Mum has heavy bleed, due to anxiety of us visiting?

[Lickmylegs0]

Mum is very stressed, anxious - and suffers from IBS, which has flared up in the past couple of weeks. We were due to visit today, but DM phoned to say she had a heavy bleed this morning - and she thinks it’s due to her anxiety over us visiting today. I feel awful that I’ve caused her this much upset. She still wants us to go, but I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to cause her to bleed. If I say no - she’ll also be upset.

Yes I would be concerned about the "heavy bleed" that sounds very concerning.

I do understand, op. I have a depressed and anxious mother and to say it has blighted my life is a massive understatement.

Re your comment:-

We do now only go for day trips. DD (and DP) get a pep talk about ‘just go along with what she says’.

Even a day trip is too long. Do you give DD and DP this pep talk, you are trying to appease your mother here by doing that and that does you no favours either. I would think that saying that to them too makes you feel crap also. Why should they actually meekly go along with what she says?. Have you never asked yourself that question?.

Read about fear, obligation and guilt OP and see how much of that relates to you and your siblings re your mother.

DD (and DP) get a pep talk about ‘just go along with what she says. How old is your DD? I think there's a fine line between being "kind" and your daughter being taught you have to concede to emotional manipulation. You probably have had this in spades growing up so will be hard to change your thinking on this.

I would say that there was a reason she phoned you up to tell you about her ‘heavy bleed’. Work out what motivated it, and you’ll know how to respond. Sounds like your DM is a master in the art of manipulation though. I’d be inclined to call her bluff and not go today.

I bleed when anxious, have had investigations and it’s soully anxiety. I never tell anyone though and never would!

DP and DD are both very strong characters, very bright - they can do the meek pretence for the visit - but DD is otherwise very in charge/expressive - my relationship with DM is nothing like my relationship with DD (I’m pleased to say!)

I'd be very suspicious of this and would call her bluff by not visiting and refusing to visit again until she has sorted the issue with her GP.

After all, if your presence is so anxiety inducing that she becomes physically ill, the responsible thing to do would be to not visit.

I’m about to set off, but I do agree with the call her bluff stance. I think my DS and DB would do this more so - and don’t get this crap!

Her childhood = very long monologues about playing in fields and meadows/how life was so much better when she was young etc

So if you're about to set off and still visit today, what is your plan for the future?

Because acknowledging the situation but continuing to play your role in it is only going to result in the same outcomes in future

I feel a bit stupid but what is 'a bleed' in this context? Vaginal bleeding like menstruation??

Sorry, but are we talking about a heavy bleed from her back passage..? Caused by anxiety? I have IBS which is very much exacerbated by anxiety, but if I was bleeding from my bottom I would be extremely concerned about bowel cancer or other serious issues and would be urgently seeking medical attention. Is it definitely true? Have you considered munchausen’s given her other mental health issues?

"Her childhood = very long monologues about playing in fields and meadows/how life was so much better when she was young etc"

Thought so. Was wondering in terms of how her own parents treated her as a child?. That often gives clues hence me asking.

You need to get off the merry go round when it comes to your mother OP because she will continue to play you like she always has done otherwise. Indeed continuing to play your assigned role here will lead to the same outcome.

Your mum had a heavy bleed because she is an elderly woman with a chronic condition that sometimes causes heavy bleeding not because of your impending visit. Do not allow her to emotionally blackmail you with this.

Your mum needs to be investigated for ulcers, IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) and bowel cancer.

IBS should not cause significant bleeding.

Emotional blackmail, pure and simple.

I wouldn't have gone, you're enabling her behaviour by doing so.

Also unsure about site of bleeding, both myself and my DH (who has very high anxiety problems) have IBS and diverticularlitus, diverticulitus can cause rectal bleeding, its certainly not caused by stress, its mainly age related/contipation, making pocksts in the bowel. IBS yup, stress can make that worse. Let us know what the bood test show up. I agree though with other posters emotional blackmail.

Yes, her parents also part of this idyllic world, she never speaks badly about them. I do believe she had a happy childhood. She’s now beside herself with excitement about our visit. Think I’m going to have to play this game but stay emotionally detached.

Diverticulitis is a good point.

Essentially OP she needs internal investigations such as colonoscopy not just blood tests.

She sounds very like my mother:

Having favourites and playing them off against each other
Using health issues to control others
Exaggerating health issues
Long monologues
"Anxiety" often used as a means to control
Emotional blackmail
Making everything about her, always.

I haven't spoken to my mother in nearly 6 years and I think she has a lot of traits of narcissistic/histrionic personality disorder. (Not armchair diagnosing, just as a way to describe her). My therapist, while underlining that he couldn't diagnose her, said he thought there were many NPD-like behaviours.

You don't want to hear this now, I didn't at the time because it was too overwhelming, but Atilla once said to me, "you will never have any peace while your mother is in your life" and it was true.

DM is obviously an anxious soul, the control mechanisms are to try to control her anxiety and environment. If she wants to see you nonetheless, I’d just go along with it.

But do make sure she gets further testing.

Think @AttilaTheMeerkat is incredibly wise

Yes @OrangeBlossomsinthesun I think you are right, and it does scream NPD traits to me, although I’m no expert.

Personality Disorders, thrown around here like confetti, are serious mental health diagnoses resulting significant disruption to work and personal relationships.

What is generally meant is simply that the individual is narcissistic. Many people are.