Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion, I am confused and sad.

[confusedandsad123]

I only found out I was pregnant two days ago, this was completely unplanned. I've got a DC from a previous relationship, she is 6. I am young myself, only 26. Boyfriend is also 26. We've been together 18 months.

Our relationship has been very up and down, mainly due to the fact he lives some distance away and is reluctant to move in with me and DD full time. He will come for a couple of weeks, then go back home again as he says he needs space and being with me and DD is a lot of pressure and he gets no time to himself. DD is currently staying with her grandparents for the week but is due back on Saturday.

When I told him he made it clear he wasn't ready to be a dad and we wouldn't be together if I kept it, but he will support me with whatever decision as it is my body. The last few days have been incredibly stressful, we've both said and done things we don't mean, but today he has said he will support me through an abortion and with helping with DD whilst it's happening but we won't be together anymore. I don't want him here because he feels sorry for me or feels pity so I've told him to go.

I don't really know why I am writing this, I just want to get it out and tell someone. I am 26, DD is 6 and I wanted to complete my family before 30 ideally. I didn't (and don't) want a huge age gap. I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married. I didn't want to be in this position facing being a single mum again. I am scared I won't meet anyone with 2 children to 2 different dads, I have found being a single parent very difficult at times. I am also scared of terminating, what the abortion will be like, how I will cope with DD being here, if it will be painful or gruesome. If I never meet anyone else, or have a baby in the future and the relationship breaks down and I become a single mum anyway, will I sorely regret this termination? I am just a mess of feelings and emotions. It's not fair to bring a baby knowing that one parent doesn't want it and it would take a time away from DD. I know the abortion is objectively the right thing to do, I just feel so sad and upset and I am scared I will regret this decision in the future.

Marie Stopes and BPAS both offer counselling services.
Your boyfriend has shown who he is and it's time to get rid. Don't set targets of when to meet the right man and have children. That's just unnecessary stress.
Enjoy your DD and the fact that you can focus on her. Two children on your own would be difficult.

Don't worry about a gruesome termination. Assuming it's early days, you will be given a tablet. I don't know anyone who'd met the father of their kids by 26, it's very young. You've got absolutely ages to complete your family in whatever way suits you best.
^^
I had a child at 25, with my dh of 2 years at the time.
What a stupid comment.

Op: Do you want the baby? Can you provide financially and emotionally to two children?
It's your body, and nobody can tell you what to do with it. It sounds to me like your partner has a foot out of the door whichever decision you make, so I think either way it's something you have to do on your own.

He does work, he's been working from home since Covid hit. He also told me, when I told him about the pregnancy, that he's on a performance improvement plan with work. He didn't want to tell me as he knew I'd worry. So we're all a bit of a mess really.

I've already contacted Marie Stopes who are giving me a telephone consultation tomorrow.

How far are you in pregnancy? If it’s early on, you will need to take 2 tablets to terminate. You need to ring doctors asap.

@confusedandsad123

They are her father's parents.

I don't want to tell anyone else. I don't want this being something that other people are aware of and potentially bring up in the future, or weighing in with their opinions. I've been through an unplanned pregnancy once before and I think my family would judge me for being in this situation again.

There's no need to tell anyone you don't want to why you'd need them to take DD for a little while. Make it a positive thing for them and your daughter whilst you take some time for yourself after the termination.

Don't be too hard on yourself up OP. 🌹

If you go through with the abortion please dump him as well.

OP,

You need to sit down and think long and hard about what YOU actually want. Don't let people on her tell you what to do.

It's your body, your baby.

On the one hand you face raising this child alone. Im raising 3 alone, so it can't be all that bad and I'm the most disorganised woman you'll ever meet.

Also, remember the baby stage doesn't last forever.

If you keep the baby will you have support? Mom, dad, Siblings, grandparents even friends? Also if you choose to keep the baby your pitifully immature DP will have no choice but to step up and reap the consequences of what he's sewn. He will have to pay you maintenance, so you will be financially supported even if he wants nothing to do with the child.

You also need to decide about if your happy to wait and have a potentially large age gap between your kids. There's an 11 year age gap between my brother and I, I'm not going to lie, it's shit.

However, if you abort you must be 100% certain it's what you want and not what you're being pushed into.

If you do decide to abort, you have 2 options depending on how far gone you are.

Up to 10 weeks you can have something called a medical termination, you'll take 2 separate tablets 24 hours apart, one to stop the heartbeat of the fetus, one to make you bleed. The closer you are to the 10 week mark the more chance you have of it failing.

You will experience period like cramps which can be moderate to painful and the expelling of the fetus. You may also vomit or have diarrhea

The second option is a surgical termination. I have had this and it's not an easy ride. You'll need to fast the morning of your procedure, you won't even be allowed a drink beyond midnight the night before. You'll be scanned to see how far gone you are before taken into surgery when you can choose to be put to sleep or remain awake.

Your cervix will be opened via dilation and the fetus surgically removed.

You'll experience bleeding, slight nasuea and slight to moderate cramping.

I know all three options are difficult, each one a potential disaster in the making but if you do decide to terminate and your 100% certain it's what you want I can tell you that you'll cope with whatever it throws at you just as you will if you decide to keep the baby.

It's your decision. Make sure you go into any option well researched and with eyes open.

Best of luck OP. No matter what you choose, you'll be fine.

No matter what you decide, please dump and block the arsehole. He's shown his true colours ... it took two of you to make you pregnant, he knew the risks. His behaviour speaks volumes. Don't believe any sudden change to 'being nice' ... he's just trying to get what he wants.

Good luck with your telephone consultation. Make your own decision and proceed.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't go forward with another pregnancy under the current circumstances. You're young, you have plenty of time to find someone worthy and who wants to be a part of your life and grow your family. Don't give yourself imaginary timelines (like family complete by 30) because life doesn't work like that. Your existing daughter will be just fine if she's older when you grow your family.

It doesn't matter if you've had in unplanned pregnancy before, the only thing that matters is you do what is right for you. You have a dream of having your next child in a settled, committed relationship and you should absolutely do what you can to make this happen.

I think you're making the right decision. Only tell who you want to and who will be supportive but you should think about asking for some support with your daughter while it's going on. I'm not a fan of lying but i had a gynaecological problem last year that required a biopsy and I was in a lot of pain for a couple of days afterwards ( there was issues). I'm not saying you lie, just say you need to have a procedure and you're going to have to rest for a day or two? Maybe, anyway. You think about whatever suits you. Xxx

I think I will tell my mum I am unwell and ask her to come and stay here with me and DD for a couple of days. I am hoping Marie Stopes can give me the pills tomorrow and won't make me wait over the weekend. I am having symptoms, constant twinging in my stomach and lower back, and the constant reminder is making this so much worse.

It sounds really tough. He doesn't sound like a very good potential father or even a current boyfriend. I'm very pro-choice, but do make sure that this is your choice. Take him completely out of the equation and see how you feel.

I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married

That's not him is it.

You wanted your children by 30. How financially stable are you?

It's all well and good having a time frame in mind. .but you need to adjust that plan if you don't have things in place...like a commited partner and a stable relationship.

Thank you all for your replies. I've blocked him from my phone, I don't need his feigned support. I should've ended things months ago with all his none commitment to us living together and needing 'head space' and time apart crap. He was never a partner to me to begin with.

I just want to concentrate on my DD and give her a big squeeze. Spend the rest of the summer holidays doing fun, nice treats for us both.

I am financially stable, comfortable and with a few thousand in savings. I rent alone and I am looking to buy at the end of the year. That side of things is not an issue. But I do need to be with someone in a stable, committed relationship, who after 18 months and at 26 (approaching 27) is actually prepared to make the steps to make that happen properly. It isn't fair on DD to put her through this.

Oh, but in our earlier conversation he did offer to leave today and come back on Sunday. Or if I ring / text he will come back and help with DD until the abortion is finished. What an absolute twat.

Take what he said about suddenly being on a performance review for work with a very large pinch of salt. He's using it to influence your decision.

You might want to speak to Marie Stopes or BPAS - both offer pre abortion counselling to help you make a decision and feel more OK with whatever you decide. It has to be your decision and I think you need to try and make peace with it either way.

You partner sounds gutless and seems like you’ll be single either way, and that he is a co fusing presence for your DD (and you) anyway, so you need to decide whether you want to be a single parent again. It certainly won’t be easier with two, that’s the only certainty.

Something has to give in your life plan. Either the small age gap, the possibility of finding a decent partner, the idea of what a good/complete family looks like. Up to you to decide what’s more important to you.

Whatever you ultimately decide about the pregnancy, you do need to get rid of the boyfriend. He just sees you as a convenient fuck and not as a long term relationship, let alone a family.
I had an abortion after telling a boyfriend that I was pregnant and he replied ‘when are you getting rid of it?’ At that point he sealed his own fate, whatever came after.
The abortion was fine. Never regretted it. I have three kids now.

But I do need to be with someone in a stable, committed relationship, who after 18 months and at 26 (approaching 27) is actually prepared to make the steps to make that happen properly

The issue here is that you weren't on the same page. Not everyone is ready to settle down at 26/27 and it doesn't make them a bad person for not wanting what you do.

You said yourself the relationship wasn't going so well, but you ignored that and pressed on regardless...perhaps you thought you could change his mind.

It's not wrong if him to want space from you and your DD either...18 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

All to often we can ignore the signs because it's not what we want to see or hear.

His actions were telling you he didn't want to live with you...much less have a baby.

Not everyone is ready and it doesn't make him a bad person, no. I made clear from the off exactly what I was looking for in a relationship having already got a DD. But he kept saying if only I gave him 'x' amount of time he would be ready. I'd end things with him, he'd convince me to come back and send me listings on right move of places we could live.

I just can't believe we're in this situation. I might be being horribly unfair on him, my head is all over the place.

@SandyY2K

Why are you challenging the OP on a relationship you know very little about, she has already said they want different things and that she has broken the relationship off.

The OP needs support not comments that her bf doesn't even want to live with her much less have his baby.

You do realise it's the OP that's posting, not her bf that you don't know from Adam but seem to have assumed an awful lot about, to the point you're defending him.

If you think that you are going to regret a termination, I wouldn't go through with it. It is not something that you can undo. And your boyfriend has said that you are over whether you keep the baby or not.

I know plenty of single mums with more than one kid and they manage just fine.

Oh and the ones I know don't have problems dating either.

But he kept saying if only I gave him 'x' amount of time
This is a big red flag OP.
How much of your time did he want?
Did he think you should neglect your DD and just spend time with him?
Your DD comes first. If he can't accept that then it's a no go any way.

You have your head screwed on OP.
You are now taking action and positive steps.
I hope your call goes well tomorrow and you can make and informed decision that is right for you and your DD.

Argh! I keep posting too soon.

I don't know anyone who has had a baby and regretted it, but I do know of people who have aborted and regretted it.