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Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion, I am confused and sad.

130 replies

confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 12:30

I only found out I was pregnant two days ago, this was completely unplanned. I've got a DC from a previous relationship, she is 6. I am young myself, only 26. Boyfriend is also 26. We've been together 18 months.

Our relationship has been very up and down, mainly due to the fact he lives some distance away and is reluctant to move in with me and DD full time. He will come for a couple of weeks, then go back home again as he says he needs space and being with me and DD is a lot of pressure and he gets no time to himself. DD is currently staying with her grandparents for the week but is due back on Saturday.

When I told him he made it clear he wasn't ready to be a dad and we wouldn't be together if I kept it, but he will support me with whatever decision as it is my body. The last few days have been incredibly stressful, we've both said and done things we don't mean, but today he has said he will support me through an abortion and with helping with DD whilst it's happening but we won't be together anymore. I don't want him here because he feels sorry for me or feels pity so I've told him to go.

I don't really know why I am writing this, I just want to get it out and tell someone. I am 26, DD is 6 and I wanted to complete my family before 30 ideally. I didn't (and don't) want a huge age gap. I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married. I didn't want to be in this position facing being a single mum again. I am scared I won't meet anyone with 2 children to 2 different dads, I have found being a single parent very difficult at times. I am also scared of terminating, what the abortion will be like, how I will cope with DD being here, if it will be painful or gruesome. If I never meet anyone else, or have a baby in the future and the relationship breaks down and I become a single mum anyway, will I sorely regret this termination? I am just a mess of feelings and emotions. It's not fair to bring a baby knowing that one parent doesn't want it and it would take a time away from DD. I know the abortion is objectively the right thing to do, I just feel so sad and upset and I am scared I will regret this decision in the future.

OP posts:
notenoughgintonight · 31/07/2020 11:54

Really feel for the position you're in OP. However I can give you my experience... I'm a single mum to three, two different dads. I CANNOT work, one DC has LD. My life basically revolves Round my children and the bare minimum amount of support I get. I have been in your position and had a termination in 2017, and I can honestly say it's the best decision I ever made. I have absolutely no regrets at all about it. If you're very early on the reason they may be saying 6 weeks is so that they can ensure the pregnancy is in the right place and they are carrying out the right procedure. My local nhs refused to terminate until 8 weeks so I went with bpas at 6 and 1. I was very upset and took my ex with me, wed had some weird break up sex and this happened, the woman did tell me she could tell ex who was with me that they couldn't do it but I knew it was the right decision for my other children too. I had the medical option, and passed the pregnancy at home. It did take me a few months to feel mentally 'normal' again but honestly I would do it again if I had to. (Have coil in now luckily). A baby will completely change your life as you know and being a single mum to more than one is bloody tough, it's not all rainbows. I love my children but I don't want my life to be wholly about my children and to define fully who I am.

perfectserenity · 31/07/2020 12:21

Yes absolutely standard procedure, they need to confirm a pregnancy before treatment and that means you need to be 6 weeks. They don't show you the scan but it's very emotional. The 'just take a pill' thing is touted about and is so dangerous. A medical (pill) abortion is not easy. I had mine at the earliest opportunity and felt pains similar to the early stages of labour (I've given birth twice). The result is also far far worse than any period.

I ended up having to have a surgical management because, despite passing enormous amounts, there was still retained tissue. The surgery was actually far easier

Original poster
confusedandsad123 · 31/07/2020 12:29

I've rang BPAS and they have been far more helpful. I had a telephone consultation within an hour of initially phoning with a proper midwife who talked me through the procedure and explained everything fully. The conversation with Marie Stopes seemed much more 'checking tick boxes' if you will. The midwife confirmed that they need to 'see' something before they can give you the medication, but she has got me in for a scan early next week and hopefully they will be able to 'see' something and prescribe the medication. Otherwise it does mean waiting longer and being booked in for another scan at a later date.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 31/07/2020 12:56

Go to your GP, make an urgent appointment (but keep the two week marie stopes appointment in the meantime). Look into buying abortion pills online from a reputable place.

jessstan2 · 31/07/2020 12:57

@confusedandsad123

I've rang BPAS and they have been far more helpful. I had a telephone consultation within an hour of initially phoning with a proper midwife who talked me through the procedure and explained everything fully. The conversation with Marie Stopes seemed much more 'checking tick boxes' if you will. The midwife confirmed that they need to 'see' something before they can give you the medication, but she has got me in for a scan early next week and hopefully they will be able to 'see' something and prescribe the medication. Otherwise it does mean waiting longer and being booked in for another scan at a later date.
That is very positive. BPAS are very good.
amiascrazyastheysay · 31/07/2020 13:09

@confusedandsad123 I'm a single mum of three here, by 2 dads. It's very very very hard. Massive difference going from a single parent of one, to having a newborn and another child on your own. Doing all the night feeds EVERYTHING, on your own.
As much as I love my kids (and I do with all my heart) part of me wishes I hadn't let my body clock guide me and that I'd waited until I was with someone who generally made me happy. I wouldn't worry about an age gap, it will all make sense when you meet the right person. That's my 2 sents anyways.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/07/2020 22:58

I don't know anyone who'd met the father of their kids by 26, it's very young.

This is such a weird thing to say... just bizarre Confused

I know lots of couples married early 20's.. great jobs.. had kids and are still married ... we're all early 50's now.... Grin

GisAFag · 31/07/2020 23:30

I'm a single parent to 2 DC, always been "by myself" a couple of boyfriends. No help from dc's dads. It's hard but not impossible.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 10:45

how are you OP 🌺

UsedUpUsername · 01/08/2020 10:56

The 'just take a pill' thing is touted about and is so dangerous. A medical (pill) abortion is not easy

It’s weird. It’s not just taking two pills. The pain can feel like being in labour, although some report it feels like period cramps.

IMO surgical management is much easier. At the early stage it’s over with quite fast.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 11:03

It’s possible I see the tablets as the easier option as I was left with nerve damage from a surgical abortion. My cervix was not good for years, the trauma made me not ever want to give birth that’s for sure ! I still don’t regret it, but it was more invasive than I had expected. Thank you for sharing that the pill abortion is not without it’s side effects too. That’s really helped me thank you. I was angry a long time that no doctor offered it to me.

am thinking of OP & hope she is ok.

UsedUpUsername · 01/08/2020 19:11

vikingwife

Truly very sorry that happened to you, of course while complications are rare, they are not unheard of in either case. I hope you’re recovered well

BumbleBeee69 · 03/08/2020 16:40

OP just checking in to see how you're feeling 🌺

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 03/08/2020 16:51

@MorrisZapp

Don't worry about a gruesome termination. Assuming it's early days, you will be given a tablet. I don't know anyone who'd met the father of their kids by 26, it's very young. You've got absolutely ages to complete your family in whatever way suits you best.
I married the father of my child when I was 21. We celebrate our 25th anniversary in a few weeks time. DS is 8.
romany4 · 03/08/2020 18:18

I don't know anyone who'd met the father of their kids by 26

I met my DH at 19, married him and had our 2 children by the time I was 25.
It's our 30th anniversary next month!

Original poster
confusedandsad123 · 04/08/2020 20:54

Thank you for all of your well wishes. The appointment is booked for tomorrow. I had my close friend over last night and talked through everything, she has had an early termination in the past so it was good to talk to her. She said she was 100% about her decision at the time and has no regrets. She does think of the terminated pregnancy at times, but she is very content and happy with her life now. She went on to have another 2 healthy pregnancies.

After speaking to her at length I felt like I was doing the right thing by going through with the termination, but today, as the appointment looms I don't know how I am feeling. I have intense feelings of guilt and sadness. At times I feel like this is absolutely the right decision, then I am rocked by the thought of the baby I will never hold, never know the gender of, never know what they would have looked like or how their personality would have developed. I was scrolling through social media earlier and saw photos of a newborn which made me tear up. Also telling my DD earlier how much I love her exemplified my feelings of guilt. I suppose this is all normal.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 04/08/2020 21:09

Good luck for tomorrow @confusedandsad123 Do not take the weasel back though! 💐

Sakurami · 05/08/2020 00:00

Lots of love op xxx

PinkMonkeyBird · 05/08/2020 12:42

Hope it goes well OP Flowers xx

jessstan2 · 05/08/2020 15:09

Thinking of you, confusedandsad. You have nothing to be guilty about and will move on from this.
Flowers

Yesterdayforgotten · 05/08/2020 16:30

Thinking of you op, Flowers nothing to be guilty of as you have to do what is best for you and your family.

Original poster
confusedandsad123 · 05/08/2020 16:52

I went for the appointment today. I was silent the whole way in the car with the weight of this decision, teary and cried whilst waiting for the appointment.

She did the scan and couldn't see anything, but she did see several cysts (one extremely large) on my ovaries which I had not known about previously. I am to come back for a scan next week. She advised me to take another pregnancy test, so I did a clearable digital, and it came back positive again but further along in terms of weeks so I am definitely pregnant. It's just too early to see. To be completely honest, when she told me we couldn't do anything today and I need to come back in a week I felt massively relieved and couldn't wait to get out of there.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 05/08/2020 17:02

OP you do not have to terminate ... please take this time to consider all your options 🌺

Original poster
confusedandsad123 · 05/08/2020 18:03

I honestly don't know how I am feeling. It was never in my plan to be a single mum again, two children would be a real juggle and I would have to rely heavily on my family. Logically, and looking at the situation objectively, I know the right thing to do is to terminate. It is just difficult letting go and grappling with the emotional side of everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedandsad123 · 05/08/2020 18:05

I also had some gynaecological issues last year, (abnormal cells, HPV+ requiring a biopsy). The birth of my DD was difficult, I have Group B Strep and didn't labour naturally, I had to be induced and then forceps. My period has been irregular since coming off the pill. Then finding out about these cysts today, there were a few along with a very large one. It makes me so scared that I might struggle to conceive 'when the time is right.'

OP posts:
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