I have a good marriage. So why do I want to leave?

[LoganberryOakley]

Name change for this thread. I always change it for a new thread.

I know these threads might come across as annoying and I'm warning you it's not an exciting thread. I really think I'm beginning to jeopardise my future in my marriage. And I think I would be ruining the best thing I have ever had.

It's me, my husband and two DSs (early 20s), both sons at home at the moment, but one is away term time. I am 44 and have been with my husband since we met at 18, 26 years together. We went to school together so I've known him since I was 5 (although we were never friends at school)

It's a good marriage, we have things in common and he's always planning things for us to do, holidays, day trips and outings. He books things to my taste, he listens to me and buys relevant gifts/ experiences. He likes spending time with me but also gives me space to do my own thing.

He's honest and kind and the sex is good, he earns three times what I do but it's all shared (I work in social care so very low salary). He thinks me being happy is a priority and important. He's a really good dad. He's with the DSs just now.

I've never known anything else.... And I keep thinking I want something else, it's always going through my mind. I'm going a bit crazy with it. This predates lockdown and those stresses. I don't even know if I want someone else. A lot of the time I think of living alone. I don't know why.

I think I'm being childish and I need a bit of a talking to. Neither of us has cheated (I believe my husband hasn't and I know I haven't).

I'm mid forties, getting a bit frumpy (trying my hardest to halt it but it's happening anyway), he thinks I'm lovely. I'm not going to get someone else who thinks I am attractive like he does.

Please tell me to stop being ungrateful and get on with it. Honestly , I'm so disappointed with myself. Is this a midlife thing?

Oh and he looks good and keeps fit. Does above his share of housework. Takes care of me when I'm sick. ....

I'm writing this and I just sound annoying.

Only flaw I can think if is he drinks a little bit too much. But even that isn't a problem really.

I am the disappointment in our relationship.

It probably is a bit of a mid-life thing.
You've been a daughter, girlfriend, fiancee, wife, mum, and maybe you'd like to be Loganberry for a bit.

Do you have an interesting job which involves you with other people?
Just wondering as a demanding job would make you more appreciative of a steady home life.

@lmwghb

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage splitting up, I really am. It's lovely of you to actually to give me advice to help when you're going through that. It's a really kind thing to do.

I think I must have read the dating threads on a good day maybe, I suppose to me even the disappointment of dates seems like a world I don't know anything about. I have never been stood up or ghosted or sat waiting for a text... My husband's just always did what he said he was going to do. I know I sound pathetic. And I don't want to be stood up. I just have no stories I suppose. People always have crazy exes... or funny stories... I've got a couple of okay one night stands and a high school boyfriend. But that's a good thing. I think I have been a bit immature with this.

I'm going to talk to my husband and I'm going to think about counselling, maybe some for me first?

I'm going to be really proactive with all the advice.

The grass is rarely greener OP.

@LoganberryOakley do you and your husband have any activities/ friend groups that you don't do/meet together? It's good to have separate interests and friends so you have something to talk about. Also a good idea to go away on holidays with friends without partner and family from time to time. If you can go on a solo trip that's even better and I highly recommend it. It seems like you just want a change in your daily life/ routine and it's not so much about your marriage or husband. So just go out and try to make new friends and hobbies

It sounds like you got the jackpot early in life on the relationship front. Many many peopl don't and that quest for a 'perfect good relationship' becomes their focus for why they are unhappy or desire more . You don't have that as an excuse so you are forced to look deeper, to see what else you need to fulfill your life. That is a good thing and does not mean that you need to give up the good relationship, just that you need to make room in your life for something else that is fun and challenging and fulfilling . I can guarantee you that the modern dating scene is none of those things

You may also be missing the butterflies in your tummy feeling in the early years of a relationship. Even if you started dating again, the butterfly feeling would still fade over time and you would be back to square one.

I get where you are coming from, I am in a similarly long marriage but was only saying to DD (20) this week that I wouldn't have been so appreciative of DH if I hadn't had a few bastards to contend with before him.
A friend in a similar mind set to you a few years back, went to work as a house mistress in a boarding school in Switzerland for two years once her DC left home. She always says that time apart was great for her relationship. She had been used to her DH being away for work and it was refreshing for them both to change the balance.
This will sound horrible so I'm sorry but if you had real problems, such as ill health with your DC, you wouldn't have time to speculate on how content you are within your marriage. Set your life alight by all means but don't destroy such a strong bedrock.

OP just to say I really do get it, and feel the same, though my kids are a bit younger than yours. I think I just want to break free a bit and feel like me as a separate entity. And of course, lockdown is making that harder than usual.

No quick answers but I understand x

Op. I really get what you are saying and feeling. It all feels a bit too familiar and you question what the next x amount of years looks like. I'm single after being married and whilst there are many things I love about being single (freedom to do what I want, independent, watch what I want on tv and so much more.. this was not my choice even though i have learnt to live with it and be happy.. I wouldn't have chosen it.

On line dating isn't fun really. It might look like it is if you ate in a comfortable marriage but if you are on your own it can be soul destroying and crushing. I say that as someone who is always told how amazing I look for my age, how none of my friends or their husbands can believe I'm single and as someone who is happy and successful in life.

But I do get your sense of 'is this it?' Abd missing out. I really think solo pursuits to get back your lust for life plus something new for you both to try together is the right thing to try. If none of That works then perhaps explore other things but I think these things or possibly some joint counselling could be a good thing to try. Good luck

I was a bit like this in my forties.
I did get over it , but a few friends of mine ended up just going out all the time and ended up having affairs and messy divorces. I'm not saying this will happen to you at all , but I've seen it too many times when people become bored with each other. Or one of the couple becomes a bit fed up or just wants something different from the norm.
Your dh sounds great but please don't get into too many ruts as it could easily go 'pear shaped. ' I've seen it happen to people.

I do understand where your coming from but this is when people can start to drift when they feel as you are now.
It might be worth telling him how your feeling and remember peri menopause can also play havoc with how we think and feel about things. It's not called the ' change of life' for nothing!

@EnoughAlready2020

My social lifes not what it should be, my friends are at a different stage to me a bit, one single, others with younger kids .. although I love them and they are good friends a month can easily go by without seeing them.... it's a problem because I don't have any extended family either.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

I actually didn't really think of this. Going on dates. Proper Dates. We go out, we go to the gym together and for meals at the pub, drinks. He's always on Groupon or Wowcher looking for ideas, like going on segways or a painting with wine evening ( pre lockdown), but it's never like a date where I get dressed up and meet him in a nice restaurant or anything like that. I should try it, it sounds like fun actually.

And I need to book him some surprises. He does probably about three times the research and work as I do.... I'm lazy with it because he's always done it but I need to pull my weight more.... I am starting to think I really don't deserve him.

@Wolfgirrl

I've been thinking about this since I read it and for years he's been trying to get me to go on "artist retreats" holidays , and that would be on my own. I always thought they were so expensive for just me.... I was at art college when I met him and although it didn't go anywhere my husband keeps trying to get me back to it. He thinks it's the key to my happiness. I've lost motivation with it. But I'm going to do some research and see if I can come up for something for next year.

@amillionwishes

There's no drip feed... (Just that I'm a terrible wife and I need to start being better,) I have binge watched modern family over lockdown! Well the seasons that are on Netflix, I love their alter egos on their dates and I love how phil always says the unsexiest thing when trying to be sexy!

We did have one weekend away when I was maybe 21 and we pretended to be different people.... I haven't thought about that in years....

This thread has been an absolute gem. I thought I was going to get told off for being ungrateful or told that something must be wrong if I felt this way but I got exactly the advice that I needed

@VoppityHoosh

You're absolutely right, and you know my husband has been trying to push all this stuff on me and I've been resistant. He wants us to have a good, healthy relationship and I've been busy wondering what the other side of the fence is like.... Wild camping is great, we used to do it years ago with DSs but I've never thought of just the two of us doing it.... And my husband wants to do some tour in Scotland ...is it the west coast 500?.. something like that.

I'm going to take a look at myself, this thread has made me realise a few things and I think a lot of the dissatisfaction is with myself.....

Thank you everyone so much. I will catch up tomorrow.

The bottom line is you did miss out on single life as a young adult and the experience of dating different men and seeing what works for you and what doesn’t. Those are really important life experiences and most people benefit from having them.

However, what you seem to have done instead, as one PP said, was hit the relationship jackpot early on in life. And that’s an amazing thing to have happen. The consequence is that you’ve done your child-rearing and you’re still only in your 40s. You and your H can do some of the things now that you didn’t do in your 20s. Do some things with your husband and some things w/o him so you have a chance to miss him.

The artist retreat was what I was thinking of! Could you do evening or weekend classes?

Do the dress up, have a romantic meal out and things. You are only 44. Best years of your life.

and yes, do the research and look for places you want to go.

Ooh, an artist retreat sounds brilliant! Honestly, i think you realise this already but build on what youve got-you dont need to start again, just a refresh of your hobbies, plans, interests-the answer is not outside your marriage.

“I'm going to take a look at myself, this thread has made me realise a few things and I think a lot of the dissatisfaction is with myself....“

I think this is good advice for me too x

I am 30 years older than you. One of the good things about being my age is that all the limitations you put on yourself disappear - you might think you can't run, paint, sing etc etc But once you reach my age you say - sod it, I've not got that long left I'm going to do x, y, z and finally visit Khatmandu/ the Silk Road/ Africa. ...........
My friends have many enjoyable, fulfilling hobbies. Some are very skilled. And some do interesting volunteering. I just wish I'd started earlier. So OP start now!

Try reading Gretchen Rubin about happiness. There is a blog and podcast too. One thing she says that I think is brilliant is: what did you LOVE when you were small? Going back to that can be wonderful. E.g. crafts, cooking, certain types of music, playing netball, reread your favourite books as a kid. These can be our purest pleasures.

Sounds like you feel jaded and you need to change things up a bit (or a lot).

@Girlwhowearsglasses

You know, you're right. I've never thrown caution to the wind. I always had this image of me being an artistic traveller when I was in my twenties, the reality was I was married with two kids and living on a shoestring budget by the age of 23. But we got by, and we have ( in the main), always had a happy home.... and I don't regret it. I did go clubbing with my friends a bit but not that much (probably about 7 times in all lol)... And we did a lot of travelling round the UK -camping. I used to see the UK as my mini version of the world. Since we got better off the holidays have got further afield but they're not "risky" or "off the beaten track". Although we don't do the lying on the beach holiday, we always do sights and excursions. I'd love to do some proper travelling.... It's definitely a regret.

The language is Spanish, I have a dream of the first year of retirement living in native Spain and learning near fluent Spanish. I know it's a ridiculous amount of time in the future but that's what the classes were/are for. I would absolutely love that and it's a benefit of me and my husband being the same age. He's on board with the idea.

@Eddielzzard

I am bored. I feel like a spoilt brat complaining but I have been so bored. I'm sitting thinking excitement is in the direction of a new life when the reality is , I have turned into a boring, middle aged, PITA and I'm looking for someone else to keep me entertained. This thread has been really, really useful for giving me inspiration to think about what I can do in my life to make it better. Thank you.

@welldonesquirrels

I've never heard of intrusive thoughts and I am thinking about doing some counselling, so I'm going to do some reading into that. I think my problem seems insignificant compared to most on the relationship board but it has been in my thoughts so much. I often see a little flat or a house that I like and imagine my life there, I have these idealised thoughts of wild flowers in the garden or mosaic tiling (done my me) in the kitchen. But these things I can do here, my husband lets me have free rein on the house.... I think of dating and the nervousness of that, but I don't think of getting a relationship.... I have romanticised it in my head.... And the thoughts come when I don't want them to and I don't think they are real. Like last week I had a raspberry ripple cone, and I thought "I wonder if I will ever have ice cream when I live myself" . But I don't WANT to live myself'. It's frustrating and it's spoiling my days with my husband. And I really, really want it to stop so thank you for that, it is really useful.

I’ve been single several years and never had a fridge full of nail varnish/wine/vodka. Maybe when I was in my early twenties but I was also an emotional mess then! The reality is living alone I can’t afford any of those things and my salary is decent.

Dating isn’t fun; it’s tedious and a bit of a rollercoaster of ghosting/unrequited feelings/being let down and disappointed. Most men are single for a reason and especially as you get older.

It sounds like you’ve got bored And have started fantasising and need a dose of reality! Life isn’t Sex and The City; being single later in life means you are less well off, possibly more lonely and it quickly gets old. Yes there are positives but not many that couldn’t also be done in a healthy marriage - solo trips for example. I would start looking at enhancing my own life before blaming boredom on my marriage.

@Aquamarine1029

I do volunteer but I've been thinking of expanding that out ... I work in ( and volunteer with) young adults with special needs , which I absolutely love but I need to maybe try something a bit different as well..... I've never really did much academically and I've been thinking about maybe doing back and getting maths and english in evening classes? I've got so many ideas in my head right now...

Peri-menopause is something I've been thinking about, my mum was fully in menopause by my age so it's definitely a possibility. I have the mirena coil so I can't keep track that way.... I'll look up symptoms and do some reading about that.

@feelingfree17

He is, and I really don't deserve him. He's always been the same as well, he's just like that. He's worked in the same job since I met him as well, and he's worked his way up and he still loves it. He's just happy with his lot, and he's so easy going and kind, but also energetic and always wanting to try new things.... He deserves better than me but he's stuck with me.

@dottiedodah

I know, I know it sounds like one of those problems... Oh my gold is too shiny and my house is too big....( I don't have those problems btw) I was worried posting as I thought I'd get a lot of flack for being unappreciative but everyone has been amazing.

I don't know about my work really.... It is a change , I worked in shops/bakeries when the DSs were young, then got an office job for about ten years, then thought about social care and I haven't been doing that long.... But yes, maybe I've never really stretched myself in any job, I've never thought about promotion and maybe I need to start doing that. My family was always where I was happy and I "worked to live", maybe I need to look a bit outside the box with regards to that. Maybe it's my time. I'm working for another 23 years so why not?

Oh my husband doesn't see a trip or an experience that he doesn't want to try! He wants to go on a barge holiday, trains across Europe, walking holidays.... It's me that's the problem and I'm the one that's complaining about being bored!

I’ve been single several years and never had a fridge full of nail varnish/wine/vodka.

Me neither.

Sorry, just to correct , I work with young adults with additional needs, (not special needs.) I really should have known better than to say that, there's a whole new language around social care that is different to what I was used to growing up , and it's all good. Anyway.

I'd agree with others saying you need to change it up a little, but please make sure you are careful as to how you raise this with your husband as if you don't do it right it could be incredibly damaging. The trick is not just to state your feelings without some discussion and agreement of how you are going to start sorting it out (essentially this is the reverse of advice men are given when talking to women).

A friend's divorce started this way with her feeling bored and then telling her husband that she was bored, not sure of what she wanted, etc. but she didn't really make time for discussing how they were going to sort this out and taking concrete actions. This went on for well over a year until her husband surprised her with divorce papers because he was 'fed up of waiting for her to make up her mind'. We both suspect he may have started developing feelings for his now partner (no evidence of an affair) as she (my friend) had unsettled him and that was it.

This is a really interesting post. A lot of this could apply to me. We’re 18 years in and I’m 37 and I can see so much of me in your posts. Our kids aren’t quite independent but I can take so much from this thread because like you, I hit the jackpot, my husband is amazing on every front but I often think about leaving etc and blowing my life apart just for a change and something different.