Marriage issues related to lack of sex and DH generally feeling rejected

[WorriedMummy2020]

Me and DH are both early 40s. Been together 20yrs + and married for 12.
Two kids who are 4 and 8. History of infertility/fertility treatment/pregnancy loss.
My libido took a hit all through that as I hated my body for not conceiving and losing pregnancies. Then came a difficult birth and two bad sleepers as babies.
I have never had a strong libido. DH's has always been higher. Pre TTC the Pill killed my natural libido. DH would never refuse sex unless ill but I very rarely instigate it. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I don't keep total track but whatever he wants more. I so rarely feel like it. Most time when we do it I get into it and DH is very giving and I usually climax but sometimes I just kind of go along with it. When I enjoy it, it doesn't leave me wanting more the next day. DH gets moody and hurt when we don't have sex for a while and says he feels rejected. His mood changes when we have had sex recently.
I just never feel like it other than once in a blue moon. We've had sex maybe 10 times max since lockdown started. I'm not having sex with anyone else (!)and rarely masturbate.
I'm so sick of the arguments. DH just doesn't get why I don't want to do 'something easy, free, normal and loving' as often as he does. He takes it as a rejection and yet another sign that I don't care for, love or respect him. I can see why but I feel so stressed with childcare and household stuff despite DH doing his fair share (we have no other family support) and also extended family health worries (I definitely have anxiety and am not medicated). I lost a parent a few years ago too and still feel that loss. DH thinks I should be moving on.
He seems convinced that lots of people in a similar situation are equally matched when it comes to sex and have regular sex maybe as much as when they first met even 20 years on. I have read enough threads on here to know that's not the case.
I have suggested counselling but he is sceptical.
I want to save this relationship and end the tension. I wish I could flick a switch. DH says I'm repressed due to my religious upbringing. :(
We aren't very intimate in other ways and I think we should start there but DH says we just need to have more sex... I feel every time we do kiss or cuddle on rare occasions it has to lead somewhere.
From time to time (day off work when both kids at school or childcare or when on holiday) we have amazing sex and for me that's good for a while but DH always wants more.
Help!

i am your husband in this situation and i can tell you it’s souls destroying feeling rejected by your partner, wondering what’s wrong with you.

can you tell him what you’ve written here?

I have told him all this already. He just says we need to have more sex and like, why not tonight? Every time.

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation too.

You can't force what you don't feel. And on top of feeling sexually inadequate, you no doubt feel guilt at not giving him what he wants, I bet. I'm guessing you have already shared with him what you're thinking and what you've written here. Yes, feeling rejected is soul destroying, but it's not a contest to see who feels worse. Communication and explanation are key to getting through it. If anyone can tell me the solution, I'd love to know. I can also live without sex, but not affection, which my partner withholds because of my vanishing libido. Consequently, I feel I am being punished and even less inclined to have sex...
Your DH sounds like he has a lot to say. Doesn't sound like he's doing much listening. I really wish you luck in resolving this.

I definitely feel sexually inadequate and abnormal tbh. Like why would I want this conflict if it was so easy to just do it?

Try counselling

@Sugartitties

i am your husband in this situation and i can tell you it’s souls destroying feeling rejected by your partner, wondering what’s wrong with you.

can you tell him what you’ve written here?

Me too. But in our case lack of sex is so bad that we now have an asexual marriage (1-2 times a year). As a woman, I find it very hard to deal with, when most friends complain about their husbands harassing them. Mine literally never approaches me that way.

OP you need to push for counselling. This is soul destroying and can push people to affairs or divorce .

I have suggested counselling. DH not keen. Thinks if I cared about him, love him and find him attractive we would just be having sex and all would be fine.

How do you feel about opening up the marriage or him having an affair? It will probably come to that eventually so it might be good to decide in advance how you feel about that. It might be something you could accept, if you considered it. A danger though is that he falls for his affair partner and leaves.
Sorry, probably not seen as helpful, but this scenario plays out a million times in mid life marriage and usually ends in an affair followed by general misery but then a fresh start for all.

Hmm he doesn’t sound the most sensitive or subtle of men but that doesn’t make him a bad person as such. maybe say that if he loved you and cared about you he would make the bloody effort to work as a team on this?

So start counselling just for you. It doesn’t have to start out as couples counselling. Just go and I guarantee the counsellor will ask your DH to come by and give the counsellor “his thoughts and perspective on sex in the relationship”. Seriously. If you start counselling, your DH will end up participating. It gets him to “save face”.

I don’t know the answer OP. To me sex is just more work. I’m constantly tired and have very little time to myself due to non-sleeping DC (often awake till 11-12pm). When I finally have a few minutes peace I want to keep them for myself, I don’t want to give them to DH. I feel like I spend all day meeting DCs needs and the second they’re asleep I have to meet DH’s needs. Sex is just another chore that I’m forced to do before I can finally be free and have time to myself.

The truth is, you know you're not 'sexually inadequate' otherwise you'd not be having sex with him at all. The situation just makes you feel that way because of libido mis-matching. And you're far from abnormal. You don't want to feel like this, otherwise you wouldn't be suggesting counselling to him. It's miserable and all-consuming; who'd want that?

I don't think there's any point in couple's counselling, if your lack of sex drive is due to a dysfunctional upbringing, then you should be going to see a therapist solo for a bit.

That said, I'm kinda with your husband here. I have the MUCH lower sex drive in my relationship, though like you i enjoy it when we do it, and my DH doesn't initiate because rejection sucks. It sounds unromantic, but i basically just schedule it in (in my head) and initiate every five days even if I'm not feeling it, because i know I'll enjoy it once we get going, and because it's important to my husband. Maybe just do that?

@Immigrantsong i’m sorry you’re in this situation too. i’ve wondered if my boyfriend is a sexual also, i just can’t understand why we don’t have more sex. no young kids, says he fancies me but fucking hell it makes no sense.

op what is the reason for you that you don’t want more?

it’s important to find a compromise that works for both of you otherwise an affair will happen or divorce.

He is a very 'black and white' thinker in all areas of his life and this is no exception. He has no time for the idea that this is a common issue (mismatched libidos, long term passions dwindling etc) as just cares about how it affects us and makes him (us) unhappy. He says that he is not abnormal for wanting sex with me. I'm his wife and he loves and is attracted to me ergo why not every day? We are just not one the same page at all. I'm like, well we had sex a couple of weeks ago so it's not that bad and he's like but it's never more often than every couple of weeks and that's a problem for him. There are times in my cycle when I have sore boobs and just feel yuck and have zero desire, not even a little.
Did they invent female viagra yet?!

I have been in your DH's position and massively sympathise with anyone feeling unloved, rejected and unwanted by a partner who doesn't want sex. However, partner was not making all the efforts you are- you have suggested starting with upping general intimacy, you have suggested counselling, you are thinking about this so much and not taking the 'awful man wants sex all the time when I don't he is such a bastard' line that so many seem to. I feel quite angry with your DH tbh! "No we just need more sex let's do it tonight" is a rubbish response, in fact it's just not good enough.

Well, as a previous poster said he does a lot of talking and not much listening!

If he really cared about you would he not agree to counselling to try and understand how you feel and to sort things out in a kind and fair way?

Basically he just cares about how it affects him!

How would you feel about outsourcing sex?

It's really tough on your self esteem when your spouse doesn't want to have sex and you feel undesired. In my case I'm the one with the higher libido and I wish I could just flick the off switch on my sex drive as everything apart from that is perfect in our relationship. I feel like I'm harassing him if I get too affectionate (even though he does happily express affection in other ways).

I have stopped trying to instigate now as I can't cope with the rejection. My sex drive seems to be on its way up (late 30s so maybe biological clock?) Its frustrating so I can sympathise with him. I dread it when friends complain about their husbands wanting sex frequently. I find my thoughts being consumed by it and find myself fantasising about being with someone who wants me in that way.

Yes they did invent female viagra, cialis, although I think viagra works too.

My 20 year marriage ended in part because my ex had low sex drive. It was miserable and profoundly lonely for me. I can't explain quite how depressed and sad I was at not feeling wanted physically. I want to cry even now just thinking about it.

Please either get counselling, or give him your blessing to find physical affection elsewhere. Anyone who says sex is unimportant in a relationship is in one where their needs are mutually met. Where it's unequal is heartbreaking and eventually destructive. (And we went through similar fertility path etc).

just have counselling for yourself then op!!

@Alonelonelyloner

I started off reading your post feeling sorry for your husband but quickly reverted to your camp OP. Especially when I read that you suggested increasing intimacy in other ways and he has refused, he thinks everyone else just has sexual desire and has sex, even when you've got two kids and have been together for 20 years?

I don't know what the answer is, I'm sorry. I think maybe the lack of sex drive on your part might have a little bit to do with your husband not seeing you as a whole person, not seeing that you're not black or white but all the shades of grey in the middle.

If he won't go to a counsellor, could you decide on a book or something and follow it to the letter,?

You can't fix this on your own, and you shouldn't have to. It's not a case of laying back and thinking of England.

Op, i think the pp meant counselling on your own. To deal with your sex issues.

Once I would have felt like you and not got the higher sex drive thing - but I think I am having a second spring and I totally get now why people are unable to cope with near sexless relationships.

Do you want to increase your libido? There are things you can do - exercise really increased mine - I took up a hobby I found physically challenging and exhilarating and doing that made me feel good and positive about my body and increased my sex drive.
Look up things like OMG yes, or layla martins free stuff. Start to masturbate and try stuff - it really is use it or lose it.

Sounds like other issues going on for you too, but purely from a sex drive angle - you could try these things.