Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

Sounds like total clones of the same person.How on earth can that even be?? It just floors me.

We used to have such incredible fun, and I actually used to enjoy cooking and even the most basic of chores as it was done as a two,or for someone else to appreciate. Now my house is a mess, but I cant seem to care, and my kids are in their own worlds, out and doing their own thing so they aren't bothered either.

I have a friend calling round today, but I honestly dont want more of the breezy " forget it and move on" talk.

I just feel like I'm too old to start again from nothing. At least when my marriage broke,the kids were little and I was so busy it almost didnt register. Plus I had parents to help then. Now they aren't here and the kids are grown.

I hate myself for being like this.Im actually spending time now thinking how I will play it down to people if I backtrack and have him back. He used to say " well what life did you have before " ? And actually he was right..got I am a mess.

@NativeAustralian
I felt exactly the same a few days ago and no doubt I will again.
I put myself in a position where I can't go back.

Start by doing small tasks around the house..sounds silly buy even tidying helped me. Made me realise I am capable.
You are never too old to start again , please don't think that .
You should maybe consider telling your friend bad it is, even share some of this information with her.
I used to always do that when I was going back to him but the final time I realised that I had no sense of who I was anymore and a life like that is not a good thing.
I hope you are okay, please don't go back.
I have 4 times already and each time is worse :( . They love it x

Thanks @Nursing2029. It's incredible to read yours and @Lochie662 posts throughout this.

I have a feeling that my friend is actually going to need support from me as she said she was feeling depressed. Normally I'd be more than willing but I can imagine just staring into space as she unbuburdens today...I will try though.

I'm going to tidy a storage box..that's my goal. From someone who used to be up at 6 and was like a whirlwind getting things done. I feel useless.

The thing that is complicating it for me is the MH side. Events over the last few days ,which I cant say or it could be really outing, have proved beyond any doubt that all the awful stuff said and his behaviour is the onset of a severe bout of his condition. He has no insight and does not even recall what was said, or how he came to be at this point.

Again,without being outing, my work is similar to being an advocate for vulnerable people , so I have huge guilt issues that I havent dealt with any of this properly, and let both of use down.

@NativeAustralian
I have found taking on here so helpful.
I feel the same, that I haven't dealt with things properly and I feel like i have let everyone and my young children down.
Your friend might be a welcome distraction.
You will get back to being that person without him weighing you down.
Did you look into trauma bonding?

I have a friend calling round today, but I honestly dont want more of the breezy " forget it and move on" talk.

I believe that it's only people who have been in similar (identical!) relationships can understand. It's so good to speak to people who get it. Hopefully though your friend will be a bit of distraction today and take your mind off your own troubles for a wee while.

Native have you had any counselling, I can't remember?

Lochie I've been getting rid of photographs of him as I find them. I've not been through them all, we were together a long time, but I don't see the point in keeping any of them. I really don't want anything at all that reminds me of him.

Richard Grannon's is about why we struggle to move forward.

@TimelyManor I have had counselling before, just kind of bereavement and moving on,then a bit of life coach type stuff. Thing is, when I was having if prior to this relationship, I knew that the root cause of my unhappiness was being lonely. I know I have huge issues with abandonment and being alone.

I've just ordered a load of self help books recommended by people on MN including trauma bond ones but all the time I just keep thinking " he's ill, it's not fair to do this"...

I seemed okay a few days ago,and had a real resolve but now...I just feel I cant cope.

@NativeAustralian I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. It's very difficult to keep going after a relationship like this. It's also so hard to grieve it in a way which feels okay because if all the twists and mindfucks and emotional torture.

But just know this, you are allowed to feel sad for the loss of this man. Even when your head is screaming at you that you should be glad he's gone, no, you are allowed to feel sad and mourn would could/should have been and all your hopes for your future.

You are not over it until you are over it, regardless of what anyone else says you should be thinking or feeling.

It may take more time than you want it to. I'm sorry if that sounds depressing to hear.

You have to take it slowly - sometimes the only thing I could do was lie down and breathe (even that was hard sometimes). There is no right way - we are all different. The only things I can say helped were small things like eating food I enjoyed, going for a walk, listening to some nice music, and relaxing yoga. I would book in advance - made it more likely I would go. Getting out of the house helped.

I watched the entire series of Sex in the City back to back for example. It gave me a break and made me laugh (and cry).

Buffalo

That's a really helpful post.

all the time I just keep thinking " he's ill, it's not fair to do this"...

I thought that for a while - he can't help having a personality disorder BUT he does know right from wrong. He chose to lie, gaslight, control, blame - the list is endless. He doesn't do it to those he wants to impress, people who give him the attention he craves. Your ex may say he can't remember what he said or did but do remember you can't trust anything he says. It may well be true but they're such good liars it's safer not to trust anything.

You have to be fair to yourself. Do you feel like you could have some kind of counselling help again? I have found some books very helpful but I also found talking about what I was reading invaluable. It's still very early days for you

@BuffaloMozzerella yes I know what you mean about breathing,sometimes that's all you can manage. I know it sounds totally crazy but I dont think I felt this bad even following bereavements I had,and that does scare me.

My mind just seems to have shattered. I actually was looking for my phone when I was taking a call on it..I've wandered off leaving my keys in the car...so many stupid things.

@TimelyManor I've added myself to a waiting list for counselling. I did ring one up too to enquire, but she actually said it won't help as it's too raw and too early. I thought " well ffs surely somebody can help!?!"

I've lost hours this week just watching stuff on youtube and social media, just gets me nearer bed time and I knock myself out with meds.

@NativeAustralian
How has your day been?

OP please don’t blame yourself of being sad about leaving him. Look up lovely Kristina Kuzmic about divorce.

m.facebook.com/KristinaKuzmic/videos/680402999360907/

Piece of her wisdom is that you are sad about loosing the relationship you wished you had or you tried to have with this person. That is why you are sad not because you miss the horrible person.

@Winoclock7

Thanks, i just feel so guilty.
I think its because the relationship was with the narcasstic was so bad it makes me think my marriage maybe wasn't so bad. Silly i know.
I just feel utterly drained, i am a nice kind person and I feel so worn down and a bit broken.
Feel guilty about my kids too. X

Look at the first line of the first paragraph you said on this opening post of this thread.

And just because this relationship was wrong , it doesn't make the last relationship right.

Sorry I'm not posting just now. I am not feeling very well at all.

@Lochie662
I know, i just like making myself feel guilty.
No need to apologise, I hope you are okay. Take care xx

I think maybe you left your marriage quicker than you would have done if you hadn't met this man.

You followed your heart. It was a trick but you didn't know that. You followed your heart and you jumped right in. It was the right thing to do, you thought you had found true love.

Just give your heart a good talking to and tell it to take it's time the next time.

@Lochie662

I had decided to stay in my marriage despite my feelings not being there, felt like that for years.
Then he came along and I thought it was true love.
I thought it was too good to be true etc.
I will definitely slow down from now on xx

@Nursing2029

You were brave. You followed your heart. It didn't work out but think about it. You saw what looked like an amazing opportunity and you grabbed on. You're a person who lives your life, not exists through it. You didn't know people like him existed. You did the best you could with the information you had. That's all. You're not a bad person.

@Lochie662
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Wish I could find some peace with it all.
I hope you are feeling ok.

So sad we are all in this state. I am totally fed up of well meaning people who have never been in this situation thinking I should be well over it.

I am struggling and just cant face the hours and days. So quiet,in my house, alone just with my thoughts.
When we split I thought that I would be so happy to have some peace, but it doesnt feel like that.

I have been in brief contact with him , but he can't really make sense at the minute and is on heavy meds to bring him down. I just wanted to hear his voice...

I'm so confused. I love him,I feel guilty because this is an illness and I want to help. He can be so lovely and we have been so close.

Then I have so many people who have told me to walk..but it's easy for them,as I feel I am walking away to nothing..an empty life.

I have spent my whole life supporting others, parents with MH issues and chronic physical illness, ex husband with addiction problems, one of my children who had problems early on, friends with depression..I honestly feel like I have no role if I am not doing that.I feel driven to do it.

Even my qualifications are geared to this.

I havent ever been in a position to focus on myself,and I totally dont know how to do it.

It feels totally impossible. I feel as though I'm not interested in my own life as such at all. My whole nature is a rescuer,I know that. I am not " me" unless I am doing that.

I feel that I have to make it " right". I have to do all I can to try,and only when I have tried everything could I ever step back.

Richard Grannon said in one of his videos that he had spoken to narcissists who had said they intentionally make themselves the centre of our world KNOWING that when they leave we will keep looking for them and be lost without them.

That makes me angry. For all of us. They aren't victims. They had a choice to be this way.

It's sad. But we didn't deserve it. We never did.

@NativeAustralian

I am so sorry that you are struggling so much but I am begging you to accept a few realities of your relationship.

It was abusive, you were in an abusive relationship with a man who manipulated and lied to you. I don't care that he has a million reasons for that. We could say that any cruel person in history has reasons and excuses for being how they are, it doesn't mean we have to soak up their cruelties, tolerate their madness and keep loving them no matter what.
You have been abused in that relationship, and therefore you cannot be healed by that relationship. It's an impossibility that you will get long term relief with him.

And the second reality is the thing you are walking AWAY from is an empty life. He can't love, he doesn't love. Loyalty , integrity , security. He will do whatever he can to keep these from your life. You could be in isolation for the rest of your life and still be less lonely than with him

He strips you of you. He uses you.

You have friends coming to visit you!. Oh what absolute bliss that is. You have friends wanting to unburden on you. Make sure you unburden yourself on them too.
That's real. It might not be drama filled, you might not be spending your data checking your phone to see if they contacted you, but it is very real. That's where your future is.

You need counselling, you sound traumatised, distressed and incredibly sad. Good relationships don't leave you like this. I'm so sorry.

@Lochie662
You sound so strong, I wish i was feeling like that now.
I seen him today and I hate myself.
How did you adapt to being on your own?
As in sleeping in the bed on your own, eating etc.
I am struggling with these things.
Can't even look at myself in the mirror just now either I have gained so much weight.
I just wish i could get past this bit.

I have laid in my bed, too sick to move, texting him, begging for him to just phone me for ten minutes. I have had panic attack after panic attack. I have felt suicidal. I know how soul destroying and empty and lonely it feels. I promise

I am aware I might be annoying people, I do get it , I promise. I just think for every ten things I post, if one makes you feel a little bit better it's all worth it.

It gets better, I promise. But it only improved when I started feeling the loss of the relationship instead of trying to work out how to save it.

As for getting used to life on your own. Just knowing that every time you do every routine you're moving further away from misery and closer to normality.

This is going to sound so simple but it really does work for me. Just give yourself permission to not think about it , even if it's half an hour, the length of a bath. During lockdown I would walk into town every morning and go to the chemist and buy little face masks, or nail polish for a pedicure, or buffers to do my nails, a deep conditioner for my hair. A separate journey for each thing ( the going and choosing the treatment for the day was part of it), then I would go home and I'd do it. It takes up hours and is cheap and it's all about doing stuff for you.

It's about doing it even when you feel so miserable that you wish you were dead.

@Lochie662
I find your posts really helpful as you sound better if that makes sense and that makes me feel better.

At the moment I feel so detached from me i find it scary. I know that my weight isn't the worst thing but I am so heavy from what I normally am and its adding to how I feel.
I like the idea of the small treats and walks.

I wish i had not seen him, he is still arrogant and horrible.
I feel like i was living his life and I suddenly don't know what to do.
I hope you are feeling better.