Mum has heavy bleed, due to anxiety of us visiting?

[Lickmylegs0]

Mum is very stressed, anxious - and suffers from IBS, which has flared up in the past couple of weeks. We were due to visit today, but DM phoned to say she had a heavy bleed this morning - and she thinks it’s due to her anxiety over us visiting today. I feel awful that I’ve caused her this much upset. She still wants us to go, but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to cause her to bleed. If I say no - she’ll also be upset.

Oh god. You post brought back so many memories of being constantly on edge to get things right.
The problem was, you have no idea what is right and what is right today is. It what is going to be right the next time. The goal posts would have changed.

All designed to keep me on edge and on my toes, dancing the please her dance.

I looked at the stately homes thread. Was the light bulb moment when I realised I wasn’t the problem.

I am non contact now. Bloss

Bliss

Thank you so much, I shall look into all these things. I really thought I’d be ok yesterday if I approached it with positivity, emotional resilience and a sense of humour. I’m totally drained. Apparently DM had the ‘best day ever’.

I really thought I’d be ok yesterday if I approached it with positivity, emotional resilience and a sense of humour. Yeah...no that doesn't work. Nothing works. The behaviour is designed so that nothing "works", because the behaviour is her dynamic for dealing with the world. It is how she moves through life. Nothing you do will EVER mitigate it. You will kill yourself trying.

The problem was, you have no idea what is right and what is right today isn't what is going to be right the next time. The goal posts would have changed. (waves to Aussie)
Exactly.

I just spoke to my sister about it, and she thinks I get the brunt of her anxiety. I seem to trigger it? I’m not going to suggest that we visit again, I’m going to leave it until she asks.

I’m sure you’ve encouraged your mother to seek some help for her anxiety. Why would you think you trigger it? How did she cope with losing your Dad? How did you?
I think your decision is the right one, I’m guessing the rest of your family found it difficult seeing you so stressed. I used to do that ultra-positivity act, along with coaching the kids to be passive. I thought that was the right thing to make them happy, sadly it don’t make them happy, there would always be something commented on a short time after.

Doesn’t not don’t. Autocorrect is maddening!

"I just spoke to my sister about it, and she thinks I get the brunt of her anxiety."

Or maybe your sister deals with it differently?

My dad is ill-dementia & my sister exhausts herself believing every little piece of crap that comes out of his mouth.

Sympathising & tryig to draw out more details.

Phoning me in a state.

You need to not get drawn in.

My father had a condition, and they had a fixation that they would only see one particular doctor for treatment. This doctor was incredibly busy - and my father died while waiting for an op (doctor didn’t see his need as urgent). I was pg at the time, but hadn’t announced my pregnancy as I’m older, and knew they would both be anxious about my health. I thought this could cause added stress on my dad - and I’m actually very pleased I didn’t announce my pg after his death - as I would have felt partly to blame. I was 6 months pg when I told DM (I hid it well) - she actually took the announcement very well, and I think excitement over DS helped through the grieving process. We all live a distance away - and DM refuses to move - or visit us. Even if we drive to pick her up, and take her back.

She has a huge house/garden to manage - but refuses any help, is very territorial. If anything is put in the wrong place it causes massive anxiety.

My sister is more confrontational - and will challenge any nonsense. I tend to be compliant.

I’m sorry about your dad, what a very stressful time.
Your sister visits her though, and that goes ok? Does you DM have friends? I can understand her not wanting to go far if she’s worried about her IBS.

" I tend to be compliant."

So more agreeing with her nonsense & feeding it to an extent?

Sister finds it difficult, and has in the past said “I’m never going there again” - or left it for a few months before visiting. Recently her visits are ok. DM knows lots of people in local area, and has a daily activity where she talks to people.

I don’t think I feed her nonsense - I tend to listen to the negative calmly, rationalise it - and turn it into a positive.

I’m very sorry to hear about your dad, that’s terrible.

She clearly has fairly sizeable mental health issues. Including anxiety and apparently some OCD tendencies.

It’s difficult with older people who won’t seek therapy - there’s nothing you can do.

I’d just be detached, take a firm line with her, and limit the amount you see her.

My aunt who now has dementia, lived in a big old house, refusing to move etc. We did eventually have to move her when she became too much for her carers. We were so concerned that the move would devastate her, but she’s so much happier now she’s in a good care home. If I had my time again I would have moved her much earlier.

We followed prevailing wisdom that it’s best for old people to stay on in their homes as long as they can, I don’t think that’s true any more.

OP I hope you have a nice day today, you did your duty yesterday, try and find something good to engage in. You can’t fix your mother. Keep in touch with your sister and your brother, support each other.

@TatianaBis thank you! Yes it’s the fear of a devastating move. She hoards - and every item in her house has a history, and deep significance. No - she absolutely won’t seek help, won’t take medication.

"I don’t think I feed her nonsense"

Perhaps it is just the way you have written on here-as if you believe that you have caused your mum to have a bleed.

@Fanthorpe thank you so much!! Yes I plan to do nothing today.

Never heard of heavy bleeding being a part of IBS... She sounds very manipulative.

"We followed prevailing wisdom that it’s best for old people to stay on in their homes as long as they can, I don’t think that’s true any more."

I think that's a good point tbh.

Much as my dad loved his house & we thought that the move from it (had to go into care due to dementia), would send him into a decline, the responsibility of it was weighing him down.

the responsibility of it was weighing him down

Yes, and I think they don’t realise the extent of the burden. How stressful it is to manage a property on their own.

My Mum was always a bit like this, it got worse as she got older and an argument could arise out of the simplest comment. Eventually, when she became violent, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I am aware that 'it could be dementia' pops up on MN every time odd behaviour in an older person is mentioned but my mother's manipulative behaviour hid the obvious behaviours that could have helped an earlier diagnosis.