Struggling with break up , want to make it work

[lookingatthepast]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3898601-Think-it-s-over-Messages-escorts-open-condom-Please-help

Link to previous thread. It is over. He still says he is unsure about whether the relationship is right for him. Children is the main issue and he could stay in a relationship which isn’t right for him and regret it when he’s older. Interspersed with telling me he’s sorry for everything he knows it hurts now but he thinks this is best for us both in the long run and I will meet someone else.

I am absolutely devestated. I cry most days. I have terrible anxiety waking up with a knot in my stomach feeling sick. I keep going over and over everything and I am now grieving the fact I am infertile and can’t have anymore children. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I have children but it’s opened a huge wound that I am still so young and can never have another baby and it’s brought home the fact it may be a huge barrier to me meeting someone else. I loved him and he says he still loves me and cares about me and the children perhaps time and space apart is best but right now this is how he feels and he doesn’t think he will ever change his mind. I miss him so much. I am crying for the future we had talked about a house together and getting married. I am finding it hard to cope and I will be honest I have seriously thought about ending it as it’s the last thing in a huge string of things in my life. Everyone said how happy we seemed together. I just miss him terribly

I have seriously wondered whether freezing my eggs and discussing surrogacy would be a solution

Anyone it’s 1.45am I feel sick can’t sleep and feel so unhappy

Are you still up OP. I am if you are xx @lookingatthepast

Oh dear, I've had a quick read of your opening post on the other thread. It doesn't sound good.

At best he is very immature drug user (who helps his mate deal) who can't admit the truth of the situation, at worst, he's an absolute loser who is a drug addict and cheating on you with women from brothels and probably from women he meets when coked up and lies about everything through his teeth.

This man is not good for you. He hasn't been good for you for a very, very long time.

He sure as HELL is not good for your DC. He would make an AWFUL father, so thank goodness you can't have kids with you.

Please, please, please just block him. Stop talking to him. Stop texting him. Stop having ANYTHING to do with him.

Rip the bandaid off, it will hurt a lot but it is better than this never ending saga you are putting yourself through.

I guess it’s the pain of not having him in my life . He can be a lovely guy has never been abusive to me physically. I will admit our sex life was very much him laying back and the only way he could come was with a hand job which he would often have to finish himself. Pretty much every time . Maybe if that sheds some light on things .

I don’t get why he’s become so wrapped around wanting to have his own kids as all his friends are . Also wanting to eventually sell his house and move to the same area a lot of them are all buying in which is about 40 miles away from where I live. He knows I wouldn’t move out that far because of my work and my children’s school and he says it’s unfair to ask or expect me to which is another reason why he doesn’t think it will work long term as he says he will be unhappy moving to the area I live (15 miles from where he lives now and 45 mins by car approx )

He says he’s stopped helping has mate deal here and there as there’s always more temptation to do it himself after a couple of drinks if it’s in the house. I think he does pre plan use in advance though. Eg if he has a weekend off work and wouldn’t have been with me or had a night out planned with friends it would be planned in advance so wasn’t a spur of the moment thing. He said he wasn’t ready to give it up completely as he enjoys doing it but would try and cut down but couldn’t make any promises. He had about 9 sessions of counselling which I think he in the main talked about family issues but I think the drugs were touched upon
I suggested cocaine anon and he said he didn’t think he was addicted or had a problem with it so didn’t think he needed to go but would think about it.

He’s been renting his house out and living back with his parents and his tenants will be leaving my the end of the year. He’s excitedly talking about when he moves back , that he wants to go furniture shopping and whether to have a New Years party there or not . It is like a stab in the guts each time. I smile and put on a front but it absolutely hurts like hell. He’s planning his life which only sees me as a friend and I am devestated.

Ok so I block and cut contact. Then what. How do I pick up the pieces and heal . How do I get out of this dark place I am in. He keeps telling me to keep my chin up and there’s always light at the end of the tunnel but he literally doesn’t understand how I feel and what this has done to me at all. He just says he’s sorry for hurting me and he feels bad for me and the children for what he’s done but he needs to be selfish and think of what he wants now

I don’t get why he’s become so wrapped around wanting to have his own kids as all his friends are .

Really? You can't imagine changing your mind when you hit 30 and deciding that actually you do want kids?

Sorry, but I really can't see what is confusing about all this. He has made it clear that the relationship is not going to work. He doesn't want to live where you live, he wants kids and you can't have them, he drug user, he deals drugs (arranging sales is the same as deals, and you know that), he's shit at sex (whether due to using prostitutes or drugs, who knows and quite frankly who cares). He really has NO respect for women generally, and that WILL affect the way he treats you, if not now, then at some point.

Come on lookingatthepast, where is your sense of self worth? You deserve better than this. Your DC REALLY deserve better than this.

This is not someone who can be supportive of you, this is not someone who can be your PARTNER. This is DEFINITELY not someone who should be a step dad to your DC.

Sweetheart. His excuses for the relationship ending dont matter.

He is a drug user and a waster. You cant have him around you or your kids.

You know that dont you?

If you really don't realise that, then you need to know, he doesn't want to be with you. You can't convince him. Can you see that? He's gone.

The pain you're feeling will pass, I promise you. Just because you feel pain, doesn't mean you should be wanting him back. Heroin addicts feel pain when they stop using heroin... that doesn't mean the heroin wasn't killing them.

Ok so I block and cut contact. Then what. How do I pick up the pieces and heal . How do I get out of this dark place I am in. bless you OP. You just have to wait. Time heals. That's really all there is to it, as horrible as that sounds.

If you wait, and stay away from him, you will heal. You just will.

Do you have friends or family to lean on?

I'll be honest and say if the top of qualities you think to list about a partner is, 'he's never been physically abusive to me'. Then in your heart you know he's actually really a shit head with nothing good going in his favour. A good partner doesn't spend his time getting monged on coke and looking for sex workers (your other post). He's a waste of fucking space, and you're wasting your time running after someone who clearly doesn't give a hoot for anyone beside himself. Focus on yourself and your children instead of someone whose not even worth the headspace.

You’re heartbroken. This is what heartbreak feels like, it really sucks. But believe that most people experience heartache & loss - the only thing that fixes it is time, soul searching, keeping yourself busy, being kind to yourself & learning to enjoy your own company & find peace with Your life + choices.

It sounds like you are “stuck” because you haven’t yet accepted the relationship is over. You’re still thinking of ideas in order to save this relationship, but it’s like flogging a dead horse - it’s over & he has told you this specifically.

You are grieving for the idealised life you had envisioned in your mind, but that is a fantasy, it bears no resemblence to the actual relationship you had.

As a single parent it is unwise to have your children around people who deal drugs. You need to put your children first & realise your heartbreak does not trump their needs & they need you to be strong & let this loser go.

You sound like you’re struggling, the first thing is it accept it is over & to block him/go no contact so you can begin the healing process. Speaking to him & wanting answers, or him to say some magical words to heal you is unrealistic - you can’t look for healing from the one who has hurt you.

It’s sad when relationships end, what you are feeling is normal - usually the first time you experience heartbreak is a shock, because you realise just how bad people feel when heartbroken & wonder how people survive! But we do. And you will too. It’s hard to visualise when you’re in the thick of it - give yourself permission to not feel OK. It’s normal to be sad. It’s not normal to want to end your life & leave your children motherless because it didn’t work out with one guy who doesn’t even sound like a catch anyway.

I am trying to focus on me. Even little things like having a bath , washed my hair yesterday . Actually got dressed. I don’t have that many friends . My oldest friend isn’t very supportive generally about anything (long history of her being like this despite me being there for her through a lot of stuff ) seems a theme in my life. Me excusing peoples shitty behaviour but being there for them when they need it. My family are a lot older than me (siblings) and busy working and their own families. I have tried telling them just how low I feel but I don’t think they fully get it. It’s a case of you’ll be ok your strong. Take care and catch up soon scenario. I am trying to sort out going back to my counsellor who I have been seeing on and off since May 2018 when my marriage broke up (he was abusive an alcoholic uaed coke and I ended it with him ) I didn’t feel half as upset depressed and hopeless then as I do now and we were together 16 years . Maybe because it was my decision I don’t know.

Where I wasn’t well my ex came over and made me something to eat a few days ago and watched a bit of tv and chatted with me for a couple of hours then headed home. There was absolutely no physical contact or blurring of the lines although I did ask for a hug before he left . I started to get upset and he just said come on don’t cry it will be ok just concentrate on your health . I think he does care . And yes I do understand in his early 30s why he would change his mind on kids. However I have talked in the past and tried to explain there’s more to being a dad than ejeculating and making someone pregnant . Even my eldest son who’s 14 says he does more for all of us than their own dad
He makes time for us , takes them out independent of me being with them at time’s if it’s something particular they have fancied doing. My son will message and FaceTime him sometimes . They all ask about him and look forward to seeing him and him being here. They had all often talked about us getting married etc. This will really upset them too . I feel I have failed everyone. I wish there was some way of making this right

I know it’s not normal to want to give my life up over this which is why I am hanging on and holding on as it would absolutely ruin my children’s lives if I died. I know that. I remind myself of it every day sometimes several time’s a day. When he was here with us he said he was happy he didn’t drink in the house there were ceryajnly no drugs here I don’t take them and am anti drugs. It’s when he went home it’s like he had two sides to him. He just keeps saying he tried really hard but is worried he will regret not having his own kids one day. He says he doesn’t want to give me mixed signals. But he did say this is how I feel right now and I think it’s best for me maybe I am always destined to be on my own as I am too damaged etc but who knows what the future holds and maybe we just need some time apart . Maybe he will have that time on his own using getting wasted going back to his empty house loads of empty one night stands to make him realise what he had with me

yes sometimes people break up & after being single realise what they were missing. But it sounds like he does intend to move on.

I will say, especially for someone grieving the end of their reproductive journey it is a more than a little arrogant to think you can just “explain” to someone parenthood isn’t just having a biological child. I am childfree & can respect that for most people the desire to have a biological child is very real. You can’t just expect someone to not feel those desires just because you have explained away their feelings & minimised them.

It sounds like you were desperate to fit this square peg into a round hole & make him want to take on your children as a step parent & be happy with that.

He seemingly had a separate life which did involve drugs away from you - so it is unrealistic to expect you could have moved in & this would not have become an issue at some point. His values don’t align with yours.

I wouldn’t invest too much time into hoping he will “see the error of his ways” and realise what he had with you - he knows what he had & decided it was not for him anymore. It’s wise to respect people’s decisions when they break up & not try to undermine them by believing you know them better than they know themselves.

I’m not sure why he is coming around to console you - this needs to stop, you are addicted to him like a drug & you need to get him out of your system.

Keeping a journal is good for getting your thoughts out & baths are just the best aren’t they! Closest I get to meditation, so you’re onto a winner there. When the world feels too much a nice soak can be so comforting.

People generally aren’t there when you have a breakup, because nobody can actually say anything to make you feel better. It really is self healing & time. People do generally get a bit put out when someone who is heartbroken is laying all their grief onto them, or dominating a conversation about their heartbreak. It is helpful to put into perspective that most of us at some stage do carry around a grief.

I don’t have many friends either & for me if I am sad don’t like to burden people with that, I prefer my friends & family to be themselves & take my mind off heartbreak. Not help heal it - because in reality nobody can do that.

Also consider your friends & family may feel this guys wasn’t actually all that great - it’s a lot harder to be sympathetic to someone & console them when privately you feel that person is not worth the heartache & that you are ultimately better off.

I think this is a lesson for everyone with kids to not allow your children to become emotionally entangled with the people you date - why is your son calling him, you didn’t even live together! I would not encourage boyfriends & kids to be so close as it puts them in an emotionally vulnerable spot when you break up. Dealing with feeling guilty at your kids disappointment is a hard but worthwhile learning curve.

It sounds like you were desperate to give him this instant family & make him see that he doesn’t need kids, here is your ready made family! It is naive to expect people will not want biological children & as unfair as it is, a lot of men say they don’t want them then change their minds once their mates start to settle down.

As a childfree person I have only met a handful of men who truly are childfree. On Tinder most men in my age bracket seem to be single dads or want a family. You will have better luck dating someone who is a single dad than convincing someone they don’t want kids.

@vikingwife Thankyou for the reply. I have tried not to burden friends and family which is why I am pouring it all out here I guess. As I have nowhere else.

Yes it is like a drug as I actually feel calmer happier and soothed after seeing or speaking to him. I won’t lie

Your points about children. I didn’t mean to come across arrogant I am really not like that at all . When we met almost 2 years ago it was me who said from the very start I can’t have anymore children so he always knew and he said he had no great desire to have his own kids simply because society says he should but if he didn’t get married one day he would feel disappointed. So that’s where I took that from. But yes people change their mind and they are perfectly entitled to do that. If you love someone set them free and all that. He had asked a few time’s would you ever consider a surrogate and I was quite honest that yes I would if the situation was right. As I still have my ovaries . So that option was and still is there

My children have known him two years and he used to stay over here 2-3 time’s a week sometimes more depending on both our work rotas
He’s been here for Christmas birthdays etc . Not because I have forced it on him. I have always been very mindful they aren’t his children and wanted everyone to feel happy and comfortable. Same as I have never suggested or pushed anything on them they don’t like. My son views him more like a big brother or a mate more than anything as they like a lot of the same things. Hope that explains it a little better.

The thing is OP you keep talking about him possibly wanting children, and you can't have more children. But if you take that completely out of the equation, and yes it's clear to see it massively plays on your mind... That's not really the 'issue' here at all is it? If you're completely honest with yourself? The issue is he's consistently over a very comparatively short relationship (2yrs), texted other women, looked to have sex with sex workers, chatted up other women, had a used condom laying about (apparently from eons ago? 🤮), and used drugs. The common denominator isn't anything to do with if he wants kids/if you can have a child as a couple. It's about him wanting sex with other people? You're beating yourself up about a hypothetical child being an issue and it being your failing to the end of the relationship. When in reality it sounds more like he's just trying to use it as an easy cop out, and he's just more interested in getting sex with other women. This man is not a 'great man', he's playing you for a fool.

Should also add with regards to getting married it was him who had initiated many conversations about it. Asking how would give me away , where he wanted to have his stag do , time of year for a weddding , the venue and all things like that. That was him and not me being bridezilla

It does & realising that you recognise the “love drug” effect is important! Treat it like we would any addiction. The alcoholic’s brain is screaming out for a drink to make them feel soothed & warm inside - but the cycle is destructive & every time they grab the drink it puts them back on the merry go round.

The only way to stop it is to get off the ride, deal with the discomfort & learn a new lifestyle to replace that addiction.

Interactions with him feel like a bandaid over your wound, but in reality it’s like continually reopening the wound, preventing you from beginning the healing process.

As others have said OP, this situation isnt really about him wanting kids, etc. Its not even that he is a drug addled person who pays for sex and just sounds colossally awful.

The fact is, he doesn't want to be with you.

No amount of begging and bargaining will make that change. He will still be a man who doesnt want to keep seeing you.

You are going to eventually accept that. The good news is that once you do, you'll actually feel much better.

Most of the pain you're feeling at the moment is the agony of believing that you could somehow change his mind. So you're going in circles trying to find the magic words.

But the wonderful and terrible truth is, you can't make him want you.

Once you really accept that, your mind will calm down dramatically. You will still feel pain, but it won't be as agonizing.

So what if he initiated wedding conversations? Did it cost him anything? Did he produce an engagement ring? Did he contribute any finances to your household when he stayed over 2-3 times a week? We could all offer anything that actually costs us fuck all. It doesn't add to squat unless someone actually does anything about it.... Talk is cheap!

@Catsup yes my gut feeling was he’s used kids as a get out as he knows I would most likely have forgiven him again over the messages etc but this issue is literally the one thing I can’t do anything about. I also think he wants to be able to say to people I ended it because I want my own family rather than tell people the truth. He likes to be liked and be popular etc so he knows people will be sympathetic to him if he says that’s the reason . He did tell a couple of female friends this a while back and they were full of sympathy and asking if he was ok telling him what a good dad he would make etc. He gets quite shirty at the idea I would tell people the real reasons. He also maintains to this very day he didn’t ever actually cheat or do anything with anyone else. And I don’t have cast iron proof he ever went through with it which he knows. So that’s when he says things like all I am doing is hurting you I don’t deserve you you deserve someone better maybe he’s destined to always be on his own forever and all the rest of it. He likes the attention he likes to ego boost of people making him feel good . And yes it probably is another part of what is clearly an addictive personality he has. He also says he wants what both his brothers have got which is the marriage house together family life . It’s like one half of him wants that but then the other side takes over. He also says he tends to get fucked over by girls and he was cheated on once when he was about 18 (so 14 yrs ago ) and he thinks it’s a protective mechanism to do something before he gets hurt himself.

When u found out about the sex workers he eventually admitted that 3 hrs ago when his mum died he used them a lot. He was living on his own having just moved out of hone q couple of weeks before she passed and he got into about £2k worth of debt having them visit after nights out. Sometimes it was to have someone to drink and do drugs with , smoke in the garden and chat and hang out with and stroke his ego and other times with was for sex. Says he’s not proud of it and he stopped for all that time , paid of the debt and has now managed to save a few grand in the bank in savings. Is now in a job he’s happier in so he just said he had no idea why he was even tempted back in Feb and then March was just him being wasted not that it excuses it. I just don’t understand what was so wrong with me , he was saying he was happy etc with everything loved me and was doing that. Looking being tempted and possibly more. Ever since that discovery things just went downhill and never recovered. I wish I had never looked. We would have still been happy then and together

Yes he paid his way when he was here . Wasn’t a cocklodger. And we split everything down the middle if we went out socially or on holiday etc or he would pay one time I would pay another. That’s about the only thing which was never an issue in all honesty

Should also say although I am analysing it all here and poring over it all online since he ended it after the first initial time I saw him face to face and admit I tried to change his mind plead etc I haven’t done that since. He came here to see if I was ok as I had been in hospital and been discharged with a long running health issue which I suffered from when we were together. It wasn’t to soothe me over my heartbreak in any way . He’s having a get together next week for his birthday outside and has asked if I will be there and what time etc. Almost took it for granted that I would of course go. To be honest all his mates and family will he there and I don’t intend to go . I will bow out the day before with a work committment or something. I don’t know what he’s said to people , whether he’s made fun of me to people etc and tried to put on the lad act to them and I don’t want people looking at me laughing about me as this sad loser who’s still hanging around him and can’t take no for an answer . I would rather not go
I won’t be missed

I think you should seek counselling, your internal dialogue is all screwed up.

It seems clear you would have forgiven him for this latest indiscretion - so while he may not be telling people about this, it still stands to reason that his reasons are valid & he isn’t exactly lying - you haven’t broken up over these messages, you’ve broken up due to this incompatibility in life.

You’re spending all your energy analysing him, his reasons, his traumas - just. Stop. You’re trying to intellectualise his actions. He is no different than any other bloke on here caught with inappropriate messages on his phone. Understanding he needs his ego boost is good, but it’s no great realisation. It doesn’t make him different to any other cheater.

You need to be analysing yourself & why you would settle for what sounds like not a catch of a bloke. You sound desperately insecure, wanting to hang onto something which wasn’t even good.

You wanted to be “the one” to change him, make him settle down with you & forget his partying ways. It can be a real ego boost to feel you’ve tamed the bad boy.

It is awful being broken up with, when you didn’t want it to end. But it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you - you just weren’t right for each other. It sounds like he had a lot wrong with him that you would have overlooked just to hang onto this relationship.

You can’t seriously be wishing you didn’t know the truth & want to continue living in ignorance, being made a mug of. You also wouldn’t be happy, as the issue of children would have come up eventually. You would be wasting your time even more...for who knows how long?

He sounds like he is not ready to settle down & does not want to settle down with you. It hurts & it sucks but that’s the reality. his way of living is not bad, yours isn’t bad. But together, incompatible.

Yes cut him off completely & of course his friends won’t miss you much - they are his mates! I wouldn’t expect an ex’s friend’s to be moping over me if we split up. How did he know you were in hospital ? Delete his number, block on Facebook/social media & get him out of your life. You need to go cold turkey, it’s the only way. Otherwise you will keep being stuck in the past.

His number was on the front of my hospital notes from previous admissions . I have had them remove it now. I was on a morphine drip and gas and air at the time and don’t even recall the journey by ambulance to hospital