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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

20 years in it’s dawned on me

119 replies

Treatedlikeamaid · 01/08/2020 16:51

Hello!
Not actually sure if this will work..Am seeing if this starts a follow on thread. am just so gobsmacked with how wonderfully helpful you have all been when I could not see whether dp was being controlling or not. Maybe it’s worth keeping the thread going in case it’s of use to others? It’s because it’s easy(ish) to tell if someone is being obviously awful, but what if they are just being manipulative like a little boy? And you gradually swap confidence for anxiety and cannot work out why you are depressed and confused?
It just felt like the last thread created such a wonderful supportive group it seems a shame to let that go, if it’s at all helpful.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/08/2020 13:09

Oh yes forgot you were in Scotland!

KatySun · 03/08/2020 13:55

Yes, the law is currently being reviewed I think, because of the lack of clarity about what can be claimed, but broadly speaking, you can make a claim if the other party has had a financial advantage during the relationship - so (with the caveat that I am not a lawyer) being able to accrue a pension and savings whilst the other has been a SAHP and has no or minimal pension would be an advantage.

The really important part is the need to start an action in court within a year of the relationship ending. This is crucially different from divorce where you can bring an action years after separating. Attempts to resolve something amicably can drag on for months or can be stalled maliciously and a year is not very long, and of course the pressure in any proceeding is to resolve amicably without recourse to court. Of course within that circumstance, establishing the date of separation is also important.

The year applies to if you separate, it is six months if one party dies.

As I say, the law is under review and may become clearer in terms of how financial settlements should be made, so it is worth being aware of, even if you take a while to disentangle and it is theoretical, rather than practical, knowledge for a while.

Lots of legal firms have blog posts and information about what they specialise in, so you can find a good solicitor by doing some research.

Treatedlikeamaid · 04/08/2020 07:31

Woh thanks katy sun I really do need to chat to someone officially.

OP posts:
Treatedlikeamaid · 04/08/2020 07:47

Hi bringon thanks for that. I’m sorry you are going through rubbish. 🍰❤️. Quick question? what’s RL.? I got a video game when I googled!

OP posts:
justilou1 · 04/08/2020 08:03

RL = Real Life. X

FritataPatate · 04/08/2020 08:05

RL = real life (not MN)

ThickFast · 04/08/2020 15:58

Glad you started a new thread!

TorkTorkBam · 04/08/2020 18:01

Like the others said, (good) art is one of those things that usually sells better when more expensive. If in doubt posh it up, get your marketing way more up its own arse and add a zero to your prices.

bringon2020 · 05/08/2020 10:53

Pp have already replied what RL is. 😊 It makes a big difference. Good luck OP!

Treatedlikeamaid · 08/08/2020 07:09

Thanks lovely people!
This is all very wierd.. the counsellor is helping immensely.( at last a good one, who can be a bit tough, and not a dangly earring head on one side type!) I’m trying what she says - basically write yourself a script being aware of your rights, so that you know exactly what you are going to say..don’t get caught up in an argument ( however tempting!) she said as I change, he will..and how is he taking new assertive me. ( dunno! )
It has been really useful. I’m standing my ground a lot more, and realising that Whatever The topic , he will reply with an attack, ‘ you never Do x ..etc’ and not a discussion. This week, There’s been lots of silly games, but I CAN RECOGNISE THEM now! which is SO liberating!
today was a game changer..he whinged about the kids school clothes, and I told him not to whine like a kid, but to say clearly that he’d like to get it sorted (!). He apologised and said there’d been a miscommunication!
that didn’t stop the full on row later when I wasn’t ready to go. He got all worked up and insulting. And I was Amazed at myself! I was able to watch in a detached manner and not get sucked in, But realise he was being an idiot And I don’t need to put up with it. Previously I’d have argued, got upset, confused, blamed myself. This time I was really calm, didn’t justify or try to explain. Just said, ‘ attacking me isn’t the way to resolve this’ ( woh I must have been annoying! - and aware ds was there, so I was trying, I hope, to handle it calmly and point out it wasn’t great behaviour for his benefit) When he yelled, ‘just do what you’re fu..’ and stopped himself I was so gobsmacked I calmly asked what the sentence was going to be. ( and felt another twang of detachment) When he said, ‘I’ll go myself’ I said ,’ok’. (!!!!!!) again, in the past I’d have felt obliged to go with him and make the peace...and the best bit..I wasn’t even upset! Just thought he was a dick. Checked with ds. Who said he was fine ( hope so. ) and got on with my stuff.
When he came back he’d calmed down.
The other row was he’d heard what I’d been saying to my mum and decided I shouldn’t have been saying it. You are right it’s good to keep a diary, or you do forget cos they are nice again.
Hmmm. I thought things were improving...maybe not!

OP posts:
Treatedlikeamaid · 08/08/2020 07:13

Ps thanks tork! Like the ‘get your marketing way more up its arse’ comment! Hours of marketing expertise in a nutshell!

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 08/08/2020 07:37

I've been following since the last thread and it's fantastic to see the total change in the way you're looking at and handling things.
You're finding a strength you didn't know you had and you can do this!

KatySun · 08/08/2020 07:46

Yep. I found when I started to make sure not to rise to my ex then it was easier to see the dynamics. Well done.
I hope he does not escalate the tactics to get a response, but equally if he does, you are in a better place to see it now Flowers

Treatedlikeamaid · 08/08/2020 07:56

Thanks Katysun and that is! Your encouragement is invaluable. Don’t want to just moan, so if you can see change, that’s very encouraging, thank you.
Coffee time! Enjoy your days xxx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/08/2020 07:58

Depends what you mean my "better" there will be far more arguments as you stand your ground and he will likely up the anti to try and get you back in your old box...

Things are in better in that you are detaching and will be able to tell him to f*ck off eventually...

Treatedlikeamaid · 08/08/2020 08:25

Thanks for the warning random. That will be why the counsellor asked how he was reacting to new me, I guess. You are right.There are many mini spats atm. Oh! He also reacted badly when I was finishing a portrait..said I needed to go to supermarket with him as he was tired of going and the picture wasn’t going to make me rich and I’d been swanning around In spain while he blah blah..’
why didn’t he want me to go on my own then? So I couldn’t work on the picture? So we went together. And lo! I Had to finish the picture, the next day before I could go school uniform shopping.....hence the row.
It does seeeem like he was trying to stop me painting. Would have dismissed the thought if it wasn’t for you all.

OP posts:
KatySun · 08/08/2020 08:49

I think you are bang on with the last observation.

justilou1 · 08/08/2020 09:11

I would be telling him that he isn’t making you rich either, but you are at least bringing in some income. Wondering why he is so threatened by this, instead of proud and supportive like a decent husband and partner would be, instead of obstructive and humiliating. Ask him what he is afraid of!

RandomMess · 08/08/2020 10:16

Yep trying to sabotage your successes to keep you down trodden and dependent on him.

Next time "I'm working go on your own or wait"

Next time he mentions Spain
"Sorting out my unwell mother was not swanning. Deeply distressing and sad because you haven't let me see her for x years"

Comtesse · 08/08/2020 10:28

He is a saboteur. He thinks he is more important than you. He has to make you feel less to feel better about himself. Keep track of this crap - the patterns will become undeniable. KOKO Flowers

feelingfree17 · 08/08/2020 10:51

The recognition of the silly games is a most empowering moment!
Remain on your guard, he will use new tactics, but remain calm and therefore in control

feelingfree17 · 08/08/2020 10:58

RandomMess has it spot on

NettleTea · 08/08/2020 11:57

Ive been following in the shadows since the beginning, and its really positive to see the change in you, and how you are beginning to recognise his games and detatch.
Detatchment seems to be the powerful thing. Once that starts yoiu begin to reduce how much you care, and you begin to swing your focus back into a healthy balance of attention where attention is due.
But the relationship is dead.
This detatchment will help you while you gather your strength to leave, because by the time you do, you will have detrained yourself to jump to his tune
Id also like to see what you do, if you dm me your insta!

FantasticButtocks · 08/08/2020 17:53

Sounds like you're feeling more powerful, and able to recognise what's going on, excellent.

The lack of respect towards your work is just ugly. And to reduce it to 'it's not making you rich' what an absolute philistine he is! Shows no understanding of the artistic process. I'd say to him I don't stop my art for anything, unless it's important. Accompanying you to the supermarket doesn't come in to that category. Oh, and can you please not interrupt me again while I'm working?

Treatedlikeamaid · 09/08/2020 22:45

Thanks everyone. I think you all have it spot on. Lots to take on board. I Keep re reading thread, and re reading Bancroft. I still really don’t want to believe it, but you are right.
Beginning to wonder what to add - i don’t just want to write another query about his behaviour and you will kindly point out what I still don’t want to see. But am beginning to find certain behaviour is getting harder to will fully ignore. Though Things are, touch wood, looking up a bit - hope to be getting extra hours at work, hurrah! So that, and you, are helping boost the old confidence.THANK YOU. I’m still not achieving much - but at least I am beginning to feel like I can begin to forge a path. ( and put a big ‘Do not disturb)’ sign up). Thanks all of you. The gentle drip of your comments is so useful in helping shape my( and I hope some other people’s) thoughts.
💐

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