I have a good marriage. So why do I want to leave?

[LoganberryOakley]

Name change for this thread. I always change it for a new thread.

I know these threads might come across as annoying and I'm warning you it's not an exciting thread. I really think I'm beginning to jeopardise my future in my marriage. And I think I would be ruining the best thing I have ever had.

It's me, my husband and two DSs (early 20s), both sons at home at the moment, but one is away term time. I am 44 and have been with my husband since we met at 18, 26 years together. We went to school together so I've known him since I was 5 (although we were never friends at school)

It's a good marriage, we have things in common and he's always planning things for us to do, holidays, day trips and outings. He books things to my taste, he listens to me and buys relevant gifts/ experiences. He likes spending time with me but also gives me space to do my own thing.

He's honest and kind and the sex is good, he earns three times what I do but it's all shared (I work in social care so very low salary). He thinks me being happy is a priority and important. He's a really good dad. He's with the DSs just now.

I've never known anything else.... And I keep thinking I want something else, it's always going through my mind. I'm going a bit crazy with it. This predates lockdown and those stresses. I don't even know if I want someone else. A lot of the time I think of living alone. I don't know why.

I think I'm being childish and I need a bit of a talking to. Neither of us has cheated (I believe my husband hasn't and I know I haven't).

I'm mid forties, getting a bit frumpy (trying my hardest to halt it but it's happening anyway), he thinks I'm lovely. I'm not going to get someone else who thinks I am attractive like he does.

Please tell me to stop being ungrateful and get on with it. Honestly , I'm so disappointed with myself. Is this a midlife thing?

Oh and he looks good and keeps fit. Does above his share of housework. Takes care of me when I'm sick. ....

I'm writing this and I just sound annoying.

Only flaw I can think if is he drinks a little bit too much. But even that isn't a problem really.

I am the disappointment in our relationship.

@MikeUniformMike

I know, I need to get rid of an image of being single as a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Bridget Jones. I really am quite sensible in most other parts of my life.

I've never had a break up either! Not a heartbreaking one! I know I sound ridiculous but I'm like clueless with this stuff. I've had other heartbreaking things happen but not romantically. I hear songs like "the first cut is the deepest" and ideas that we all have the heartbreak of our first love ending.... I'm still with my first love and it's still a really good relationship. I need to realise that's a good thing. And my life has came with its own unique set of experiences.

I'm definitely going to pursue the artists retreat holiday, I've already started googling (either that or a yoga retreat and I don't think I'm into that lol).

I'm going really start living my life more, take all the suggestions on board. The last time I got really dressed up my husband didn't recognise me lol, all smoky eyes and black dress. I'm not too old to make an effort. I feel like going and getting new cosmetics and things. I have so many ideas.

@Dennysheart

Becoming more independent in the relationship is the key I think. When we were younger it was just busyness and work and housework and all free time was family time. I wouldn't change it but I definitely lost myself a bit. I remember not doing things because I knew I would want to focus on it too much and I didn't want to take that away from my family. I used to paint a lot but I could easily lose whole days to it without a thought and I didn't want to compromise.... But I don't have young kids and I need to focus on me now. Because my relationship will suffer if I don't. Thank you.

@Girlwhowearsglasses

I was thinking we could both benefit from our separate adventures, but actually it's just me that's holding back ... I like the idea of that. My life should be bigger than what it is just now. I'm scared a bit but the alternative is tediousness and I'm not liking me very much at all.

@tarasmalatarocks

I'm sorry to hear that, does he always need company? Can it be just for a couple of days? Do you go on holidays/trips together?

I think if I said I was going to Ibiza I'd get a raised eyebrow but something like the artists retreat he's encouraged. He knows I like doing stuff by myself sometimes... I've been known to spend the afternoon in the cinema on my own and I have went to a show in my own when we were on holiday and he stayed with the kids.... I don't really feel self conscious on my own and I love reading and people watching..... So maybe you can do something like that on a smaller scale? For the day? If he understands that you like doing things alone it might build up to a trip?

Thank you.

OP, I’m not in the same stage of life as you but I think I have a mother who perhaps went through something similar in her 40s (although my parents were already separated by then).

She was married and had me by 22, so in her early 40s, her children were adults, or almost, and I think she just felt a bit listless about what was next. Perhaps, about who she was now that she didn’t have dependent children. I think she also looked back and regretted settling down so young. I don’t think she ever regretted us just that she had experienced the freedoms in her 20s that I and my sibling have. I got to be thoroughly selfish in my 20s, to party and travel and worry only about me and forging my career. I think partly she felt sad that she had missed out on that.

So, in her 40s, mum quit her job and went to university - she hadn’t been allowed to go by her parents when she was 18. And I think it recalibrated her. Gave her something that was hers and it gave her a new lease.

You sound restless OP but that might not mean leaving your marriage is the answer. Perhaps you just need to explore doing something that brings you passion. Whether that be study, travel and new hobby etc. Something that’s yours.

And my life has came with its own unique set of experiences.

This is so true OP. Our own lives seem boring because we know them inside out. But objectively they aren't more or less boring than any other life, just different.

I really like this by writer Cheryl Strayed about life decisions and regrets.
I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.

@LoganberryOakley, being single is nothing like Bridget Jones and Carrie Bradshaw. There's No Big or Mr Darcy.

Are you sure you didn't mean Samantha Jones

OLD sounds fun, but in reality it's a PITA. There are the gropers that poke their tongue into your mouth during an unwanted kiss on a first date. There are players and married men. There's Mr Shit Sex, who's experience of sex was probably on-line only. There's the men with a checklist, often never married and have a job vacancy for a housekeeper and childbearer, and frankly at 44, you'll need to lie about your age or a housekeeper/nursemaid. There are perverts who think that choking you during sex or letting their fingers stray to places you don't want fingers is acceptable...
and they all think they are irresistible.

If you want the fridge full of nail polish and prosecco, order a mini-fridge and do it, but your DH sounds a keeper. If you walk out, you will find that other women will be knocking at his door immediately.

@shartsi

You're so right about the butterfly feeling fading and I would ( most likely) be left with someone who isn't half as good as my husband. Yes. I really am starting to feel a change in me about this. I'm determined not to let my flight of fancy for something different change my life. My husband adores me , and I do him actually. I have to start seeing him like strangers see him as well, stop focusing on the familiar and realise I don't maybe know everything about him. We need to get out there and do stuff together and separately.

@Bluemoooon

I do really love my job but it comes with its difficulties and doesn't really stretch me mentally ( although it can be stressful in other ways). I don't want to quit it but maybe I can think of going part time in some capacity and doing something else.... I have a lot to consider. I've never focused on my career and maybe that is where I'm going wrong a bit?

@Tiny2018

I quoted something to a friend a few months ago.... "Comparison is the thief of joy". I'm pretty good at not comparing anything else, I just realised that's what I've been doing with this. I'm sitting comparing my life to a fictional single woman who doesn't even exist!. And I should still be thinking my life is better!

@Reearry

We have friends together and friends separately, although I don't see my friends so much....my husband goes out at least twice a month on his own... I'm probably once every 5/6 weeks.... It's something I need to work on although I don't know how to turn that around.

Have you went on holiday on your own? I'm definitely nervous about the idea, I suppose I've always been standing with someone at the airport, travel, all that stuff .... It's going to be scary on my own. The actual holiday.....eating, sleeping, spending time on my own sounds good. Especially on some sort of organised trip. I'm going to do this.

I rather like the idea of my life having been made richer by having experiences, however unpleasant they might have been.

It would do you good to do something for you. It is any more scary to go on holiday on your own than it is to go the cinema, just more exciting.

@bumblingbovine49

Thank you so much for this, I love this way of looking at it. I hit the jackpot when I was 18 and because of that I've never truly appreciated it, well I'm going to really try to now.

I've read articles of lottery winners who win a lot of money when they're young and they are often the same. It's difficult to appreciate what you've got when you've always had it. (Through adulthood anyway). And I also love your analysis that I'm looking deeper because I'm in the position where I can because I already have my relationship needs met. It's given me a while new perspective and I am taking it on.

I think (hope) the dating scene is something I might only ever see on forums, or books and movies. It looks shiny from the outside but it's starting to sound empty from the inside. I'm sorry you're experience of it wasn't good. Thank you!

@LocalHobo

I think I have had a very typical marriage and family life, I haven't looked much outside the home (my choice to do this, although I think I made a mistake), my husband works and gives us the lion's share of his time and energy. It's the type of life that I thought was ideal but it really doesn't leave much space for personal growth. My husband travels a few times a year with his work , maybe five days at a time.... Years ago when he travelled I would practically jump on him when he came through the door ( well I actually did used to) but now it's like everything... It's just normal.

That's an amazing idea from your friend about the house mistress in Switzerland! What a way to look outside the box! I really need to think of something inspiring like this. Two years is too long but maybe volunteering for a few weeks somewhere across the world.... Something anyway.... I'm getting ideas. Thank you.

@Estrellente

I read a thread months ago and it started with something like "tell me of your experiences in your happy marriage" and one of the first responses was to say that a thread like that wasn't being considerate of the difficulties a lot of people face on the board.... And I thought at the time that I wasn't going to post about my relationship because next to some posters it was not a problem at all.... I nearly didn't post at all because of this.

But then I thought it's a relationship board and this is a relationship problem so I thought I would risk it and I'm so glad I did because everyone has been kind. I hope your relationship benefits too from everyone's great advice x

@Lemonsaretheonlyfruit

I'm sorry that your relationship ended, particularly as it wasn't your choice and I'm sorry online dating isnt going well for you, I am getting a reality dose with this thread. I think even in my head I'm thinking of "me" ten years ago... I'm alright looking but I'm not attractive, nobody gives me second looks anymore. Not that I noticed if they ever did, I've only ever been interested in my husband. I don't even have crushes on celebrities! I think physically my husband is perfect (objectively he's not but I like the way he looks).

My problem is independence, and lack of it. It's... Not having a passion because I made my family the centre of everything. I got a touch of interest when you said you're successful in life, I've always thought I was as well, just in a different way but maybe it's time to try a bit harder in my career. I'm not stupid, I can do something.... I need to think about it. Thank you and I hope things get easier on the dating scene.

@The80sweregreat

I know, I really wouldn't cheat on my husband and I am as sure as I can be that he wouldn't either, I don't fancy anybody, I'm daydreaming about people and situations that don't exist. I'm like a daft teenager who is so bored that she's creating a new life in her head and it's taken over! I need to halt it. I think CBT might be helpful with this.... The peri-menopause thing is probably an issue or will be soon so I will look into that as well.....I don't want to drift into crushes or emotional affair territory. I don't think I would but I didn't think I'd be posting this either. So thank you, that's a world of messiness that would divert me from doing some really interesting things.....

@LoganberryOakley

You said a few posts up “ (Just that I'm a terrible wife and I need to start being better)” but can I just say that you are totally way off base with this, think about it for a minute you’ve recognised how your feeling and your seeking advice. Additionally you recognise the good things in your marriage and your husband. The problem is you just have predetermined expectations of what will be said and perhaps nothing with change if you mention it to him.

You still sound very committed and let me say that a lot of us wish our partners had shown the same foresight to recognise the issues in our marriage and to seek advice and work on those issues.

OP please immediately disabuse yourself of the idea that dating strangers is 'fun'.
Please instead date your lovely-sounding, considerate-sounding, good-sex-having, good-looking, fit, good dad DH.

Living alone, living in houseshares, dating etc all may seem like things you've missed out on - but the reality of each of these certainly isn't always as great as you may imagine. There are great ideas from PP that might help you feel better about your current amazing sounding situation. Good luck OP.

I'm taking my time with this thread and replying to each post individually because each post is actually quite unique and adds something different. It's really amazing actually. So, I'm not trying to make the thread live on forever but I'm going to squeeze every drop of advice out if it because this is really, really good information for me. I'm so glad I posted. So thank you everyone.

LTB.

I'll look after him.

You have dated a really long time OP. There’s pros and cons to this. You haven’t had to be messed around by different guys and all the rest of the crap and disappointment that comes along with endless dating. However you have missed out on experiences and making mistakes with people who it may not of worked out with.
It could be that you are bored and you feel like the grass may be greener it’s not usually though. Maybe try speaking with a therapist?

You got married far too young and your life now is the only life you've known as an adult. So no wonder you want a change. But your options like a lot of people's are restricted. Maybe you should try counselling to see if you can find out why you're not satisfied and what it is you really want.

@Dery

I totally take him for granted, I need to miss him more and get into situations where I see him from a different perspective .... He is really quietly spoken at home and quite gentle but I think he's seen as a bit of a leader with others. I've seen it before, when things go wrong people go to him and think he can fix it. I can understand why, he's very solid and dependable. I need to see this more I think because I really do like it....

I suppose most people get their fun and responsibility free time in their 20s/early 30s. I, on the other hand, did kids and mortgage and marriage and pension and now I get to do "me", I can't complain. It's not a terrible trade really. I just need to decide how to go about it.

I'm seeing it as a bit if a project really.

@Claphands

Thank you. The answer is really not outside my marriage.... The more I'm thinking this over in my head the more I realise it's not only true but I was ridiculous to be thinking like that when I haven't even yet put the effort in to help my marriage... I haven't put ANY extra effort in. I just started daydreaming and deflecting outside of my marriage, outside of my whole family life actually. How easy it is to do that?..and I think of myself as a person who does the right thing.....

The artists retreat sounds heavenly doesn't it. I have this vision of me in a kaftan painting some beautiful valley.... I'm still daydreaming but it's good daydreaming now! Lol

@Bluemoooon

I'm definitely going to try! That's an inspiring post and you're so right, I have spent a lot of time sitting on a couch bemoaning my actually lovely set of circumstances. The freedoms I have in my relationship are extensive. My husband would support me in anything I wanted to pursue (bar maybe the dating apps and the flat to myself lol).

When the kids were young I used to see volunteering opportunities that I couldn't do, hobbies that weren't practical or experiences that I couldn't afford. Now I'm in the position to follow these through I have the imagination and vision of a dead goldfish!. But I'm starting to search for so many ideas and things to plan over the next few years and I'm starting to feel excited.

It's funny you mention the singing ,I really can't sing well but I try. I sang in a karaoke once and people actually left! My husband is adamant it's because of something else but I know what I know. I still sing though . Just not in a karaoke .

And I absolutely love your zest for life, it comes through so well in your post.

@Butternutter01

Thank you, that's exactly what I asked for in my OP, you are completely and utterly correct. In my mind the single life has its benefits and its plus points but it's also kind of sad and depressing but that has its own depth and life experience....

I know! It's a bit like when I was at art college and I thought famous artists living in garrets and selling everything they own to afford paint was romantic. I'm an idiot. And naive.

I'm thinking maybe what I want is to feel more than what I am. My life is consistent and easy and there's no highs or lows, which is important when you're bringing up a family but I'm feeling flat and bored and yes, I have to look at myself to fix this.

I want highs and lows INSIDE my really good marriage. Not outside of it. And in positive ways, by challenging myself in work and in hobbies.

Thank you for that.

@MikeUniformMike

Well you are missing out because in MY fictional single life my fridge is busting with nail varnish and alcohol and all inedible things and friends come up and sigh at me for being so irresponsible while I order Chinese takeaway in cute little boxes.... (Not really, I'm on a constant diet because of the dating). Yup. I'm crazy. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

@Hopoindown31

Wow! That must have been shocking for your friend, especially as she was trying to avoid that exact outcome. I have been thinking about this and I think I'm just going to talk about making changes based on the fact our DSs are now independent... We don't have to consider them when making decisions, they can cook for themselves, take care of themselves. In fact us leaving them to it a lot more could be good for when the do both totally move out.

Also I think my husband is on the page in front of me, he's been trying to get me to do more for our relationship, I've been holding back and I've been the problem with committing to working on our marriage. I'm starting to wonder if he's going through something similar.

Either way I will keep your advice in mind and I'm sorry about your friend, thank you.

Imagine you leave him. Fast forward a year and he’s with another woman, going on nice days out and generally being a loving, caring man to her.

How would you feel?

OP, buy that kaftan! You dont need to have earned a good marriage in the way you think you do, you've kept it good all these years and now is the time to enjoy it in a more carefree way.

I am probably three-quarters through my wonderful marriage. Because of lockdown, I discovered some diaries I kept for a short time plus letters I received, even some I sent. I haven’t been through them all yet

It has produced a slight feeling of disquiet to be reminded of past relationships via the letters. But fortunately the diaries reminded me how extremely unhappy I was before I met my DW. I did know this already though

I have heard Marriage described as a package. You have good aspects and not so good, but you have to decide what it is like overall. Perhaps you can change some aspects. We have lovely children and grandchildren. And our sex life is great. But I - the more introverted one - would like to meet new people and do different things. If you met us you’d think it would be the other way round. I am one of life’s observers - another dead goldfish perhaps!

I’m not a big film fan but one theme I love is where someone returns to relive their past to correct their mistakes. Although I know that things might well not turn out better

The best thing about lockdown for me has been a wonderful group I belong to who arranged Zoom meetings but recently numbers have fallen. I suggested making changes and realised with horror that the frequency might be reduced. Fortunately they didn’t follow what now looks to me like an act of self-destruction - please resist that

I think you are remarkable. Loads of people who post a problem don’t even bother replying. You have given very detailed and thoughtful responses. I wonder whether voluntary work might play to your strengths

Sounds to me like you have a recipe for a wonderful marriage. Perhaps you need to try a few tweaks to make it even better. And there are so many good ideas here. By all means daydream about the world out there but remember that the reality would not be anything like as good. I never acted or was able to act on my impulses over the years and am so pleased I never did. I would reiterate that the grass is always greener

Good luck!

I think everyone in a long marriage reaches a sort of Crossroads somewhere along the line .The road already taken can be a bit trampled underfoot and seems a little bit boring .However the road ahead unwalked can and often is terrifying!You are still fairly young and want to rediscover yourself .There is a fable about an Alpine Cow who is loved by her owners ,she is taken out each day to their meadow ,and eats as much grass as she can.However next doors meadow looks so temptingly lush ! She cant resist a nibble and once there keeps going back for more even though its no different! We all crave something we think looks better!

The dating thread should put you off the idea once and for all. Try and find some interests that will stop the boredom. Picture your DH with someone else in a year because that’s what will happen. He sounds a good one and will be snapped up.

@LoganberryOakley

It's so crazy that we think that way isn't it. We have everything that most people who are searching for a relationship want and we can't seem to appreciate it. I'm taking the long view, this thread has made me look at my husband anew but I feel that might be temporary. I need to be proactive straight off the bat. I'm going to talk to him (very gently) about some changes I want to make and I'm going to book counselling for me, maybe CBT, maybe both. My marriage has got to be worth the effort.

I'm definitely looking to book a solo holiday next near and I've got so many other ideas about self improvement/classes, stuff to do myself.... And I've started of things to do together. I don't want to start like a firework and burn myself out though...

I love the idea that we hit the jackpot early. It's such a good way of looking at it, I hope this thread has helped you too. Have you been thinking of taking in some suggestions?

@Scubalubs87

You sound like an amazing daughter actually, very understanding of your mum, I hope my son's turn out to be half as thoughtful ( I see little hints that they are),

I have avoided any form of passion outside of my family life, I don't take on things that take me into another world. I'm a dreamer, when I do anything, paint, read, walk in a beautiful place, listen to certain types of music...., I totally lose focus on who I'm with. I'm sure it can be annoying but I can't change it. It's actually one of the things I'm going to talk to my husband about....that I'm going to start pursuing these things and I will get absorbed into it at times , and ask him not to take it personally. I want to be excited and learning is much more excitement than anything else isn't it?

Your mum sounds inspirational, I love hearing stories like that. I'm definitely going to start pushing myself academically in some ways and see what's out there for me. Thank you.

I will catch up tonight. I'm taking my husband down to the coast for a wander round the shops and a nice meal.... No Sunday dinner today!

I lived alone till mid 20's, prior to Dh. All I ever wanted was a serious relationship.

My husband is a diamond. Ds's now late teens. All I dream of is running away and living on my own.

In the middle of the Tibetan hills, under a duvet. For at least a year.

I think your'll fund this is quite normal very common.

Make some new friends. Book long weekends to .... Berlin, Barcelona, Bruges .... wherever.

Or do something else, just for you.