Ex husband's new wife wants me to change my surname !

[Amberskies2020]

This really annoys me!!! I was married to my ex for 24 years and his new wife is furious that I've kept my married surname. I kept it so that I had the same name as our children, plus it's what I've been known as for half my life !

Ex and I despise each other and do not talk but this has been put in a lawyers letter.

Did you feel pressured to change your name after divorce ?

Grab all the social media handles for Mrs amberskies so she can't have them. And for your children in case she nicks them all.

It's presumably the same name as his mum, too. Someone bought me a glittery thong with "Mrs Married Name" on it as a hen party gift. I showed it to my husband and he made a face and said, "That's my mum's name!"

Apologies OP, didn't mean to derail. Am going to bow out now

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

But this isn't about pre court negotiation. It's about not writing letters with the purpose of implying that people should do what they have no legal obligation to do.

Maybe it looks unethical to me because it is unethical.

Yes it is, because the changes you have said you want to see would inevitably impact pre court negotiations. Couldn't not. And you're doing it again now, because asking people to do things they're not legally obliged to do is what a lot of negotiations before the court stage essentially is. You don't understand the area you're talking about or the implications of what you're saying.

I mean I'll give her a sticky star for the brass balls to ask! 🤣

I kept ex-h surname. I dropped Mrs for Ms. But so me and DS aged 5 had the same name on passports, and also when form filling for NHS or School it all just matches and is easier.

I also like the surname far more than my maiden name, so I'm keeping it. It's my name and I like it. I'm also professionally known as Maleficents Crow, sometimes referred to just as "crow" as my first name is common and the surname uncommon. So when we multi agency work people know which "Maleficent" they are referring to or need to e-mail or call.

I would however OP reply to the solicitor.

No thank you

Mrs (enter name here) The First. The Best, The Original.

i think it’s a little sad when the ex wife keeps the name. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t go back to your actual name after divorce. Small kids bring the only good reason.

What? Sad? Why?

I changed my name at age 24 on the occasion of my marriage, as I was legally entitled (but not obliged) to do, to match that of my husband. 25 years later we divorced. I saw no reason then and see no reason now for going through the additional disruption of changing the name I had been using for more than half my life. It is my name - I changed it and I can decide whether it suits me to change it again. It is also, as others have pointed out, the name of my children, three of whom were young adults at the time of the divorce, and one was secondary school age. There were enough ticklish emotional issues what with XH telling them I was running away from all of them to live with a younger man and similar cute tricks; calling myself a different name from the rest of them would really have widened that rift, perhaps beyond the point of repair. And besides - I had more than enough on my plate already. I was exhausted. One more battle could have finished me off.

Not changing your name back because you want to keep a connection to your ex may be a trifle sad, I'll grant you (depending on the circumstances). But the point is, it's your choice. Maybe you can't understand why someone wouldn't want to change back. I can understand why someone would want to, but it doesn't work for me. No "good reason" necessary. I don't want to and I don't have to, so I don't.

Besides, I like this name, this one I legally changed to, which I have now been using for 35 years, better than the original one. Even XH isn't mad enough to turn up on the doorstep requesting that I stop calling myself by the same surname as his. He wouldn't dare, actually. He'd be afraid I'd throw a chicken at him. (I have form for this.)

If you’re ready to have your own separate identity, then agree.

This might be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN.

@IceCreamSummer20: The notion that women automatically take their husbands name upon marriage is so

Oh, I emphatically agree. I'm one of the ones who didn't, but it's amazing how often certain people who know fine well what my real name is persist in addressing me as Mrs Hisname to put me back in my box. I've been married all of 15 years.

It's even less fathomable how often women willingly appropriate the gruesome terminology 'maiden' name. It's all over this thread, as though it comes naturally to people, but it's really gross. My name is no more my father's name than my brother's is. And it certainly isn't an indication of my sexual status. That whole idea is loopy. When was that kind of distinction ever used for a man?

@ShebaShimmyShake

It's presumably the same name as his mum, too. Someone bought me a glittery thong with "Mrs Married Name" on it as a hen party gift. I showed it to my husband and he made a face and said, "That's my mum's name!"

And that is precisely the reason I didn’t change my name when I got married!

In my opinion there is no point to annoy your ex and his wife. Changing surname would be the first thing for me to be honest regardless how many years we have been together but that’s my personal opinion.

But it wasn't the first thought for the OP, who wants to keep the surname, so anyone else's views on what they'd do post-divorce are irrelevant. I'd never have changed it myself in the first place, so the situation wouldn't have arisen, but it has here and that's what actually matters.

Also, there's a huge point in annoying two people that batshit, especially if doing what they wanted would cause you any inconvenience at all.

"In my opinion there is no point to annoy your ex and his wife."

But Op isn't doing it to annoy anyone.

It's her name & she can keep it!

I got married in my early twenties. I wish I hadn't changed my name. Especially since DH is now a stbx DH due to an OW situation. I would desperately like to change my name, possibly to one of my maternal line surnames, but a) all my professional stuff is set up in this name and b) the kids are upset and questioning if we're still a family enough without me playing silly buggers with our shared name.

None of this makes it any less hurtful that a couple of weeks after the marriage ended he demanded in a very stroppy tone if I would be keeping "his" name. Which had been mine for over a decade and most of my adult life to that point. Because obviously I hadn't been rejected enough at that point. Fucksake.

Aaaaaanyway. I concur with the endless replies to solicitor plan. Great idea

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

It's even less fathomable how often women willingly appropriate the gruesome terminology 'maiden' name. It's all over this thread, as though it comes naturally to people, but it's really gross.

How is it appropriating the term, when 'maiden name' is the descriptor for the name you had before you were married!

Yes, it's anachronistic in the current day. It's a bit like you used to be asked what your 'Christian name' was, instead of your first name. But unlike this example, there is no other word (yet) to replace 'maiden'.

'Family' name instead of 'maiden'?

I'm amazed the solicitor can legally send you that if I'm honest.
She sounds jealous and possessive.

It's nothing to do with her. If you want to keep the name, then keep it and ignore her.

@MacduffsMuff

If you’re ready to have your own separate identity, then agree.

This might be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN.

You must have missed a few threads then!

There are a few of us who don’t understand why the OP wants a name that is no longer hers.

Ultimately it’s her choice either way but there’s no need for all this hate towards the new young wife based on this alone. She could deserve hate for other reasons, of course, but not just because she’s 20 years younger and has married a divorcee.

There are a few of us who don’t understand why the OP wants a name that is no longer hers.

There are lots who don't understand why a few can't grasp that it is her name. It's not difficult - the name wasn't borrowed.

The ridicule (I can't see hate) is the request for OP to change her name. She could have had this name longer than her maiden name and have a professional career based on this name. It is far from unreasonable to want to share a surname with your kids.
The first rule of divorce is you can't control the other persons behaviour. You can't make them behave calmly and reasonably so you need to find a way to let it go or trust in the legal process for finances and contact. The OP has the right attitude in laughing about this rather than getting enraged.
Perhaps men should encourage the women that they marry to keep their surname so that when they divorce this issue doesn't arrive.

There are a few of us who don’t understand why the OP wants a name that is no longer hers.

It is her surname permanently. It's not a temporary name while she's married. Anybody can change their surname by deed poll so why doesn't the ex consider changing his if it irks his new wife that OP is keeping the name? People don't have unique surnames.

There are a few of us who don’t understand why the OP wants a name that is no longer hers.

Why is it no longer hers? He doesn't own the name, he wasn't graciously allowing OP to use it. She took it, it's hers, it became hers as soon as she started using it.

I am always at the scorn directed at women who chose to change their name at marriage, but even more by this weird insistence that the names we took are never really ours. My married name is as much mine as my family name was pre marriage- more so in many ways as I made an active choice to have it, no one imposed it on me.

It is not illegal to keep your married surname, when you are divorced. There is no law to say you have to change it back to your maiden name.

Ultimately it’s her choice either way but there’s no need for all this hate towards the new young wife based on this alone. She could deserve hate for other reasons, of course, but not just because she’s 20 years younger and has married a divorcee.

Well first of all, the response has been aimed at both the new wife and XH. Plus ridicule is a better description than hate, as a pp pointed out. But it's been entirely deserved, because they have done something hugely arrogant and stupid. They've asked another adult to vacate a name, in a free country where anyone over 18 can choose what they're called, and they've spunked money on doing it too. That's hilariously pathetic.

Sure, they've a legal right to ask. But it's going to go absolutely nowhere, the odds of the solicitor not having told them what a stupid thing it is to do are minute, and the whole thing is crying out for derision.

Where has the OP gone? FWIW, I jettisoned XH's name as soon as I could. Because he was an abusive arsehole, and I wanted to spit every time I had to sign it. If I'd wanted to keep it, I would. Then I thought that I had left DD 'stranded' with his name, and my name would be different, school ishoos yada yada. She took the decision to double-barrel my name with his, partly to carry on with the family name, as she was deceased DF's only grandchild.