Ex husband's new wife wants me to change my surname !

[Amberskies2020]

This really annoys me!!! I was married to my ex for 24 years and his new wife is furious that I've kept my married surname. I kept it so that I had the same name as our children, plus it's what I've been known as for half my life !

Ex and I despise each other and do not talk but this has been put in a lawyers letter.

Did you feel pressured to change your name after divorce ?

That's a fair solution SpongeBob but changing a child's name requires both parents to sign the forms and OP's ex doesn't sound like the type to agree.

Just remembered that the ex is double barrelled though.

How is it appropriating the term, when 'maiden name' is the descriptor for the name you had before you were married!

It isn't. That would be 'family name', 'surname', or simply name. It's not an announcement of whether or not you're a virgin. Ugh.

I've never heard of a jealous new wife asking this before . Just laugh at her insecurity. Why should you have to change your name if you don't want to!! I'm divorced, ex is remarried and I've kept my name as it's the same as my daughter's

Mrs X the second - I am howling at that.

How dare she/they make such a request.

Oh you could have so much fun with this if you could be arsed.

As the original Mrs X and knowing how much a name change would mean to you I did momentarily consider it, but no.

I think Mrs X the II is original if that is any consolation.

Regards.

Mrs X

I went back to using maiden name as anything that reminded of him made me feel sick after he tried to financially ruin me in divorce.

I kept my married name when I divorced as I'd had it for almost 30 years so I felt it was mine. It was same name as kids plus I was known (and still am) professionally by that name. I have now remarried and have taken my new husbands surname personally but professionally kept old married name.

In addition I now have same first (shortened) name and surname as DH first wife 😀 no one cares.

I wonder how much is costs to get a solicitor to send a letter like that and how hard it is for solicitors not to look at unreasonable clients like this ?

@Netflix. My daughter at this point was old enough to not need her DH's permission. I think by this time, she might have been 16.

DF, not DH. Doh.

Sorry for late response. Work for emergency services so not around on my PC much.
Very interested to hear all the feedback and comments and I've taken a long while to read through all of them, so thank you!
It does seem that many of us divorced folk have kept our married names ... mainly for ease.
Also... like so many on here... my maiden name sucks ! LOL!

Ive kept my married name having been divorced for over 10 years. My DP has an ex wife with his name but it doesnt bother me..

Her attitide says a lot about her insecurities doesnt it

"Maiden" or for that matter "virgin" doesn't have to apply to sexual status - take virgin olive oil for example, it doesn't mean the un-virgin type has added bull semen or something . It means pure or new. That's appropriate for the starter name you have in life; it doesn't (have to) mean "the name you used before you had sex" (!).

Saying "'family name', 'surname', or simply name" doesn't work because any of those could refer to your current name, rather than the name you had before you changed it upon marriage. You'd have to add a prefix to make it clear you were talking about family of origin. So why not just use the perfectly good word we already use for the purpose which everybody, well, nearly everybody, understands?

Eurgh. Things between DP and his ex are atrocious and they were only married a year, yet I would never even dream of sending a letter from our solicitor asking her to change her bloody name. And I'm not going to lie it does bug me that she has his name but it's the name of their son and it's a part of her history, it would be like asking her to erase a part of who she was.

Ultimately it’s her choice either way but there’s no need for all this hate towards the new young wife based on this alone.

Completely agree. There is a lot of hate, and it is hate, not just ridicule, towards the new wife. It does look like ‘ha! See you can’t just have his name as I don’t have to give it up’ - like there is an extra bonus for pissing off the second wife which is pretty mean.

I don’t see ANY ridicule of the ex husband!

OP ignore the letter which will wind them up even more

You should advise, via their solicitor, that you will be keeping your surname as it is the family name of your children. However, if his new wife wants a different surname to you, then perhaps her and your ex husband should change their surname to something different!

I don’t see ANY ridicule of the ex husband!

Probably because he is not the one demanding the OP changes her name.

It is probably this text that sets the tone for how the New Wife is seen... She then wrote to me via his phone and said "you need to accept that you are divorced! I am the new Mrs X now !".

I've not seen any hate, only ridicule - because she is being ridiculous.

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age.

Re: the letter, don't sink to that level and just ignore.

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age

If you marry and don't take your husband's name, whose name should any children have? The majority of women give the children the father's surname, even when unmarried, and I think that should change. All having the same surname kind of makes sense - the only person with a different name being the mum doesn't, really.

So why not just use the perfectly good word we already use for the purpose which everybody, well, nearly everybody, understands?

The reason some people find it repulsive is precisely because they understand it. You can argue about olive oil until the cows come home; it's not dissimilar to the argument that human mammals are not a sexually dimorophic species because ... clownfish. I.e. it's tangential, and completely irrelevant to the main point. 'Maiden' in the term of women means only one thing. And that is a broadly understood definition, which is exactly the reason it's used less and less often and looks anachronistic and mildly quaint in this day and age.

But if this needs breaking down and dissecting to this extent it's likely an understanding will never be possible.

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age

There is that. So do I, but I'm all for other women doing and calling themselves whatever they wish, as long as they don't try to foist their preferences upon me. Unfortunately, that's the sticking point. A lot of them can't seem to resist doing this. And yes, it is mostly women.

@category12

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age

If you marry and don't take your husband's name, whose name should any children have? The majority of women give the children the father's surname, even when unmarried, and I think that should change. All having the same surname kind of makes sense - the only person with a different name being the mum doesn't, really.

Double barrelling both names or choosing a new name together are a couple of options if you all wish to have the same name. But I actually believe children should take the mother's name, rather than the father's, if both parents decide to keep their own name or they can be given both names. Defaulting to the father's name for children is wrong and sends the wrong message to our children, especially our daughters.

The patriarchy survives because many women do things like this without question. Fuck that!

We double-barrelled, but would have chosen a new name together if the double-barrelling didn't work. Or he could have taken my name

In the case of the OP, now you have his name, I think you should probably keep it, due to having children with that name. But my advice to unmarried women would be never to do this and also to use Ms from the off rather than Miss or Mrs.

I did change my name on marriage because I do like us all having the same name. My DH was an only child, whereas I have siblings, so I think it would have hurt my ILs if I'd asked DH to change his to mine.
We had a child before we were married and I did give DS my name. I do agree that the mother's name should be the default. I felt very strongly that having been pregnant and given birth, that the baby's identity should be linked to me - what if DH and I hadn't stayed together? It pisses me off that men are somehow seen as the most important parent when it comes to naming.

Keep your name if you want OP, it is your name, you changed your name , it was not bestowed upon you to be reclaimed at will by your Ex.

I hate this embedded acceptance that men have a name for life and women re-label themselves with every new man, and will change their name yet again if they re-marry.

Fine, everyone needs to make their own free choice but until men are just as likely to adopt the same name as a women, and until the parents of daughters are allowed to be upset that their surname is ‘dying out’ it isn’t a neutral choice.

And please, OP, think about the implications of the much mentioned ‘Mrs X The First / original’. All that does is buy into the sexist notion that women are off shoots if the great dynasty of men.

I would not even bother to rack up your own legal bills by replying through your solicitor.