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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend wants me to have an abortion, I am confused and sad.

130 replies

confusedandsad123 · 30/07/2020 12:30

I only found out I was pregnant two days ago, this was completely unplanned. I've got a DC from a previous relationship, she is 6. I am young myself, only 26. Boyfriend is also 26. We've been together 18 months.

Our relationship has been very up and down, mainly due to the fact he lives some distance away and is reluctant to move in with me and DD full time. He will come for a couple of weeks, then go back home again as he says he needs space and being with me and DD is a lot of pressure and he gets no time to himself. DD is currently staying with her grandparents for the week but is due back on Saturday.

When I told him he made it clear he wasn't ready to be a dad and we wouldn't be together if I kept it, but he will support me with whatever decision as it is my body. The last few days have been incredibly stressful, we've both said and done things we don't mean, but today he has said he will support me through an abortion and with helping with DD whilst it's happening but we won't be together anymore. I don't want him here because he feels sorry for me or feels pity so I've told him to go.

I don't really know why I am writing this, I just want to get it out and tell someone. I am 26, DD is 6 and I wanted to complete my family before 30 ideally. I didn't (and don't) want a huge age gap. I also wanted a baby with someone who was committed to me, either by living or being engaged/married. I didn't want to be in this position facing being a single mum again. I am scared I won't meet anyone with 2 children to 2 different dads, I have found being a single parent very difficult at times. I am also scared of terminating, what the abortion will be like, how I will cope with DD being here, if it will be painful or gruesome. If I never meet anyone else, or have a baby in the future and the relationship breaks down and I become a single mum anyway, will I sorely regret this termination? I am just a mess of feelings and emotions. It's not fair to bring a baby knowing that one parent doesn't want it and it would take a time away from DD. I know the abortion is objectively the right thing to do, I just feel so sad and upset and I am scared I will regret this decision in the future.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 05/08/2020 19:38

Don't waver, confusedandsad.

You've been strong so far. Do you want to be tied to this man for eighteen years?

madcatladyforever · 05/08/2020 19:42

I don't think abortion is a big deal physically at all OP. I didn't suffer at all.
I felt a bit sad for the baby I never had but got over it quite soon, better off without than being a single parent to more children I couldn't afford on my own.
He doesn't want kids at all and quite honestly I think you will resent him too much to continue this relationship. Find someone else who is kinder to you.

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 05/08/2020 19:56

I hope you find the peace of mind to make the right decision for you OP, whatever that may be.

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 05/08/2020 19:57

@jessstan2

Go to your GP, make an urgent appointment (but keep the two week marie stopes appointment in the meantime). Look into buying abortion pills online from a reputable place.
I personally wouldn't be buying abortion pills online!!! The whole point these clinics do it this way is to provide support and medical expertise should anything go wrong, which is a possibility!
itsme · 05/08/2020 20:08

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you make the right decision for yourself. X

Sakurami · 05/08/2020 20:20

Just dropping in to offer my support whatever you decide xxx

Foramen · 05/08/2020 22:25

I talked my then beloved girlfriend into having an abortion in 1970. I have spent the rest of my life regretting it. She left me months later because "she didn't think I wanted to be married". She was wrong about that but who could blame her? Think on.

Yesterdayforgotten · 06/08/2020 07:53

@Foramen but this isn't somebody talking op into it, this is her body her decision and a one based on lots of factors.

Foramen · 06/08/2020 08:27

Yes, fair enough. We had no such medical issues. Just youthful selfishness on my part - "we have plenty of time for a family later...". I just thought my experience was something to take into account. I'm NOT against abortion, just against it as a form of birth control or convenience.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/08/2020 09:14

Foramen I understood your sentiment 🌺

Yesterdayforgotten · 07/08/2020 13:03

@foremen I see what you are saying but op already has a child and knows what would be to come and the father does not want the baby; changing his mind possibly in years to come will not take away this is op's life here and now. I'm sorry for your experience and hope you have happiness now. You were young and did what was right for yourself at the time so be kind to yourself. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 07/08/2020 15:14

OP how are you ... 🌺

sausagefest9 · 07/08/2020 15:40

I was in a similar situation when I was your age.

I had one dc to my exh and got pregnant to my bf of 18months... we were living together I missed a few of my pills due to illness and I accidentally fell pregnant. He immediately said he didn't want the baby and said he'd sign over his parental rights blah blah blah I didn't want to be a single mum to two children and new my relationship was over regardless of what my choice would be (termination or keep baby). I ended up booking in for a surgical termination as I didn't want to have the pain and see the process of medical.... I didn't feel I had a choice... it wasn't until I was in theatre and was getting sedated that I felt I could actually keep the baby and make my own decision.... of course it was too late.... I woke up in recovery crying hysterically for a couple of hours..... my 'bf' didn't give two shits about any of it.... we ended up breaking up a couple of months later... and he moved to another country.

However I don't regret the termination and feel it was the right thing for me. I wouldn't have been able to have the security and career I have now and would have a child with a father that had nothing to do with it.

In saying that...
Don't let random people on a forum sway your decision one way or another.... we can share our thoughts and stories but no one is in your shoes and knows your exact situation.

Sorry you're in this situation.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/08/2020 22:26

Ok you do need to think carefully. I only say the following as it's quite clear that a big part of you doesn't want to terminate. And to have a termination that you don't want is something you need to take some time to think about.

For all the reasons others have listed above, terminating is a sensible and logical option - most of all, so that you wouldn't be tied for 18+ years to a man who has shown himself to be thoroughly unsuitable. Even if you didn't stay together, you'd have to deal with him on some front... and remember, that could include him becoming enthusiastic and wanting very much to be in your child's life, possibly not in an entirely positive way.

BUT.

You know you want more children. You have also said that you don't want a huge age gap. There's also the potential worry about gynae issues and conception.

If you terminate, you are pretty much definitely going to have a big age gap. If you don't end up with at least a ten year age gap (ie give it another three years at least) until you conceive again, then it's a given that you will have got pregnant to another man that you will by definition only have known for a couple of years at most. I'm not sure that's a better position to be in tbh.

There is also always the possibility that you don't meet someone decent easily. Then, you'll have that looking over your shoulder panic - I MUST find someone, I'm getting older, I want another baby. Meaning that as time goes on, you're more likely to settle, or choose poorly, because the wanting a baby and a sibling for your DD will get more and more important.

If you kept this baby, yes, you would be a single mum again (not what you wanted) and this particular idiot would indeed be the dad, in or out. However - you would have had your second baby, and (presumably) completed your family (or at least had a second baby) with the minimum age gap you're ever going to get, now. You're so young that that would mean that the pressure would be completely off - and, thinking in terms of choosing men wisely for your whole life in the future - that's not a bad place to be. It would mean that you would go into your late 20s thinking - if the right one comes along, great. If he doesn't, I don't have to panic about meeting him and pushing the relationship to baby stage asap. That's a strong position for you to be in as the mum of two children.

Also - you'd be so young having finished with the baby stage that, although as you say you'd initially really have to rely on family, by the time you were 32, you'd have them both in school and could be flying career-wise: again, no pressured thinking on how you will end up going right back to square 1 at some point because you know you want a 2nd baby. So that initial difficulty might more than balance itself out by ending up in the rather nice position of having got all the expensive baby stage out of the way before you even hit your mid 30s.

But by far the most positive effect of taking this raod, to me, would be the fact that you would not spend the next few years a complete hostage to unsuitable men because you know you want another baby and time is marching on. To be freed from that requirement is a very, very good place to be.

So. You COULD choose to look at it that way. You could also very sensibly terminate, concentrate on your DD and accept that yes you will have a bigger gap, maybe just one child. That too isn't a disaster.

Good luck.

confusedandsad123 · 08/08/2020 09:12

@FizzyGreenWater

Thank you for your comment.

This is what I feel like a lot of people who say, 'you are young you can have children in your mid-30s' don't understand. Yes, a lot of women don't become mothers until they are 35+ these days, but I am already a mother. I don't want to have a 15 year old and a newborn. My focus the last 4 years since splitting with DD's dad has been to meet someone, settle down and have more children. Whilst I don't want to be a single mum, I also don't want to spend my 20s, 30s and 40s bringing children up. At the moment I am doing a typical 'mum with young children' job, it is well paid and fits around school which is why I do it, but it doesn't give me the opportunity to meet new people or career satisfaction. I don't feel able to start a career because I know I want more children in the near future. It is like my life is stagnant and I am just waiting in limbo, hoping to meet 'the one' and have more children. And yes, this does lead to me putting an awful amount of pressure on myself and pressure on relationships too.

It's not a good situation to be in. This whole situation I have found myself in with an unplanned pregnancy is no good. And it is very easy for those who had children mid-30s or who never had to deal with the prospect of a HUGE age gap to say to terminate as I have 'plenty of time'.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 23:42

Honestly then, I would probably say you should have the baby.

Another way to look at it is - either way is kind of a shot in the dark. If the gamble turns out to be a bad one, which regret would be worse?

  • You have the baby. Ex turns out to be a wanker and makes life difficult, is the worst case scenario I can think of.
  • You terminate. But, you don't end up meeting someone else for a LONG time/you meet someone who is another complete dick and end up as a single parent again, but 5 years down the line/ you, for a whole range of possible reasons, never actually have another child.

I would say the worst case outcome, ie the one carrying the bitterest regret, would be terminating and then never having another child.

I would say that you could find having this child very hard (but then, you do know what you're getting into, you've been a single parent all the way through AND your older child is in full time school...) - and still, the advantages of ticking off that second child/family and having a clearer path to a stronger career AND not feeling that you're continuing to be caught in the bind of 'I need to meet someone and have another baby' - even if it were REALLY hard I imagine you could still say to yourself that it is likely that you still made the right decision.

Your gamble on termination only works out ok if you meet Mr Right in the not too distant future and have another baby.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 23:43

And, as I've said, the only reason I'm saying all this is because you clearly don't really want to terminate at all. If you did, it would be a done deal. But you don't. And while the emotional reasons are important, it strikes me that your logic is also pretty strong. You are actually thinking career/future here, and you have a good point.

Talk to your mum?

FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 23:45

See you've even got a baby-friendly job at the moment. Hmmmm. And you're right in the middle of primary school routine/mum friends with similar age babies/baby group links at the moment. Really, in any other circumstances, there couldn't be a better time to have the baby.

MumInCrisis123 · 09/08/2020 23:46

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2155User · 09/08/2020 23:58

@MumInCrisis123

I've reported you. 3 threads I've seen you on in the last 10 minutes where your responses are foul.

LilyWater · 10/08/2020 00:23

OP I really think you can keep this baby. You have family nearby and you said yourself you dont want a big age gap. Those saying "you have loads of time" have no way of telling your future and there are many women who suffer from infertility issues, including secondary infertility (just look at the infertility boards on this very site). Most of them would never have thought fertility issues/infertility would affect them (who does, we just take for granted that we can have kids). Many many women are single parents of multiple children , you're in no way alone. Make sure you claim everything you're entitled to, and the father is also liable to pay CMS for the child he helped create. You can get through these younger child years in your 20s and then have plenty of time to look for a suitable guy. There are also various organisations offering help for pregnant women and mothers (Google), please don't rush and make an irreversible decision Flowers

LilyWater · 10/08/2020 00:35

Also agree with another poster that you wont have a ticking biological clock following you around once you have your second child which is a HUGE advantage. The pressure to find the right guy and relationship while going through various men, and then waiting for them to be on the same page regarding commitment while aware you're time is running out to have the kids you want is not an enviable place to be as a woman. I personally know a lot of women in this situation, including some perfectly lovely women who sadly ran out of time to have the family they wanted Sad Are you honestly going to regret the baby themselves once they're here and in your arms? That's the other way of thinking about it.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/08/2020 01:05

I wouldn't have a baby in these circumstances OP. Early abortions are almost always very straightforward and described as strong period pain. While I agree it's better to have someone with you, you will be ok alone if you go ahead.
At 26 you really do have years ahead of you. I appreciate ideally you didnt want a large gap but you already have a fair gap?
Sorry you're going through this, it's a really difficult decision to make. Keep your appointment until the time comes and be aware that you may keep changing your mind during that time.

jessstan2 · 10/08/2020 01:18

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jessstan2 · 10/08/2020 01:37

@jessstan2

Your boyfriend is not committed to a full time relationship with you. Don't have another child, please! You already have one and she will be fine on her own and will be fine if you meet someone later on and have another baby. Try to think of your family as complete and enjoy being single!
That.

Good luck op.

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