I want to leave - but are these good enough reasons?

[Rainbowsocks85]

I’ve been married for 16 years and I have two primary aged children. I’ve never been fully happy, right from the start but I’ve managed to fill my life in other ways. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt as I should but I ended up getting married quite young as there seemed no way out of it. I know, I know, not great, but I was only 20 and dh is nine years my senior.

Anyway it’s not all been bad but I am so bored. Dh does nothing with us and now I’ve reached the point where I don’t want him to because I’ve nothing to say to him and it’s one long pretence on my part. He finishes work and lies on ‘his sofa’ with ‘his tv’ and puts on whatever it is he wants to watch and that’s it for the evening. It’s always been that way.
He talks to the children in a very over the top way, daddy’s prince, daddy’s princess, so precious, love my family so much etc. To me he says I’m never allowed to leave him, asks how much I love him, do I love him more than I used to? Less? As much? Grabs hold of me and says ‘who do you belong to’ that sort of thing.
He has a temper as well. Which sometimes will unexpectedly flair.

I don’t have a job or access to any money which is going to be very difficult. I don’t see how I can say to him that I want to split up - which he won’t want - and expect him to leave. I will have to leave with the children and I will have nothing. I was volunteering pre covid with the hopes of finding a job when my youngest dc starts school properly this September - but now I’m thinking that will be very difficult if the schools are in and out and there will be so many people after one job. I will try but who will want to employ someone who has been a SAHM for four years and is knocking on to boot. I’m not hugely employable even if accept I will have to take any job I can get and can’t be choosy. Dh earns a six figure salary. I know it’s my fault for giving up my job - before anyone says it. I’m aware I was an idiot.

Is being unhappy enough to want to leave? Feeling that I’m not who I was when I married? Is that good enough? When there are children involved? It feels massively selfish...I suppose because it is. I’ve checked out. I don’t know how to check back in. It’s always felt an unequal relationship where he holds the power, although maybe he doesn’t see it like that. We operate on a very superficial level. I don’t tell him things and I never have really. I presume it’s the same for him but I don’t know for sure. Having a discussion around it seems impossible when there’s no closeness there. We never have sex. He makes comments to me about certain things which I don’t like but perhaps if I actually wanted to sleep with him I’d like it.

He sounds very controlling and a big old bore to boot. Take some time to see what benefits you would be entitled to and talk to Women's Aid.

He sounds horrible.
You need to plan. I agree with you that leaving right now might make you struggle horribly and doubt your decision, which he could use to his advantage if you are vulnerable and he is coercive.

If you can start to put a plan in action you will be securer when you leave. You need a bit of money in reserve. Not ideal, but while the job market is so difficult, can you at least sell some stuff on Ebay, save some money from the food shop, make things to sell on Etsy? What was your job before you married? Is there any skill from it that you could use as a freelancer working from home? Insist on a budget for school uniform etc then underspend on it.

Contact some women's charities for advice. They might offer practical and legal support and insight.

Don't doubt yourself. You are not a fluffy little empty-headed creature who can't survive. You are a grown woman, responsible for two children and capable of far more than you know.

I will have to leave with the children and I will have nothing
No you won't.
Have a chat with CAB.
Also look on line at the child maintenance calculator.
He will have to pay to support his DC.
You are also entitled to 50% of all assets.
Houses, savings, pensions, everything.
Get some legal advice asap!
You will be so much better off financially and emotionally if you can get away from him.
He sounds so abusive and controlling, it's actually quite stomach churning to read.
Please re-read your posts.
Please talk to your family.
Get out and enjoy your life.
This sounds exhausting and tiresome.
Life is way too short for this shite!

I thought so re the hairdresser and dentist. He likely goes there as and when he wants to whereas you do not or only go when you get vouchers. That is also both sad and wrong on so many levels.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This marriage is therefore over.

Look at his parents too op, chances are one or even worse both of them act like he does.

Your children and you should have a life free of being controlled and otherwise abused by their dad and your husband.

You don't need to justify your desire to leave, the fact that you want to leave is enough............

Get organised, lots of good advice on what you need to do and who you can contact for support on MN.

It doesn't matter why you want to leave..................YOU are able to CHOOSE !

There are benefits you can get OP. And you can go on the council housing list.
Womens Aid will help you as he is financially controlling you. That is enough of a reason. Contact them and see what they can do. It may mean moving into a refugewith the kids for a while, but it is worth it and they will help you find your own accommodation and get on your own two feet.
A refuge would be a bedroom of your own, probably sharing a kitchen with other mums and kids. They are very supportive.

The “daddy’s prince/princess” thing is wrong. It tramples on boundaries when you insist on getting a kiss/hug. What if they don’t want to? They then have to and that’s not good for maintaining body autonomy and maintains boundaries as they grow up. It’s not what love is, if you get what I mean? It shouldn’t be coerced out of someone. My DH’s family tell each other “Love you” the whole time, don’t think we ever said it in my family but we always knew it. My DCs will spontaneously tell us they love us (usually with a strangle hug and a massive slobbery kiss!) but we never ask them to as that’s a personal choice. PPs have given you excellent advice and I do think it sounds like you’ve just gone off him as he sounds pretty controlling, especially financially. Get a plan together. You’ll get lots of advice here on what info you will need to leave. Don’t let him know what you’re planning and take your time. Good luck.

I grimaced when reading your op. That's a terrible relationship op.

My parents would say they loved me - and still do - but not constantly. Not in pretty much every conversation. Maybe he doesn’t know what else to say.
He does a lot of ‘I’m so lucky with my perfect little family.’ I feel as though I don’t know him and as though he doesn’t know me. Even though we’ve been together 18 years. I’ve been with him as much of my life as not with him... and yet I don’t know him.

@Rainbowsocks85

Can I ask - does the whole narrative around ‘daddy’s precious prince / princess’ that is said numerous times a day - does that seem like we are possessions? It feels that way. But I’m unsure.

Yes! They (and you) and not people in your own right but only an extension of him.

He won’t move out, why should he (in his mind!). Telling him you are planning out is not a good idea, he will step up the abuse.

You just need to grab the essentials - birth certificate, marriage certificate, any qualifications that you have, passports (if you have) - and then go.

It’s just too much.
I don’t like being asked how much I love him etc either. He says do you love me as much as you used to? And if I say yes. He says - not more? I’m having to effectively lie. And also it’s weird. We are adults. It doesn’t feel normal.
If i go out with the children for the day he says ‘did you miss me? How much did you miss me?’ I don’t miss him.

You could do with the Freedom Programme OP - look it up. He sounds like a narcissist and I definitely agree with the other PPs, don't tell him you're going, it could get very ugly.

I struggle because it’s not all bad...we’ve had some good times. For the children really, that’s where I struggle.
I am scared of him but it’s ridiculous because i couldn’t tell say why and he’s probably only really lost his temper with me a handful of times - but when he does his face and voice changes and he looks like a different person.

The nice times are conditional and are also part of his nice/nasty cycle towards you and the children. That cycle too is a continuous one.

He targeted you deliberately too.

Do not do your bit here to teach your children that this relationship is at all acceptable to you. You would not want them to have a relationship like this as adults would you.? No you would not want this for them

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did they teach you?.

My parents have a very good marriage. They demonstrated a very equal relationship to me. I don’t know how I’ve gone so badly wrong.
I was too young. That’s part of it certainly. We fell into the pattern early on.

He targeted you and otherwise manipulated you, you met him too when you were a young adult with no life experience behind you.

You should no longer be with him, your marriage is over in any case because of the abuse he meets out to you and in turn your kids.

He sounds utterly vile. Yes, he is vindictive, manipulate and abusive. Yes, those are good enough reasons to leave your marriage. Protect those beautiful kids of yours.

The children are happy - that’s my problem really.

I was just on the phone to my dad and dh came into the room as I hung up and said ‘who was my princess on the phone to?’
It’s so weird. Why not say ‘who was that?’
Is it an endearment... or is it part of some sort of weird control thing - I don’t know anymore. It puts me on edge but I’m not sure why.

Oh god all your examples gave me the creeps OP. It is weird, it’s fake and it’s possessive - it does make it sound like he thinks he is the king and you and the children are his subjects / possessions.

It’s a really absuive situation, have you told your parents what this marriage is really like?

Maybe because it's not genuine? Because you'd think being someone's princess would make you important, but actually you're just property to him. And it's putting you on a pedestal which angers him when you're not "perfect", and it's not treating you as a human being, more an object. All image and no substance, underneath it you know he's not engaged with you or your "perfect" family idyll.

Every time he speaks he claims ownership of you and the DC

That's why he always says "my ..." that is what he truly believes that he owns you.

He doesn't need to get angry often you were so terrified by the first few times you always make sure you and the DC don't anger him.

Actually OP he gives me the creeps and I don’t know him. He sounds hugely insecure too. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s one of those cases where he will just accept and adjust. I think you are going to have to make plans and go. In the meantime get on entitled to and play around with some figures. I think you are going to have to go for a divorce if you aren’t working to get a settlement because you will probably have to put a lump sum down to rent somewhere unless lucky enough to get council/housing association. You would be due decent money on his income though , could your parents maybe lend you money to get a rental quickly? Make sure you know what he earns and if you can photocopy statements etc so he doesn’t try to hide income when he knows it’s ending. Your kids will adapt , when older they will usually understand.

You do not need a 'good reason' to end a relationship. However, he is controlling and you are not in love with him - so there, two of the most clear cut reasons there are.

While it would be better for you and the kids to remain at the property I do completely understand that conveying this to him in the heat of the moment would make it very difficult indeed. If you feel there's no way you can deal with the situation of getting him to leave then just leave yourself. Don't let not staying in the house