20 years in it’s dawned on me

[Treatedlikeamaid]

Hello!
Not actually sure if this will work..Am seeing if this starts a follow on thread. am just so gobsmacked with how wonderfully helpful you have all been when I could not see whether dp was being controlling or not. Maybe it’s worth keeping the thread going in case it’s of use to others? It’s because it’s easy(ish) to tell if someone is being obviously awful, but what if they are just being manipulative like a little boy? And you gradually swap confidence for anxiety and cannot work out why you are depressed and confused?
It just felt like the last thread created such a wonderful supportive group it seems a shame to let that go, if it’s at all helpful.

I'm here willing you on to sweet freedom!!

Any time you think he's being reasonable and you are not come and check and we'll translate his bullshit for you

I don't think I saw your last thread. Can you link it?

Willing you on here too. You seem more decisive and a lot stronger in recent days. I think you are seeing him for who he really is

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3885935-20-years-in-it-s-dawned-on-me

OP, you are much stronger than you realise. One thing I'm going to suggest to you...every time you feel a negative word about yourself spring to mind, stop it in its tracks. So no more 'teeny' business, or descriptions of being 'needy'.

You can do this, and you will.

Entirely agree with CharityDingle.

Remember that neurones that fire together, wire together. Enough negative self-talk, wherever it comes from, and you will start to believe it and it will shape your behaviour. Many, many posters on the last thread reminded you that having your own business requires initiative, determination, creativity and intelligence. Moreover you have created this business in challenging circumstances and time (and maybe also space) constraints.

In terms of being ‘needy’ - it is not that, it is more - at least this is how I felt- that speaking to outsiders helps offer opportunities to reframe your perspective and that is necessary, along with doing things differently, to re-wire your neurons. If you have a worldview that has been limited by control, manipulation and another person’s demands, how will you see beyond that if you do not talk to others with different views and do things beyond that control, manipulation and those demands? Talking to others, whether they are your lawyer, a WA support worker, your friends or randoms on the internet (I mean that kindly fellow randoms) is really necessary and to help sort out your own thoughts. However, at the end of the day, the most important thing is trusting your own judgement because you know your circumstances, resources and opportunities best. The shape and pace of change is up to you

The problem with abuse is that it narrows your worldview and your sphere of action. So I always thought of getting out as expanding the radius around me and building up what I was able to do. For me there was not a clear before and after when I left, but a long disentangling process that started before I left and is still going on in some ways, although I am hopefully beyond the worst/most of it.

Hiiiiiiii (waves)

Hi Treated, I've just spent the last two days reading through your first thread - what a journey you've been on. I (mentally!) cheered when you decided to accept the job :)

I wanted to make two comments... firstly, that you're not married. You haven't made any promises or commitments to this man. You're two equals in a relationship. Why does he get to decide things for you? No-one gets to decide what you do with your time and your money except you.

Imagine it was a random work colleague - would you let them tell you that you couldn't go to Spain on a certain week? Or dictate what your business should be called? Of course not. When you're in a relationship with someone, you might choose to have conversations about these things (if you want to), but ultimately you're still the one who decides.

If you want to go and live in Spain... you can! Obviously the children make things trickier, so you need to speak to a lawyer, but that's do-able. If you don't want to take such a big step, you can move into a flat locally. You have a job so you can pay the rent - you can just decide to move out of the house and into a flat. You could do it this month. No-one can stop you. You are an independent person.

Secondly... your Mum sounds very sensible and loving. Can you imagine what it's been like for her to watch you in this relationship for 20 years? How would you feel if your DD was in an abusive relationship? Wouldn't you be cheering for her to break free? What an amazing coda to your Mum's life if she knew that her daughter was finally happy.

I know that's quite an emotive thing to say, and I thought twice about typing it... but I think you're someone who needs external approval for your decisions (as am I), and thinking about what your Mum would want for you (happiness, safety) might help

Omg! Thanks for joining! I’m incredibly touched that you have popped over! Comtesse you made me lol😁! Random, hello!thank you for that., it’s incredibly helpful to run seemingly innocuous but odd statements past you all.
Crab, thank you for popping up the link for sprite.
Ogham thank you, I hope so. And I hope I’m seeing me for what I am!
Charity, thank you! I don’t think of myself as strong - for years I’ve been a puzzled failure. It’s really wonderful to hear people saying I AM capable I CAN do it. The same to all you ladies who may be struggling - we are ALL capable of more than we thought ( self doubts arise even as I write that!) like Katy says, I need to talk to others and rewire my neurons. Today I am digging out all my best work and nice comments - a lot of them are post it notes from here- and sticking them on the wall. I sort of feel I need to redesign how I see myself - from grey mess to nicely turned out self respecting lady what does stuff.
Katy The problem with abuse is that it narrows your worldview and your sphere of action. So I always thought of getting out as expanding the radius around me and building up what I was able to do thanks for this. I’m glad you said it’s a long disentangling process. I realise I don’t feel capable of just upping and going - it’s such a massive move ( and how does anyone afford rent?) but I do feel capable of getting prepared and expanding the radius around me. In fact am going all out to do that and contacting old mates, and, oh yes, joining some sort of clubs to make new ones.

I just wanted to ask based on your last thread why you are prioritising getting this business up & running before leaving ?

If I were in your position considering leaving, would be looking to set that business up post separation, otherwise he will have a stake in your business & and any profit it makes will be half his.

Am not trying to tell you what to do of course, just that it sounds like you’re onto a winner with this business idea & it would really suck for you to put all this hard work into making this business a real thing, only later to lose half of it in a financial settlement.

Just my thoughts based on your posts I read in the other thread. The new feature where you can see all the OPs posts is really helpful for catching up!

Hope am not intruding or giving unwanted advice here.

Sorry, had to post before I lost it all again!
Lannie, , thank you - I can’t believe you have read the entire thing!
I agree we are equals...In theory! it changed when I Somehow became the childminder and he brought in the money. And I lost my way.
As for moving out..yes, i am getting my ducks in a row. But my job is more project based pin money than a steady income. I need to clarify stuff about benefits.and I need to be very sure.
An yes, your last para is very emotive. I Can’t think about it atm. It’s too emotional. He’s always had a thing about me going to spain, and makes it soooo hard to go. It could be the worst place in Britain and I’d still go ffs.
Well, I could muse for ages! Instead will tackle my website. Why does doing something you like, and want to do become so scary?!
Thank you SO much. Cannot believe this is thread 2. 💐

Hi Viking just saw your post. Very good point. I was hoping to have an income in order to move - and because I suspect moving will be so emotional for me and kids, I won’t have the energy to create. I also may just be scared and hoping things will improve ( I now know that’s daft). I will have a proper talk with a lawyer.
Thanks for saying it sounds like I’m onto a winner! From this end it sounds like I’m muddled and scared. So coffee! Onwards!
Thank you very much everyone x

I really envy you being so creative at something you have the opportunity to create a business from it! Selling vintage clothes on Etsy is ok, but it’s no real talent. I understand what you mean by needing energy to be creative & mood can really effect creative output. It sounds really exciting whatever it is

And you sound like a really cool person, artsy & bohemian, creative.... I felt so crushed for you when read him saying “you can forget about art”

An artist is like a vocation, a calling... a partner should be so in awe of your talents & proud to say “look at my wife’s amazing artworks” (or whatever pursuit, you could be handcrafting wooden boxes or metal working but he should back you & be your cheerleader )

I have a digital media background so the whole “wix or square space” is a personal interest. But if you were my mate would never say “use square space not wiz” because really, one is not better than the other & both have the capability to produce a functional, visually effective website. SEO is not hard to master either. If you’re feeling unsure about technical sides, I highly suggest YouTube tutorials as a great help. Also look at someone doing what you are doing who has a successful business & study their website, because it will be laid out well & clear wording for SEO.

But it is very negative if you’ve been in wix land all week to have someone say you’re wrong, square space is better. He really doesn’t know what he is talking about on a digital level.

😀thank you Viking! Selling vintage clothes sounds very interesting indeed, though how do you part with them? I’m having super doubts today. I think that’s the trouble with offering up stuff you’ve created. Wish I had tons of self belief. Working on it. Good luck with the vintage clothes x

Hellooo! I found you! I’m sorry you didn’t get back to Spain, but I am glad you’re doing this your way. Getting legal advice is definitely smart before you leave the country. Big hugs!!!

Thanks, just read your wix post.
That’s very encouraging as it’s all on wix! I am basing the site on someone who does it well, but obviously it’s evolving into my own thing. Thanks for the reassurance about the mysteries of SEO. As you know digital seems to be a) genuinely confusing and b) Deliberately made confusing!
I’ll check out you tube - if you have any recommendations...?
like your first para! Cool, artsy, bohemian...hmmmm! That’s really brightened my day 😀

Hello justilou! Than k you !thats nice of you! Big hugs back atcha 👍

As you aren't married surely the only thing that is shared is the house Which is legally 50:50 regardless of who paid in what/mortgage payments etc? Yes I'm sure you will have to force him to buy you out/sell it but other than that there is no claim on anything from each other?

Just a leeeeetle advice from someone else who has left an artistic field. (A different one, but people view the arts in the same “hobby” kind of way.) Always sell yourself at the highest end of the market. People always want what they perceive to be the “best” and ARE willing to pay more. Don’t let people try and convince you that they are doing you a favour by giving you free marketing, or offering you any kind of opportunities for exposure. That is selling yourself short and they can smell that kind of weakness like a shark can smell blood in water. ALWAYS, ALWAYS say no to that. Give nothing away for free. No time, no advice - NOTHING!!! All of this adds up to parts of your creative self that you have paid for in time, training, practice, equipment, etc - and all the behind the scenes bits and pieces that nobody sees, and you will never get it back. Start by saying no now, and you won’t end up in a work situation like your marriage. (*Artists are supposed to be meek little fairies, you know. Please rage against that and be more Frieda.)

That’s what I understood random, but will look more thoroughly.
Justilou you’ve made me laugh! I will deffo be more Frieda! I agree - do not get how plumbers can charge £40 an hour but an artist is supposed to do it for love. Huh!
Thanks for the tip re free exposure. Its true, I am offering a quality, authentic product, not a cynical computerised money grabbing thing. Or I will be if I stop procrastinating! Hugs x

Good morning! Thanks for your message. I've now found you on Insta and sent you a message and a link to a (possibly relevant) video via a DM on there. Thought I'd comment on here as well so I'm on the thread.
One day at a time, hope today is good

Hi treated I'm here too cheering for you! (and I'm in the woes of a very long process of disentangling too). I suggest you talk to people in RL, gather all the support you can, including lawyers and domestic violence organisations (having validation from these people made me see I was not "exaggerating". It was real abuse. And having these people taking me seriously made me feel very differently).

@Treatedlikeamaid... can you pm me your insta so I can add to your fanbase as well? I have a lot of friends in the UK and they’re constantly looking for artsy ideas as well. If appropriate, happy to refer on. (They can’t resist boho clothes and jewellery!)

The finances should be a 50:50 split on the property but it is worth taking to a solicitor because I think the Family Law (Scotland) act 2006 also allows you to make a claim on capital accrued during the relationship as you were a stay at home parent but you need to make this claim within a year of separation. You do need to consult a lawyer.