I want to leave - but are these good enough reasons?

[Rainbowsocks85]

I’ve been married for 16 years and I have two primary aged children. I’ve never been fully happy, right from the start but I’ve managed to fill my life in other ways. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt as I should but I ended up getting married quite young as there seemed no way out of it. I know, I know, not great, but I was only 20 and dh is nine years my senior.

Anyway it’s not all been bad but I am so bored. Dh does nothing with us and now I’ve reached the point where I don’t want him to because I’ve nothing to say to him and it’s one long pretence on my part. He finishes work and lies on ‘his sofa’ with ‘his tv’ and puts on whatever it is he wants to watch and that’s it for the evening. It’s always been that way.
He talks to the children in a very over the top way, daddy’s prince, daddy’s princess, so precious, love my family so much etc. To me he says I’m never allowed to leave him, asks how much I love him, do I love him more than I used to? Less? As much? Grabs hold of me and says ‘who do you belong to’ that sort of thing.
He has a temper as well. Which sometimes will unexpectedly flair.

I don’t have a job or access to any money which is going to be very difficult. I don’t see how I can say to him that I want to split up - which he won’t want - and expect him to leave. I will have to leave with the children and I will have nothing. I was volunteering pre covid with the hopes of finding a job when my youngest dc starts school properly this September - but now I’m thinking that will be very difficult if the schools are in and out and there will be so many people after one job. I will try but who will want to employ someone who has been a SAHM for four years and is knocking on to boot. I’m not hugely employable even if accept I will have to take any job I can get and can’t be choosy. Dh earns a six figure salary. I know it’s my fault for giving up my job - before anyone says it. I’m aware I was an idiot.

Is being unhappy enough to want to leave? Feeling that I’m not who I was when I married? Is that good enough? When there are children involved? It feels massively selfish...I suppose because it is. I’ve checked out. I don’t know how to check back in. It’s always felt an unequal relationship where he holds the power, although maybe he doesn’t see it like that. We operate on a very superficial level. I don’t tell him things and I never have really. I presume it’s the same for him but I don’t know for sure. Having a discussion around it seems impossible when there’s no closeness there. We never have sex. He makes comments to me about certain things which I don’t like but perhaps if I actually wanted to sleep with him I’d like it.

Mean that you don't separate.

Sorry posted too soon!

OP you’re on edge because it is weird and it is very controlling. You are not a person in your own right, you’re his. He’s not seeing you as a person. His constant need for validation may well come from a lack of self-confidence. Sometimes people show that by being timid and introverted, other times they go the other way and become domineering and make he selves feel better by belittling those around them. They need to get external assurances that they’re a good person. If he felt secure in your relationship he wouldn’t have to constantly check you still loved him (which sounds exhausting btw!). With regard to the anger thing, he doesn’t need to do it often. You’re conditioned to “behave” so he doesn’t explode. You toe the line and there’s no problems (apart from his financial abuse and constant need for reassurance).

I really really wish we could stay here. The children’s schools are here and so are all their things. It would be so much easier for them - even if we eventually moved out. But short term - it would be better.
He often does things like grope me, or pretend to ‘hump me’ from behind as he walks past me. Which is weird as we never have sex. I don’t like that either - not the not having sex part, the groping me and the ramming into me from behind.
But all of this - If I loved him, maybe it would be ok? Maybe I’d like it?

The more you reveal the worse it gets...

More dominant ownership behaviour!

But - can it be ‘normal’ I have no idea because I don’t discuss these sorts of things with friends.
I don’t like it. I want him to take his hands off me, but then I’m his wife. It’s ok for him to expect to be able to touch me.

You have no access to money - that's financial abuse.
You're suffering coercive control and emotional abuse.
You could speak to Women's Aid and the Rights of Women and get support and advice.

You might be able to stay in the house and get him out in a divorce. Get some legal advice on the quiet. (You might be able to find a solicitor who does a free initial consultation). Your family might be able to help you out?

@Rainbowsocks85

But - can it be ‘normal’ I have no idea because I don’t discuss these sorts of things with friends. I don’t like it. I want him to take his hands off me, but then I’m his wife. It’s ok for him to expect to be able to touch me.

No, it isn't. It really isn't. Your body is YOURS and yours only. He has no rights over it. None.

But people who are in relationships - do they do that sort of thing? Perhaps assuming the other likes it?
He’s taken to slapping my backside when I walk past him too 🤮🤮🤮 but it’s especially bad if I’m bending over to pick something up etc. Then his arm goes round my waist and he makes like a whistling noise and pushes himself against me. 🤮🤮🤮🤮

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Will you not consider seeking legal advice here, after all knowledge is power.

Your children are not happy, what sort of man makes their son shake with fear?. Your children may have material things but emotionally their father is a void and they are seeing you as their mother are being abused by her husband. He is also not above groping you either, he really does see you as a possession to use and abuse as he sees fit. What are they going to remember about their childhoods. Do not make this their legacy because if you do your own relationship with them as adults will be damaged beyond repair.

Love your own self for a change and put you and your kids front and centre in your life, not your abuser. How can you be helped into leaving him?

Have you said you don't like it? How do you react when he does this?

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, you have taken a small but significant step by writing about this on here.

I have read many such threads over the years and yours is one of the very worst cases of coercive control I have read about. Your abusive husband is also a sex pest and trying to control you sexually is another tactic in his arsenal to dominate you.

I just move away. I haven’t out and out said it. He’d be angry i think. I think that’s why I haven’t said I don’t like it. And part of me feels he’s the right to do it.

I will get some advice. I just feel as though covid has made everything so much harder - all the things that would have been uncertain are even more uncertain.

🤢🤮

Nope never happened to me in a LOVING relationship.

May get arms around my waist and a kiss on my head (I'm very short ) or neck... and then he'll carry on doing whatever needs doing around the house!

You are his wife for now but you still have full autonomy over your body and no decent husband acts like a sex pest to his wife.

Attila even though we don’t have sex?
He doesn’t push that.

It's not unusual to be in this ambivalent place for many years and not be able to decide whether splitting up is the only way forward, or not. I'm one of these people too, I was dreaming and practically hallucinating about divorce and yet unable to do anything about it for many years. Very similar situation to yours in many ways, you can PM me if it helps. I'm in the middle of a divorce now, absolutely no regrets.

Given you're still undecided, I'd recommend a book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay which goes through the process of making a decision. There is a chapter on power which is about my husband, and I think it's about your husband too. There's every possible angle of a relationship inspected under the microscope in this book, I would be surprised if after reading this book, you wouldn't be able to decide what's right for you.

If you decide to leave, you will find a way. It's hard in practical terms because you don't work but it's not impossible, just takes more effort. You just have to prepare yourself for a year of shit, and go through with it. It'll be hard but nothing worth having comes easy. Once you have your divorce settlement, it'll be the first day of the rest of your life!

Where you say you are bored, explore if that's accurate. I think you are downplaying what's really going on.

I also don't believe that a relationship like yours can exist and carry on for a long time without affairs / intimate outlet. Perhaps you just don't want to talk about it here? (which is fine and understandable if you don't).

Thank you braver
Do you mean it cannot exist without intimate outlet because it’s so unfulfilling as it is?

I will download the book. It sounds interesting. Do you have children, if you don’t mind me asking.

If you're not convinced that his behaviour is abusive, call domestic abuse helpline (women's aid) who can help you to understand what's going on. It's damaging to the kids too, so the longer you stay the more emotionally damaged your kids will be when they grow up.

Yes, two children. 13 and 15y old.

because it’s so unfulfilling as it is

Yes, exactly, I would expect one of you to either leave or have other relationship(s) on the side to compensate. All this touching/groping as well, I'd take it as a sign of sexual interest. Where does the interest go if you don't have sex?..

He sounds utterly vile.

Look at entitled to for what benefits you'd be able to claim in the event of filing for divorce. Plus he'd have to pay maintenance, and if he's on a 6 figure salary then that will be a decent sum. Plus your share of pension and equity in the house.

Do you go grocery shopping on your own and does this cost come out of the joint account? If so, does he check the receipts? If not then cashback on your shopping is a really useful way to start to build up a cash stash. It won't be much but it will be something.

Could your parents house you temporarily until your benefits came through and you were able to find somewhere to live?

I would recommend this, Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist

He has a need for admiration and you are objects to deliver admiration. He is controlling.

If you decide to leave, plan before telling him. You will manage financially as you would be entitled to 50% of assets plus CMS.

What was his childhood like?

This little nugget of desire to get your true self back has come to you for a reason - hold onto it. Being unhappy is a perfect reason to want to change your life and having a happy mother will mean your children are happier too. Your DH sounds controlling and perhaps abusive (he controls you financially). He is NOT the boss of you and you are not his possession. You deserve to feel happy and you don’t have to stay with someone you aren’t happy with. He will have to support the children. Would your parents be supportive and let you stay with them?

Last night when we were about to go to sleep he said -
My princess. MINE. No one else’s. Mine. I’d kill them you know.
And I said who?
Dh - anyone that ever tried to take you off me. I’d find them and kill them and then I’d kill you.

It’s just said as a statement. It’s not shouted or anything. But I believe it. I also worry a bit that he could be someone who might harm the children out of spite - is that crazy? I have no basis for this, it’s just a ‘feeling.’

What a bloody freaky thing to say!!! You are being abused - emotionally and financially and controlled. You have no autonomy. You are his possessions and not his wife and children.

Speak to a solicitor and see what they say. He will have to contribute (with house, maintenance etc) and also go to entitled.com and find out how much you would get in benefits.

In the meantime, also look at doing some studying/or working part time. I was a sahm for over a decade and went back to work whilst also going to free workshops and then doing a professional qualification. At the time it was so daunting and as if I didn't have anything to contribute but a few years in and I have learned so much and I am so confident in my job.

Do you know what you would like to do? Have a look around and see what you would enjoy doing.