're questioning it seems that you already know you're settling.

I've been married once and swore that I would never marry again. I dated and had casual relationships following my divorce and my viewpoint didn't change. I then met a man who changed everything. I'm fifty, not fifteen and I'm certainly not wearing rose tinted glasses, but the way I feel about him is completely different to anyone else. I not only have changed my mind about never marrying again but I really do want to marry him. We both feel exactly the same.

Don't settle, life is too short.

Yes, I get it. I also feel I haven't married my soul mate - by which I mean we are so different and often struggle to communicate or see things the same way. I don't think he gets me (and although I think I get him, maybe I don't). We have both been on the same path in terms of agreeing about big life decisions, but we frequently feel irritated by each other and with DC growing up, some of our values are proving to be more different than I thought.

But, I was with someone for many years before DH and we were definitely soul mates BUT I ended up falling out of love with him probably because we were too similar and there needs to be some yin/yang to keep the spark going maybe...

May I ask why he doesn't drive? The three examples you gave make it sound like they are turn offs. This early on, that would worry me, especially if they are indicators of laziness or passivity (both would be a massive turn off for me).

There is no such thing as the perfect child, either. OP is going to have a serious problem with motherhood.

Just seen one of your posts that refers to people on social media settling down and having babies which is making you feel like it's time. You do know that's not a sensible way to measure your own life, don't you? I hadn't clocked you were so young. Please, don't look at people you don't know and think it's a trend you need to follow. The most important thing is that you love yourself and know what you want from life.

Don't settle, life is too short.

Actually I think life is too short not to settle. If we had 100 years to sift through thousands of people maybe we'd find our perfect match but since we don't, we have to take who we find if we want a partner.

I don't believe in soul mates. It's easy to imagine that your "soul mate" would have everything your current DP has, plus everything he doesn't have. In reality, the next guy would be better in some ways and worse in others.

Now you are only 25 so no need to rush in to marriage. Maybe you aren't suited and will break up at some point. Forget finding the perfect DP though and just think about whether you are happy.

Also, a person can be amazing in lots of ways but still not right for you. You don't have to have a reason for breaking up if you just aren't feeling it. Someone can be the nicest, most loving and caring partner in the world and still not be right for you. Just be aware the grass isnt always greener.

@snackmonster I have twice been the one who was ‘settled for’ and then dumped when the soulmate came along.
One ex has jumped from soulmate to soulmate to soulmate since and the other has stayed single bar the odd short term fling.

In both cases they tried to ‘win’ me back by admitting they had an idealised version of what a soulmate relationship would be, that didn’t stand the test of reality.

One thought it should be butterflies and passion forever, the other that the perfect relationship was one where he should be the centre of the universe, no arguments with everything his own way.

They both had a much higher standard they held the women they dated to than they held themselves to, socially, financially, educationally.

It was devastating to hear that I was not meeting standards I never even knew existed but I’m glad they ended things because I deserved better than to be with someone blamed me for their own issues.

If you are always going to feel shortchanged by your partner when comparing him to a fantasy, then, with respect, he deserves to have the chance to find someone who judges him on who he is, not who he isn’t.

Sorry to say it, but I'm out the other side of having "settled"...

Had that little nagging doubt but thought it was good enough - he had plenty of flaws but was at heart a good man. It meant that any time something went wrong (infidelity, alcoholism and gambling 🙄) I coped with it relatively well as I was just coasting anyway... Two children later, still coasting... Then gradually it broke completely, I wasn't putting up with half a life anymore, trying to keep everyone else happy while I was miserable. Ten years we were married, what a waste of a decade (except the DCs, obviously)

Now I am very happy, no need to settle. Wish I'd never been in that place where I felt I had to

I think the problem is, there is a middle ground between "all relationships are perfect, if your partner is anything less than your absolute soulmate they aren't the right person" and "real relationships require work, it's not all hearts and flowers".
People imo tend to get mentally stuck in either one of these, or the other.

No marriage or relationship is perfect. Everyone has flaws, everyone has bad habits. We are all human.

Is he the person you can see your self with in ten or twenty years time? Are you in love with him, not just love but in love.

Stuff like not being able to drive or do diy are things that can be worked on. Can you do diy? It’s not a man’s job. Have you talked about him learning to drive?

I wouldn’t settle. If I’d had married my ex bf I would have settled. He wasn’t ambitious, worked part time, had no goals and no desire to get a better job that stopped me paying for everything, played computer games all the time and ignored me and didn’t like me going out. If we had got married we would had ended up divorced. I met my now DH and couldn’t be happier, he isn’t perfect, he’s messy and isn’t great at DIY, but he loves me and our children, is ambitious and encourages me to be the best I can be. He also loves cooking and makes me laugh. I also fancy the pants off him. I’m so glad I met him. I feel lucky, I hope he does too!

Also, you’re only 25, don’t panic.

Thank you @Cavagirl, that's really kind of you to say that.

No one is perfect at all things. And inevitably there is always someone who is going to be better for you. Depends if you want to wait or not.

Also your feelings towards an individual can change over time as life progresses, either positively or negatively.

It's a bit like food. You may love a good spag bol but having it every single day for the rest of your life can get boring quickly. All people will crave for a dirty burger sometimes...

@2bazookas why be so unkind? I am not just OP, I'm a person too, with feelings. I am kind and empathetic, I love animals and children and spend every day caring for both. I hope I will make a good mum, and I will love my children whoever they turn out to be. There's no need to be cruel and try to upset me

It's all very well holding out for your 'soulmate' - but just beware. He may be YOUR soulmate, but that doesn't mean you are HIS, and it hurts even more when you thought you were for life and he decides to leave...

@Zaphodsotherhead I'm not holding out for my soulmate 😊 trying to learn to accept my relationship as it is and not expect the world.

I don’t believe in soul mates as such but wouldn’t ever settle for a partner I didnt truly love and them me.

I can’t imagine ever settling just for the sake of finances or a child, unfair on the person involved. I wouldn’t want my children to be settled for just because someone wanted them to provide x, y and a.

Yes I think so. The one I consider soul mate though would have been a disastrous marriage for a number of reasons. DH and I have a much healthier relationship as is he with his wife. Neither of us regret the decision we made - we are both very happy. I still have a lot time and love for him but it’s different now. But in particularly distressing times we do occasionally reach out usually just for a phone call because we just ‘get’ one another.

I married the man I 100% loved and wanted to be with. I didn't settle.

Then life happened, he became an alcoholic, abused our DDs and threatened to kill me and I booted him out. Honestly, all this nonsense about soulmates - there's no such thing. Even if it feels totally right it can go tits up, so don't cling on waiting for Prince Charming. It'll always be a lottery.