Has anyone 'settled' with a man who isn't their soulmate?

[snackmonster]

Hiya all
Just wondering if anyone has experienced being in a relationship with someone who perhaps isn't "the one" but have decided to make them their life partner/have children with them successfully? Do you think sometimes waiting for that perfect man who ticks all the boxes can sometimes mean you leave starting a family too late?

I don't believe in soulmates, but it sounds like there is just something missing for you? I dont think the things you mention would seem so important if you were really in love with him.

You are young and life is too short to be in a relationship that ultimately isnt right, its not fair on either of you.

So what isn't right op? What would you change if you could?

snackmonster

Ok. Not being able to drive is a bit of an issue when children come along but my exh didn't learn to drive until he was 35 because he caught the train to work, wasn't car obsessed and eventually just viewed it as a necessary evil and so learnt.

None of us can drive until we learn so that is a fairly easy one to resolve.

Is he going to be in this job for the rest of his life? Is it a status or an income thing? Would you think this was 'wrong' if a woman held the job? Do you earn more than him? Or have a higher status job?

You're right, society in general does place parameters on what a 'successful man' is, but you dont need to subscribe to it.

Put it this way, my bf isn't quite as tall as me and I'm just why of 5'3 and a half! He's been rejected by women his whole life because of it - they've all missed out!

I once worked with a male Teaching Assistant whose wife was a Head Teacher. Lovely man! Should she have rejected him because his job status wasnt high enough?

Other people's opinions don't matter. Don't live your life by fear of what other people think!

Do you have DIY skills? If not is that a problem? If you do, why is it a problem that he doesn't?

My ex h had none and once we'd got past accusations of how I was 'emasculating' him by tiling the bathroom 🙄 he was happy for me to get on with DIY while he made cake and tea for me at break time!

A lot of what you're describing is just him failing to adhere to masculine stereotypes. So what?

What is his personality like? How does he treat you? Is he kind?

@Alta yes that's definitely one way of looking at it. I think my desire to have the perfect family asap might be ruining things a bit though. Expecting the world in a man when I shouldn't be!

OP what do your friends think? Are they all coupled up & having babies, seemingly perfect pairings (as you alluded to in your first post)?
Are you comparing him to a standard in your head or what other people think?

Thanks @FourBunnies you're absolutely right. I need to let go of these preconceived notions I have. Because he is really a wonderful guy and there isn't anything "wrong" in the relationship. We get on and fancy each other etc. I have a much higher level of education than him - and so do a lot of my friends. And I think that plays into some of the other problems I have. But it's awful of me to be embarrassed by that and reflects so poorly on me. I need to change my mindset for sure

I think I expect perfection which is of course entirely unreasonable and unrealistic too

Ok, turn it on its head.

Are you perfect? Do you comply with the stereotypes of the 'perfect woman'?

Are you size 8, long hair, conventionally pretty?
Are you a natural homemaker? A good cook? Are you docile, quiet and compliant? Do you always dress for style/sexiness? Do you always apply perfect make up? Etc

Because when it's reversed, the stereotypes reveal themselves as nonsense, don't they?

We are all multi dimensional. I know several high earners with great jobs who are objectively good fathers yet I wouldn't want to be with any of them! No one is perfect. Everyone is a combination of their experiences, their personality, their flaws and imperfections, their unique qualities that make them who they are.

@Cavagirl my friends all like him, but they have responded in different ways about this issue (much like this thread!). I think I am comparing him to a standard in my head and also what I believe other people's boyfriends are like (entirely imagined of course). Most of my true friends aren't married with babies but everyone seems to be doing it on social media

I’ve posted before about being in this type of situation.

My OH is great, we get on fabulously and have a lovely life together. Is he my soulmate, no?

Is my job my dream job? No.

Is my house my dream house? No.

I just think sometimes we don’t always get exactly what we want and because some people are lucky enough to have, they assume everyone else can if they just try hard enough (ie ditch a suitable but not perfect man to find the one). If you’re happy to settle, settle. If you’re not. Don’t.

@FourBunnies no, I'm definitely not perfect in any way! But I do expect perfection from myself and I get upset when I don't do something perfectly. Part of the issue I guess and is one of my flaws.

I did, with XH.
'Nuff said.

Marrying someone isn't all about loving them - but I do think that love is an essential part. The long-term successful marriages I've seen all have it.

Of course, there are different kinds of love. Only 'settle' for the kind that is right ...for both of you. Do not compromise on this.

Luckily, being perfect is not essential for either of you.

Do you bring out the best (that is already within) in each other? Can you see this continuing? This matters in your 'settling'.

Do you respect each other? You can differ but respect is another essential.

Really, you just have to find someone who can live with your particular imperfections ... and you have to be able to live with theirs.

The 'tick-list's I've heard of are usually full of inessentials and are a bit like estate-agents' descriptions of houses. (They sound a perfect match...)

Ideas about 'perfect' is probably only based on who you think would be right for you as you are now. This isn't all that helpful. Think how much your tastes in things have changed in the last 10/15 years.

Could you pick out the things that will still matter when you are 35- 45-55-65-75-85-95-105?

Pass that crystal ball someone :)

You probably need to set off prepared for the fact that you will both change over the years ahead, but and will need to be prepared to compromise a little here and there. The person you marry should be worth that to you.

I don't think I settled but I did prioritise certain things in my list of perfect match. My husband is very kind, patient and laid back. But this means he isn't very passionate, which I do miss.

On the other hand, a previous partner was incredibly passionate and our chemistry was insane. But it also meant we argued a lot as I am passionate too so it was a fiery relationship and I wanted something easier.

The key is deciding what is the most important thing for you.

Even if soulmates were real, what is the chance of us meeting ours given how many people there are in the world

the reasons I feel like I'm settling are more to do with what I think an ideal future husband should be like?

That makes it sound like an incredibly narrow and programmatic definition of a relationship, or as though you think a husband should be on a different level to a boyfriend ?

no DIY skills, not the best job, can't drive

Well, is he your age? At 25 I was still a postgraduate student living on scholarships and small change from down the back of the sofa, I couldn't drive and cycled everywhere -- I still do aged 48), and I have never had anything approximating 'DIY skills'.

Why are these issues? Can your boyfriend not learn to drive? What is his job, and is he likely to want to move on to something else?

Ok the education thing might be an issue. Some people are seriously bright and motivated but don't go down the academic route but if he doesn't fall into that category and you are far more conventionally educated than him again this too will cause issues down the line. Its like money- its not important when you have it or don't need it. Add kids and houses into the mix and suddenly an improvised peter pan with limited earning potential if you have been used to money all your life will become a massive problem.
I have a friend who married an artist, in fact all her sisters married artistic types, actors etc. All bar one divorced as none of them could ever really contribute financially and almost became another child as time went on. All were gorgeous , great company and actually really nice people but once the real realities of life got in the way all those things seemed less important.

It’s worth remembering that if you have children with a man, 50% of their DNA will be his. If you think (which it sounds like you do - apologies if I’m wrong) that he’s less intelligent than you, it might well be that your children take after him. How will you cope if you have children who are less academic than you? Will you put inappropriate pressure on them?

I don’t think lots of guys develop DIY skills until they own their own home, mine certainly didn’t.
I had a checklist, but my DH ticked every box. He is actually too good for me and I’m just waiting for him to wake up and realise this.
When I wrote the list I tried to be realistic about what type of girl the kind of guy who had said qualities would go for and if I had those. So I didn’t bother including a good job because I didn’t have one myself. I’m not highly educated and so I didn’t expect a highly educated man to go for me.
Do you match all the expectations you are wanting in a partner?
As it turns out DH was very highly educated and very successful and he was one of the few guys who didn’t seem to care that I wasn’t his equal (he saw me as an equal regardless).

I don't believe in soulmates. I believe in two people working together to make a long term commitment work.

OP maybe I'm extrapolating a bit here from hints of things you've said, but could it be that you are simply figuring out what you want from life, and realising that sometimes it's not the Barbie/Ken, romcom dream fairytale we're all fed as kids to believe?
The fact that you're struggling with what sounds like a man you love not conforming to your mental image of "the perfect husband" suggests you just haven't grown the confidence yet to say to the world - actually, this is what I want and I am happy. Instead you don't know what you want so you're falling back on stereotypes or ideals as your guide.
That's all fine - you're 25 - I had no bloody clue what I wanted when I was 25 - take your time, learn to tell the world to f-off sometimes and spend a bit of time on yourself thinking about what you really want.
Until you've figured that out and feel more confident in giving fewer f**ks (which is essentially what this boils down to, I think) I really wouldn't make any big life decisions or commitments like marriage or babies though, sorry.

He's definitely not less intelligent than me - just hasn't had the same education. I was lucky to have parents that valued me going to university etc and pushed me to succeed. My boyfriend was left to himself and didn't care about succeeding at school. However, he does have a good work ethic and enjoys working. He isn't very high up in the ladder at work but that might come because he is doing well for sure. I'm aware I sound incredibly patronising. Trying to give you all the full and honest story and frankly I don't think I deserve such a nice man after everything I've said

frankly I don't think I deserve such a nice man after everything I've said

Well, that's nonsense. You are allowed to want things, and you're also allowed to want more than a 'nice man'.

One person's example doesn't prove anything, but as soon as I stopped looking for a rather narrow range of conventionally similarly educated men on OLD, my now husband found me.

Our qualifications and careers are completely different, but I couldn't love him - or fancy him - more, and he couldn't be kinder, more patient, more loving or more supportive.

Obviously, it's much more common for partners to have similar levels of education, etc. across the board, so it's not a magic bullet solution.

I was definitely prejudiced to find a certain "kind" of partner, and it can be difficult to go against the grain (if you want to).

For me, it was a lightbulb moment. I wish you luck and happiness

Thanks @Cavagirl you've been so helpful. I think you're right. I'm just experiencing a different sort of relationship and trying to fit it in with my previous life experiences. If I choose to stay with him I need to change my mindset a bit

snackmonster

What is it that is driving your need for perfection?

Perfectionists are always disappointed. I have a tendency to be that way and, tbh, only really age has mellowed it as I realised what was important and that I don't give a shit what others think of my choices.

You've no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Your friends with 'perfect' boyfriends might not be quite so flawless...

And a cautionary tale... a woman i once knew had similar 'perfection' ideals. Different to yours but important to her.

She thought men ought to be tall, slim, attractive, smartly presented, with tidy hair and short fingernails. Nothing wrong with that but it was literally the most important thing. She rejected anyone who fell short of those exacting standards. Personality, conduct, personal qualities were unimportant because she was overly concerned with what people thought and what she needed was to be seen walking down the street with a man like this because it reflected well on her.

Anyway, she found him. He does, indeed, fit that description. Quite a catch one might even say.

But no one is perfect...

We haven't seen her for nearly 10 years and she no longer has contact with her children or grandchildren; hasn't even met two of them, because he has convictions that make him a safeguarding risk to children.

But other than that, he is 'perfect'. She sacrificed her entire family because other people's perceptions of her worth and his 'value' was more important than anything else.

Don't get caught up in what doesnt matter.

@gwilt that's lovely 😊 glad it's all worked out for you.