20 years in it’s dawned on me

[Treatedlikeamaid]

Hello!
Not actually sure if this will work..Am seeing if this starts a follow on thread. am just so gobsmacked with how wonderfully helpful you have all been when I could not see whether dp was being controlling or not. Maybe it’s worth keeping the thread going in case it’s of use to others? It’s because it’s easy(ish) to tell if someone is being obviously awful, but what if they are just being manipulative like a little boy? And you gradually swap confidence for anxiety and cannot work out why you are depressed and confused?
It just felt like the last thread created such a wonderful supportive group it seems a shame to let that go, if it’s at all helpful.

I am sitting on a payout but the DC can't fly out to see their unwell grandmother and have a holiday...

I have a payout but we are going to lose the house...

I have a payout but it's not ok you spent a few hundred on going to see your Mum and get her care need sorted and finances in order...

I have a payout but you need to stay in your box doing as you are told and have NO money, no security and a miserable life...

I LOVE that idea of being kind to the new kid in digital marketing.

I am so totally using that one with my clients and myself.

@RandomMess

I am sitting on a payout but the DC can't fly out to see their unwell grandmother and have a holiday...

I have a payout but we are going to lose the house...

I have a payout but it's not ok you spent a few hundred on going to see your Mum and get her care need sorted and finances in order...

I have a payout but you need to stay in your box doing as you are told and have NO money, no security and a miserable life...

I know, right? Its mad. Just mad. Its actually financial abuse.

😂oh you wonderful people!
First sandgroper thank you for that - my dd gets wierd rashes which doesn’t seem to be the usual suspects, so we will definitely look into this.
Secondly tork I’m really happy that was useful!
Random and vodka, THANK YOU.i was not seeing this At All. It’s Just The statutory Amount, but you are right. He is massively anxious And catastrophises. And it’s almost like he wants me to be as anxious. But then I can’t function...which takes me back to the first ever post!💐💐💐💐💐🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

@Treatedlikeamaid honestly he acts like you are about to starve to death!

Can I just say never go near a shop with him again. Let him pay for uniforms, shoes, groceries etc. With his bloody payout. You save your money for some fun with the children.

this is so true about the redundancy pay, and that is exactly what it is for - it is in lieu of a wage until he finds something else, so he SHOULD be using the payoff to tide over.
Tight fucking bastard

Sorry cavagirl, I missed your post. Thank you for saying that, it’s really nice of you - and it’s sooooo nice to feel unstuck, after years of confusion. As for losing the house, oh yes. That stopped when I came back.

@Treatedlikeamaid you sound so much happier, and your counsellor sounds v helpful. You're inspiring me to (think about) getting arty again with all your talk of painting, something I let slip many years ago!
Re. house jeopardy stress - hmm how strange!!
Did you ever get to see an updated mortgage statement? Like the PP above I'm guessing even statutory redundancy provides a decent buffer. I would presume your house situation is probably fine in reality!!
How did your OH's important job interview go btw, or has it not happened yet?

And thanks ladies. Tbh he is very keen on getting the kids nice uniforms. I think it’s more anxiety that it runs out, before we get more coming in, which is, of course a worry, as I’m sure it is for pretty much everyone.
Things are happening though...we took ds to get a sandwich lunch and I bought dp The Wrong Sandwich! He started with the usual going on...but then he APOLOGISED for going on! What’s going on?! 🤣omg this sounds so ridiculously petty! But It’s Major. Madness. Yesterday I said,‘it’s ok to criticise my actions and I’ll take it on board, but now stop.’ He did! Am totally gobsmacked. And suspicious 😀

Hello cavagirl, oh brilliant! Oh yes, get arty again! It’s so hard to do ( I find) but so energising and fun x
Re house jeopardy stress. Oh yeah. Bl**dy he’ll.
Actually I put my mumsnetter head on and thought, ok, we’ll sell it then. ( after a LOT of support off you guys teaching me). 😀

I love how you asserting yourself with him is actually having an effect and working! Just shows how changing your own behaviour and tolerance levels (the things you do have control over) can be empowering in itself and are actually making him behave differently.

I absolutely love some of the advice you're getting on here, excellent suggestions from @TorkTorkBam and @RandomMess

I wasn’t on your last thread but following with interest.

Thanks everyone. You are right fantastic there is such good advice here.
Its invaluable.
Nicely put Fantastic!Thats what this weeks counselling was - you can only control your own behaviour ( as you’ve mentioned on here). - decide what you will put up with. Say, ‘I don’t appreciate being called x’ if he is willing to accept/ discuss etc. It’s a good thing. If he refuses then you know you have to decide whether you will accept that or not. Only you can decide whether you will allow yourself to be bullied. - (obv that was said in context.)
I think he Takes his stress out on me. And wanted to scare me so he uses money. ( yells cos I don’t spend enough on kids uniform, ( we can afford it!)yells if I spend any on me( we can’t afford it)So now, thanks to you and Lundy Bancroft and co dependant no more and counsellor, I realise what’s going on and I know I can walk. Which is really empowering. The test will come next time I need to go to spain! But at the moment I am delighted to feel much capable than I did when I first posted.It helps that he has another interview so is not lashing out with stress so much. Many many thanks.Now coffee! And Next thing- tackle mindset re business and catch up!
Have a good day yall.💐

Great stuff! Go you!

So..., now you have to be even more on your guard because regardless of anything you are still here not with your mum. So he got his way under false pretences and you should be pretty annoyed about that. And you can't tell him he's allowed to criticise you - he's not! And he got his way. And he should be spending his money on the uniforms.

You are doing SO amazingly well.. but please don't let these little wins distract you from the main prize. Which is ZERO financial, verbal or emotional abuse from him. ZERO interference in your business and full support including him doing all housework while not working (the way you have).

I think if you can you should try and get into a community (online or RL) that can support you in the business/digital side of your business. You can be Damian Hirst or a struggling artist. It's a pretty specialist area by the sound of it and different things apply at different times. Eg Instagram is crucial for some industries but not that useful for others. Is there anyone going what you do AND making a commercial success who you can be inspired by and even improve on?

You've probably already thought of that mind you. Tork bought up the concept of getting your marketing way up its own arse and I have to agree. Don't even think about 'accessible' pricing - that just backfires. Go full on luxury look. Price high and provide exclusivity. Don't ever compete at the bottom unless you are selling a commodity we all use every day. You are selling an experience, a story, something they can not get anywhere else. People value things they pay a lot of money for.

Thanks vodka. I hear you, and I am definitely havening a rethink regarding what level to pitch at. And how to get housework help 😏 ! It’s got a LOT better! ( doesn’t yell when asked to pick towels up. Still needs to pick them up mind. Baby steps.😀) Kids out, Ignoring housework, I’m going to PAINT yayyyyy! After I’ve just hung out the washing, and....

Hello, I just want to say a massive heartfelt thank you for all the amazing advice and patience on this thread. Thanks to you, and a counsellor who basically said ,’draw some boundaries for goodness sake, and put yourself at the top of your to do list’, I’ve Just realised that you have melted me become unstuck after years of being lost confused and miserable. I’ve finally got some work That uses my talents - part time, but it’s a start, which is getting my confidence back. - along with all the amazing encouragement on here. It helps that dp has found a job, hurrah. It’s a cut in salary, but who cares, - and it’s away from his awful ex boss. From my first tentative post, You have helped so much. I now recognise what’s not acceptable - from him and others- and am learning not to Put everyone else first to the detriment of me, and the situation. I gather this thread may have been useful to others more than me, which is amazing, I really hope it helps. In case I sound too Anne of green gables, things are not perfect, it’s just I now know what’s acceptable and what I’ll stand for. - and that I can leave! And for that I cannot thank you enough. I hope I’ll not be writing next week in a different tone of voice! But in the meantime, massive thank you s, and massive hugs to everyone who is going through Crap. It’s bl**dy awful. 💐💐💐💐💐💐

I hope you will not be writing in a different tone of voice too.

But here is the thing, it is a learning curve and there will be ups and down. When you feel the anxiety and uncertainties closing in, pause. Don’t start the whirling thoughts trying to make sense of it, just pause and remember what you have learned, and take your time to decide how to respond. There is very little in life which needs an immediate response. ‘I don’t think I will respond to that right now’ is a polite way of setting boundaries, whether out loud or in your head.

I am going to be the rain cloud which says you are feeling better because he is feeling better so he has no need for an emotional punch bag at the moment. But at some point, he needs to learn that however he is feeling, seeking to control others is not how he makes himself feel better. Otherwise, yes, you will be out the door.

Good news about both jobs.

Again hate to rain on your parade as he will still pull rank as the higher earner that you should work, handover all your money and do everything around the house.

Keep in mind that your ultimate goal is best being to be able to leave. Your P will not change and will cause you to use up huge amounts of energy try to work and manage his abuse of you.

KOKO

We'll it's good that you are not on the brink of financial disaster! And I love how much confidence you have gained!
So let's think about what's next

• getting a fun family life started. No more looking at Facebook at other people having fun and you feeling that life is just grey and empty.
• fun for you either on your own or as a couple, because that's just how people live. Mutual friends, your own friends.
• visits to your mum (let's not forget her!)
• spending some money on yourself. Clothing, beauty stuff, your business
• you having access to and visibility of all money. Including 'his'
• keeping his whinging and bossiness under control and him doing housework.

Don't forget he put you down a very dark hole a long time before he was unemployed. He wants to blame his ex boss fine. You know if it pre dates that. But being Not Utterly Miserable every second of the day is not enough!!!!

You need to be Often Very Happy and most days having a laugh. Being supported and loved. Enjoying your own life and freedom, enjoying family life, enjoying life as a couple. He doesn't get to lie around whinging and bitching and bidding any more!

He can learn to cook (men like cooking as a rule!) and do the dishes while he's at it! He can learn to push a vacuum cleaner around and clean the bathroom, and take the kids out somewhere fun while you work.

He doesn't get to play the big I am and opt out now. You are not his servant anc most importantly of all he DOES NOT get to keep 'his' money. It goes into the family pot to be spent on things the kids need, things for the house, days out and bills.

Yes with this new job his pay off can go in the family pot rather than HIS savings...

@RandomMess

Yes with this new job his pay off can go in the family pot rather than HIS savings...

£10 says this is where the wheels fall off.

He's financially controlling and that's not changing any time soon.

Ahh, thank you ladies. I hear you, and I am very aware that it fundamentally hasn’t changed. Post later

yup, you are right! taking stress out on me again.put my best school teacher voice on and said I wa strying to help, but I wont if you continue to take your stress out on me. (Go me!) and i walked away. then found this that I copied from somewhere online a while ago...this is EXACTLY what happens, it's like they are there!

'One of the most frustrating and common habits of abusers is to constantly "butt in" and cut off tiheir partner while talking. This is frequently the most aggravating habit many abusers have. They can't give it up because it serves some very important purposes. It blocks any possibility of communication, it allows them to say whatever they want, and most importantly it gives them total control of the conversation.

Usually partners try reasoning with them about all sides being given a fair chance to talk. What they don't realize is that abusers don't really care what their partners are saying so it serves them no purpose to listen. In fact, the abuser would prefer that the partner not talk and simply accept their assertions as Gospel.

Partner: Please don't raise your voice at me
Abuser (Screaming): You're the one that's yelling
OR
Partner: Please stop cutting me off and let me finish my sentence
Abuser (angrily): You're the one who cuts me off all of the time

Am amazed that there is such a definite pattern of behaviour.

Oh yes, he is abusive through and through. We can see it very clearly and he will not change. This is why we have encouraged you to leave.

He has never married you because it has kept you more financially dependent on him. He has you well trained, he doesn't want you to escape after all he invested a lot in training you to put up and accept his shit.

You can schoolteacher voice him all you like you won't change him into a happy, loving partner who cares what you think and wants his family to enjoy life.

All you get is a slightly less shit guy who will then turn to self pity and faux illness. Same miserable life watching everyone else have fun, same droning on about money, same doing all the running while he lies around in the sofa.

You might be able to extract some enjoyment from work. Or since he's working full time you might find you do all of the child care and housework and don't have time to work let alone enjoy it. But you will be pressured to earn money because what's his is his and what's yours is the families.

Hopefully you'll get sick of it eventually - hopefully before most of your life has gone