Ex husband's new wife wants me to change my surname !

[Amberskies2020]

This really annoys me!!! I was married to my ex for 24 years and his new wife is furious that I've kept my married surname. I kept it so that I had the same name as our children, plus it's what I've been known as for half my life !

Ex and I despise each other and do not talk but this has been put in a lawyers letter.

Did you feel pressured to change your name after divorce ?

So she’s a prostitute? Is she still working?

In fact does she know for certain that the baby is actually his?

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age.

Do you usually struggle to understand things that have repeatedly explained?

I was married in 1994, divorced 2006 still have married name.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

How is it appropriating the term, when 'maiden name' is the descriptor for the name you had before you were married!

It isn't. That would be 'family name', 'surname', or simply name. It's not an announcement of whether or not you're a virgin. Ugh.

Sorry but you're wrong - 'maiden' means unmarried. Not virgin. (In past years the two things might be the same, but it's not what maiden means.)

Definition of maiden noun from the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary:

maiden noun
/ˈmeɪdn/
/ˈmeɪdn/
(literary) a young girl or woman who is not married
stories of knights and fair maidens
(also maiden over) (in cricket) an over in which no points are scored
TOPICS Sports: ball and racket sportsC2

@SoupDragon

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age.

Do you usually struggle to understand things that have repeatedly explained?

If someone was punching themselves in the face and they explain why they want to punch themselves in the face. I would also say that I don’t understand why they’d want to punch themselves in the face.

So I guess the answer to your (however facetiously asked) question is yes, I do struggle to understand when I read repeated explanations that make no sense. I don’t understand why any woman would want to take a man’s name when it tells our children that somehow men are more important when their father’s name is passed on and not their mother’s name. I’m clearly not satisfied with any of the answers, because I see myself as an absolute equal to men and I would like my daughter to grow up believing that too and questioning the bullshit, such as taking a man's name, that stands in the way of that.

If someone was punching themselves in the face and they explain why they want to punch themselves in the face. I would also say that I don’t understand why they’d want to punch themselves in the face.

If you really consider this to be an appropriate analogy, I'm not surprised that you can't comprehend the explanations. You may just have to accept that other women feel differently even if you truly cannot grasp why.

Out of the choice between my father's name and my husband's, I decided I'd rather have the name of the non-abusive man to whom I chose to be related. But it's not beyond my wit to understand that other women in their own circumstances might feel differently about it or why. Thanks to my father, I actually do know what being punched in the face feels like and it's very different to deciding to take on a pleasant-sounding name with good associations for me.

@ShebaShimmyShake

If someone was punching themselves in the face and they explain why they want to punch themselves in the face. I would also say that I don’t understand why they’d want to punch themselves in the face.

If you really consider this to be an appropriate analogy, I'm not surprised that you can't comprehend the explanations. You may just have to accept that other women feel differently even if you truly cannot grasp why.

Out of the choice between my father's name and my husband's, I decided I'd rather have the name of the non-abusive man to whom I chose to be related. But it's not beyond my wit to understand that other women in their own circumstances might feel differently about it or why. Thanks to my father, I actually do know what being punched in the face feels like and it's very different to deciding to take on a pleasant-sounding name with good associations for me.

I apologise, my analogy was a little crass.

But, your only two choices weren't between keeping your abusive father's name or taking your husband's name. You could also have taken your mum's name prior to her marriage, or started a new family name altogether.

How will we ever change anything if continue to accept the status quo.

But, your only two choices weren't between keeping your abusive father's name or taking your husband's name. You could also have taken your mum's name prior to her marriage, or started a new family name altogether.

But that was still my grandfather's name, although I loved him dearly so that wouldn't have bothered me. From a feminist perspective, though, I can't see a benefit.

I suppose we could have chosen a new name together just to make a point but neither of us felt the need. He liked his name, I didn't like mine and was happy to take his. The choice was mine, he wouldn't have minded what I did.

I completely understand why some women prefer to keep their name and I respect that.

@Sugartitties

i think it’s a little sad when the ex wife keeps the name. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t go back to your actual name after divorce. Small kids bring the only good reason. School is the only place I use my married name. It was pointless really as my daughter wants to drop her surname for my maiden name and when she’s older will change it by deed poll.

My married name IS my actual name. Nothing sad about it. It's our family name and it defines our unit. Of which ex H is not a part of.

Not sure if this thread has moved on, but answering the ops question. The first time I divorced I kept the name, just couldn't be bothered to change everything.

This time I changed my name back to my maiden name, I just needed a clean break.

No idea why

Anyway, it shouldn't affect the 2nd wife if you keep your married name or not.

Your choice 😊

@ShebaShimmyShake

If someone was punching themselves in the face and they explain why they want to punch themselves in the face. I would also say that I don’t understand why they’d want to punch themselves in the face.

If you really consider this to be an appropriate analogy, I'm not surprised that you can't comprehend the explanations. You may just have to accept that other women feel differently even if you truly cannot grasp why.

Out of the choice between my father's name and my husband's, I decided I'd rather have the name of the non-abusive man to whom I chose to be related. But it's not beyond my wit to understand that other women in their own circumstances might feel differently about it or why. Thanks to my father, I actually do know what being punched in the face feels like and it's very different to deciding to take on a pleasant-sounding name with good associations for me.

I'd go to the wall for your right to call yourself whatever you want, but if your surname was your abusive father's because he had it first, then you weren't taking your husband's name. You were taking his dad's, or whoever he got it from.

I'd go to the wall for your right to call yourself whatever you want, but if your surname was your abusive father's because he had it first, then you weren't taking your husband's name. You were taking his dad's, or whoever he got it from.

Well yes, that's true. It's also why taking my mother's maiden name didn't strike me as being any different; it's still just her dad's name, which was his dad's name, and so on and on. Point is, I wanted to.

Tell them you'll only change your name if the children change their names too - you want the same name as your children!

If she doesn’t want to have the same name as you then she can keep her maiden name. Your ex could change to hers if they want the same name as each other. It’s really not your problem!

Haven't ready the whole thread, sorry, so not sure how old the children are, but it can be annoying to have a different name to them.

A cousin of mine (who kept her maiden name) was once accused of 'trafficking' her own daughter when the two of them came back from visiting her parents abroad and they were kept in a side room at the airport for hours until immigration managed to get in touch with her husband (the child's father). Child was only 3 at this point, it was late at night and she was tired, hungry and thirsty so spent most of the time crying and screaming.

@ShebaShimmyShake

I'd go to the wall for your right to call yourself whatever you want, but if your surname was your abusive father's because he had it first, then you weren't taking your husband's name. You were taking his dad's, or whoever he got it from.

Well yes, that's true. It's also why taking my mother's maiden name didn't strike me as being any different; it's still just her dad's name, which was his dad's name, and so on and on. Point is, I wanted to.

Well it's different because one is the name of your forebears whereas your husband's is the name of someone else's. Anyway I support people's right to call themselves what they like, but double standards are a no no.

Well it's different because one is the name of your forebears whereas your husband's is the name of someone else's. Anyway I support people's right to call themselves what they like, but double standards are a no no.

Well we're joined now and have continued the bloodline, if we're going to go all Game of Thrones about it, so our daughter has the name of her forebears. Frankly I hope she takes after his, mine are a bunch of prats. Whatever she wants to do in the future if she marries is up to her.

I don't consider it double standards because it was something I quite actively wanted to do without any outside pressure.

The double standard is referring to a woman's name as her father's but her husband's name as his own. That is a double standard regardless of the feelings of any of the people involved.

It's all patriarchal, tho, isn't it? Unless you make up a new family name of your own, whose ever father's name it is you use.

Change it, but double it. So if you're Smith now, make it Smith-Smith. Ha!

@category12, must it only be patriarchal? Iceland allows matronymic choice, even for boys (and non-binary). I think, in effect, a new family name is created, based on the previous generations' first name.

Zilla1, Sure, Iceleand's system is different, but the options given in previous discussion were keeping your own father's name, or taking your husband's (father's) name.

It doesn't have to be anything if you're willing to break with tradition and do your own thing. I wasn't advocating patriarchal conventions.

I know category12 and you were right. I just thought it an opportunity to mention to others that there are different ways. Names are, in effect, social conventions and I suppose divorce amplifies emotions. I've seen some MIL have firm opinions about ex-DIL's surname and then get angry if grandchildren's surnames change. I vaguely recall some Arab societies constrain people (women) from taking their partner's family names and, in effect, claiming a greater family's reputation (I'm sure someone with direct knowledge can correct me).

This is why you should keep your own name when you get married.
28 years married and having my own name has not caused any great confusion or angst to our kids, schools etc - only to my late MIL

Snap. My MIL used to make an issue of it, but she's stopped after 20 years.

@SoupDragon

I find it difficult to understand why a woman WANTS to take a man's name in this day and age.

Do you usually struggle to understand things that have repeatedly explained?

A bit harsh (again). Just because something is repeatedly explained doesn’t mean it makes sense, or is correct.