Struggling with break up , want to make it work

[lookingatthepast]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3898601-Think-it-s-over-Messages-escorts-open-condom-Please-help

Link to previous thread. It is over. He still says he is unsure about whether the relationship is right for him. Children is the main issue and he could stay in a relationship which isn’t right for him and regret it when he’s older. Interspersed with telling me he’s sorry for everything he knows it hurts now but he thinks this is best for us both in the long run and I will meet someone else.

I am absolutely devestated. I cry most days. I have terrible anxiety waking up with a knot in my stomach feeling sick. I keep going over and over everything and I am now grieving the fact I am infertile and can’t have anymore children. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I have children but it’s opened a huge wound that I am still so young and can never have another baby and it’s brought home the fact it may be a huge barrier to me meeting someone else. I loved him and he says he still loves me and cares about me and the children perhaps time and space apart is best but right now this is how he feels and he doesn’t think he will ever change his mind. I miss him so much. I am crying for the future we had talked about a house together and getting married. I am finding it hard to cope and I will be honest I have seriously thought about ending it as it’s the last thing in a huge string of things in my life. Everyone said how happy we seemed together. I just miss him terribly

I feel sick constantly

You are depressed. It’s ok to feel sad after a break up. Give yourself permission to not feel ok. People go through breakups & feel depressed, what you are experiencing is normal. You don’t miss him, you miss what you thought you had & the idealised future you had envisioned. Try to do one thing a day On your chores list. I mean this kindly, you have children & you need to be strong & put on a front for them so they are not affected by your depression episode. You are stronger than you know. You don’t need to do all your chores in one go. Eat takeout all week if you can’t manage the thought of cooking. But life has to move on & you can’t fall apart over one bloke. Allow yourself 3 days to wallow & mentally accept the breakup. If you’re still in the same place in a week something is wrong mentally & you need more urgent care. You sound like the kind of person who may benefit from some type of medication here. Effexor saved my life, there is help out there if you’re mentally unable to cope. Do not be afraid to try medication. Because if your mind is unable to pull you out of this depression then an aid can & will help.

It was never about you with this guy. You were never the cause of the pain. He was always a ‘me’ person, and motivated by his own selfish, and very destructive, addictive behaviours. So please do not allow yourself to play the blame game.

You are not alone. Many of us have experiences of abusive relationships and have felt overwhelmed and stuck.

Going over negative thoughts of the past is very common, and something that many of us get stuck on, but it only gets us into a negative cycle that makes you feel hopeless and stuck.

Do something nice just for you and your children today, and plan a busy day, bustling with activities to distract you.
It can be full of games with your children, playing outside if you have a garden, or playing inside and putting on music to do the silliest dance, baking with the children and leaving the mess til tomorrow, and then enjoying icing the baking treats, or whatever takes your fancy, anything you want. Have a movie session, watch silly children’s shows together, with a milkshake for them and a tea/ coffee/hot chocolate for you, then write a list of things that you love about your children that you want to encourage more of, while they watch the TV

Set yourself a personal challenge , whatever you want to do that you you have been putting off, and give yourself time each day to make it happen for you. . You are worthy of an honest, kind, gorgeous partner, do t look for love with this XP he’s not such a man. Enjoy your time with your children and sack him off. You donot need him. You already have a wonderful family, just you and the children.

If you have not seen your GP about HRT, since the hysterectomy it could be an option, and please consider what Vikingswife says about discussion of how you feel with your GP. If you can, make phone call to your GP then spend the whole day spoiling you and your children with only things that lift your spirits.

They are on holiday with their father until next week but what you say I can do when they are back. I have literally stayed in the house all week. Only got dressed one day. Had one bath two days ago. Only yesterday I brushed my teeth. I have cried I have stared at the tv but not watched anything. Haven’t read although I have tried.

I have my ovaries and no menopausal symptoms. I am on escitalopram for anxiety and have been for 2 years now. Was on venlafaxine many years ago for pnd and it’s an evil drug (for me anyway. One of the brain zap crew here) but talking to my gp is a valid point. I think this is way beyond sadness and is into depression / breakdown territory. I can mask it next week when I am back at work as I do nights and sleep all day but I am probably storing up a major depressive episode or breakdown if I try and bury all this again . He ended it 11 days ago.

Yes it is mourning the loss. The home we talked (both he and I not all just me ) of making together a holiday next year we were planning after our one this year was cancelled. Getting married silly things. There was never any doubt in our mind that we would get married until the discovery of the escorts earlier in the year . Everything snowballed downhill after that .

He probably thinks I am utterly stupid pathetic and an embarrassment with the way I feel (I had told him a few days ago ) probably glad to be rid of me and find someone normal who’s actually fun to be around

I know he was meeting w couple of mates last night so I know drinking and cocaine would have been involved. But all night I sat there just feeling so flat and sad and lonely thinking he would normally have called me even when out or have dropped me a message. I wonder if he’s messaging anyone else now. What he’s saying to them. Is he happy and enjoying himself. How can he be out when I am sat at home feeling this way. Does he miss me ? Does he feel sad too. He probably wishes I would just fuck off and die too

He's used sex workers and done drugs. He's cheated on you. He's lied. I know that you can't see how great it is that this is over, but one day you will.

Things will get better, how can they not, when you don't have this absolute idiot weighing you down. You will find someone more worthy of you one day, and be happy again.

When you're going through hell, just keep going.

Someone who was interacting with escorts while in a relationship has compartmentalised this & is moving on. He doesn’t miss you, no - he may have liked having you as a girlfriend for the benefits sure there are things to miss! He is out partying & having a good time. It is always easier for the person who has ended the relationship to move on quickly, as they had an emotional head start.

I’m not trying to be harsh - I’m trying to be realistic here & answer your questions, because you’re ruminating, which doesn’t do you any good.

This breakup was 11 days ago, but you’re still at day dot because you’re still speaking to him & spoke last night as friends, despite everyone here telling you exactly why you need to cut him off. You keep reopening the wound & wondering why you’re sat at home unable to function.

You know what he is doing because you’re still in contact. It sounds like you’re desperate for any form of attention or interaction with him, any crumbs of hope you can get are like feeding your addiction.

You do sound unhinged, desperate & on the cusp of having a mental health episode. Heartbreak really is awful & it is understandable this could trigger a depressive episode when you’re fragile & vulnerable.

You need to move past this grief & accept its over, find your anger here. Embrace your anger & Let it propel you forward.

You need to be reading chump lady & getting some online support there to understand your unhealthy thought processes & how to break them.

Stop seeking out the attention & interaction of the person who has hurt you. You’ve cried & begged & believe me babe I have been there & feeling like a fool & a loser. But No Contact can start today.

You are giving him all your energy & power, you neeed it for yourself right now. Every day you have spent doing nothing but pine for this bloke is a day you don’t get to invest in yourself.

It sounds like you have an unhealthy concept of love being fighting against all the odds, fighting for each other, drama, breakups, makeups... that’s really not a realistic version of love. Life is not a movie. If you choose to dedicate your existence to pining over him & become Miss Havisham that is your choice.

But you can’t not do any self care & refuse to cut him off & be sat wondering why you feel the way you do.

If the tough love is upsetting you I do apologise, but at what point to you need people to give you a shake here? This is not the first thread you’ve made about him & the escorts. This has been going on for months now.

I blocked him a couple of days ago .

But yes it is getting too much these thoughts.

I think it’s because I am trying to make sense of why he did it with calling them up . As when he was qsked he just said I don’t know. I have fucked up. It’s nothing you have done. Sorry

I think it’s not 100% knowing (although let’s be honest the condom suggests something happened at some point with someone ) and it’s not knowing why. That’s what is eating me up

I’m not sure how you knew he was out last night with a few friends if you have blocked him? Delete all his mates as well. You want to remove yourself completely.

What answers do you think you need here? Why people generally cheat? Or sex workers specifically? The anonymity, the ease of an emotionless fuck with no messy needs or wants after. The thrill, that it’s “naughty”, getting to pick whatever “type” or kink floats your boat. The ease of casual sex being fun & not having to chat up the woman to get laid. It’s just transactional, without having to deal with all the work involved people have to do to get laid. Seeing sex & love as very different things, sex has nothing to do with love.

It’s really not about you, but I’m not sure you’re going to get this definitive answer. It may be a combination of these things.

Trying to understand & intellectualise why this bloke has cheated on you & with sex workers is arguably less important than FOCUSING on YOU & why you are willing to settle for this awful excuse for a relationship. Why after he has cheated with escorts your thread title is still about wanting to make it work.

The issue & answers you seek are within yourself. Analysing him & his motivations does you no good. Analysing your own grief & traumas is what you would be doing in therapy. Do you really think a therapist is going to want to waste time intellectualising him? Their job will be to focus on you & every time you keep deviating off & focusing on him they will keep redirecting you back.

I also think focusing on needing to know why is you wanting to keep on pining for him & having him be the centre of your world, when you need to be single right now. It’s not what you want, but what you need.

Instead of asking “why did he do X & Y” think “why did I do X & Y” and really analyse yourself here. Start intellectualising yourself. You have a lot of growth & work to do.

It sounds like you’re wallowing to an unhealthy degree here. You need a change, you’re stuck. You will keep being stuck until you do something to change this.

He didn’t end it 11 days ago, he ended it in May (your precious thread was the same) but you wouldn’t accept it and now you have ended up here further down the line, and he has no further desire to continue a relationship. People make future plans, but things and feelings can change. Unconditional love romantically doesn’t exist.

You need help for your depression and mental health
You need help not answers from him

You never get the answers you want after a break up because you have the answers in front of you - you don’t want to see them. You are looking for the answers that make you feel better, not the real answer. No he doesn’t miss you or your DC. He’s a 30yo man out with his mates doing drugs, chatting to girls and he’s put everything behind him and moved on - because that is what people do when they break up. Even though he is an absolute shit, when you break up with someone you have to respect that decision and accept it. He does not owe you anything anymore, unfortunately

Your key is in his actions, not so much in his answer;
* I don’t know...I have fucked up. it’s nothing you have done. Sorry “

Meanwhile, He is partying with his friends and moving on at a rapid rate, fuelled by his first and only real true love, his beloved cocaine and alcohol.

He can not be trusted and will continue to let people down around him, as he makes sure he has what he wants, no matter who he hurts on the way.

Well done for cutting him off. You were wise to block him and you are right to protect yourself by keeping well away from him and any ‘birthday’ get together, which really is just another excuse to do cocaine and feed his addictions .

I've got a friend whose exGF is still torturing herself pining over him some 2 years after they've split and it's painful to watch.

The reason she can't move on is because she doesn't want to. She keeps torturing herself over and over if she could just change x or y then he would take her back. It's simply not true.

Tell yourself it's over. Tell yourself you don't want him, you're better off without him and then follow through. Block block block and refuse to give in when you want to speak to him. Focus your energy and thoughts on repeating the same mantra and your heart will quickly catch up, I promise. Focus on moving on as quickly as you can for your own sake and your DC.

You can’t change him but you can change how you respond. Keep blocking and protecting yourself, see GP , get a full health check and support to ensure you can be in the best possible health to get through this time.

Look towards the things you can change for the better, makes plans to enjoy your life to the full with your children and start to turn your mind new challenges for yourself. Spend time each day doing something nice for you.

Refocus on you and your needs, see if you can pull yourself through these dark feelings, towards a brighter future free of losers dragging you down

@lookingatthepast

I know he was meeting w couple of mates last night so I know drinking and cocaine would have been involved. But all night I sat there just feeling so flat and sad and lonely thinking he would normally have called me even when out or have dropped me a message. I wonder if he’s messaging anyone else now. What he’s saying to them. Is he happy and enjoying himself. How can he be out when I am sat at home feeling this way. Does he miss me ? Does he feel sad too. He probably wishes I would just fuck off and die too

Yes of course he misses you .

Here are just some of the reasons that he will, at some point “miss you:”

He misses the you that listened to all of his problems, made everything about him, helped him, and supported him in every way no matter how poorly he treated you or how non-mutual the relationship was.
He misses the you that was his biggest fan.
He misses how easy it was to attain your excuses and forgiveness.
He misses the you that believed he was God’s gift to mankind.
He misses the you that always empathized with him (to your own detriment).
He misses the you that blamed herself for hurtful and amateur hour behaviour.
Makes you think ?

Suggest focusing on your mental health and wellbeing, including by accessing MH services if needed. And parenting.

Any further contact with or dwelling on your ex won’t help with that, at all.

Him ending things was the biggest favour he could have done you. He's a waste of space.

It’s not really ‘him’ that you’re grieving, but more the person he presented to you, with the promise of marriage and happy ever after. You are grieving the future you believed you and your children would have and that is gut wrenching and your grief is normal. But having read your story, trust me when I say this man has done you the biggest favour by walking away. He has no intention of settling down, and you’re right, him saying he wants kids may be true, but it sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to justify him leaving, when really he just wants sex with hookers and drugs with the lads. If he really loved you and truly wanted to start a family, well like you said there options available like surrogacy. He had no intention of following through. No, he likes the care free, cocaine taking, lad lifestyle- and being step- dad, let alone raising his biological children would only be getting in the way of that.
He’s a good liar, he sucked you in and if you’re not careful he will drag you down and manipulate you for his own purposes. You CANNOT put yourself at the mercy of this man. Be strong, you are a mother, for now put your kids needs ahead of your own. Ignore him, you are more important then he is, you have more in your life than coke and hookers.
I believe in your ability to love yourself, to value yourself and know that you will learn the lesson this experience has given you and be stronger for it.

Thanks again to everyone. Have been coming back and reading the comments when I feel low and weak .

As I say I wouldn’t need to stay strong or firm. He’s absolutely 100% certain this is right for him and wants to be on his own and be single and have his own space . He certainly won’t be back that’s for sure as his mind is made up completely

The end of a relationship is so hard. Take care of yourself and get support here and from friends and eventually you'll feel great again without him ❤️

He ... has never been abusive to me physically.

Truly a high bar. Emotionally abusive though?

I will admit our sex life was very much him laying back and the only way he could come was with a hand job which he would often have to finish himself. Pretty much every time. Maybe if that sheds some light on things.

God he sounds shit.

The sex side didn’t matter to me , I miss the cuddles and laughing at the tv together , him calling me bubs the silly little things. I will miss shopping for his birthday and making it special for him.

Some really wise words on this thread tonight, particularly from ClaryFairchild, rvby & vikingwife. Non judgemental, safe, practical & compassionate. Posters are not just thinking of you, OP, but your children too.

@PicsInRed

He ... has never been abusive to me physically.

Truly a high bar. Emotionally abusive though?

I will admit our sex life was very much him laying back and the only way he could come was with a hand job which he would often have to finish himself. Pretty much every time. Maybe if that sheds some light on things.

God he sounds shit.

If he could only come with a hand job, what's the betting he's also a porn addict. I only say that because I once met a man like this, he could only come through wanking while watching porn or imagining it. I may as well have not been there.

OP you can find someone who is a much better partner. He sounds very troubled.

@Ryah76

It’s not really ‘him’ that you’re grieving, but more the person he presented to you, with the promise of marriage and happy ever after. You are grieving the future you believed you and your children would have and that is gut wrenching and your grief is normal. But having read your story, trust me when I say this man has done you the biggest favour by walking away. He has no intention of settling down, and you’re right, him saying he wants kids may be true, but it sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to justify him leaving, when really he just wants sex with hookers and drugs with the lads. If he really loved you and truly wanted to start a family, well like you said there options available like surrogacy. He had no intention of following through. No, he likes the care free, cocaine taking, lad lifestyle- and being step- dad, let alone raising his biological children would only be getting in the way of that. He’s a good liar, he sucked you in and if you’re not careful he will drag you down and manipulate you for his own purposes. You CANNOT put yourself at the mercy of this man. Be strong, you are a mother, for now put your kids needs ahead of your own. Ignore him, you are more important then he is, you have more in your life than coke and hookers. I believe in your ability to love yourself, to value yourself and know that you will learn the lesson this experience has given you and be stronger for it.

Spot on. well said.