I want to leave - but are these good enough reasons?

[Rainbowsocks85]

I’ve been married for 16 years and I have two primary aged children. I’ve never been fully happy, right from the start but I’ve managed to fill my life in other ways. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt as I should but I ended up getting married quite young as there seemed no way out of it. I know, I know, not great, but I was only 20 and dh is nine years my senior.

Anyway it’s not all been bad but I am so bored. Dh does nothing with us and now I’ve reached the point where I don’t want him to because I’ve nothing to say to him and it’s one long pretence on my part. He finishes work and lies on ‘his sofa’ with ‘his tv’ and puts on whatever it is he wants to watch and that’s it for the evening. It’s always been that way.
He talks to the children in a very over the top way, daddy’s prince, daddy’s princess, so precious, love my family so much etc. To me he says I’m never allowed to leave him, asks how much I love him, do I love him more than I used to? Less? As much? Grabs hold of me and says ‘who do you belong to’ that sort of thing.
He has a temper as well. Which sometimes will unexpectedly flair.

I don’t have a job or access to any money which is going to be very difficult. I don’t see how I can say to him that I want to split up - which he won’t want - and expect him to leave. I will have to leave with the children and I will have nothing. I was volunteering pre covid with the hopes of finding a job when my youngest dc starts school properly this September - but now I’m thinking that will be very difficult if the schools are in and out and there will be so many people after one job. I will try but who will want to employ someone who has been a SAHM for four years and is knocking on to boot. I’m not hugely employable even if accept I will have to take any job I can get and can’t be choosy. Dh earns a six figure salary. I know it’s my fault for giving up my job - before anyone says it. I’m aware I was an idiot.

Is being unhappy enough to want to leave? Feeling that I’m not who I was when I married? Is that good enough? When there are children involved? It feels massively selfish...I suppose because it is. I’ve checked out. I don’t know how to check back in. It’s always felt an unequal relationship where he holds the power, although maybe he doesn’t see it like that. We operate on a very superficial level. I don’t tell him things and I never have really. I presume it’s the same for him but I don’t know for sure. Having a discussion around it seems impossible when there’s no closeness there. We never have sex. He makes comments to me about certain things which I don’t like but perhaps if I actually wanted to sleep with him I’d like it.

I'd be less worried about the feeling bored and more about these aspects:

"one long pretence on my part.....

He talks to the children in a very over the top way, daddy’s prince, daddy’s princess, so precious, love my family so much etc. To me he says I’m never allowed to leave him, asks how much I love him, do I love him more than I used to? Less? As much? Grabs hold of me and says ‘who do you belong to’ that sort of thing.
He has a temper as well. Which sometimes will unexpectedly flair. "

Especially the temper bit: how often does this flair? How does that show itself?

He sounds possibly controlling.

It doesn’t flair often and no one is perfect but he shouted at ds the other night and ds was shaking. There’s something about dh that is scary at times.
It’s rare. Very very occasionally with me. But then I give him no reason to - I barely see him in fact.
With the dc it’s more if we are out and they aren’t acting as he thinks they should.
He loves them. But it’s quite superficial there too I think. There’s a lot of the over the top declarations, all the time in fact. How precious they are, how much he loves them, where’s daddy’s kiss, where’s daddy’s hug.
Puts my teeth on edge.

You need no reason at all to leave if you're not happy!

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Your H is abusive and so this relationship is over anyway. He is controlling you all, treating you as his prisoner (its not up to him to tell you that you're not allowed to leave him, he is ultimately not the boss of you) and his children as possessions. He made your DS shake the other night too; if that was frightening enough for you imagine how your DS felt. You do not all belong to him!!.

You do not have access to any money. That is very concerning too. Is there a joint account in existence or does he give you an "allowance" from which to buy everything for your children and you?.

What do your family and friends think of him, I am certain that one or two of them have their own private based suspicions about him.
You need to box clever with this man and now plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention because he is not going to make it easy for you to separate from him. He btw will remain as abusive and controlling post separation too; he will likely use these children as "punishment" against you for having the gall to leave him.

I would seek legal advice asap and get help too from the likes of both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

No joint account - an allowance is given but he doesn’t give any extra over the holidays for example when I’m taking the dc out and doing things. I don’t like asking him for any extra money. I’d sooner go without.

But how would I manage in the short term if I’ve notbing? We could move to my parents’ but they can’t be expected to support us? I need a job and I will try to find one. I’m also not helped by being someone who is / was shielding so I’m worried if it all comes back again what that will mean for me in terms of work.

He sounds very controlling, borderline coercive and abusive, and the financial situation is really worrying in a modern marriage. What happens if he asks you for money (or what do you fear will happen)? Legally all money in marriage is jointly owned: just because he has a salary does not mean the money is his. Can you access information about his salary, what is in the bank under his name, mortgage information and so forth?

Do you have a friend or family member you could borrow from?

I just feel tense because it’s never given willingly. He questions over it and makes me feel awkward.

He says he can’t say no to me or the dc... but that isn’t exactly true. I don’t feel I can ask him because it’s difficult and I have to ask multiple times. If I said I was taking them out and needed more money to do so, or they needed something - he will sometimes tell me the ‘bank’s closed’ or he will be annoyed about it.
He can afford it. There’s no question.

You aren’t happy. That’s all you need right there. You have given the relationship 16 years and it isn’t working for you.

You only get one life.

He sounds vile

Being unhappy and not wanting to model tolerating unhappiness to your children is a good enough reason.

I grew up with parents together who shouldn’t have been and I repeated the pattern with my first husband. It was incredibly difficult to walk away from my marriage because it was the same as the one I had grown up with.

I’ve really reconfigured my thinking on family dynamics / the nuclear family etc since we split as I realised I was so desperate to cling to something I saw as an ideal even though what I had was an absolute shadow of that.

Wanting to end the relationship is reason in itself.

You don't need any reasons to leave
They don't have to be good
If you want to leave , leave

He’s just OTT.
I find all the - ‘you aren’t going out until daddy’s had his kiss’ and ‘daddy hasn’t had his hug and kiss’ just 🤮
Also he keeps saying he loves them and then does a fake cough until they say it back.
I know these aren’t the worst crimes ever. I know it’s better to love your dc. But I feel like it’s just words - I don’t know, maybe he feels it. He must I suppose. But I feel it’s all over the top. And he’s always in the third person which I find weird too.

It really does read as though you are in a controlling abusive relationship.

You have little access to money and have to request if you need more than your allowance, which is often denied.
You are treated like a belonging.
You are scared of him and his temper.

Check on a benefit checker how much you would get to get you started, then there will be child maintenance (but that might take a while to set up). Your parents will want to help and they will only be supporting you for a short while till you can sort yourself.

Contact women’s aid and get more advise from there.

He is abusive and he is also financially abusing you. That is why I asked you about your lack of access to money. He regards you all as his possessions.

You need help to leave and I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid and the Rights of Women organisations.

It's easier for him to leave
Put the kids to bed
Tell a friend so they can check on you
Ask him to go somewhere else with a 6 figure salary he can go to budget hotel for a week before finding a flat
One sentence tells him the marriage is over and the kids need their home
Softer approach is start with asking for marriage guides

Can I ask - does the whole narrative around ‘daddy’s precious prince / princess’ that is said numerous times a day - does that seem like we are possessions? It feels that way. But I’m unsure.

I already am sure he won’t go.
He tells the children it’s his house and they’re just lodgers until they can pay their way. He says it jokingly. I don’t know if it’s a joke.

When was the last time you went to the hairdresser for you or even to the dentist?. How many times have you gone without due to him saying no and or otherwise making it too hard for you to obtain money?. He also uses money and your lack of access to it to further control you.

He is not joking, there is real malice behind those words.

He is not the boss of you and you will need to employ legal means to get him out. You will probably have to obtain both non molestation and occupation orders against him.

Hairdresser Christmas / birthday if I get vouchers from family. Sometimes my mum pays.
Dentist never - partly because I don’t like it though.

I think you have more than enough reason to leave OP, living with someone with that kind of temper will be creating an atmosphere which the DC can't fail to pick up on and be damaged by so there's your non-selfish reason, not that you need one.

So let's concentrate on how you leave. Staying with your parents sounds like it would be an option short-term so that's a good start. Have you looked on sites such as entitledto.com to see what benefits you'd get, and done the CMS calculator to see what maintenance you would be entitled to? Obviously it's not a long term plan but it would mean you could leave quickly and buy yourself some time to get on your feet.

Later (assuming you are married) there will be the divorce settlement and you can look for work once you've moved to your parents so it wouldn't be forever but you might find it's enough to manage while you get everything sorted. Start doing some research and putting a plan together, it will all seem far more possible once you have

You're his trophy wife trapped in a gilded cage

You have been very well trained to not rock the boat... the DC are pretty well trained too...

When you leave you phone up CMS and put in a maintenance claim and phone UC and put in a claim as a single parent.

First thing to do right now is claim for child benefit.

And get it paid into a bank account he knows nothing about.