Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

Happiness

That's why he didn't apologise or present himself as remorseful. He knows that you cannot take that primary position again. You have the potential to make him feel shameful, to expose him to himself and he will do anything to stop that happening. Absolutely anything. There is nothing you can do or say to change this.

@Lochie662
If i had been on the outside looking into this relationship I would have told me to run a mile.
Everytime we split i went back despite the fact i knew it was the right thing to split.
He was verbally and physically abusive(twice)
Cheating - sexting
And just horrible.
I can't understand why I want him and want to make it work. That baffles me.
The videos were awful and creepy and that should have been the final straw.
There was also transexual porn a couple of years back that wasn't what I expected.
All these red flags and i am so weak I still want him.

Of course I was worried about him moving on @Nursing2029 but I tried not to waste too much time in my head abt that because that was inevitable, he needs his supply!

I worried more that I would end up in a psychiatric ward or dead if I'd have stayed. So focus on you and how you've saved yourself from a life time of shit.
Let someone else deal with it. They will treat each person the same. There will never be trust.

I agree with what @Lochie662 is saying. No point in going back, you mean nothing to them, even les so than before so keep moving ahead ALWAYS, never back, not even a glance.

You are trauma bonded @Nursing2029 and experiencing cognitive dissonance, with professional help you will overcome this. It takes a lot if work but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Like I said before the fear is always there, and the memories are there, but life moves on so focus on you.

@Anthilda
Friends have voiced their concern over my mental health because of him.
I remember at the start when I would have other plans he would conveniently buy tickets for something else on the same night, i thought it was nice at the time but he was just controlling me.

He had already been flirting with a member of a club he is in, i torture myself thinking about them.
I went back 4 times. The fear always gripped me and the misery was the only comfort I had.

@Nursing2029 I get it, thecsane happened to me, planned things n they were always ruined.

Try not to focus on them, tbh I think you should pity whoever it is he is reeling in next because the poor soul has got it all to come and they have no clue what they are letting themselves in for.

Try not to watch what hes doing, come off social media, at least temporarily. You will never move on if you dont have that distance.

@Anthilda
Thanks i will, he is still in touch just now and that makes it worse.
Need to unfriend and block x

Me too op.

@OhioOhioOhio
Hope you are okay x

Still in touch here too. I honestly feel like I've gone mad.Nothing seems to have any meaning anymore

@NativeAustralian
I think we should cut ties.
How often is he in touch? Have you seen him in person?

I was In touch for a long time after. I wonder if it's because they like the "supply" of you feeling bad after the break up.

In my case he contacted me every time, because I knew , subconsciously, I wasn't allowed to contact him. So every 2-4 weeks he would pop up and pull at the heartstrings, we would talk for a while, ultimately argue and block somehow. It was a joke. I got so I watched for patterns. It was always him starting the fights, pulling at scabs. He was just coming back to be cruel to me and watch my reaction.

Last week, when I lost it with him. It was to make him go and not come back. It was to say to him "I am capable of making you see your shame. Go elsewhere for your supply , you utter, absolute freak"

I didn't use those words lol. Just the spirit.

@Lochie662
Do you feel better now that you are not in touch?
I find the contact hard as its the nice version of him and then I think things are okay.
Did you live together.?

I feel like it's totally over for the first time.

And that feels awful , because I loved him

And because I am properly grieving, narcissistic break ups don't let you grieve properly.

But there's something clean about it. If I'm honest I'm starting to feel cleaner than I've felt in a long time. I know that usually translates into a sexual way of feeling clean or unclean. But I totally lost myself for a long time.

I think ( I know actually), that I was willing to do anything at one point to be with him. It left me hating myself and I felt humiliated. I'm starting to not feel that way. I'm starting to feel like myself again.

We lived together half the week. We both had our own places.

@Lochie662
How long since you split?
I was the same, I would do anything. Any terms that came with it I would take. I hate myself for that too.
We were the same, it was like he couldn't fully commit and needed his space.
I am thankful for that now.

@Nursing2029

When did we split? What time....October last year, November last year... March this year.... June this year .... Although we haven't been a proper couple since October. The rest of it was just a twisted mess.

March was fun. I had an appointment at the hospital for a biopsy and he told me on the way into that details of him cheating. Then the first day of lockdown , when literally we were all on our own, in our own houses, he told me "everything". I say everything. He withheld the only thing I wanted to know and that was when it started and told me all the little details I didn't want.

I finally found out that in June. I lost something then. Begging for that single detail I believe I had a right to know. Just when it started. While telling me of what they'd done, where they had gone.

But he's so guilty, he can't believe he treated me so appallingly. But it was exciting, you know.

How he was living on toast and beans because she was an expensive date lol.

I can't believe I fell for him.

What a shit. Funny how he told you the details when you were on your way to a hospital appointment. How dare anything be more important than him. I hope you had good results from your biopsy.

Have you had an STI check?

@TimelyManor

It's just him all over, timing is everything. When I was injured or worried or stressed, that when it was time to make me worse. And yes, like you say it brings them back to the forefront.

I kept my calm so many times though , on the surface anyway. When I learned that they want you to respond and get angry, it surprised me initially but it actually makes perfect sense looking back.

Narcissists don't want to live in a calm, loving environment. It would drive them crazy with boredom.

They want fights, sparks, drama and destruction.

They can have it somewhere else. I'm liking my zen at the moment.

How are you?

I'm doing okay, thank you. I went through a similar heartbreak thing to everyone else to begin with but despite that the calm that I felt as soon as he was out of the house was quite palpable. Within minutes. I was distraught but couldn't help but notice the calm! It took me a while to feel the relief but when I did it lasted a long time

I was looking for a photograph earlier and found some of him. I felt nothing. I've come a long way.

@TimelyManor

That's so good to hear. I don't have photographs at all. I don't have anything. I've purged him out if my life.

That was our final argument, I'm going to sound completely nuts here. This isn't indicative of our relationship, I KNOW he was the disordered one. In this conversation I might doubt like the disordered one.

I talked about something that had happened when I was 23, and he said "maybe that was the missed opportunity to purge you from my life" . I've had bulimia, and this man was brought up Catholic. Purge to me represents toxicity or even evil. You don't purge anything good.

And I thought back to 23 year old me, I was pretty and kind and honest. I was fucking lovely!

So that was my final straw.

And I know it wasn't that bad, on its own it was fine. If we hadnt had this terrible toxic relationship it would have been fine.

I want to be sane and calm. Please let me be sane and calm. I'm getting there.

I'm so glad it was for you finally.

@Lochie662
They can't bear anything to be about anyone else. That is horrible behaviour.
How are you feeling today?
Please don't forget this is all them.
X

Hi. I have a pattern of being blocked and unblocked at his whim. I hate myself for keep being sucked in.

I honestly keep on thinking " but he is ill,he doesnt mean it" and excusing him.

What kind of reactions from friends and family have you all had? Mine,the few who know have been supportive but just basically think I should waltz off happily now and have an amazing life, as though I can just stop the love,the bonds,the history ....its hard. Then I have another who is a total stuck record of " told you so" which first upset me but now angers me as it's like rubbing salt in,not only has he done a number on me,but I'm too stupid to heed advice too. I honestly dread seeing this person as she asks " are you over HIM now, followed yet again by " I told you..." . It's not what I need.

I thought I was feeling fairly positive about the future, but now I'm just terrified. I feel I have no purpose, life has no meaning apart from having to be here for the kids ( who are older and not about most of the time). Theres nothing I want to do,nothing really I'm interested in...all I can think is that at least when I was with him,there was " something", I had "someone".

I honestly do feel like absolute crap now.

@NativeAustralian
Hi
You don't sound good at all. I hope you are ok.

I have had the same reactions as you, unfortunately no one understands how bad it is.
I was feeling like this the other day and took advice from @BuffaloMozzerella. Small routines and small tasks.
You are so much better off without him. I am feeling fairly positive today, i haven't for a while.
Stick a silly film on. Eat what you feel like eating.
These men have left horrible scars but being there with him would result in more pain.
You do have meaning.
When did you split?

We've split so many times...this time a month ago, all horrible undignified splits, but it's still kind of " up in the air". I honestly thought when I met him it was an end to a really rubbish period, had a marriage breakdown ( did not feel as awful as this though) ,some bereavements, and he told me I'd never have to be alone and cope by myself anymore. I shared so much of my past with him, he knew everything about me, more than I have ever shared with any other partner.
But then it got flung out in arguments, I was horrified at some of the things he said.

I was quite depressed at the time I met him,I'd been having counselling.
He just seemed to turn my life around with fun,energy,empathy,companionship.. everything I'd been missing,it was like having a soulmate magically appear and I couldn't believe my luck.

And now...back to nothing and in a much worse place mentally. I cant seem to pull myself out of this, as I've had to be strong on my own so many times before. I honestly feel like I'm done.

@NativeAustralian
This sounds so familiar.
Same here this. Was separating and divorcing and I met him and I thought all the things that you do.
I was so smug.
He gradually removed parts of the relationship that i loved and it ended up being hell.
He said i was childish , problem with authority drama queen..the list is endless. Started arguments over nothing. And a lot more.

We have split several times but just before the last i found the videos he had been sending.
I agree that this feels worse than my marriage split but I think its because of the damage they have done.
What are you doing today?