I have a good marriage. So why do I want to leave?

[LoganberryOakley]

Name change for this thread. I always change it for a new thread.

I know these threads might come across as annoying and I'm warning you it's not an exciting thread. I really think I'm beginning to jeopardise my future in my marriage. And I think I would be ruining the best thing I have ever had.

It's me, my husband and two DSs (early 20s), both sons at home at the moment, but one is away term time. I am 44 and have been with my husband since we met at 18, 26 years together. We went to school together so I've known him since I was 5 (although we were never friends at school)

It's a good marriage, we have things in common and he's always planning things for us to do, holidays, day trips and outings. He books things to my taste, he listens to me and buys relevant gifts/ experiences. He likes spending time with me but also gives me space to do my own thing.

He's honest and kind and the sex is good, he earns three times what I do but it's all shared (I work in social care so very low salary). He thinks me being happy is a priority and important. He's a really good dad. He's with the DSs just now.

I've never known anything else.... And I keep thinking I want something else, it's always going through my mind. I'm going a bit crazy with it. This predates lockdown and those stresses. I don't even know if I want someone else. A lot of the time I think of living alone. I don't know why.

I think I'm being childish and I need a bit of a talking to. Neither of us has cheated (I believe my husband hasn't and I know I haven't).

I'm mid forties, getting a bit frumpy (trying my hardest to halt it but it's happening anyway), he thinks I'm lovely. I'm not going to get someone else who thinks I am attractive like he does.

Please tell me to stop being ungrateful and get on with it. Honestly , I'm so disappointed with myself. Is this a midlife thing?

Oh and he looks good and keeps fit. Does above his share of housework. Takes care of me when I'm sick. ....

I'm writing this and I just sound annoying.

Only flaw I can think if is he drinks a little bit too much. But even that isn't a problem really.

I am the disappointment in our relationship.

You sound very level headed to me and I really think you'll get past this stage in your life! It would be different if your dh was awful but his not and it's true that the grass isn't greener and he would be snapped up by another woman too (I bet ) if you did end up parting ways , which I really don't think you will. Most of my friends who have ended up in new relationships have discovered it's not all great and dandy ! You trade one lot of problems for another sometimes!
Just a nice conversation with him might help and how he sees the future panning out with you. I wish you luck with it all. Marriage can be very hard work at times!

This thread is great. I'm in a similar situation but with a massive caveat, we don't have sex any more. If you and your dh have good sex then you are in a great position to build an exciting life from within it! I read your thread last night feeling inspired about all the great things I can do within my marriage (I am planning on doing more singing and hiking on my own), but then failed to have sex again and all the optimism comes crashing down...

@RaisinGhost

I'm just just saying this but those words are absolutely beautiful and made me a little emotional. That's really bitter sweet and true and it's what we do isn't it.... Compare our "real life" to the mythical, fictional one.... I ended up a young mum spending her free time cutting up potatoes to make paintings with when I wanted to be the starving artist living in some place in Europe with peeling wall and a beautiful view..... Or maybe some career girl who's a hit in matketing who wears amazing suits and drinks cosmopolitans. I had a lot of different paths I could have taken but I've got to see and appreciate the beauty in the one I DID choose. It's all life. (Not that I would have necessarily been successful in any other life I choose, I know that). In some of the alternative paths I might not be here anymore, and in most of them I wouldn't have my two sons....

But I'm here, and I'm home from a nice trip to the coast. I've got a husband who loves me. Proper love,the kind, consistent kind of love. The kind you can rely on. That's where my path took me because I need it. I just need to learn to properly appreciate and take care of it. Thank you so much for that. It's so beautiful.

@MikeUniformMike

Do people actually do that? That sounds awful. If someone stuck their tongue into my mouth uninvited I might bite it off! And honestly.... The sex sounds awful, so intrusive and ......I am very naive actually, I have this idea of a nervous englishman taking me for dinner .... I am starting to really hope that I don't have to know the realities of modern dating? Ever.

You really do have a descriptive way with words, my foreheads creating new wrinkles as we speak trying to come to terms with the way you describe it all. I really need to date my husband. That's the way forward.

And guys my age aren't going to be that interested in me are they!!!!... Not when they can get a 34 year old. And the ones that are interested would have younger kids as well.... Yep. I'm listening. I loved how you said I would have to lie about my age though lol.

Your life is richer with experiences, I kind of believe the richest people in the world are those that have the most experience. It makes you interesting, it makes you more empathetic, it makes you more understanding of the world and human nature. It's really valuable. I hate I've never experienced true jealousy or true heartbreak or true longing. I know that sounds strange but I think it makes you appreciative of what you do have.

But I have experienced different kinds of difficulties and I can imagine it.... So I'm going to have to realise that's enough. Until the one day I do experience it and I bet any money I won't think it valuable at all....

I am going to get out of my little self created cocoon and start living though. Experience for experiences sake until it builds into something.

@lmwghb

That was a kind thing to say. I'm so sorry what happened with you and your wife. I read your thread and I think it sounds really difficult. You sound like you are a really caring person, a good dad and you didn't deserve what happened at all.

I am trying, I think I've just been missing so much, I've been resistant to change, been looking one way when my life is the other. It's not good but I haven't went too far. I haven't caused irreparable hurt or damage. Although I think if I hadn't maybe started thinking about it it could have got so much worse. And will in the future , if I don't start being honest in my relationship about what I want for me and for us.

You had a similarly long marriage. And you sound like a commited husband and father.... The posts on this thread that say my husband would be taken quickly off the market would equally apply to you. I know it's early days for you but I don't think this is the end of your story.... Anything but.

I really do think you have been very kind to me to give me advice. It shows real strength of character. Thank you. I appreciate it.

@MikeUniformMike

Oh, and Samantha Jones always makes me think of having a swing in my bedroom.... it's the first thought I ever have of her lol. I love her so much!

Bridget Jones makes me think of crying "all by myself". .... So yeah. Let's go Samantha lol.

Your relationship with your DH aside, do you generally like your life? Work, social life, your interests, your relationship with your adult DSs etc?

As for ‘why would men want to date me’ - that’s negative self talk. If you no longer wanted to be with your H you’d likely date others, and may or may not have another good long term, sexual relationship. If you do want to stay with your H, your sexual attractiveness to others isn’t v relevant.

@QueSera

I like your use of "disabuse", it makes me feel suitably chastised lol ( in a lovely kind way). Thank you, I absolutely will look to date my lovely considerate, sex-having, good looking, fit husband.

I'm just laughing out loud, I wondered what that little yellow box was on your post and zoomed in, I love it! Dating after 40.... Gosh. I really have been day dreaming about a world that doesn't really exist .... lol. It's still making me laugh.... Because you're in hell.

Thank you, I think my problem is that I've never dated as a proper adult either. Not first date kind of things either .... It was sweet the few times I did it when I was a teenager. I'm maybe thinking of that.... It's been a fantastic reality check this thread. And I will remember the bike ride for sure!

@IShaggedAMarriedMan

Lol, thank you. I am absolutely torn on thinking about him being snapped up quickly , on the one hand he's lovely and it makes sense.... On the other, I'm not liking the idea at all!

@Bananabread8

I am definitely going to make an appointment with a counselor about this.... I know on the one hand it might seem like a good problem to have but it is coming to terms with the fact that although I do have this really good situation, something is missing for me. I'm really starting to think that it's my lack of independence, lack of passion for doing things and I've lost myself for some reason. But this all had to come from somewhere didn't it? That's what I'm thinking anyway. So counselling will help. And also CBT for creating better thought processes? I think so anyway...

I am really good in so many ways of not thinking about the grass being better. Not in work, or friends, or my home, or my DC. I'm not competitive really.

None if us get to live any life other than the one we are in.... it's about improving your situation by trying to work out what's important to you and motivate yourself to get there.... I just need to start. Thank you.

@Viviennemary

I know, it's the life I chose, I took a gamble in a way and I'm lucky it paid off. I don't know what the odds are of having a good husband and good father after 26 years with that kind of young start but they can't be great.

We have all got our difficulties and I maybe have more control over this than other people do, I know a lot of the problem lies with me, and I can control and look to work on that.

A lot of people who have problems with their partners or lack or partner and there's very much less they can do to control it themselves. I'm really going to take on board all the good advice from you and everyone else on this thread and turn this around. Thank you for understanding.

@VodselForDinner

I wouldn't be happy at all. I read your thought yesterday when you posted it so I've been thinking about it and I really haven't properly considered the reality of that at all. My husband says to me at least once a day "I wouldn't be anywhere else but here with you". I know it sounds cheesy but it's usually like a going to sleep thing.... It's just a thing he says now... And he said it last night and I just had this thought that one day he could be saying it to someone else and I really didn't react at all well to it. Instill don't thinking about it. And I know she would be thinking she hit the jackpot as well and wondering why I let go of him...

@Claphands

I'm definitely doing that retreat with all sorts of amazing new clothes to go with it! I'm going to update in a year with , "I went on the retreat!!!". It's my clearest thought for the future alongside the counselling....

We have kept it good. We have been pretty good at keeping our marriage honest and we have been through a lot together. We have lost three out of our four parents and we've had other sad things happen, and we always leaned on each other. I know where I am with him so much. I trust him completely, that's got to be really valuable isn't it? Thank you, you've been lovely

@AnotherOldGeezer

Thank you so much for your lovely post. Do you write? You have a beautiful way with words, I had to read the post twice because I got caught up in the language.

I think I'm one of life's observers and I am quiet and introverted but then I know I love being with people, and I'm always the last one to leave a social function so it isn't true. And I think of myself as being practical and a problem solver, and then I realise I want to bin the cleaning rotas and budgets, pack my rucksack and head up north to camp out on a remote Scottish island till I can breathe again. ( And count birds eggs! - One of my daydreams lol).

I think our family of origin tend to put us in a box, "funny one, clever one, moody one", and then we put ourselves into boxes too. Introverted or hardworking or "don't like change" and we forget that we always need to be changing in order to grow. And I have really forgotten this.

It must have been bittersweet going through those old diaries and letters. I don't have anything like that.... I'm interested in people keeping that kind of history, it's interesting. I'm so glad it makes you appreciate what you have now with your wife.

I have diaries, not consistently but from when I was pregnant for the first time and through my DSs childhoods here and there....and I'm so glad I kept them. So many moments that would have faded into oblivion....

We are the sum of what happens to us in life. Everybody leaves a mark, some leave a massive mark, some miniscule.... I know that when I die, If I think of my life and my husband is my protagonist then I have been very lucky and that's all we can hope for really. I want so much more though! I want life, and passion and music and travel. But I can still have that, in my marriage.

I like those kind of films as well.... Going back to the past to change some wrong.... It usually ends with some version of "be careful what you wish for". A saying I have often found to be true. We can't go back, but we aren't supposed to. We are supposed to learn and move forward with a better understanding and appreciation. Which is a lot easier to say than do!

Thank you so much. And I'm really not going to act on my impulses not until I have worked do much harder and tried so much longer at saving my marriage. (And I'm glad your zoom meetings haven't been given the chop lol)

@IHeartHarryStyles

Hi, sorry , the post I did at 12:16 was for you (not me, as I addressed it to 😀)

@LoganberryOakley - Yes, you sound great, he sounds great too etc And like @ValancyRedfern I envy you your sex life. But is he ever vulnerable with you? Proper surprisingly knocks you for six vulnerable. How many real conversations do you both have? Relationships need air to breathe and they're always changing, even when we try hard to keep to familiar patterns.

Like you said a bit back - you are bored. He does the planning, you go along with it. It all sounds a bit swamping to me, where are you in it all? No matter how great a partner is, I think it's ok to complain, at least to yourself. It's ok to get annoyed with him, it's even - whispers - ok to hate his guts at times.

My advice would be a bit different, stop being so damn grateful. Maybe, like your travel, you want something 'risky'? Or 'off the beaten track'? And that's not happening at home. For sure, the answer doesn't lie in OLD either. But somewhere ..... Surely.

But I'd agree with the others in following your own dreams and interests. There's no clear answers, I've been looking myself for a while. I'd also suggest reading 'Mating in Captivity' all about long term relationships and the contradiction involved. It sounds like you're ready for a shift to me. Good luck!

@dottiedodah

I'm thinking of that alpine cow and I completely understand the longing for next door's meadow ... which has reminded me of how I was when I used to go camping ...I remember we would be settled somewhere totally appropriate and nice but knowing that if we just chose that spot a bit up the way we would be sheltered from the weather better or the view might be nicer or nearer the lake..... I want to look at my spot and see how lovely it is, I do.... I've been so unsettled with it all. But I don't want this to be it. But by that I have to look at changes within the marriage. I have to stay in my meadow , I have to stop looking at the next one and daydreaming my life away. I am youngish. I've got a lot of living to do and not so much to fill it at the moment. I have so much to try, it is daunting but I need to keep the excitement levels high.

I think of the future and I am scared. I have this thought of my grandparents, the only long relationship in my family. They were married over 60 years when my papa died. I just remember my nana doing everything for my papa who never got off the couch. I know that's not my husband or my marriage but it worries me. My nana was just the cook, cleaner, provider. She was so quiet, she was just done with life. I won't be her.

Sorry, I'm a bit depressing today.... Thank you for my alpine cow.... it's cheered me up.

@Cloudyroom

He would be with someone in a year, as he should be. He likes being in a relationship and he's a really good partner to have in life. When I force myself to think of that.... I really don't like it. I feel jealousy. A LOT of jealousy.

He compliments me often, he really does tell me he adores and loves me and there isn't anyone else in the world that comes close to me on a daily basis. If I'm honest I'm starting to feel a little suffocated with it but I know he just wants me to know how he feels. I think lockdown has made him slightly anxious and he's looking for reassurance with me. I need to get myself in a good place so I can genuinely give that to him and hopefully he wont feel the need to compliment me so often....Thank you.

@Oblomov20

Do you? God, you've added the Tibetan hills to my list of fantasies, I'm going to do some reading....

So, actually you are the only female in your household too? I've wondered a little about that as well. My mum's gone now and I'm an only child, at the moment I spend easily 95% of my time with men. I work in a mostly female environment (staff) usually but I've been redeployed and I'm working (part time) with mostly males at the moment ... I miss the company of women. I need more friends, new friends. I need to have some relationships with inspiring woman that I like!. That should be easy shouldn't it? Lol.

I'm going to do some sort of amazing trip next year. That's a definite, I've already got some things I'm thinking about. And I'm going to do ALL of it on my own. The planning, researching, packing, travel info, booking. Everything. I look to my husband too much to do certain things. I've got lazy. Thank you, it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

LoganberryOakley Glad you liked our Alpine cow! I have been married a long time as well and often feel a little bit like her TBH. Often When you have been together quite a while you long for some breathing space .Also interestingly my DGP were married 60 odd years as well! Nan was feisty though and wore the trousers!(unusual back then really!) Although my early memories of her (she looked after me while DM worked) was of her in her overall tackling a days housework! Grandad did painting/gardening .Sometimes I have felt I would like to be alone as well ,and not have to answer to anyone else .My DH is kind ,but I usually have to say "shall we do this or that "and he will agree,do the driving and so on ,but I would like him to take the lead sometimes! Guess we always want something different !Maybe a weekend away either together or on your own with a a GF? Many friends of mine are divorced (some more than once!) and they have some torrid tales to tell! Mostly that a lot of guys dont want to settle down again or even have a monogamous R/L!Thats the rub really when you have a decent guy you feel safe as I do ,but that little voice keeps saying "what about me!"

We might have been twins! My DM is passed too and I was the only child! I do have a lovely cousin who is very kind. I have friends but most work and I am a SAHM you see.Maybe thats the thing , more female company!

@The80sweregreat

I know, for a very long time I used to wonder what they meant by saying that marriage is hard work...NOW I get it lol, it's keeping going when you want to stop and try something else. It's keeping level and steady and not getting your head turned. I believe we will get through this middle life crisis and hopefully be better off for it. I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen that way....

I am happy with him and he meets my needs, we are a good match. If I split up with him and met someone just as amazing as him I would be very happy, it's just trying to keep the spark alive for us. Thank you for your thoughts, they are appreciated very much.

@ValancyRedfern

I'm really sorry to hear that. The little four words "the sex is good" is such a small part of my opening post but it's a big part of my life. We have had times when we went through dry spells. One noticeable one lasted for a few years in our mid 30s ( the dry spell wasn't initiated by me, just lack of libido was a side effect of medication my DH was taking and it resulted in having sex maybe 12 times in 3 years!.). As I have a high sex drive I lay frustrated night after night until I bought a vibrator and gave it to him to use on me. It was all pretty new to me at the time tbh and I still use one practically every day (womaniser), my husband gets me them for my birthday now (lol). I think it's because he knows I could easily have sex three times a day and he wants a break.

I don't know what your situation is, if it's resolvable but I do understand the frustration and I don't think I could live like that without losing a big part of me.

I hope you can really do something to turn it around.

But good for you in getting inspired by the posters on this thread, they have been so amazing. And thank you for your post, it was helpful to me.

@Dozer

My life outside my marriage is..... It is good. My relationship with my son's is pretty good atm, the last five years have been stressful, a lot of decisions have been made, changes in courses and career. I think the late teens/early twenties stage is as much work and stress as the young child stage. I've been doing this balancing act of letting them make their own mistakes while trying to be there in a healthy way. It's been so hard. But it's reached a kind of calmness, the hormones and acne have all but disappeared. They are young men now! I can't believe it. I'm still coming to terms with it really.

My work I don't have really. I have been redeployed to a different area, the people I work with are high risk and there's no indication when the unit will reopen...so I miss that at the moment. Friends have kind of not been great lately, I think everyone is just keeping in their bubble. ... Yes I think there's so much to look at there. A lot of changes.

And thank you, yes , you are correct. I don't think of how others look at me and wonder if they would find me attractive. I used to when I was very young. I would always be thinking how I rated, but not for over 20 years. My husband fancies me still, and that's all that matters.

And yes, I would probably be able to have men sexually interested if I wanted, but I don't want. That's the point. Thank you.

@artisanmarsbar

Well. I read your post last night and you're the reason I was up till three in the morning because it really, really made me think. A lot.

No, he's not vulnerable with me, at all really. It made me quite upset to think of that. He's said things through the years like "I can't really talk to anyone about certain stuff", and I don't know. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough I suppose, and it makes me wonder what I don't know and it makes me feel like I can't be vulnerable either.

And the him planning everything all the time... It can be overwhelming. Like on holidays we have to do stuff every day, can we sometimes not just go with the flow? Can we not just do that in life .. occasionally? It's probably a little bit of a drip feed but I had depression years ago. Not terrible but planning and doing stuff.... I didn't want to do it, I just couldn't. But I had teenage sons and a family life to continue with... . So I asked him to do a bit to keep me in a routine. I meant for a couple of months, he has taken over a lot more since though. It's just the way it is now.

When we met I was this person with a lot of thoughts and ideas and I loved talking and having meaningful conversations , just for the fun of it. He said it was a bit too much so I dialled it down a lot. Not completely and I thought that was normal in a relationship. Especially one that had so much else going for it. I just diverted my thoughts into other parts of my life but those parts have got smaller and now I wonder if anyone really knows me that well.

I don't want to be this self obsessed PITA, my parents would make fun of people who had to "find themselves" but you're right , I should be angry a bit. Why couldn't I just be good enough as I was? Why is wanting to talk about something more interesting and meaningful than our next travel plans not a good thing? He has got more into the conversations about things as we have got older but there's this barrier that's there. He put it there, but I made sure it stayed.

I'm now thinking couples counselling is the only proper way to start this reconnection , that I believe we badly need. I suddenly feel I have got a lot to say to him. And I don't want to just blurt it all it and it turn into something complicated. So I'm going to talk to him about it tonight or tomorrow.

I am going to get mating in captivity, maybe in Kindle tonight if I can. I read a bit about it, it sounds really relevant to me. So thank you for the suggestion. And thank you so much for your post.

And you made me cry, in a good way. Your post really, really hit a nerve with me. In a big way. I still think our relationship is worth doing everything to save. And you've helped with that.

@dottiedodah

I have been on a bit of a journey with this thread. When I first posted I wanted to undo it and every time I saw a new post pop up I thought it was going to be someone telling me to stop being so bloody annoying and appreciate what I have. And I was nervous but it's been really informative and interesting and people, you included, have been so kind.

I thought about it, and say... if someone had an amazing wonderful trip of a lifetime that they had planned and saved for for years... And they were on the holiday but there was something that wasn't right, they felt empty, it wasn't what they expected, it didn't meet their expectations... I wouldn't judge them for asking for advice on making the most of it. I would expect them to. And that's what I'm doing. Nothing more and nothing less. So I feel better for posting.

What's that saying.... there's nothing lonelier than feeling on your own in a room full of people? That's my life just now. I'm lonely when I shouldn't be. I'm bored when I shouldn't be. I'm sad when I shouldn't be. And if I don't sort this it's going to get worse.

It is so frustrating that sometimes you just aren't happy with what you've got isn't it. My husband makes things happen, he pushes things through and I do need that sometimes and I even want it sometimes but over time it becomes ... I don't even need to agree anymore. He just does it now. "What else would we be doing loganberry?" And I want to reply "nothing, nothing, nothing!"

Breathing space is excellent, and part of the way forward. I need to become the me I was and I want to be ( albeit a middle aged version ), space to become independent and also a space to be together with my husband. I'm scared and I'm nervous but I'm also a teeny, tiny bit excited. And that can't be bad. I am going to wake up my passions, if I become annoying in the meantime my husband can tolerate it.

I'm feeling more positive today. I spoke to my husband last night, he says he's been worried about me/us for a while and he was thinking about some sort of counselling for us as well .. I thought he'd be a bit of a harder nut to crack but he's really on board with it. We are both going to look for a counsellor in the next couple of days and book our first appointment.... This is completely new territory for me so I'm very nervous actually. Although I don't think we will get a quick appointment at all.

I haven't talked to him about the trip yet although I'm going to start planning it. One step at a time. I just don't want to say.... I've not been happy and I'm going away! It doesn't send the right message really. Although I don't want to lie by omission either, I always tell him what I'm planning. But it's next year and I'm an adult... He's went away himself loads of times with work and a couple of times with friends....

I feel better when I'm with him. I look at him and am reminded of everything I love.... It's when I'm not with him I have all these feelings.... I don't really understand it. But this is definitely going to take some work to get this ship turned around. The relationship might be great on paper but it's struggling, a lot more than I thought actually. But I'm not going to give up on in for one minute.

Thank you.

Thanks, I felt very very touched (along with surprised) when I read your response.

Your last two posts sound to me really positive. Wow! I'm in my late 40s and stuff comes up and needs to shift I think for majority of us. I'm up for this now, I wasn't, but now I can see the benefits of say - doing the work(be that therapy or otherwise) or sitting with the uncomfortableness in periods of change.
You're doing great!

Hi OP

When I was in my late twenties I ended a very happy relationship because we had been together since I was a teenager and I felt a constant, nagging urge to explore more of life (and other people). I moved out and in with friends, and then my own place, which I had fantasised about with much longing.

I was completely, shockingly miserable. My ex boyfriend soon got a new girlfriend whilst I was treated like utter shit by a succession of men, something I could not navigate at all and was completely blindsided by after years of being in a respectful relationship. I hated living alone, hated cooking for one, hated not hearing the sounds of anyone else go about their day - getting up in the morning, saying goodnight before going to sleep. I was appalled at how cavalierly I had cast aside what had actually been a really nice life. And this was when I was an attractive twenty something with a big group of friends who I went out with multiple times a week.

I don’t regret ending the relationship, I did go on to meet my husband after a couple of years, but I can honestly say that that intervening period did not enhance my overall experience of life or teach me anything, except to make me a bit more jaded and realise how much luckier I had already been than a lot of people.

Of course there will be others who did similar and had a brilliant time, and others who love being single and living alone, but I thought my experience might be interesting for you to hear. My family and friends, who were very fond of my ex boyfriend, were also really upset by our breakup, which made me feel very guilty, and I can’t imagine navigating that after a long marriage involving children.

I wish you lots of luck in moving past this, however that ends up looking.

@artisanmarsbar

I like the way you say "sit with the uncomfortableness in times of change". Because... That's a part of it isn't it,? We are always told "if it doesn't feel right, it isn't right". We are taught that the goal of life is to be "comfortable". But maybe there are times when it's important to remember that it's absolutely not the point. I don't know what the point IS, but I am sure it is not to be comfortable. It's about pushing yourself, physically, emotionally, spiritually? Maybe. I don't know. It's good to think about these things.

I'm going to do the work as well. I have a marriage counsellor booked.... The first appointment is 7 weeks away unfortunately but I went with someone recommended. I've just emailed a couple of counsellors about some personal counselling for me. I think if I could have 5/6 sessions before we start I could , maybe, get some clarity in my head. And it would be good to get a feel for what counselling is like.... Anyway it turns out BOOKING counselling is fairly straightforward! So..... so far so good!

And yes, I feel positive just now. I've been all over the place writing this thread, I reread it and I'm thinking I was relieved then, and crying then, and grateful then , and happy then..... And I only started a few days ago! I haven't been so up since I was a teenager..

I'm glad you're ready to do the work, I really think it will be worthwhile whatever the outcome. It's got to be isn't it? People always say starting is the hard part sometimes. I'm understanding that saying a bit more too.

Thank you and I LOVE your username.

@Crossornot

Well, I'm so happy your story had a happy ending, for a moment there I was fearful it might not. It must have felt extremely bleak to look back at the life you left and realised that it was so much better than the life you chose but it was a brave thing you did. And the experiences you have had... Maybe they were necessary to prepare you for your new life? Maybe you had to see the worst of it all so you could appreciate your husband so much more? I'm aware I sound a bit annoying and crazy but I'm starting to think these things happen for a reason.

I think part of my work on "appreciation" will be to read the dating threads all the way through, and there's got to be books on the disappointment of dating in the modern day? I've got too many Hugh Grant movies in my head. Although to be fair my daydreaming has all but stopped since starting this thread.

I don't know... It's strange, with me and my DH , at the beginning, we both thought it would be a fling, superficially we have little in common. We fancied each other but to be honest , if the sex wasn't amazing, it would have lasted two months tops. And for me, the way I felt about him was a slow burner. I slowly realised his kindness was genuine. When he walked miles in the middle of the night to get me painkillers I realised he was a keeper. But even then I didn't think it would be a decades long relationship... not lifetime stuff.... Both of us say if I didn't accidentally get pregnant at 21 we wouldn't still be together ... But who knows? I think a relationship untethered by children is harder to keep going through everything though. I'm sorry you were so miserable... You paint a bleak picture of it all...I'm so glad you met your husband.

I'm also very envious of your large group of friends, have you kept them still? I realised in my daydreaming, friends were a big part of it. Living alone, having to rely on just me, friends and dating. But not another relationship. That's my daydreams. I can do some of that in my married life. I just need to work it all out. I want to be that person dancing at my fiftieth wedding anniversary. I'm going to try and get there..... But equally whatever happens I think I'm learning more about what I need to do to make me happy, and I think that's the key. Much more than anything else. A PP said I need to just be loganberry . And I really do.

Thank you for your post, I'm going to store it under "the path not chosen", and I wish you luck too , in your marriage, and your life.

I’ve gone back through the whole thread and it’s a pleasure to read such a calm and thoughtful discussion. People have spent a lot of time making constructive suggestions (some of which I’m learning from) and the OP has responded in detail and with thanks.

Crossornot – I was sorry to hear of what you went through. But I think you said what needed to be said, namely that the grass isn’t always greener. In your case you ended up in a better position, having learned from some very painful experiences. But there must be people for whom there wasn’t such a happy ending

LoganberryOakley - A number of things occurred to me

First of all, you are an only child. Children with siblings – even where their relationships are unsatisfactory – get used to negotiating and compromising, and learn that situations can change, often quite rapidly. This is not to say that being an only child is worse, just that it’s different

You are also an introvert. I would define someone as an introvert if they understand the question “Do you live inside your head?” I’m one too, but have observed that more recently (I am in my late 60s), I have become an outgoing, gregarious old geezer who has left his shyness behind. But these are quite separate facets of personality. An introvert can tend to analyse and reflect more, and ruminate. My DW is basically an extrovert and finds my need to look into issues rather irritating – fortunately she doesn’t dwell on that, because she wouldn’t as she’s not that kind of person. But this looking inwards may not be helping you here. I would focus more on your free-spirited, outdoors side. I’ve just spent some time cutting stuff down in the garden (I’m no gardener) and it was surprisingly refreshing

Late on in your posts, you revealed that you have a high libido. I suggest that you need to be aware that while most men might think they would like that in a woman, most men also wouldn’t relish the reality at all – a case of “be careful what you wish for” to quote you earlier. They might like this initially, but you would experience some pretty unpleasant reactions. Some would punish you by withholding sex. Others would try to control you, possibly suggesting sex sessions with other men where they could act as voyeurs. Some would be jealous, and force you to wear drab clothes or stay at home to eliminate male attention. Or call you names. Many men can find the reality frightening and threatening

And even where they liked the idea, most men would be unable to keep up. My own sex life with my DW is wonderful. Plain vanilla, but fast-paced. I have the higher libido, but the reality is 8 times a month, 10 times maximum. I believe that – with a decent partner – most (but not all) women are capable of far more orgasms than men. This certainly applies to my DW compared to me

And yet you have a DH who buys you a vibrator – lucky you! I’d suggest though that you could try to involve him more, if you don’t do that already, in getting you to where you want to go – and in a variety of different ways

I reckon you are both very lucky. I’m beginning to suspect that you are just thinking too much. Don’t lose what you have, it’s too valuable. Go for less thinking, more action. Now if I could only do that myself …

I've not read the whole thread, so forgive me if someone has already mentioned this, but maybe your hormones are going out of whack due to peri menopause. I had a terrible time at around your age. My libido went through the roof and I stopped being prepared to put up with bullshit of any kind from anyone. Now, my marriage was not as good as yours sounds and we needed a full and frank discussion, but I was totally ready to chuck it all away and it would have been madness.

I'm the OP.. I lost my username as I thought the thread was ended and I didn't want to keep boring everyone with my updates, and I was reading another thread that was found by their spouse and had to be deleted and I thought.... Better safe than sorry.... anyway. This might be the overthinking. Anyway... I'm back. And as long as LoganberryOakley (the first) doesn't turn up and tell me off then I'm sure it will be fine. It would be so interesting if she did....

Remember the twilight zone? I kind of wish they would bring that back but it probably wouldn't work now.

@AnotherOldGeezer

I am a lot less self conscious than I used to be. I was the typical blusher, very shy in a lot of instances. I'm not sure why I changed really... maybe when my parents died and there's no one left to embarrass? Or more like they died and I realised life is short? It's a factor definitely. I also have been seriously ill at one point and that really makes you change your viewpoint. I am often appreciative just of my health. See. That's my problem. I didn't appreciate my health when I always had it, but losing it, albeit temporarily, made me much more thankful of just being able to live my life without the encumbrances of poor health.

Anyway.... I do live inside my head. I have to shake my head and refocus myself regularly. I used to sometimes miss the stop on the train because I was daydreaming, I can't read anywhere else because I could lose an hour. My husband has the patience of a Saint. For years he used to worry about me crossing the road.... I was like " I can cross the bloody road by myself!", he's like "but I watch you sometimes, you are MILES away". And he's right. Most people would lose patience. I'm good when I have to be but I have to STAY focused. It's like part time work doesn't work for me, I need to be in there all the time, it keeps me alert. Part time work leaves me too much time in my head. Lockdown has made me live in there. It's really not good.

My husband is an introvert as well, although he likes going out more than me, he's always planning stuff. He loves being out. Always doing something. It drives me a bit crazy. Do you know he's been planning retirement since we were 21? Started paying into pensions through his work and then a personal.one for me, followed by a work one later on. All through pregnancies and penny pinching he's like.. . No, our pension is important . He's working on hobbies NOW so he doesn't get bored when he retired! Golf, and carpentry and so much more.

He is a lot less shy than he used to be though, when we met I would phone places for him or deal with things like his first car insurance. We really have grown up together a lot.

I laughed when you kind of said your wife being extroverted meant she was both annoyed by your tendency to overthink and also not too bothered because she didn't think too much about it! You seem to find the positives in everything.

I loved your message, I read it a couple of hours ago, just after dinner. I sat down with my husband and asked him about some of the points you brought up about my high libido. It's funny, when we were newly together, our sex life (like many people) was through the roof but he used to say "if I can barely keep up with you when I'm at my sexual peak, how the hell am I going to keep up with you when you're at yours". So I asked him if it was a problem for him , which he assures me it isn't. He said he's always liked it that I'm always wanting sex. I don't 100% believe him, but he's kind to a fault!

We have sex every day pretty much. Sometimes more. It's 95% vanilla, which is good (since lockdown 100% vanilla) , same few positions. It's good. I like it.

But I started getting a little bored a couple of years ago ( maybe the start of THIS?) So I started introducing a bit less vanilla which scared my husband to death at first, but he's got into it. He's actually just booked a weekend away for us next week because our DSs are home all the time .... and he's warned me it's NOT going to be vanilla.
So I can't wait for that. Long overdue.

You are right though. I think there are times when he would like to take a break, you never know though I could hit menopause and my sex drive disappears, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can while I can. And if I have sex ten times a month in my sixties , I'm going to come back and update this thread with ... I DEFINITELY married the right man.

We are lucky in this and many other regards. I am starting to overthink and wonder what will happen if I lose my husband ( probably why I deleted the username), he has access to all my passwords to everything. He could log on this account any day of the week. He doesn't though and I trust him. But I had a thought and a momentary panic.

The things you say about how some men treat women with a high sex drive is quite unsettling .... It all seems extremely misogynistic and toxic and downright bleak. I read it a few times.... I am disturbed that that actually happens to some women and potentially for the reason of having a healthy libido (although any reason is not acceptable). I don't like it at all. I'm spoilt I think. I think it's a case of I have got everything I need, everything that does complement me. Even the negative things. I just need to learn to appreciate it.

I had a thought today, I'm looking into volunteering with citizens advice centre. I'm not sure but I passed one today and I'm going to see if that goes anywhere.

Got my personal counselling all sorted, starting in two weeks. I know I might be bring indulgent but I really think it's going to help. Marriage counselling, five weeks afterwards....

Thank you do much for your post. I appreciate it. And I just talked about myself forever so apologies!!!