Has anyone 'settled' with a man who isn't their soulmate?

[snackmonster]

Hiya all
Just wondering if anyone has experienced being in a relationship with someone who perhaps isn't "the one" but have decided to make them their life partner/have children with them successfully? Do you think sometimes waiting for that perfect man who ticks all the boxes can sometimes mean you leave starting a family too late?

Op , there are plenty of mumsnetters who have been married to guys with good jobs, high earnings, can drive and also know their way around a black and decker drill— and yet some of them have also turned out to be cheating, aggressive, absent dads, drunks, workaholics- you name it. Please don’t build up an idealised image , great dads and husbands come in various packages and aren’t always obvious— the same goes for complete aresholes

@KarenKuruma How did you end it? Asking as I’m in similar situation...

I was very career focused but when I was approaching forty I was introduced to the man I married, he was the same age and also wanted children. We get along well as companions and we share common interests. My grandmother liked him because he was a hard worker with a good job, he’s a decent man and loves his sons. I don’t think we are in love. I think he respects me and finds me beautiful but he never looks at me with tenderness or does little things like stroking my hair. But I also don’t do that to him. I think we may eventually get divorced but I thank God for our beloved sons. If I hadn’t married him I would have no children.

I don’t believe in such a thing as ‘the one’ or a ‘soulmate’ either. I met my ex at 27 and we loved each other and were happy and had a tonne of stuff in common - same job, same friends, very similar backgrounds, same values. We totally gelled and the relationship was so easy and nice, but in retrospect we were much more, in a very literal sense, like brother and sister, or best mates. I’m not an unattractive woman and he was regularly told he was ‘batting above his average’ or ‘punching above his weight’ but I never got the feeling that we fancied each other like mad. We got married and had two kids, but the overwhelming attraction was never really there and we rarely had sex (our second child was conceived one night when I said to him after a few glasses of wine, ‘do you fancy trying for another kid’. Bam, half an hour later I was pregnant. And that was the second last time we had sex). The last time was about 2 years later and then we split up 4 years later when he finally admitted he was gay. It was a shock but not a surprise, if you know what I mean. We’re still very present in each other’s lives and he sees the kids every day and they stay at his 2 or 3 nights a week, and he’s been very generous financially. We still have long chats about nonsense when he comes round and get along very well.

My DP of 5 years makes me weak at the knees. I don’t have the same intellectual connection to him as he works in a completely different field that I don’t understand at all, though he’s probably a lot brighter than both my ex and I put together, but he’s funny and kind and incredibly ‘manly’ - big and strong and very sexually attractive to me, physically the opposite of my ex. My ideal man on paper is probably a mixture of the two, but I’m lucky to have both so present in my life. My DP and I ‘fit’ like jigsaw pieces. It’s a deeply satisfying and mature relationship and hopefully I will grow old with him. I have absolutely no interest in looking elsewhere.

So no, I’ve never settled though life didn’t turn out as expected. But I’m glad I am where I am now, and especially getting to enjoy all the frequent, skilled, and enthusiastic sex 😁

@Tokyo123 I gave him an ultimatum to address certain things, over the next couple of months he made no effort to do anything about them, so I told him it was over.

Very unfair to the person who’s being “settled” on.

Amongst my friends, the only ones who ever talk about soulmates and tick boxes are the single ones.

The ones in long term relationships and marriages all seem to have followed a totally un-intellectualised process with very little navel gazing that goes something like this:

Meet someone > like them > feelings grow (either fast or slow) > spend increasing amounts of time together > move in and/maybe get married.

The only friends who ever seem to need to have conversations about whether their partner is the ‘right one’ are the ones who never seem to end up with a partner long term.

So if you want a long term relationship I’d say don’t over analyse or intellectualise it. Go on instinct.

It's also worth pointing out in the 'settling' vs 'soulmate' debate, that romantic love is a very time- and culturally-specific idea, and that arranged or semi-arranged marriages formed by familial pre-vetting in terms of financial, educational and social compatibility and minimal 'courtship' produced marriages with similar levels of satisfaction to free-choice marriages.

Thanks @RedNun, that's something I've been thinking about. Most of these comments are assuming a Western social norm of monogamous love and marriage. And time certainly plays a part too. I've had two ex boyfriends of 3+ years. I could have happily married either of them if I'd met them age, say, 30, because we'd probably have had a shorter "courtship" and would be of an age where marrying was more normal and more acceptable.