Mum has heavy bleed, due to anxiety of us visiting?

[Lickmylegs0]

Mum is very stressed, anxious - and suffers from IBS, which has flared up in the past couple of weeks. We were due to visit today, but DM phoned to say she had a heavy bleed this morning - and she thinks it’s due to her anxiety over us visiting today. I feel awful that I’ve caused her this much upset. She still wants us to go, but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to cause her to bleed. If I say no - she’ll also be upset.

I’ve been thinking about your messages over the past few days. The narcissistic traits are there, as for dementia - I’ve considered this before, but I think she fits a few - but not most of the criteria. She had a blood test on Monday. I asked her to let me know how she got on. She didn’t, so I contacted her. I asked when she would get her results. She didn’t reply to this. She never contacts me, unless I contact her. My current thinking is to message on a fairly regular basis. To let her know I’m here, and I care. But I think she needs to initiate our next visit. The day after, I was completely drained, upset and exhausted. I felt my every movement and action was being analysed negatively while I was there. I want to support, but - if I simply make her more anxious - I’m not sure what else I can do?

Have you heard of the grey rock method of communication?

It is where you give very little information away to someone and divert the conversation onto them.

If you feel like you must constantly let her know you care (you don’t by the way, but I bet you feel terribly guilty if you don’t- a classic narc mother trick) then send the messages but when you talk to her, don’t give her any details about your going’s on. Everything is fine, nothing as changed, all good with you.

Without information, there is nothing to critique.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Plus, have a look here

Those post-visit symptoms are because you were in a state of hyper-vigilance throughout the visit, you were flooded with adrenaline. It’s a physical response.

I have a suspicion that what you see as 'support' and when you 'listen to the negative calmly, rationalise it - and turn it into a positive.' you're actually feeding her anxiety. Stop listening to it so intently. Stop giving it so much air time. Stop debating issues. Stop justifying yourself. Tell her that you don't want to discuss it. 'Where the car is parked is not an issue, I don't want to discuss it any further'. Rinse and repeat.

"Support" doesn't work with people like this. It just feeds their anxiety and they want more and more and more of you. She doesn't need you to keep checking on her, she needs some therapy to help her deal with her anxiety (she won't ever agree to this btw, in part because she gets something out of being anxious - attention from you).
Grey rock technique is your best shot here.

She had a blood test on Monday. I asked her to let me know how she got on. She didn’t, so I contacted her. I asked when she would get her results. She didn’t reply to this. She never contacts me, unless I contact her. My current thinking is to message on a fairly regular basis

Wow she has you dancing to her tune doesn't she, she refuses to engage and you run after her faster. Do you not recognise how controlling she is OP, ringing you to tell you all about how anxious your visit is making her, so much so she is bleeding at the thought of it, bit insisting that you must visit, she will soldier on. You need therapy not to increase calls and texts she refuses to acknowledge.

My current thinking is to message on a fairly regular basis. To let her know I’m here, and I care

I understand where you're coming from with this, OP. I used to go through periods of doing the same - it was almost as though I thought wrapping her with care and love would somehow "heal" her and make her less anxious. But it never has. In the end I settled on calling her once every 10 days or so and our calls are very grey rock.

I try not to give her any details that she then grabs onto to fuel her anxiety. It's not possible to have an ordinary conversation even about life's little trials without it provoking a sort of narcissistic anxiety in her. It's draining to keep having to reassure someone that everything is ok. Sometimes I wonder if it's made me into a person who doesn't really take care of myself because I have got so used to dismissing everything as not very important so as not to cause my mother sleepless nights.

She knows you are there & she knows that not contacting you makes you anxious and more likely to dance to her tune.