Mum has heavy bleed, due to anxiety of us visiting?

[Lickmylegs0]

Mum is very stressed, anxious - and suffers from IBS, which has flared up in the past couple of weeks. We were due to visit today, but DM phoned to say she had a heavy bleed this morning - and she thinks it’s due to her anxiety over us visiting today. I feel awful that I’ve caused her this much upset. She still wants us to go, but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to cause her to bleed. If I say no - she’ll also be upset.

She is due a blood test tomorrow, is refusing to make a GP appointment, and will only see one particular doctor.

I wouldn't go and don't feel guilty it's not your fault it's her anxiety that she needs to sort . Don't ever think you have done any of that . I grew up like this with my Nan and it's made me an anxious person

Am sorry it sounds really upsetting for you, but is she saying she's stressed and had a bleed because you are coming, but also of you don't come she'll be very upset (and likely also have a bleed?)

I’ve just spoken to her. She says - so long as we don’t expect her to do anything - she’ll be fine. We never have any expectations - we always bring food and are very low maintenance.

Unfortunately, she won’t sort her anxiety - or take medication. I’m pleased she’s having the blood test though.

What was she like to you growing up op ? I'm sorry I'm sounding so harsh but was she controlling. ?

Yes, she’s always been controlling. It’s difficult to say - she has always had these traits. It’s worse now as she gets older. I felt like I needed to please when growing up, and behave as she wanted me to.

I was also wondering the same as, gryffindor1987

Do other people cause her such anxiety that she bleeds? Or just you?

We have anxiety/MH issues in our family. We know a lot of people with anxiety/MH issues. Refusing to deal with it and refusing to see the doctor whilst allowing your anxiety/MH to impact on others is unacceptable.

@Lickmylegs0

I’ve just spoken to her. She says - so long as we don’t expect her to do anything - she’ll be fine. We never have any expectations - we always bring food and are very low maintenance.

So does that mean you do everything for her when you are there? And she does the dying swan on the sofa? How old/active is she?

My DB rarely visits and DM has never liked my sister in law. No problem when they do visit. My DSis get more grief and visits quite frequently. I think I get the most extreme anxious reaction.

What WarmSummerEvenings wrote.

I doubt if the "stress" of you visiting would cause her to have a heavy bleed; she is using her health to bash you about the head with. Do other people indeed cause her such anxiety that she bleeds?. Or just you?. You are being manipulated here by her and I would cancel the visit in any event. I would also look into dialling right back all levels of contact you have with her.

You do not mention your dad here; where is he?.

I would also consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages because I think that you would fit right in there.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.
Controlling behaviour like she has and continues to show you is abusive behaviour and is done out of wanting power and control. You in turn seek her approval, approval she will never give you.

She’s 75, swims everyday. She’ll want to be in control of everything we do when we are there. My DD, DP do go along with this - but DD can vocalise against this. She seems much happier when they are not there. If it’s just me and my DS.

My Dad passed away year and a half ago.

And do you not wonder either why your DB rarely if ever visits?. Women like your mother see other women as competition or a threat. She has likely tried to play the three of you siblings off against each other over the years.

What if anything do you know about your mother's childhood, that often gives clues.

She does give lots of approval, verbalises that she loves us all very much. Lots lots of sweet things for the children, her house is full of toys (she’s kept all our old toys).

Yes - we’ve always been played off each other. During my twenties - often told I was ‘the favourite’ but I recognised this was manipulation. Didn’t believe it as such...

She tried to keep us as children for as long as possible, very upset when we moved away.

I am sorry to read about your late father. He probably kept his wife in check to some extent.

re your comment:-
"My DD, DP do go along with this - but DD can vocalise against this. She seems much happier when they are not there. If it’s just me and my DS".

That comment above is also a red flag, she does not like your DP or DD. Have you never wondered why your mother is happier when they are not there?. Fortunately your DD can vocalise against this but none of you really should be seeing her as readily and particularly in her own home. Your mother may well be playing favourites with your children and already may have a golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on in her head. She is now 75; your mother likely behaved similar to you people when you were children. Such women do not change and she was not a good parent to you all when you were growing up either.

IBS does not cause heavy bleeds. She needs investigations for bowel cancer urgently

I would just visit for a couple of hours, if you are traveling a long distance, I would stay in a hotel and do things during the day with her or reduce the duration of the visits to hours rather than days.

I would think that you do not treat your children now in the ways that your mother treated you all as children.

She is buying your kids affections with toys and sweets; she is really trying to undermine your own status here. Actions too speak louder than words, look at her actions closely. She was pissed when you as adults moved away from her; she wants one of you to look after her in her old age.

We do now only go for day trips. DD (and DP) get a pep talk about ‘just go along with what she says’. I do think it’s IBS and she over exaggerates, based on past symptoms (and she’s had investigations).

IBS and anxiety do not cause heavy bleeds. All these conditions she imposes on herself like only seeing one particular doctor, probably serves to make her feel more special (that person is the only one who understands her). My MIL is of a not too dissimilar bent.

I’m just angry that the anxiety of our visit - when we do our very best to placate her - has caused a ‘heavy bleed’.

Thank you all - and @AttilaTheMeerkat.