20 years in it’s dawned on me

[Treatedlikeamaid]

Hello!
Not actually sure if this will work..Am seeing if this starts a follow on thread. am just so gobsmacked with how wonderfully helpful you have all been when I could not see whether dp was being controlling or not. Maybe it’s worth keeping the thread going in case it’s of use to others? It’s because it’s easy(ish) to tell if someone is being obviously awful, but what if they are just being manipulative like a little boy? And you gradually swap confidence for anxiety and cannot work out why you are depressed and confused?
It just felt like the last thread created such a wonderful supportive group it seems a shame to let that go, if it’s at all helpful.

You have a major advantage now the scales are falling from your eyes. He is a bog standard garden variety common abuser. They follow bog standard patterns. You have huge amounts of information available to you now you see this is isn't a unique situation.

I prefer the term selfish spoilt bully over abuser but you need to search on emotional abuse to get the answers you need.

At some point you will realise you cannot manage him, mother him, fix him into not being a selfish spoilt bully. It is too ingrained and he doesn't even want to change. He is OK with himself. Right now you are realising it is him not you. You are changing your behaviours to more healthy behaviours, which is good for your mental health and your future.

That said, I think you are still hopeful that if you change your reactions then he will stop being a spoilt selfish bully. If this were possible there would be no abusers. The strong loving partners in their lives would mould them into thoughtful caring considerate people. There would be courses and books on how to make your dickhead partner into a lovely person. No such exist. Lots of resources exist on how to escape. That is not a because there is a gap in the market. It is because it is both wrong and impossible to change personality.

@TorkTorkBam Lots of resources exist on how to escape. That is not a because there is a gap in the market. It is because it is both wrong and impossible to change personality.
One of the best points I've seen on here ever. Many have tried and all have failed.

There are no success stories on mumsnet saying how they created stronger boundaries and their arsehole partner changed. Not one single thread ever.

I suspect your therapist knows this and is just building you up so that you feel you have done everything in your power before giving up. And if you're not losing anything apart from having a happy life at the moment you may want to keep at it for a while. Until you feel more willing to make the leap.

Oh f*#k.

What's up?

Hope ur ok @Treatedlikeamaid

He’s found this?

Oh , sorry ladies.No no problems, I Was in a rush and read your comments and am overwhelmed at it all. I hoped we could work out a better relationship- we have had a Mega crap time of it over the last few years, ( unavoidable events) and I guess your comments brought me back to reality a bit. I’m still hopeful and in denial I guess. Things are a lot better though, and I’m in a much stronger position.
Cannot stir myself today! Enjoy your sundays xxx

@Treatedlikeamaid yes we can tell you are in denial!

That's fine as long as you don't stay there and nothing you do now impacts you for the future! And now is the time to push to iron out the financial abuse. He doesn't get to keep his money after the last few months!

And now is also the time to get some colours into that grey life! If he won't do either then you havd your answer if he will then great.

Either way you have nothing to lose!

I would be using all your income in reinvesting in your business and paying into a pension (or an ISA). You just state - my pension needs to match yours as I looked after the DC all those years which is why yours is so big.

You can make AVC into the one where you are employed.

I would carry on looking for a permanent part time job to get your NI and PENSION in order.

Were you claiming Child Benefit all those years you weren't working to protect your NI state pension contributions?

Thanks random, yes, I have kept an eye on all that malarkey. To be fair to dp, he is becoming a lot more relaxed and the kids are responding. I am taking all your know how on board, especially as you know, more than I, I suspect , that I may well be in a river in Egypt!

Well look at it like this. As long as everyone but him is happy and getting what they want and need it's all fine. Just keep him on notice and make sure that any nonsense is swiftly shut down.

Make sure your family, and you, have some fun and that he doesn't get funny about 'his' money or 'we can't afford' (to do anything/go anywhere), no moping or sulking or huffing.

And as long as he keeps his sticky beak out of your business and pulls his weight around the house. As long as he makes your life easier.

No point in binning him off while he's useful. But the second he starts...

I'd say you won't be able to let your guard down but the longer he keeps up the good behaviour the more ingrained it will become. But you need to be in charge I think.

Thanks vodka, I totally agree!
Seems unfair to only vent when all is crap, so I’m venting in the hope that it stays good. I’ve got great hopes as we are talking more - and any nonsense I leave the room. Im also now able to ask what he means and I had got something totally misunderstood. So I guess as my French friend says, ‘there are two sides to a slice of sausage’ ! I am keeping a weather eye out, as yes, it has been very crap.
Have been mooching about on various threads ( mumsnet is addictive!) and see that a. Lot of your names crop up quite a few times - you are obviously helping lots of posters, which is an amazingly useful use of your experiences. So respect to all . This is an amazing set up x

I think it is important to recognise that it has been very crap and not brush it under the carpet, at least to yourself. What do you think his reaction would be to you raising your unhappiness with his past behaviour at the moment or at some point in the future if things continue to go well? Not suggesting you do this (because there is a pattern of him reacting badly to you upsetting the apple cart and because you are simply giving him ammunition if things turn), but basically you are left trying to process what has happened on your own (and with your therapist).

Whether due to circumstances or character, you have lived through a period where your partner has been really quite mean and controlling. He has made himself feel better about the shit in his life by taking it out on you. He got you to a stage where you were so scared of his reaction that you did not see your mother for a long period and you had lost sight of what you wanted. You have stayed because you are a kind person giving him the benefit of the doubt (ie it was circumstances, not him), because you don’t want to disrupt your children’s lives, because you have nowhere else to go and because, this is totally understandable by the way, you want something better from him. You deserve something better from him.

So the very clear and consistent message your partner needs to be getting is ‘I am not putting up with that again’. It sounds like you have still got a way to go to being an equal partner in the relationship again (if you ever were one), but you are in a better position than when you started posting.

So my one nagging doubt here - how much time of yours is this talking taking up (are you getting enough time to do the things which matter to you?) and how often are you having to ask for clarification/leave the room etc (which is just another way of constantly being alert)? It still sounds somewhat wearing.

I am on the fence as to whether it was circumstances or character, by the way. I think time will tell. It was a shit way to behave, even as a response to circumstances and the message you really, really need to be getting from him, through his actions not words, is that he understands you are not his whipping boy when things get tough.

Have you got the next visit to your mother booked?

Good points! I need to get on so will think about this today - and raise with counsellor actually. Thanks!

Whilst things may have improved the bar was set horrifically low...

Is he now doing his share around the house so you get plenty of uninterrupted time to work on your business?

Have you actually had a discussion and been shown what is owed on the mortgage and what he has in savings?

You need to be getting those savings invested in the house... whether it's paying off some mortgage or getting the work needed on the house. When he starts getting all possessive over "his" money you need to ask "why isn't it family money?"

That's a great post Katysun. The past can't just be brushed under the carpet. He needs to apologise, and acknowledge and repair. It took a lot of effort Over a sustained time on his part to get you to that awful place it definitely wasn't just because of outside influences.

It's great that you are able to forgive but he hasn't actually asked you to, has he?

Thanks everyone. Sorry for not replying - got into a total muddle. I am still taking a view, as things seem to be changing, tho thanks for pointing out that the bar was set very low.
For now, am concentrating on getting my confidence up to actually move forward with laughing attempt at business. Have so many mental blocks it’s insane!

I can imagine it must still be all a lot to take in. How is your mum?

@Treatedlikeamaid how are you? Hope everything is going ok