Marriage issues related to lack of sex and DH generally feeling rejected

[WorriedMummy2020]

Me and DH are both early 40s. Been together 20yrs + and married for 12.
Two kids who are 4 and 8. History of infertility/fertility treatment/pregnancy loss.
My libido took a hit all through that as I hated my body for not conceiving and losing pregnancies. Then came a difficult birth and two bad sleepers as babies.
I have never had a strong libido. DH's has always been higher. Pre TTC the Pill killed my natural libido. DH would never refuse sex unless ill but I very rarely instigate it. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I don't keep total track but whatever he wants more. I so rarely feel like it. Most time when we do it I get into it and DH is very giving and I usually climax but sometimes I just kind of go along with it. When I enjoy it, it doesn't leave me wanting more the next day. DH gets moody and hurt when we don't have sex for a while and says he feels rejected. His mood changes when we have had sex recently.
I just never feel like it other than once in a blue moon. We've had sex maybe 10 times max since lockdown started. I'm not having sex with anyone else (!)and rarely masturbate.
I'm so sick of the arguments. DH just doesn't get why I don't want to do 'something easy, free, normal and loving' as often as he does. He takes it as a rejection and yet another sign that I don't care for, love or respect him. I can see why but I feel so stressed with childcare and household stuff despite DH doing his fair share (we have no other family support) and also extended family health worries (I definitely have anxiety and am not medicated). I lost a parent a few years ago too and still feel that loss. DH thinks I should be moving on.
He seems convinced that lots of people in a similar situation are equally matched when it comes to sex and have regular sex maybe as much as when they first met even 20 years on. I have read enough threads on here to know that's not the case.
I have suggested counselling but he is sceptical.
I want to save this relationship and end the tension. I wish I could flick a switch. DH says I'm repressed due to my religious upbringing. :(
We aren't very intimate in other ways and I think we should start there but DH says we just need to have more sex... I feel every time we do kiss or cuddle on rare occasions it has to lead somewhere.
From time to time (day off work when both kids at school or childcare or when on holiday) we have amazing sex and for me that's good for a while but DH always wants more.
Help!

Men need sex to feel validated, partners need to have sex to want it, even when they don’t at the start - as you describe.

@Angliski I know it does happen, but we shouldn't have to have sex we don't want at the start, for the occasional event that having our genitals mechanically rubbed (if we're lucky) or a quick shafting gets us in the mood when we didn't want the sex to start with. Ugh!

Your husband sounds dreadful, OP, no wonder you're not interested in sex.

Please have counselling, see your GP about anti depressants, then when you're feeling better and stronger, get rid of your husband. He's a bully coercing you into having sex when he feels like it, and has zero interest in you or your feelings.

I don't know what the next step is but I'm so worn down by all this. DH just said I'm self-destructive. I just want to be happy despite what he thinks.

Just for clarity, he does help a lot around the house but seems to resent it or feels that it entitles him to a sex life on his terms I think? But like in many married relationships the mental load of family life falls to me as well as my share of the housework and I find that wearing. He sees it as how it should be seeing as I onky work part time (my choice). He does a lot with the kids too and puts them before himself often.

Left to him he would deal with the house mess and clutter in one fell swoop and would throw away things precious to me in the process so it doesn't happen that way.

He says I'm so negative and lacking drive, not just sex drive, and it wears him down. I don't think I am negative or lacking drive in all areas. I keep busy with friends and activities and projects either for myself or for the kids.

I doubt you'll be happy until he's out of the picture. He seems to be almost constantly on at you for one reason or another. He won't do anything to compromise, the only way he sees to fix things is for you to be tidier and to have sex with him whenever he wants.

You're not self destructive. You're not repressed.

What you are is worn out from his bullying.

@Immigrantsong you are not alone...

There's nothing self-destructive about you OP. His idea of self-destructive is that you don't feel able to do what he wants at all times and don't always want to, because you're human and your own person. At that point he gets destructive of you, which is his choice.

Wanting to be happy, is wanting to have your own life and freedom of action, rather than be used as an object. And it's constructive.

Sounds like there's no easy way to rectify this if he won't try to understand you. I get how soul destroying it can be to be the higher sexed partner, but I also know how traumatic it is to be pressured into sex when you don't want it.

Either you find a way to drive the message home about how you feel and agree to call a truce and work together, at getting back the passion, or you split. I'm sorry but if he won't try to understand you can't make him.

I have issues at the moment and am trying to make myself throw up and this husband is definitely helping me along the way.

I am really cross with your DH!!!

Just because he feels horny 24/7 doesn't mean your needs should be ignored!!!

I think scheduling sex once per week and non-sexual intimacy twice a week for a number of months would be worth trying.

Ok so the DC don't go to bed until 9pm so it will have to be more of a quickie but there isn't much you can do about that. It would be very interesting to see how he feels about filling your intimacy needs when he doesn't need it/get anything out of it.

Every time he says "well it's free blah blah blah" turn around and state "so is emotionally intimacy yet you refuse to give it to me at all"

Tell him that if he doesn't lighten up, stop being so serious, stop taking everything personally, and start being more fun.... It's unlikely you're ever going to be in the mood for sex that much.

I think scheduling sex once per week

Ugh! (IMHO.) So the person is officially signed up for sex when they might not want it.

@Interestedwoman I wouldn't like it either but if the DH is giving 2 evenings of intimacy then hopefully the op will feel far more in the mood.

The less I had sex with DH the less I wanted it because it felt awkward etc.

If nothing else it's worth a discussion to see what his acceptance is on having to be affectionate and intimate twice a weeks when sex is off the cards!

Sorry but sex ten times since lockdown sounds plenty to me
I've had it about three times since lockdown.