I have a good marriage. So why do I want to leave?

[LoganberryOakley]

Name change for this thread. I always change it for a new thread.

I know these threads might come across as annoying and I'm warning you it's not an exciting thread. I really think I'm beginning to jeopardise my future in my marriage. And I think I would be ruining the best thing I have ever had.

It's me, my husband and two DSs (early 20s), both sons at home at the moment, but one is away term time. I am 44 and have been with my husband since we met at 18, 26 years together. We went to school together so I've known him since I was 5 (although we were never friends at school)

It's a good marriage, we have things in common and he's always planning things for us to do, holidays, day trips and outings. He books things to my taste, he listens to me and buys relevant gifts/ experiences. He likes spending time with me but also gives me space to do my own thing.

He's honest and kind and the sex is good, he earns three times what I do but it's all shared (I work in social care so very low salary). He thinks me being happy is a priority and important. He's a really good dad. He's with the DSs just now.

I've never known anything else.... And I keep thinking I want something else, it's always going through my mind. I'm going a bit crazy with it. This predates lockdown and those stresses. I don't even know if I want someone else. A lot of the time I think of living alone. I don't know why.

I think I'm being childish and I need a bit of a talking to. Neither of us has cheated (I believe my husband hasn't and I know I haven't).

I'm mid forties, getting a bit frumpy (trying my hardest to halt it but it's happening anyway), he thinks I'm lovely. I'm not going to get someone else who thinks I am attractive like he does.

Please tell me to stop being ungrateful and get on with it. Honestly , I'm so disappointed with myself. Is this a midlife thing?

Oh and he looks good and keeps fit. Does above his share of housework. Takes care of me when I'm sick. ....

I'm writing this and I just sound annoying.

Only flaw I can think if is he drinks a little bit too much. But even that isn't a problem really.

I am the disappointment in our relationship.

The first thing I would recommend and it’s an old cliche but communicate this to your husband. Sometimes when we are with someone that long we can get stuck in a rut and doing all the old same things so perhaps you both could shake things up a bit and try some new things together. Is there anything you can think of you have wanted to try?

One thing you don’t mention in your original post is if you live your husband, it certainly seems you do appreciate him but do you love him?

Was your husband your first serious partner and/or your first sexual partner as we can often become fixated on what is out there and what have we missed out on, especially young partners, it can lead to feelings of having missed out on life. You never know your husband may go through periods of this also. As humans we always tend to want what we believe we can’t have, even if we’re not quite sure what that is. It’s perfectly normal to want more in life but be very careful about keeping what your feelings to yourself as they can quickly turn to resentment (husband holding you back) and that can seriously harm a relationship.

You have taken a great step by posting this because you have it straight in your head what your husband is offering you now and at lest you recognise that but what you need to focus on is working with your husband to figure out what’s missing and what you need to do to keep your relationship strong.

@lmwghb

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post, I honestly feel like I should just be grateful and appreciate my life. When I look 30 years in the future I do see it with my husband, but I'm also worried I'm going to jeopardise it. I don't want to. I really don't , but I'm feeling suffocated maybe? But it's coming from me not him.

I do love my husband. He's my family I suppose. He's my best friend. I am just so used to him being there. He's always there when I need him and it's like he's become part of me I suppose. I know what he's thinking , I know what he's going to say. I think this is a big part of the problem.

He wasn't my first sexual partner, but he was my first "proper" relationship, and when it started I couldn't have imagined we would still be together decades later. He was fun and I just thought it would last the summer....

I bought us language lessons this year to try and it was fun actually, they got stopped after a few weeks (lockdown) but that's a good idea. I will look at something else when all that starts up..... I need to try more things like that, I'm just so used to seeing him that I think I miss what is there.

Your post has been really helpful.

It’s a cliche but the grass is always greener on the other side. I’m older than you and married later after living alone for years and I reallly miss it sometimes. I daydream about when I had a double bed to myself, only watched tv I liked, had nail polishes in the fridge, all flippant things but when I had that I wanted what I have now. Just because you met young it doesn’t mean it’s not right.

Sounds like you're bored and worried you've missed out on stuff when you were young. Pretty normal I'd say. Talk to your husband, tell him these things. See what you can work out together. Anything from a solo travel trip to a break.

It’s certainly hard not to think about what you may have missed out, it can be attributed to the grass is greener syndrome where we believe or think we are missing out on something “better” or more “exciting”.

Also when we have been with someone for so long we get to know them very well but there is a danger that we can start to believe that we know what their thoughts and feelings are or what they are thinking and that can stifle proper communication between you and your spouse. That’s why it’s important I would say you speak to your husband and lay out how your feeling, it’s good you still love him and you can reassure him of that but that you feel something is missing. Two head are better than one and again you may find he is feeling the same and you will be able to work together.

It may also be worth investing in some MC as this can help pinpoint areas of the relationship that are missing.

From your post it seems you guys are perhaps in a comfortable place which is never a bad thing so maybe time to introduce some fun and something different to your relationship and /or sex life. Also you say he is part of you which he is but keep in mind you are your own independent person as well and it’s healthy in a relationship to have your own hobbies and interests as well which has the added advantage of giving you both something to talk about in the quiet times.

Do you have a good social life away from him? I find doing lots independently makes the heart grow fonder. You've probably got a bout of familiarity!

You have a good husband. You have grown up children. And youre only in your 40’s! Make this an exciting time with your husband. Book surprises. Go on weekends away. Take random classes together.

@Claphands

I wonder if maybe I am a bit sad that I never lived alone. Never had a fridge full of nail varnishes and white wine and a freezer full of vodka. It sounds fun but the reality always comes with its own set of problems I suppose .... I also never "dated", I have read the dating thread on here and I wonder if sometimes it doesn't sound a bit fun... But I would be ridiculous to risk a good marriage to go back and try these things out. I mean not just risk, I'd have to end it.

I just need to be more appreciative of what I've got I suppose and find ways of having fun with my husband.

Thank you

Can you take a holiday away for a few weeks to give yourself a chance to miss him?

I dont mean a girls trip to Ibiza where you're surrounded by opportunities to cheat, maybe a sightseeing holiday with your mum/a sister so it is all very innocent.

I also never "dated", I have read the dating thread on here and I wonder if sometimes it doesn't sound a bit fun

Theres no reason why you cannot date your husband. Plan nights out youve not done before or for years.

Interestingly I am at the opposite end of the spectrum where my wife has ended our long term marriage and I am now “single” again in my 40s. It’s all pretty raw right now but I am yearning still for companionship, I also read the dating threads and it sounds like a nightmare. I too met my wife when I was young and she is and was the only woman I have ever been with.

Honestly I don’t think your missing out on anything, there are some good suggestions in this thread.

@LoganberryOakley I dated when I split with my exh (similar age to you). Dating is awful. You second guess yourself, you think people like you when they just want sex, you get stood up/ghosted...

You have everything in your relationship that you would want from dating someone except that person won't do any of those things! Date your husband, find new things to do together. I don't know if you watch Modern Family but two of the main protagonists make time to "date" each other in variously amusing scenarios to keep their relationship fun. Find the fun again!

Unless there's a big drip feed coming you're happy and loved and you love in return, is that correct?

I think you'd be mad to throw away what sounds like a really good marriage. It's normal to get a bit too comfortable and to wonder if the grass is greener. I understand about mourning your youth a little - it sounds like you had your children fairly young. You can't get it back though, and life as a single woman in your forties will be nothing like the heady days of twenty something flatshares or student halls!

I agree with a PP that you need to start having fun with your husband. Your children are grown, you are still young enough to do lots of things together, and you have the ideal companion in your husband. A friend of mine and her husband took up wild camping and hiking in their 50s- it's all mostly the UK, totally doable, but they have some fantastic times, and I know it's really strengthened their relationship - she feels that they're having adventures together. My own parents took themselves on a sort of decades long foodie tour of the British Isles once they had an empty nest. Go and visit the nearest city that you don't really know well for the day - find the best coffee shop, or the local museum, or river walk, or something. New experiences that you share together are the best way to appreciate someone's good points and to remember why you're with them in the first place.

I wouldn't touch the current dating scene with a bargepole myself, it seems like an absolute bear pit.

I also think you maybe need to work on ways to fuel your own sense of independence - as a PP said, a good social life away from your husband, perhaps a new course of study or even a career change

Sounds like you have a great marriage. Sound like you haven’t ever thrown caution to the wind - together or part.

Ideas:
Go away on your own. You don’t have to leave your husband or marriage to take a break!
Go back to college and learn something, further your career or skills. You mentioned language?
Go on a learning holiday - the sort with a small group. Cooking, painting, pottery, yoga , creative writing, carpentry, blacksmithing, whatever. Have a gap year!

You've really got it good. You have no idea.

But that doesn't take away the reality of what you're feeling. It does sound to me like you're so so bored.

Do you have a life outside your marriage? Friends you can see, hobbies that are different to his and that get you out?

OP, sorry if I'm way off the mark but is it possible that you might be suffering from a form of something called intrusive thoughts? It's where a worrying, upsetting or unsettling thought crops up over and over again and you keep engaging with it and it keeps getting bigger and bigger in your mind. And the more you try to rationalise it away, the worse it gets.

The sense I'm getting from your post is that you're not unhappy in your marriage, it's that you seem maybe to be trapped in a pattern of thinking that's making you doubt yourself more and more.

I might be totally wrong or projecting, but if any of the above sounds like it might resonate with you, this is very much a recognised thing and there are helpful CBT based books and resources out there on this subject.

You sound like you're more in a rut with yourself than with your marriage. Maybe you should explore some new hobbies or volunteer work to focus your mind on new things. Also, if you are in Peri-menopause, which you probably are to at least some degree, the hormonal changes can really throw a spanner into your emotions.

He sounds a gem - hang on to him!

@CorianderLord

Thanks, a few people have suggested a solo travel break. I wouldn't have considered that at all. I'm actually starting to wonder a little bit if I'm the one that's being boring!

The messages everyone are sending are absolutely brilliant and really helpful. I was scared I would get a lot of, " if it's not right , then leave". And I don't want that at all. The ideas are really good.

I suppose I might be approaching the middle of a 60 year relationship ( this is my true hope), it's going to get boring at times, I'm going to have regrets. I just want to find a way to keep going through everything and these are great suggestions for that. I'm feeling more hopeful than I was already.

On Paper you have a perfect life .So many people feel there must be something "more" to life especially when they reach their 40s or 50s .Sometimes we yearn for something different,even though we know deep down we are happy . 18 is young to meet your life partner though .We change a lot, and its not unusual to feel you may have "missed out".The reality of dating later on is quite different! What about your work ,can you look at any sort of promotion prospects ,getting a different job? If your DC are in their 20s,you have more time to spare .Maybe ask DH what sort of things he may like to do .Maybe a boat /caravan ,W/E away .Travelling to India/US(After Covid obv!!)

Dating isn't fun. Men your age who are single will be single for a reason.
OLD is tedious and full of needy men who get in a strop if you don't reply for a few hours. Er, yeah, if I'm at work I might not want to chat.

Probably not the best suggestion right now, but I'd look into a holiday on your own, maybe to do something that your DH might not be keen on doing, or a change of direction at work or something.

Sounds like boredom and a bit of a middle life reflection. Especially if you were with your husband from quite a young age. I’d start doing a lot of independent things. Travelling, other hobbies. Your dh sounds lovely.

Also while I think about it, being so confident of the robustness of your marriage hopefully means that a little time and adventure together or apart Will build rather than tear your relationship. Time to become skilled at something new!

I do know how you feel OP , my problem is similar but I do know that if I suggested breaks on my own etc it wouldn’t go down well— not because he doesn’t trust me, more because he has no local company and doesn’t understand why I might fancy doing it —he knows and is friends with a lot of people , but they aren’t local and not in the position he could stay — I simply don’t suggest anymore because it creates a bad vibe and I do realise that it’s wrong to put up with it. If you fancy doing it, hope it goes down better than it did for me

I agree with the other posters. I think you should find a hobby/ activity/ social event that you can enjoy without your DH, it will help you feel like an individual.
My DH and I do not have many friends in common, once a week we each socialise with our friends apart (pre lockdown).