I want to leave - but are these good enough reasons?

[Rainbowsocks85]

I’ve been married for 16 years and I have two primary aged children. I’ve never been fully happy, right from the start but I’ve managed to fill my life in other ways. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt as I should but I ended up getting married quite young as there seemed no way out of it. I know, I know, not great, but I was only 20 and dh is nine years my senior.

Anyway it’s not all been bad but I am so bored. Dh does nothing with us and now I’ve reached the point where I don’t want him to because I’ve nothing to say to him and it’s one long pretence on my part. He finishes work and lies on ‘his sofa’ with ‘his tv’ and puts on whatever it is he wants to watch and that’s it for the evening. It’s always been that way.
He talks to the children in a very over the top way, daddy’s prince, daddy’s princess, so precious, love my family so much etc. To me he says I’m never allowed to leave him, asks how much I love him, do I love him more than I used to? Less? As much? Grabs hold of me and says ‘who do you belong to’ that sort of thing.
He has a temper as well. Which sometimes will unexpectedly flair.

I don’t have a job or access to any money which is going to be very difficult. I don’t see how I can say to him that I want to split up - which he won’t want - and expect him to leave. I will have to leave with the children and I will have nothing. I was volunteering pre covid with the hopes of finding a job when my youngest dc starts school properly this September - but now I’m thinking that will be very difficult if the schools are in and out and there will be so many people after one job. I will try but who will want to employ someone who has been a SAHM for four years and is knocking on to boot. I’m not hugely employable even if accept I will have to take any job I can get and can’t be choosy. Dh earns a six figure salary. I know it’s my fault for giving up my job - before anyone says it. I’m aware I was an idiot.

Is being unhappy enough to want to leave? Feeling that I’m not who I was when I married? Is that good enough? When there are children involved? It feels massively selfish...I suppose because it is. I’ve checked out. I don’t know how to check back in. It’s always felt an unequal relationship where he holds the power, although maybe he doesn’t see it like that. We operate on a very superficial level. I don’t tell him things and I never have really. I presume it’s the same for him but I don’t know for sure. Having a discussion around it seems impossible when there’s no closeness there. We never have sex. He makes comments to me about certain things which I don’t like but perhaps if I actually wanted to sleep with him I’d like it.

Listen to your gut. This man sounds bloody dangerous.

It's really telling that it hasn't occurred to him that you might want to leave him of your own accord. He sees you as a possession with no feelings or will of your own - hence why he thinks that the only way you'd leave is if someone else tried to 'steal' you.

You need to call women's aid. And make plans to get out as soon as you can.

That is a threat. Make a note of it and speak to WA.
Before you leave you need to speak to the police about it

He is probably sensing that you are pulling away and that threat is meant to keep you in your place.

For your safety I would go into a refuge tbh.

It’s really weird and creepy that he would say that out of nowhere. For one, it’s very very controlling (nobody wants their partner to leave them, but usually we can accept that they’re adults and have their own choices in these things) but also where has it come from? Are you quite sure he’s not checking your internet history?

And no, it’s not normal. None of this is normal. I know a man who does the OTT gushing about his thing and it creeps me out (although I think it’s insecurity rather than anything more sinister driving it in that case). An affectionate touch as you walk past, yes, grabbing and groping, no.

He is probably sensing that you are pulling away and that threat is meant to keep you in your place.

^^This. Be careful OP. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is trying to leave.

He has said similar before. It’s not the first time. Stuff about how the police would need two body bags.
But he says it and laughs so he’d say it was a joke.

Jeez - he sounds utterly deranged.
He will get dangerous so plan your exit carefully.
I suggest you speak with Womens Aid before taking any action.
But please do get away from him.

You need to write down every threat, he isn't joking. Ok so he may not actually kill you but it is a threat to keep you in your place

Hi OP
I’m not surprised you’re miserable in this marriage, I think anyone would be.

How about making a list of your concerns and working through each one. E.g. financial control and worrying about how you’ll cope. My h was very similar to yours in this and I was also a sahm and really worried how I would cope with no access to money. You need to take legal advice because I think that will help to set your mind at rest. He will still be responsible for all the same finances when you initially split and if he stops paying that, your solicitor can quickly get an interim court order to enforce this until the main finance settlement is agreed. I don’t think you need to worry too much about this- in reality, it is probably not as big a barrier as you fear, even though I understand how precarious it feels having no money of your own and no job. In reality you do have money. Your h calls it his. The law sees it as yours too. All of it.

could you present his leaving as a temporary thing first? as in I just need a bit of space for a few days... Does he have family he can stay with? Once he’s out, then you tell him it’s permanent and recruit your dad etc to help you deliver the message. It’s harder for him to move back in once he’s out.

I think your dc will be fine. I know separation was not what you wanted for them, but surely nor was this sort of marriage. You have to base your decision on how the situation actually is, not what you want it to be.

I really wish you luck.

But it's not normal - not even as a so-called joke - to repeatedly threaten to kill someone.

Please call women's aid. I think you need to get out sooner rather than later.

Ok I don’t normally comment on this kind of thread as I don’t have lived experience or expertise in this area, but him comment about killing you really struck me. I think you need to plan very very carefully to leave, seeking advice from organisations like Women’s Aid, and I suspect you will need to make sure he cannot find you as I would take him at his word.

I'm so sorry but I think you're all at risk. You need to leave but seek advice as mentioned above to make sure you plan it safely xx

It gives me utter creeps, this. Exactly what my partner used to say. He would also add 'I'm not even joking' in a threatening tone. You need to report the threat to police. You don't have to press charges and he doesn't need to know you reported it, for now, but it's really important for your own and your children's safety that you do. It'll also be important to have the record of events when it comes to divorce. Be prepared that social services will be in touch with you as a result but don't be afraid, they're there to protect children and as long as you're making steps to protect children too, then you'll be working together and there's no need for you to worry about their involvement, it's for the best.

Confide in trusted friends in RL, you'll need their support.

Keep a log of events every day, too.

Lots of good advice above. With a man like this I would suggest getting everything planned before you say anything and being really careful about hiding it all. Get photocopies now of his docs if you can - pension docs, salary docs, and so on and hide it all - maybe at your parents'. People on 6 figure salaries are often adept at hiding money otherwise. I have found that being really organised with all this is key to regaining some power once you do go.

Oh God. The more you say, the more it’s clear this man has the potential to be extremely dangerous.

These comments about killing you (and the children?) if you leave... they are definitely not normal

There’s a saying you read on mumsnet frequently, which is very, very true: “when someone tells you who they are, listen to them...”

He’s telling you loud and clear that you are a possession. And if you dare try and act like you’re an independent human he will put you down. That’s not a joke. You won’t find anyone coming on here to tell you that their dh says anything like this as a joke. Because it’s not funny. It’s a threat.

It explains why you are scared of him, with him making comments like this.

Please phone Women’s Aid or a local refuge, and tell them what you’ve said here, especially these calm and scary threats.

You will need help to leave, so these threats don’t come true.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to scare you, but those comments... well, better to be safe than sorry. The phrase ‘family annihilator’ keeps coming to mind.

Any unhappy relationship is cause for change on any level or feeling.
Your life your choice.
Mine would ask the same do you love me but do you love me as much as you love our child.
I will say have strong support because this man could cause a lot of mental stress if you do leave.
Limit contact and what you take onboard like I should of!

Whilst you're still interacting with him, look up grey rock technique for dealing with abusers. It's hard to do but it is effective.

He sounds controlling and a bit unhinged. Those aren’t normal things to say. Your relationship is your normal but it’s not normal. You could move to your parents and file for divorce once you are there? You will have money once you’ve divorced him? A share of the house/assets/pension and child maintenance. You can do an online calculator to see how much you will get? As a first step go see a solicitor for a free half hour appointment. Book a “holiday” to go see your parents for a weekend without him. Book a solicitor appointment near them for the first thing Monday morning before coming back home. Get advice. It will make you stronger to know what you will have to live on once you’ve split.

If you go on the govt cms calculator and do the figures, for a £100,000 year salary and two children you would get about £1,100 per month. You would then get universal credit as a single parent. Is there any value in the house? Owned or mortgaged? Is your name on it? You have more assets than you know I would expect

Your last post made all the hairs stand up on my neck OP, I actually think it's more chilling (and worrying) that he says these things calmly and not in the middle of an angry rage, why would he even be thinking about that out of nowhere? Everything you've described is a very long way from normal, he's extremely abusive and dangerous.

That feeling about hurting the kids is exactly why you need to listen, and act on, the advice you're getting here. Reporting, documenting, involving every service in place to help you, all will be vital in protecting you and DC from his reactions once he knows he's lost control of you. You really, really need to contact Women's Aid and be guided by them before you do anything, they know how to keep you and DC safe.

The main number can be really hard to get through to but if you scroll down this link until you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and enter your area it will give you details of your local DV services. These aren't usually open 24 hours like the main line but they do tend to be easier to get through to during their opening hours. Please ring, this man is too dangerous to try to do this alone and you can't go on like this www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

And please be careful with your internet history, do everything related to this in private browsing even if you don't think he has access to your device, it's vital he knows nothing about what you're thinking or planning

Take his threats seriously, op. Two women a week die at the hands of partners/ex-partners.

I would make plans to leave with the help of domestic abuse services, potentially go into a refuge.

I don't normally comment on threads like this because I have no experience and usually experienced posters give great advice, as they have done here. What has prompted me to post is how frightened and unsure of everything you sound. Your terrifying husband has ground you down and confused you to the extent that you are questioning everything and seeking validation on things as basic as "Is he allowed to touch me because he's my husband". You really need to get out op. It's almost more worrying that he threatens you so calmly. Frankly, he sounds psychopathic. You must leave op.fir you and your kids. Do you have family to go to? Does he leave you alone in the house while he works? Could you seek help/get out then? Hie old are your children?

Crikey OP!! Get your children to safety

OP, how tech savvy is your DH? Would he know how to track your browsing history, put a tracking system on your phone, access your phone/computer? As a pp said, this is your normal but it is far from normal and, on the face of it, sounds like a potentially really dangerous situation. I think you absolutely must leave, but that will take a lot of planning and organising. Yes, it’s always good to have access to money and somewhere to go, but you may not be able to do all of that. You may just need to leave with your DC, passports etc and as many clothes/possessions as you can get out of the house. If he doesn’t become dangerous or unreasonable then you can easily go back and get things (with someone with you!) and he may agree to leaving the house. If he goes the other way, you need to be prepared and as far away from him as possible. Please contact WA or a similar organisation to get advice on leaving. Worry about the divorce arrangements once you’re safe (great if you can get detaiLs about his earnings/savings/pension etc but if he finds out you’ve been looking he may realise what you’re planning and try to stop you). Has he ever put his hands around your neck or anything like that? A hand over your mouth to silence you, that sort of thing?

There are some highly knowledgable posters who can tell you how to approach leaving and how to get away from a potentially very dangerous relationship. They will be able to give you contact details for help groups who can work with you to help you leave. Might be worthwhile doing a separate post.

DO NOTHING THAT MAY ALERT HIM TO THE FACT YOU’RE THINKING OF LEAVING.