Marriage issues related to lack of sex and DH generally feeling rejected

[WorriedMummy2020]

Me and DH are both early 40s. Been together 20yrs + and married for 12.
Two kids who are 4 and 8. History of infertility/fertility treatment/pregnancy loss.
My libido took a hit all through that as I hated my body for not conceiving and losing pregnancies. Then came a difficult birth and two bad sleepers as babies.
I have never had a strong libido. DH's has always been higher. Pre TTC the Pill killed my natural libido. DH would never refuse sex unless ill but I very rarely instigate it. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I don't keep total track but whatever he wants more. I so rarely feel like it. Most time when we do it I get into it and DH is very giving and I usually climax but sometimes I just kind of go along with it. When I enjoy it, it doesn't leave me wanting more the next day. DH gets moody and hurt when we don't have sex for a while and says he feels rejected. His mood changes when we have had sex recently.
I just never feel like it other than once in a blue moon. We've had sex maybe 10 times max since lockdown started. I'm not having sex with anyone else (!)and rarely masturbate.
I'm so sick of the arguments. DH just doesn't get why I don't want to do 'something easy, free, normal and loving' as often as he does. He takes it as a rejection and yet another sign that I don't care for, love or respect him. I can see why but I feel so stressed with childcare and household stuff despite DH doing his fair share (we have no other family support) and also extended family health worries (I definitely have anxiety and am not medicated). I lost a parent a few years ago too and still feel that loss. DH thinks I should be moving on.
He seems convinced that lots of people in a similar situation are equally matched when it comes to sex and have regular sex maybe as much as when they first met even 20 years on. I have read enough threads on here to know that's not the case.
I have suggested counselling but he is sceptical.
I want to save this relationship and end the tension. I wish I could flick a switch. DH says I'm repressed due to my religious upbringing. :(
We aren't very intimate in other ways and I think we should start there but DH says we just need to have more sex... I feel every time we do kiss or cuddle on rare occasions it has to lead somewhere.
From time to time (day off work when both kids at school or childcare or when on holiday) we have amazing sex and for me that's good for a while but DH always wants more.
Help!

I think you just have differing sex drives. And that’s what you have to resolve.

We have just talked (argued) again about all this after the kids went to bed. His position is clear and simple: we are married and I love you, find you attractive and want to have sex with you pretty frequently. Because you don't want sex with me as much as I want sex with you I conclude you don't love me or fancy me. What other reason could there be?
I kid you not, it is this simple for him. He dismissed out of hand that other people in long term relationships have this kind of issue saying only that he knows not everyone married for as long as us has sex every other day cos many get divorced.
He then dragged up loads of other things that are ongoing sources of tension - that I don't respect his job and think he does menial work (he's a skilled professional in the top tax bracket), that he hates how messy the house is and that I won't just let him bin anything he thinks is clutter or jo longer needed (we have a lot of stuff and need to move really but equally kids have toys and their stuff and it all adds up), I resent his career since I took a back step when I had our kids and went part time, that I'm too concerned about my only living relatives who are elderly and in poor health and not enough about him, that I have no aspirations as I'm happy to live in a messy house (it's not pristine equally pretty typicalof the houses of my friends I see) and will resist buying a 'big' house when we decide to move cos inworry too much about money etc.....and so on.
Oh, and that according to him I like being unhappy and causing conflict and making others unhappy as it's what I do so often. I'm so sick of all this.

And he repeated that he cannot see how being more intimate and affectionate without sex could help fix the sex problems. Just have the sex is basically his view.

I never particularly agreed with this saying but it seems like it might apply here ..

Men feel loved through sex
Women need to feel loved to want sex
Or something like that .....

Is this a bit of locdown tension coming through?
I just wondered about what contraception you used now ( i dont need to know) but there is a pill that really affects my libido so i use something else without hormones.

Reading the last update from the OP, it sounds like the issue may actually be outside of the bedroom?

I'd tell him that him being pushy is a big turn off and that him going on about the messy house is just stressing you. Suggest that if he cooks dinner or sorts out a takeaway, cleans up the house and sorts the kids out for bed whilst you have a relax and a nice long bath with a box of chocolates and a few glasses of wine then you'd probably feel much more relaxed and interested in sex (well it would work for me anyway!)

Bloody hell op. He doesn't listen and he thinks he can brow beat you into having sex when you don't want to!

He is awful. Absolutely awful.

Why do you think you are lacking drive?
Because you don’t feel sexy?
Hormones?
Past events?
Resentment/ distance in your relationship?
Too much stress in your day-to-day life?
I think if you can work out why, you might be able to solve the issue and your drive might return.
I don’t think he should pressure you though and I think every day is unrealistic! But it wouldn’t hurt to try and look at why you feel like this and see if you could increase it.

He seems convinced that lots of people in a similar situation are equally matched when it comes to sex I think many couples do take having similar sex drives into account (obviously sex drives can change). It's definitely something I've always considered.
and have regular sex maybe as much as when they first met even 20 years on. I have read enough threads on here to know that's not the case. Many couples do have regular sex 20 years on. My partner and I have been together a number of years and have young children but for us sex is an important part of our relationship so we have it every other day at least. That suits us as a couple. I wouldn't be with anyone who had a low sex drive because it wouldn't suit me.

That said, the two of you should be able to have a sensible conversation about it without him making you feel bad for it. You have mismatched sex drives. You're happy with the frequency. He isn't. He either needs to find a way to cope with it/work with it or leave. Personally I'd leave but that's up to him.

It does sound like the problems in your relationship might be causing this. His black and white thinking means you probably don’t feel ‘heard’ and ‘understood’ if you think differently. That is enough to cause resentment.

Your problems are much bigger than the sex. He is a bully.
You've listed lots of the belittling comments that he makes to you on a regular basis. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.
Start making your plans to leave as he is more interested in controlling you through his words and sex than actually having a fulfilling relationship with you

He sounds like an emotionally stunted bully. Why would you (or anyone with a brain) want to have sex with that sort of man? It’s very repellant.

Did you bring up that this is actually pushing you away.

Coercion sex is never ever fun sorry it isn’t. He got what he wanted after an argument ffs that’s a red flag.

He won’t cuddle you unless he gets sex that’s another red flag

You are not his property either all this your my wife so we should have loads of sex bollocks

I’d be going to counselling by myself to sort out your head and to take stock you married a selfish arse that thinks of himself.

He rejects the idea of counselling because it might mean facing up to it not being all your fault and your problem to fix. He wants the easy fix - you just need to have sex more often - simple. Only it ignores why you're not having more sex.

I do sympathise with him in as much as physical rejection is very hard. But if he isn't prepared to face the actual cause of the problem and do something different himself to help you both find a workable balance, then he can't really complain.

I think he sounds awful OP. He is bullying you. Insensitive, selfish, bully.

@anothernick
"Sex demonstrates love and commitment in a way which can't quite be matched by anything else"

As much as I love sex.. But really?
There is A LOT of sex going on in this world that does not involve love or commitment.

In a relationship the person who is ready to offer more sex is not automatically more loving. In fact, it is no sign of love. At all.

OP, I feel for you, a difficult but common situation. Do you love him and fancy him still?

OP your update from 9.27 is dreadful. Why would listing out every issue he can possibly think of make you feel like jumping into bed? It’s not a sexless relationship, might not be as often as he likes but it’s hardly once a year or something. It sounds like you must insist on counselling if the relationship stands much chance going forward.

Mind you, he sounds pretty dense to me - you don’t want sex because you had a religious upbringing, yeah sure whatever. I’m not entirely sure I’d be fighting to keep him....

Sounds like a power trip OP.

His feelings are valid. How he's dealing with them is terrible. People say shit things when they're frustrated, so I wouldn't immediately conclude he's bullying. But, none of it sounds great and you've got a lot of work to do.

It honestly sounds like you're both a bit lost. I've been through your DH's emotions too, for over a decade. Never really got angry, but did say some unintentionally dumb things too as I tried to understand why we were worlds apart. It's awful.

Ironically, she cheated on me. Obviously was still very sexual, just not with me. I don't think she ever felt the sexual/spiritual chemistry that she wanted with me, but I was always a safe pair of hands, and a good provider of emotional and financial support.

We divorced and I've never been happier to be honest. It was a hard process of understanding myself and what I need in a relationship, and not make compromises. Good luck.

Things are awful again today. I'll update more later when I have time but I have the kids with me all day again today. DH still not willing to do counselling. Well, he moaned about the cost (but remember we need to spend more on houses etc in his view!!) and said something like 'Fine, you sort it out. Get someone to tell us what to do!'
So hardly embracing it. I'll speak to someone by myself initially. Then DH claimed that I want him to live a monk-like existence (not really) and that I resent and don't respect his important job and take no interest in it or complement him on it. To be honest, I feel the same about his attitude to me taking care of the kids and working part time....

I think those of you who have this is about more than sex are right. DH just thinks I like being unhappy and causing arguments.

His mood changes when we have had sex recently.

This is just a form of control to encourage you to have sex again.

It sounds like you’re on totally different pages and not really compatible. There are plenty of men with a lower drive and expectations and similarly plenty of women who want similar to him, you are both with the wrong partners and after counselling you may find you have to call time on this relationship. Not for any nasty reason but just because it has run its course...

Lack of sex often magnifies other problems in a relationship.

"I disagree with you about x AND I'm unhappy with our sex life"

"I disagree with you about x BUT you give me a good time sexually so I won't make an issue of it"

I have found myself thinking the second of these on many occasions.

DH just thinks I like being unhappy and causing arguments

God my Ex was like this. I don't think there is any way back when your partner thinks like this. It is a way of not having to concede any link between how they behave and how you feel. Instead your unhappiness is caused by character defect you have that makes you hate filled and spiteful. Its a perniciously mad point of view.

He doesn't see you as a person OP, its that simple. He can't see you.