Marriage issues related to lack of sex and DH generally feeling rejected

[WorriedMummy2020]

Me and DH are both early 40s. Been together 20yrs + and married for 12.
Two kids who are 4 and 8. History of infertility/fertility treatment/pregnancy loss.
My libido took a hit all through that as I hated my body for not conceiving and losing pregnancies. Then came a difficult birth and two bad sleepers as babies.
I have never had a strong libido. DH's has always been higher. Pre TTC the Pill killed my natural libido. DH would never refuse sex unless ill but I very rarely instigate it. We have sex maybe once or twice a month. I don't keep total track but whatever he wants more. I so rarely feel like it. Most time when we do it I get into it and DH is very giving and I usually climax but sometimes I just kind of go along with it. When I enjoy it, it doesn't leave me wanting more the next day. DH gets moody and hurt when we don't have sex for a while and says he feels rejected. His mood changes when we have had sex recently.
I just never feel like it other than once in a blue moon. We've had sex maybe 10 times max since lockdown started. I'm not having sex with anyone else (!)and rarely masturbate.
I'm so sick of the arguments. DH just doesn't get why I don't want to do 'something easy, free, normal and loving' as often as he does. He takes it as a rejection and yet another sign that I don't care for, love or respect him. I can see why but I feel so stressed with childcare and household stuff despite DH doing his fair share (we have no other family support) and also extended family health worries (I definitely have anxiety and am not medicated). I lost a parent a few years ago too and still feel that loss. DH thinks I should be moving on.
He seems convinced that lots of people in a similar situation are equally matched when it comes to sex and have regular sex maybe as much as when they first met even 20 years on. I have read enough threads on here to know that's not the case.
I have suggested counselling but he is sceptical.
I want to save this relationship and end the tension. I wish I could flick a switch. DH says I'm repressed due to my religious upbringing. :(
We aren't very intimate in other ways and I think we should start there but DH says we just need to have more sex... I feel every time we do kiss or cuddle on rare occasions it has to lead somewhere.
From time to time (day off work when both kids at school or childcare or when on holiday) we have amazing sex and for me that's good for a while but DH always wants more.
Help!

I’m really not happy with him showing zero understanding for how complex things are for you, telling you to ‘get over’ family loss or self body image stuff shows no empathy. Complaining about counselling means he’s not willing to do any work. Will he read a book together e.g. love languages or something like that?

Does he know that always turning the issue into an argument is never sexy? It’a as sexy as being nagged to clean.

When my babies were small I’d get the ick if DH came on too strong, I was so fed up of little people pawing at my body all day long! I asked him to agree to just cuddles and kisses that don’t go anywhere. It was safe intimacy which meant my head didn’t get all stressed thinking out great here’s another person that wants a piece of me’. After a few times I was the one that ended up taking things further.

We’re a few years down the line now and the sex life is great.

If you show that you’re trying and commit to getting closer to where he wants to be, that has to be enough for now, surely?

*oh great not out great. Sorry

I feel so down. DH holed up working upstairs as is the new normal. I have no energy for the kids so am letting them watch lots of TV which I hate. Will get out for a walk after lunch.
Have just remembered my work used to offer some kind of free counselling line to staff via a third party company. I will see if I can get some counselling that way for free even if it's only for me and not both of us. I'm sure his work has this too but I know he won't do it by himself.
He is very clinical in his approach to things at times and also takes everything so so personally, not just me saying no to sex.
I think when I'm stressed or anxious (and I seem to be both at a low level all the time the past few years, which DH finds irritating and tells me so!) my interest in sex is one of the first things to go. For him it seems to be the opposite. Stressed at work, which he has been recently, means he wants sex more.
I want to talk, cuddle up with a film, snuggle, with no expectation of it going anywhere for a while. I've said this. His response is frustration 'You obviously don't find me attractive then. We're not teenagers. Etc'

I had some bereavement counselling about a year after my parent passed away. The counsellor felt I may have been depressed at the time and encouraged me to chat to my GP about possibly starting anti depressants. I really didnt want to take medication though as have heard lots of bad experiences and not least how libido is badly affected by them (yes, maybe mine could they worse despite DH thinking it is rock bottom now!)

I told DH what the counsellor said and he was a bit irritated by it. He is very anti anti-depressants himself and thinks depression is better managed by good diet, sleep and exercise alone. Not sure what makes him an expert but hey?! He seemed annoyed that a professional thought I might be depressed. He more or less said 'Well, if you're depressed what does that say about me and how do you think I feel hearing that?' which I found pretty shitty at the time and even more so now that I retell the story.....

Anothernick you make a good point.

I think he's very coercive. If you don't want sex you'r 'repressed' or 'don't love him' etc,getting in a strop when you don't want it. This sort of pressure actually puts people off sex, and also is NOT OK. xx

He also thinks your whole world should revolve around him, when you have other loved ones etc.

It's also emotionally abusive telling you you enjoy being unhappy/making others unhappy, it's all your fault.

I would speak to your GP- not all anti-depressants effect the libido. If one does, you can try another. But a lot of what's getting you down is the pressure at home.

God reading your subsequent posts I’m amazed you ever want to have sex with him at all! He sounds loke a self centered self entitled prick.

Fwiw, dh and I are slightly older and have been together longer, and he has never once behaved like you describe. There have been periods when my sex drive was low (non sleeping children here too) and he was always looking for ways to give me a break, offering massages, lie-ins etc. without expecting it to lead to anything else.

So guess what? I was much more likely to want it afterwards. After all, a good night’s sleep is the best aphrodisiac. Actually, feeling respected and appreciated after a good night’s sleep is the best aphrodisiac.

I’m sorry but your DH takes the term ‘insensitive asshole’ to a whole new level OP. You must assert your needs and concerns because, in his eyes, his needs trump all. Having some individual counselling will help you to recognise then assert your needs. If he can’t/won’t meet them, then he must ship out.

Yeah, the sexual issues are really the least of your problems. He doesn't appreciate you. You aren't allowed to have feelings. You have to be the perfect cleaning and sex machine. You have to fix your imperfections, he doesn't have to because clearly he is perfect. And when you say anything, you're rejecting him or you hold his job in contempt. If this were just a matter of mismatched sex drives I'd say you should both try to make some changes - but it isn't, and he won't. I'd walk away from this man. What does he do that actually makes you happy? Anything at all?

Sorry op but your in an abusive relationship. Your not going to want to have sex with some one who is forcing you against your will. You do not owe someone sex because you are married to them. Theres no respect, love or care from your dh....id Ltb, this is only going to get worse.

Consider reading the book ‘the queens code’ . Men need sex to feel validated, partners need to have sex to want it, even when they don’t at the start - as you describe. I wouldn’t put up with aN almost sexless marriage.

I agree with @Getagripffs you do definitely need to start masturbating. I do most days and it certainly increases your desire.
Do you feel attractive ? Does your husband make you feel attractive ? Can you increase fore play ?

Would you put up with an abusive marriage @Angliski ?

People need to read op's updates fgs.

DH still refusing to consider counselling. I've made an appointment to speak to one myself anyway. He asked me what I'm going to say and why I think it will help?! He says I'm just trying to make everything more of an issue and am looking for a label or diagnosis for everything. And that what I ultimately want is for the counsellor to berate him and sympathise with me. This is all so messed up.

You need to start masturbating???? really?

I think he does sound abusive OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. Can you have counselling on your own? You'd find it really helpful I think.

fwiw I had a H who I didn't want sex with - for many reasons but he was also very abusive (a fact I didn't fully understand until the end of my marriage). When I divorced him, my sex drive came back with a vengeance.

A counsellor will give you clarity.

He sounds really like my H - we did go to counselling together for a bit - like your H he saw it all as a battle about who was right.

It's all about him isn't it. You should have sex because he wants it and you are his wife. You shouldn't be depressed because that makes him feel bad. You should chuck out your stuff because he doesn't like the house.

OP go back to your GP and ask for help. Go to the counselling and tell your DH to back off. You are right, you aren't teenagers and he needs to stop being a sex pest and respect you as a person. If you feel valued you would be more receptive to sex.

Your husband's solution to everything seems to be that you do exactly what he wants all the time. He wants sex every night, the house to be pristine, you to compliment him on his brilliant job and be cheerful at all times. Real life is not like this, it is about compromise.

I hate the fact that other people seem to be trying to fix you, in some way. There is absolutely nothing that needs fixing, other than a completely insensitive bully of a partner.

@rowrowrowyaboat my thoughts aren’t about the abuse or not abuse. It’s about how men and women work. ‘Fgs’

You do have to consider if you want to leave or are able to leave (and if not, if there are things you can do to get to that position). Because this sort of issue is not likely to be very changeable if he will not engage with therapy/counselling. You won't go to a counsellor alone and suddenly think having sex is a great idea if you simply don't want it in the first place.

@WorriedMummy2020

I have suggested counselling. DH not keen. Thinks if I cared about him, love him and find him attractive we would just be having sex and all would be fine.

With a loving and understanding partner like that why do you not want to have sex with him? Christ he is bloody oblivious isn't he.

I'm the same OP but no kids. My sex drive was crazy in my 20s (pre-DP) but as I've hit 30 and been through many anti-depressants and horomal birth control and self esteem issues I just don't care about sex. My DP understands and doesn't pressure, doesn't badger just lets me come to him when I want to. He tries every now and again but is still cuddly and stuff when I say no.

I wouldn’t put up with aN almost sexless marriage.
I wouldn't put up with a partner who didn't care about my feelings or emotions . I wouldn't put up with a partner who, when trying to resolve the situation, dismisses any idea that isn't have more sex. I also wouldn't put up with a partner who so flippantly told me to read a book and have more sex to please him either.

My husband did fuck all at home, kept getting into debt, never lifted a finger to help out in the huse or massive garden despite me being disabled so I was always exhausted and in pain especially as I was the main wage earner and worked full time then moaned non stop when he wasn't getting swinging off the chandaliers everynight.
My response was to tell him to sod off and then throw a party when he left.
I don't have any time for lazy men whingeing about their conjugal rights.

I really sympathise with you. This brings back a lot of memories even the part about depression. I told my ex partner about mine and he asked what right I had to tell him that and make him sad and that if I loved him I would just be happy. He also complained about lack of sex.

I sought therapy by myself, like you and found that the more I looked at what I wanted and what my own boundaries were, I had no choice but to leave because he wasn't willing to accommodate or shift his perspective at all.

You deserve someone who sees all sides of you and respects you not just for what you do but also who you are. He isn't listening to you and it sounds like a very lonely and unsatisfied place to be. I hope the counseling will help you find some peace while he sounds intent on unsettling you to get what he wants.

If I had this bloke in my life, I don't think I'd feel horny enough to have a wank. I'd be dead below the waist.