I have a good marriage. So why do I want to leave?

[LoganberryOakley]

Name change for this thread. I always change it for a new thread.

I know these threads might come across as annoying and I'm warning you it's not an exciting thread. I really think I'm beginning to jeopardise my future in my marriage. And I think I would be ruining the best thing I have ever had.

It's me, my husband and two DSs (early 20s), both sons at home at the moment, but one is away term time. I am 44 and have been with my husband since we met at 18, 26 years together. We went to school together so I've known him since I was 5 (although we were never friends at school)

It's a good marriage, we have things in common and he's always planning things for us to do, holidays, day trips and outings. He books things to my taste, he listens to me and buys relevant gifts/ experiences. He likes spending time with me but also gives me space to do my own thing.

He's honest and kind and the sex is good, he earns three times what I do but it's all shared (I work in social care so very low salary). He thinks me being happy is a priority and important. He's a really good dad. He's with the DSs just now.

I've never known anything else.... And I keep thinking I want something else, it's always going through my mind. I'm going a bit crazy with it. This predates lockdown and those stresses. I don't even know if I want someone else. A lot of the time I think of living alone. I don't know why.

I think I'm being childish and I need a bit of a talking to. Neither of us has cheated (I believe my husband hasn't and I know I haven't).

I'm mid forties, getting a bit frumpy (trying my hardest to halt it but it's happening anyway), he thinks I'm lovely. I'm not going to get someone else who thinks I am attractive like he does.

Please tell me to stop being ungrateful and get on with it. Honestly , I'm so disappointed with myself. Is this a midlife thing?

Oh and he looks good and keeps fit. Does above his share of housework. Takes care of me when I'm sick. ....

I'm writing this and I just sound annoying.

Only flaw I can think if is he drinks a little bit too much. But even that isn't a problem really.

I am the disappointment in our relationship.

I just realised how long that post was.... sorry. I do like to go on a bit.

@Spodge

I'm the OP, I had a change of username.

I'm being terrible and I'm my age too! I have no idea what's happening really. I'm trying so hard to be reasonable and I know logically it's all really, really good. But I'm crying every day, I'm up and down and all over the place and I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I should have named this thread , "I'm having a mid life crisis and how the hell do I sort this?" I don't know about perimenopause.... I haven't got any clear symptoms and I don't get periods because I'm on the Mirena coil. I'm looking on the NHS website .... I have... Headaches, mood swings, palpitations and problems with memory. that's it. I don't have most of them... I am erratic though. I should wait until the hot flushes and night sweats, until something more concrete. My mum was fully in menopause before 44 though. Thank you though, for not making me feel completely crazy. It helps. Maybe I should get a book on that too. Except my concentration seems shot at the minute. I'm starting my book "mating in captivity" tonight.

I'm just using this forum like a diary now. Thank you. Goodnight.

Thanks for the reply. Am glad that you can see that the introversion might have led to your initial posting

Re sex life. I did want to shock you into the realisation that you are actually well matched with your DH. My general view - which others may strongly disagree with - is that in a typical heterosexual relationship it is a good idea if the man has a higher libido than the woman. For one thing, it hopefully encourages the man to make more effort which generally leads to more female satisfaction. Anyway it has worked well for us for over 40 years of marriage. I did want to point out that many if not most men can’t cope with the reverse despite what they might think or say.

Reading your posts you definitely have an inferiority complex and/or low self esteem - something that a lot of us 'invisible' middle aged women suffer with. We are bombarded with images of perfect, sexy, young people with perfect, exciting lives, and frankly, it's all a sham. Most of us are muddling along with pudgy middles, grey hair, untidy under-sink cupboards and with a variable sex-drive. I bet you are the kind of woman that other women look at and aspire to be like (worthwhile job, lovely house, good relationship, had kids young so has many years left to have fun, comfortably off etc etc).

I agree with the wisdom of PP and would encourage you to invest time and effort in you. As mums we lose the habit (and layer on the guilt) of focussing on ourselves. Get fit, get your colours done, change your clothes, go on the artist retreat, mosaic the kitchen (sounds bloody lovely 😊). Make a pot and a painting. Make one for all of your friends. Get your fire back. Fall back in love with you ( very unmumsnetty thing to say I know , sorry about that).

We need to find the extraordinary in the ordinary to get fulfilment, and to follow our dreams (once we know what they are). Your responses to suggestions show you are open to anything, and that's a brilliant start. You are a lucky person, surrounded by love. Treasure that, and allow just a bit more for you, that way lies happiness.

@AnotherOldGeezer

The fact that it's better for men to have a higher libido makes a lot of sense and it's not something I've considered at all, I've thought that we are lucky that our sex drive isn't too far apart ( although mine is definitely higher).

For much of my 20s I didn't initiate much after I got pregnant. Still once a day through everything though...

My 30s weren't as straightforward but I started taking more responsibility for my own needs and I also started to initiate much more.

Now I'm trying to get a balance of it all but I am suddenly appreciative of the way my husband has been through everything. Its interesting for me to think about this. Years ago I was surprised to learn that a lot of women don't just lay back and think of England and a lot of marriages are sexless due to the man halting it in some way.... I couldn't cope with that for no reason. It was bad enough when it was medication....

Thank you for the new perspective. I will keep it.

@lightlypoached

Thank you for a completely new way of looking at it that is also very relevant to me.

I am getting older and I'm not loving it to be honest. ( I'm loving my son's getting older though so I've got to roll with it really). I have never considered myself vain. I get up, put on a little bit of make up and then I don't check myself till the end of the day. But it has dawned on me I'm not getting away with this anymore. My cosmetics are wrong, my colours are wrong, I feel odd now, I feel invisible. I got away with not making much effort when I was young and looked alright, my husband always liked the way I looked. I'm not getting away with it anymore.

I have recently started getting my colours done, the grey is more than creeping....more like engulfing , and I did join the gym a while ago. Which I can highly recommend. (Spin classes are addictive and dance classes are fun) . My gyms not opening till next month though but I'll get back to it.

The mosaic and the paints and the pots... (I did pottery when I was young as well, I loved it). They all sound amazing. I'm scared to start with that though. More than anything. And it's fear I'm going to have lost it, but that's ridiculous isn't it? Because if I don't try I've definitely lost it!

We do need to find the extraordinary in the ordinary.... I like that. I'm a person who has always been easily pleased with regards to the ordinary. Maybe I need to have higher standards for me and seek out that little bit of wonderful in everything. Instead of making sure everyone else has access I it in their life.

It's bloody hard being middle aged, I thought I would be fine. I thought my outside age would reflect my inner feelings more, I've always felt older than I was. Turns out I want to be 25 again. But I will get over it! Also... I'm middle aged with the skills of a teenager in a lot of ways? I don't know how to make the most of myself, I've never really tried. I've got so much to learn.

I've just got to take it one step at a time. Your post is lovely, and it's so nice to be in the same boat as so many people. Thank you ( and as unmumsnetty as it it may be, I'm going to try my hardest to fall in love with me, and I hope you ,fall, or stay, in love with you too)

I think you have received most of your advice already

A couple more thoughts

Firstly, you are 44. That is an age when for many people life satisfaction is just about at its lowest point. The cliche of the midlife crisis

For most people, around 20 is good, when life has so many possibilities. (Not for everyone though. 20 for me was just about as bad as it got, so these are only general indicators)

Then responsibilities pile on, and the future looks loaded with worries while the options narrow. As we age, we eventually accept our situation and ourselves, so for many people in their 60s and 70s there is another peak. The cliche of the Saga cruise

Secondly, I think by now you know that any checklist of your life situation would show a high score. No bad thing to realise this

Intuition can over-ride checklists, but counting your blessings is still a worthwhile activity

@AnotherOldGeezer

Thank you, this has been an amazing thread for giving me new perspectives on so many aspects of my life. It's given me so much more than I could have hoped for. I feel lighter, less questioning of my direction. Now I feel much more sure of where I want to go, it's moved to a question of how to get there in the best possible way.

I am affectionate with my husband and we are open in many ways, but I'm starting to talk more to him about how I'm feeling and it's early days but he's responding really well. Sometimes he even seems relieved. I think holding back in a relationship can be really easy to do but less easy to recognise. A few weeks ago I wondered if my unhappiness was in part due to the "death of a thousand papercuts", but now I realise I was only feeling this due to my perspective, not because they were actually inflicted. I think of myself as very complicated at times but the reality is I am also very simple.

I take so much for granted,. My blessings are many and I am looking to appreciate them each and every day. But this doesn't happen without work and effort. I feel excited to move on into the next stage, and it's going to take work to get me to where I want to go....but I'm willing to take it on. The alternative is far too depressing.

I am very responsible, I have always tried to do the right thing, I am also maybe too much of a people pleaser and too focused on others comfort. I need to correct this. Actually, I want to correct this. I want for once to think about me. This thread has allowed me the opportunity to focus on me unlike anything else I've done for a very long time, I think. Which is why I've grasped onto it so much. I'm going to keep writing and updating it a little and I hope it may help others in some ways, (and the cruises have made me laugh because my husband's already talked about all the routes we will take when we are older).

Thank you. You are a great person to go to for advice. I appreciate it a lot.

So, beautiful sunny day, shopping, a lovely lunch and a long afternoon in a pub garden. Lots of talking. Lots and lots of talking.

My husband is also having some sort of mid life crisis. He had a road rage incident last week which I only found out about today (very unlike him, although no violence, just shouting). He's wants to leave his job and retrain ( in a couple of years time) and he's stressed about his dads health, he is worried about our sons future and he's wondering what the hell is going on with me. I didn't really know this. I knew bits but all together.... It's a lot.

We talked about all that in depth and we talked about counselling again, my husband isn't just on board, he's looking for some personal counselling too. I'm going to contact the marriage counsellor see if we can delay by another month or so, that will give us 10 weeks? To get some individual counselling.

So, I feel flat but also....I don't know? Like the outside of my life is starting to feel like the inside? I had wine in the sun so I probably make no sense at all. It doesn't feel like a positive update but I think it might be. Goodnight.

I'm going to retire this username and this thread, I'm going to take a break from Mumsnet altogether actually. I get too caught up in it. It's not good for me. Normally I'm fine. But when I'm feeling kind of lonely, like I am now, I use it as a balm to cope with life. And that just can't be healthy can it? ....

Going to do the work in my marriage and thank you everyone for posting. I appreciate it. Take care and have a wonderful Sunday . Xxx