Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion, I am confused and sad.

[confusedandsad123]

I only found out I was pregnant two days ago, this was completely unplanned. I've got a DC from a previous relationship, she is 6. I am young myself, only 26. Boyfriend is also 26. We've been together 18 months.

Our relationship has been very up and down, mainly due to the fact he lives some distance away and is reluctant to move in with me and DD full time. He will come for a couple of weeks, then go back home again as he says he needs space and being with me and DD is a lot of pressure and he gets no time to himself. DD is currently staying with her grandparents for the week but is due back on Saturday.

When I told him he made it clear he wasn't ready to be a dad and we wouldn't be together if I kept it, but he will support me with whatever decision as it is my body. The last few days have been incredibly stressful, we've both said and done things we don't mean, but today he has said he will support me through an abortion and with helping with DD whilst it's happening but we won't be together anymore. I don't want him here because he feels sorry for me or feels pity so I've told him to go.

I don't really know why I am writing this, I just want to get it out and tell someone. I am 26, DD is 6 and I wanted to complete my family before 30 ideally. I didn't (and don't) want a huge age gap. I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married. I didn't want to be in this position facing being a single mum again. I am scared I won't meet anyone with 2 children to 2 different dads, I have found being a single parent very difficult at times. I am also scared of terminating, what the abortion will be like, how I will cope with DD being here, if it will be painful or gruesome. If I never meet anyone else, or have a baby in the future and the relationship breaks down and I become a single mum anyway, will I sorely regret this termination? I am just a mess of feelings and emotions. It's not fair to bring a baby knowing that one parent doesn't want it and it would take a time away from DD. I know the abortion is objectively the right thing to do, I just feel so sad and upset and I am scared I will regret this decision in the future.

OP what if you wanted a third child though? Wouldn't there be a big age gap between dc 2 and 3 and still a fair one with the child you have already aswell anyway? What if you were to meet a third man in your thirties who you love and have a third child with later? What we feel in our twenties changes and you cant possible speak now for the rest of your life. I was a very different person in my twenties to now in my thirties for example. How do you know you'd be done after 2? I don't agree that the biological clock stops ticking whatsoever that one pp posted stated. I think the feeling to have another baby doesn't always just go away for alot of women and we just have to stop due to circumstances and other factors .
Or you may have 2 DC later with a man you are in love with and they could be close in age. I think it is whether you feel you can raise this baby parenting more or less alone as well as the child you have. Logistics aside this has to be what you want op here and now.

I would keep the baby. When you’re entering your 30s the baby will be starting school and things will become easier.

I'm sure you feel a lot of anger at your BF but I actually think he's done you a favour here, although it might not feel like it. A lot of men would hang around without any real commitment or awareness of what they're getting in to, and then that would come out through an agonising train of ongoing problems in the relationship and family over the following years, for however long it takes until one partner finally gives up and leaves. He OTOH has been upfront about his limitations and that gives you clear information to work with and plan your life around, one way or the other.

I would say: What you're struggling with is not that unusual because families tend to be much more unpredictable things than we're led to believe by the stereotype of 1950s America. Anything can happen - you can struggle to conceive; partners can have different views on what they want; you can meet someone you're desperately in love with and is perfect in every way but they have an octuplet touring circus troupe that they want you to become stepmother to. You just don't know.

I've never been a single parent so I'm not going to presume to speak over the voices of those who have. But all a large age gap means is that your family hasn't progressed according to your preconceptions. As I say, families don't.

Remember too, you can HAVE all that - everybody born at exactly the right time with the right gender and properly set up in your suburban house with white picket fence and a dog. All perfectly going to plan. And then find that, once you go beyond external appearance to the reality of your family relationships, you all hate each others' guts and make each others' lives miserable, your husband cheats and your kids end up on drugs. It's hard to force through a plan about the externalities (as you're finding) but it's IMPOSSIBLE to plan for the emotional and interpersonal realities.

FWIW, when my DC was little his best friend in primary school had an older brother and sister 16 and 18 years older than him! Biological, not step families or anything. Parents had done the whole thing, raised their two kids right through to the point of leaving the nest . . . and then got a surprise. They loved him and he was a great kid.

How are you op

Hi OP I would be keen to know how you are getting on. I was in a very similar situation to you albeit my first baby at 35 and my boyfriend left when I couldn’t go through with a termination (I experienced severe delays too which meant that 8 weeks had passed by the time the procedure would be done as I had a hospital referral due to health issues). I kept the baby and I love her so much and have never had regrets. I’ve managed to relocate work wise closer to my family so I have plenty of support. I was well shot of her dad and now she is one I’ve met a really nice man. These flakey selfish men are just nothing in the scheme of things once the baby is here. Whichever choice you made, you will be ok.