Struggling with break up , want to make it work

[lookingatthepast]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3898601-Think-it-s-over-Messages-escorts-open-condom-Please-help

Link to previous thread. It is over. He still says he is unsure about whether the relationship is right for him. Children is the main issue and he could stay in a relationship which isn’t right for him and regret it when he’s older. Interspersed with telling me he’s sorry for everything he knows it hurts now but he thinks this is best for us both in the long run and I will meet someone else.

I am absolutely devestated. I cry most days. I have terrible anxiety waking up with a knot in my stomach feeling sick. I keep going over and over everything and I am now grieving the fact I am infertile and can’t have anymore children. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I have children but it’s opened a huge wound that I am still so young and can never have another baby and it’s brought home the fact it may be a huge barrier to me meeting someone else. I loved him and he says he still loves me and cares about me and the children perhaps time and space apart is best but right now this is how he feels and he doesn’t think he will ever change his mind. I miss him so much. I am crying for the future we had talked about a house together and getting married. I am finding it hard to cope and I will be honest I have seriously thought about ending it as it’s the last thing in a huge string of things in my life. Everyone said how happy we seemed together. I just miss him terribly

Absolutely you’ve done the right thing in saying that to your kids! Keeping it light & breezy with them is great.

It’s abnormal to be grieving over things dating as far back to your birth - having children can reopen traumas hidden from childhood, so that’s significant.

In the meantime, you may find help with YouTube videos to help empower you, many counselling & psychs have YouTube channels & when you’re up at night not sleeping it’s really good to have some channels to fall back on to help calm your racing thoughts.

You barely mention your existing children on the other thread either. You cannot live your life mourning for children you cannot have, and a man who is destructive and unavailable. I am glad you are getting help. The first step to helping yourself is cutting him out of your life entirely. Your thread title says you want it to work? That is not accepting anything

No you can’t be friends

Thanks. I think because now I am an adult with the role of parent I am grieving for the little girl I once was with all that other stuff going on. My youngest child is also a girl and that may have triggered something

I didn’t mention them a lot on the other thread as I have come here to talk about what’s in my own head and my own triggers and traumas which is causing me to be in this current situation now. In counselling face to face they were discussed a lot in various ways. It’s not that I don’t care or am not thinking about them. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If that was the case I wouldn’t be trying to talk this out and access help myself in various ways so that I can feel better and improve my mental health. It is also natural even if you have had children to go through a grieving process if you lose the ability to have anymore. I was young when I had my surgery and it was for medical reasons and I had very little option but to have it done. At the time I was absolutely numb and she’ll shocked I recovered at home and then like with everything buried it and got on. I was also married at the time and never thought the inability to have further children would ever be an issue. This (whether it’s bollocks he’s spouting or not - it’s irrelevant really ) has obviously opened a wound which I thought was healed or didnt exist. It’s a bit like losing a leg and being told it’s ok you still have the other one. Not really the point is it

I don't think it's a great idea to tell your DC you're staying friends, but that's done and I'd leave it now.

Don't stay friends, though. Cut him out of your life! At the moment your approach to that is: I am cutting him out of my life because I'm not getting in touch with him. I can't help it when he gets in touch with me!

But that's not entirely truthful. You are leaving that door open for him to get in contact.

Do you think it will be good for you to remain friends with him?

Yes Sometimes we do date people because they seem like a sensible option, that we should like them, just to try it out & it does feel unfair. As an alt looking person it is upsetting to realise some guy was only dating you because he wanted to have a tattooed girlfriend, or that I’m Italian & they have “always wanted an Italian girlfriend” etc. like, they weren’t with me for ME but for what I represented to them. That does sting, people do it a lot though.

People lie all the time during breakups - there’s often different versions depending on who is asked. It really doesn’t matter what he says or thinks - you know your truth.

Also think of him waxing lyrical about having a family like him saying one day he wants to Travel to New Zealand - then you present him with the tickets like - here ! Here’s your tripe of a lifetime, let’s go! Then he stalls, stammering, because he visualised wanting to travel there “one day” but having it all laid out for him when he isn’t sure he wants to go right now - well if you feel uncertain, that’s a no. Because it’s not an enthusiastic yes.

What I mean is laying out this life for him so easily without much thought as to whether this person is a good fit for your family lifestyle wise is a desperate act.

I’ve been on both sides & can say it is unnerving when someone is someone behaves this way - because it comes across like you would be feeling this way about anybody who looked at you twice - like what was so special about him that he deserved your commitment? Nothing. He could have been any Joe Blow - and I suspect he knows that full well.

Like I said you will move on & someone else will turn your head, sooner or later. And it shouldn’t have to be a battle, or fighting against the odds like some unrealistic romance novel.

How old are your children op?

6, 10 and 15

Can I gently add to the mix of thoughts in your head that I regret having four DCs. I love them all, of course, but I regret having so little time, energy and money once it's divided between them. I'd love to give each of them so much more, but there's only so much to go round.

Also, I'd like to recommend singleness. I was a single parent for five years and it was just brilliant. I had been married to somebody who swallowed up vast amounts of my time and energy, especially my mental energy, so having my head clear for my DC was something I really valued.

The life you have now is a mother
I also cannot have more DC for medical reasons so I am not dismissing your feelings but feeling so distressed over this and this man, despite having 3 healthy loving DC is very damaging and destructive. No one is going to come and take this pain away from you, a baby would not do that and a man won’t do that. You have to do this work. By continually letting this bloke back in your life and desperately keeping him as a ‘friend’ is absolutely not helping yourself in any way shape or form, you become part of your own problem and running away from solutions.

I am saying to you that you need to take more responsibility and accountability here. By absolutely cutting the entire connection to this man, all that you are being told about him (gossip), talking about him over and over.

Only you can make a new life for yourself and you should want to do this for your DC, not the imaginary baby.

I am now grieving the fact I am infertile and can’t have anymore children. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago. I have children but it’s opened a huge wound that I am still so young and can never have another baby and it’s brought home the fact it may be a huge barrier to me meeting someone else.

OP, this was in your first post on the thread. I don't want to dismiss your feelings on never being able to have more children, I felt the 'need' to have a second but I'm done now and have no desire for a third. I do understand your mourning your fertility though.

But what stood out for me is the feeling you have that not being able to have any more babies would be a barrier to meeting a new partner. Please be assured that in my experience (divorced when kids were 7 and 4) that if you're upfront about your situation - can't/don't want to have more children, it really does weed out the blokes who are actually OK with that and those who aren't. I suspect that he might be using the fact you can't now as an excuse to get out of the relationship, and that is despicable. Never mind the drugs, sex workers.... Its not like you have decided not to, then changed your mind, it's a non-negotiable of the highest order.

I've spoken to several men that when the kids conversation begins, visibly relax when you say nope, no more for me! And then there's the worry-free sex (after std testing, of course) to enjoy without worrying about contraception! They may already have kids of their own, or not want more. If, eventually they do change their minds, a good bloke will at least have the balls to own that decision and make leaving the relationship easier on you.

Please think about some counselling for your feelings about your fertility;it is something you need, somehow, to come to terms with before embarking on a new relationship. No relationship should require you to have a baby with him, babies do not cement a wobbly relationship. And the 3 children you do have need you, as much as you need them.

Oh, and your ex sounds like a real piece of shit - drug dealing, flaky, emotional abuse... Move on, when you can, there are plenty of good men out there x

I’m 40 and no men I have dated in the last 10 years have wanted any more children. It is not a barrier

I had a situation a few years ago where I was waking in the middle of the night and going over and over a difficult situation I was in. Not similar to yours, but arguing with someone who accused me of something I hadn’t done. The conversation in my head was going round and round, we were never going to agree, so it just went on and on (in my head). As soon as I heard the familiar conversation starting, I had to tell myself to SHUT UP!, just STOP IT! Its POINTLESS. Then turn my attention to something like what I would spend my lottery winnings on. The more often you can do that, the easier it gets to shut yourself up. Those middle of the night, tossing and turning episodes are awful. Hope this helps a little.

So he's a drug dealer and yet you encourage him spending time alone with your teenage son? Have you ever considered that he could end up grooming your kid to sell for him?
It's best for your children that this relationship is over

Accepting the end of a relationship is very difficult. It is trauma and like grieving the death of someone.

I think you need to go no contact/radio silence and work on you. Where do you live? Are there places you can go for nice walks, so you have friends nearby etc

There is no denying that a break up is hard at the best of times but it seems like you are pulling everything from the past to do what ? Give yourself an excuse for the way you feel OTHER THAN THIS WASTE OF A MAN . He is a deadloss. Shit happens - accept this and stop having contact with him . He has not walked out on your children - you and he have just not worked out . I think you are using them as an excuse to keep in touch and as someone else said why would you have your children in contact with a man like this ? Time to pull your big girl pants on and get real . It didn't work out . One day you will look back on this and realise it was the best thing ever !

Thanks to everyone. I managed to get some more sleep . My children are on holiday this week and next with their dad so maybe that’s why I am finding it hard with having a totally empty house. I am just sitting here waiting for one day to end and another to begin day in day out with no human contact and just silence and my thoughts. Tried watching tv / box sets / reading etc but I simply cannot concentrate 1 due to my anxiety which is off the scale and 2 where I was unwell earlier on and had very stong pain relief it’s badly affected my sleep (I can’t get much lol) and my concentration span / attention span is non existent

You need to call your GP today. I really think you need proper MH support. You don’t sound able to function at all (especially without this man). You can usually self refer to your local MIND, if you can afford the low cost rates, it’s usually faster to speak to someone. I paid about £40 per hour. It was worth it.
No one is going to come and pull you out of this hole - as awful as it sounds he won’t come save you

Yes paying for the help isn’t an issue . I have submitted an e request as is the standard procedure with my surgery at the moment

I have a room half decorated at home. Washing which has been piled up for months to be put away. A garden which needs the lawn cut and beds sorted in. Empty cupboards and freezer bin overflowing and I am just laid on the sofa staring at the tv. Not watching it just looking at it. I make a drink and it sits and gets cold and then I tip it away.

I have blocked him. Today he’s gone back to saying he didn’t treat me great but none of that has anything to do with why he ended it and why should he tell people about it as it’s not relevant. I think he’s using kids as a reason to dump me so he doesn’t have to take any of the blame over why the relationship folded and if anything everyone will support his reasons and feel sorry for him . Horrible behaviour

You're right. Good decision to block.

I know the feeling of not having the energy to do anything when the DC aren't around. It's a strange life, full on exhausting when the kids are around, too quiet when they're gone!

I miss him so much . Everything feels dark and empty right now