Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion, I am confused and sad.

[confusedandsad123]

I only found out I was pregnant two days ago, this was completely unplanned. I've got a DC from a previous relationship, she is 6. I am young myself, only 26. Boyfriend is also 26. We've been together 18 months.

Our relationship has been very up and down, mainly due to the fact he lives some distance away and is reluctant to move in with me and DD full time. He will come for a couple of weeks, then go back home again as he says he needs space and being with me and DD is a lot of pressure and he gets no time to himself. DD is currently staying with her grandparents for the week but is due back on Saturday.

When I told him he made it clear he wasn't ready to be a dad and we wouldn't be together if I kept it, but he will support me with whatever decision as it is my body. The last few days have been incredibly stressful, we've both said and done things we don't mean, but today he has said he will support me through an abortion and with helping with DD whilst it's happening but we won't be together anymore. I don't want him here because he feels sorry for me or feels pity so I've told him to go.

I don't really know why I am writing this, I just want to get it out and tell someone. I am 26, DD is 6 and I wanted to complete my family before 30 ideally. I didn't (and don't) want a huge age gap. I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married. I didn't want to be in this position facing being a single mum again. I am scared I won't meet anyone with 2 children to 2 different dads, I have found being a single parent very difficult at times. I am also scared of terminating, what the abortion will be like, how I will cope with DD being here, if it will be painful or gruesome. If I never meet anyone else, or have a baby in the future and the relationship breaks down and I become a single mum anyway, will I sorely regret this termination? I am just a mess of feelings and emotions. It's not fair to bring a baby knowing that one parent doesn't want it and it would take a time away from DD. I know the abortion is objectively the right thing to do, I just feel so sad and upset and I am scared I will regret this decision in the future.

I don’t think you need to worry about the two different dad thing. You’ll have two kids - no one will care about their dna. Highly recommend some therapy to help you decide but I think you’ll need to focus on working out what support you will get as I am sorry but I think your boyfriend won’t be someone you can reply on.

@hellsbellsmelons

I know it was a massive red flag. He was, if anything, completely overly keen and over the top in the first 6 months, then he started expressing doubts about us living together so I'd end it... cue he would then start messaging me saying if I waited until (insert date or month here) he would commit to living with me. He never wanted or asked of me to spend time with him over DD. He embraced DD very well, he'd just say that it was 'a lot' going from being on his own to being around me and DD 24/7... we're just not compatible.

It doesn't really matter the state of our relationship (or none relationship as it is now). This situation is a lot bigger than any of that.

I do know people that have had children and regretted it. Absolutely. Its a bit of a taboo subject but they definitely exist. You do what's right for you OP, you seem decided in how you want to proceed.

OP, you really don’t need to put yourself under unnecessary pressure with artificial deadlines like completing your family by age 30.
Most mothers in Britain have barely started by then, much less finished!
I had my two DDs at age 33 and 35. DH and I had been together since I was 19, but I needed to establish my career and didn’t feel remotely maternal until I was about 31.
Large age gaps can work just as well or badly as short ones. An older child can help with the baby and may be very protective and affectionate to their young sibling. Closer together in age, DC sometimes compete and fight like cat and dog. You can’t tell.
Make whatever decision is right for you, after talking it through with the clinic. Don’t be swayed by what others did - their circumstances are not yours, and only you can know what is best for you. Sending a hug, and I’m sure it will all work out.

@Littlemeadow123

Argh! I keep posting too soon.

I don't know anyone who has had a baby and regretted it, but I do know of people who have aborted and regretted it.

I know people who have had a child/children and regretted it and it's absolutely unreasonable to claim that no one does.

i wouldn’t abort op having been in your exact position.

You can do it alone. you have time to think, don’t be too hasty.

Let it sink in and then think.

good luck x

Thank you for all of your lovely, kind messages.

Now that he is gone it has given me space to process and really think through this decision. I am swaying from one train of thought to the other. Whilst he was here it was very abortion focussed conversation, he seemed in complete denial if I am honest and I don't think he has even registered the situation or magnitude of it. As soon as I told him he started listing off reasons why he didn't want this, but would supposedly 'support me' no matter my decision. I didn't really have the chance to think this whole situation through whilst he was here, it is still very new, it's only been two days. I'm sure that's natural with these situations, pregnancy hormones probably aren't helping. I was highly pressured into having an abortion from DD's father and his family, I am so happy I had the strength and agency to make my own decision. I am going to have the telephone consultation tomorrow still, but I definitely need more time to actually process this.

So sorry you’re in this situation OP. At least you know you can’t rely on him to support you. He’s shown how flaky he could be through your relationship and is definitely a commitment phobe! You have so much time to find someone who deserves you and will treat you better. You sound lovely and very sorted with regard to buying a house and that’s not easy what with being a single parent at 26. Give yourself time to think about what you want to do.
At least you have the telephone consultation tomorrow so you can have a good think about it overnight.
Take care

@Sugartitties

i wouldn’t abort op having been in your exact position.

You can do it alone. you have time to think, don’t be too hasty.

Let it sink in and then think.

good luck x

Nobody should be telling the OP to abort or not to abort. It's wrong. What does your experience actually mean to the OP? In the OPs exact position? You think you know the OPs position from a few posts?

The OP should decide whatever she wants to do. Nobody else. Nobody should be trying to influence her either way.

@Lochie662

This is a public forum and offering an objective point of view isn't challenging...or do you think the only views should be those that say he's awful.

The OP needs support not comments that her bf doesn't even want to live with her much less have his baby.

Again...support also means honesty and showing the situation from other points of view, otherwise the person will find there's in the and situation again.

The OP said herself the relationship wasn't going great .. that she wanted him to move in and he didn't... that he wanted space after a week in her place..

When you're going to commit to a lifetime with someone...especially when there's a child already involved...18 months is nothing.

When he was heavy footed about living with you... you should have ended the relationship ...because his actions showed he wasn't ready.

Telling people what they want to hear is not supportive...it's collusion.

Any ounce of empathy I may have had for him has gone completely out the window, the man's a complete and utter arsehole.

Despite blocking his phone number he found a way to contact me on social media to try to talk things through with me. Basically just to reiterate how much of a disaster this would be for him and why I should have an abortion. Then told me the reason he said he'd go home today when I asked him and return on Sunday is because he has plans with his friends Saturday night. How anyone could have so little empathy is beyond me. No idea what I ever saw in him.

He's unbelievable op! And he sounds a million miles away from being ready to be a father too (which he saw for himself when living with you). Hope you're ok xx

The positive is from your ex is at least he has told you he doesn’t really want a baby before it’s too late. It could be a lot worse he is definitely not the right man for you OP. If you was to keep the baby how would this affect you work wise? What’s your family support network like?.

I personally would have a termination I can fully relate to not wanting age gap! My DS is 5 and I feel the exact way. It wasn’t planned but what I call tell you is I’ve maintained my job throughout and I know my life would of been a lot messier had I not of miscarriage in 2018. So looking back now I’m glad things went that way.

Also if you choose to keep the baby your pitifully immature DP will have no choice but to step up and reap the consequences of what he's sewn. He will have to pay you maintenance, so you will be financially supported even if he wants nothing to do with the child.

His "stepping up" might only consist of paying (being made to pay) child maintenance, that's all

And some men are quite good at avoiding, delaying, dragging out etc even that.

I would not have a baby in your circumstances. And a 6 year gap is already very large so you might as well wait until you are ready for another.

(Depends what kind of job he has, if it's a "career", if he's very conscientious etc in it .. my sister's ex kicked around odd jobs, unemployment, lower paid jobs than he could get, when he changed jobs to a higher paid one didn't tell the then CSA so his payment stayed the same, went into arrears on payments etc etc. She really got fk all of significance over those years. He moved in with a well heeled new girlfriend and had a nice standard of living in spite of being unemployed for periods and earning little the rest of the time.

What I'm saying is don't rely even on child maintenance. Even if he were to pay it reliably, it's quite low .. and if he has more children, or were to move in with someone with kids, it'll drop too.

@Littlemeadow123 plenty of people do regret their children but it’s still socially taboo to say so. A simple google search can confirm this is a fact. The reality is termination & parenthood are a personal decision & nobody can decide except for the Op.

Silly platitudes like “nobody regrets the children they have!” Are so false & unhelpful.

Was my abortion emotionally challenging & difficult decision? Absolutely. Do I regret it? No.

So sorry he turned out to be such an arsehole, OP.

I wouldn't worry about the having a child to two different fathers. My SIL has this, no one minds these days. She has had lots of men wanting to date her.

If you're having a termination make sure you're doing it for the right reasons (ie. what you truly want), and not because of what other people think or what he wants you to do.

Abortion is not as easy an option as some posters have made out, I am pro-choice and have had one myself, but I didn't get the right mental health support and have suffered the consequences. It was also far more traumatic and complicated than expected. I probably still would have had it, but I wish I'd got the proper support in place first.

Please do not take the advice of anyone untrained before you make this decision, because with your uncertainty I don't believe the nurse would go ahead at this point.

I hope you work it out x

I've just had my telephone consultation with Marie Stopes and they've told me that I won't be able to proceed for at least another 2 weeks as they need to give me a scan first. I had no idea that was even a thing to be honest, I thought I'd be able to get the pills immediately and just get it over and done with which I think I could've pushed myself through. I don't know if I can cope for another 2 weeks, let alone actually go through with it by that point, I've got DD returning tomorrow. I am already struggling with the symptoms and the gravity of all of this, let alone waiting another 2 weeks and having a scan. I had a scan with DD at 6 weeks so I am aware of what it looks like etc. whether the clinic shows me or not. I've also got to take care of DD for the next 2 weeks and I had started to experience morning sickness and fatigue very early on with her.

Does anyone know if this 6 weeks and having a scan is a hard and fast rule or if there is any chance of getting help earlier? I am wondering if I answered the medical questionnaire wrong. I am struggling to cope.

I am financially stable, comfortable and with a few thousand in savings. I rent alone and I am looking to buy at the end of the year. That side of things is not an issue. But I do need to be with someone in a stable, committed relationship, who after 18 months and at 26 (approaching 27) is actually prepared to make the steps to make that happen properly. It isn't fair on DD to put her through this

Look back to what you said . Your life as stated above will be so much better and secure if you follow through with this . Yes I get that people will say oh don't think about money /it's a baby blah blah but really life is so much easier when you are financially secure . Yes it is a difficult decision currently but I would hazard a guess much less so than all the years of shit going forward with this guy IF he decides he wants involved. You have years to have another child and with a father who wants it .

That’s not good enough. 2 weeks is too long to wait, that’s unacceptable. I’m not in your country but I would be calling them again & getting hysterical, because for me, if Marie stropes told me to wait two weeks it would trigger some kind of bipolar episode, I would go quite crazy.

Do you have planned parenhood in your country ? Can any GPS prescribe the pill you would need ?

I am not telling you what to do, but as someone who had an abortion & wasn’t offered a medical (pill) abortion & had a regular surgical abortion - get the pill if you can. I know in my experience no doctor or counsel or bothered to tell me I even had the medical pill option.

For many years after that was so angry at the medical system for how it treats women seeking termination.... you really have to be your own advocate

Also Marie stopes must have some duty of care, if you insist you cannot wait two weeks maybe they can offer alternative suggestion.

I’m so sorry you’ve been fobbed off to wait a fortnight. How fucking insensitive

Contact your GP ASAP to arrange a medical abortion. I can't believe Marie Stopes is making you wait 2 weeks. That's awful.

I don't know of there are other options but I do know that when I enquired at 4 weeks, I was told similar. The lady who spoke to me that it could be quite difficult to see and therefore assess the implanted egg that early and that they preferred 6 weeks plus when it would be visible.

I presume this is to confirm pregnancy, decide on best method and perhaps confirm that any termination worked .. I'm just guessing. Maybe someone with more knowledge can contribute.

OP you are so young and could easily meet a man you love and have 2 children close together in your thirties and then have your dd as babysitter on occasion. Honestly you have so much time and there is no need to rush. It really is your decision and you have to do what is right for you and your situation and nobody else