Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@Lochie662 in every post you speak the absolute truth in its purest most insightful form. You are correct in everything you say.
I just wish there was a fast forward button to make the pain stop.

@Nursing2029 I'm struggling with the same things..every meal alone,watching tv alone,nobody to tell about anything that's happened at work,cafes opening but nobody to go with, my kids are never home,and in their rooms when they are..,nobody to cook with,sleep with...oh the list goes on.
I feel like screaming " but you promised me I'd never have to do this by myself again".

My mum used to say to me that all she wanted was to see me with a good man who would care for me, as her life was really tough going it alone. I actually feel like I've let her down,failed and she'd be so heartbroken for me. I know this sounds stupid but it's just another thing.

@NativeAustralian
I think you need to change the way you think about him, he wouldn't have looked after you and he wasn't good.
You are not letting your mum down as now you have an opportunity to heal and meet that man.

Could you ask the kids to help you with dinner or watch a film?
I think the fear of some of these things is sometimes worse than doing them.

I miss him when I am doing these things but I try and remember how he made me feel and how he ruined everything and made me feel stressed and nervous. I think the trauma bond is playing a part in this.
We can do this.

@Nursing2029 Yes sometimes I have what I can only describe as " breakthrough" insight where I see that he is utterly incapable of caring for himself,let alone me. I could never predict really how he would react to the simplest of situations, nothing safe or secure in that at all.

Kids are late teens and seem oblivious,they are 19 and 18 with jobs,college,friends, and we barely touch base, I try to get them to watch a film etc but they are totally involved in their own lives. I wish in a way they were little as I'd be absorbed in looking after them. I'm happy they have their own stuff going on, but in reality,they cant have failed to have noticed I'm not doing too well, but they havent commented or changed their routines at all. Not sure what I'm trying to say here, but it would be nice to even sit down for a drink for 10 minutes with them..I miss them.

I wasn't in a good place when I met him to be honest. I was lonely, and very much wondering what the point of life was. I was on antidepressants and having counselling. Then I met him and it was like that black cloud had lifted. I stopped both the counselling and ADs as I felt so much better and so alive.

I really need to feel better, as I'm beginning to think I have nothing really to live for,not worth much at all.

You could always do what I do. I talk to myself. I'm a complete lunatic with it. I just talk to myself , sometimes doing his side lol. It makes me realise how predictable he was. I know everything about him and I am a lot funnier and more interesting than he could ever hope to be in a million years! I know he's stole my jokes and my wit and my ideas for the next woman. She is going to absolutely fall in love with him!!! For a while anyway. Until he does the same to her as he did to me.

Lying. Fucking. Bastard. .... That he is

Sorry lol

This is mostly tongue in cheek , although I do it.

@NativeAustralian
You do have a lot to live for, a new life that is yours.
And your kids.
I hope you are ok.
Please realise he would make you feel worse xx

Yes I realise he would make me feel worse. And hes not worth it. I know I have to come round...
I know hes unbelievably damaged, and has put his family through hell too. Typical of me,thinking I could sort what nobody else could. Makes me feel so naive, as soon as I told people what MH condition he had at the start,each and every one told me to end it.I thought they were callous and stigmatising. Looking at where I've ended up, they were right.

It has to be trauma bonding and PTSD. None of my other relationships have ever affected me like this.Its brutal.

I said to my friend that maybe I could have handled things differently when he was accusing me of outrageous things. She said.." well how exactly?" I had to admit it, there was literally no pacifying him. No way out.No correct answer. Walk off and he'd follow. Cry and I was crazy,deny and I was a liar.....no wonder I'm a mess.

These people should have a health warning.

@Lochie662
No need to apologise.
Same here, he was a total liar. About absolutely everything.
Did yours ever correct your grammar? Mine was a pompus pr#$k.
Sorry, feel so angry.
What do you do with your Saturday? That is a day and night i struggle with, kids are away.

@NativeAustralian
They should have a tattoo on their forehead.

Listen to Halsey - so sad. Let me know what you think?
These men are broken, never to be fixed.
Mine had me chase him up the street, beg with him and continually chase him for attention and affection.
I am embarrassed to say that nothing has affected me this badly and he is not worthy of that.

Saturday's are a bit all over the place. I might have my son, might not. I had him today, we went into the nearest city and shopped. Had a drink outside in a pub. It was alright.

I didn't take my phone. I get away from my phone at least once a day. I think that helps tbh. To me, he's in my phone.

I think Sundays are hard for me. I volunteer a bit, (pre lockdown)I would highly recommend it. Is there's anything that interests you?

He didn't correct my grammar, but he'd say things like"explain your thinking with that decision". My thinking was usually "I AM AN ADULT AND CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS !!!!!". Sorry , it drove my crazy lol.

Are you town or city?

@Lochie662
I used to get that too. Why do you think that, why are you doing that.
I am in a really small town.
I am starting uni soon, I should be so excited.
I feel like i have lost and forgotten me, even to what I watch ok TV. I sound pathetic.

You don't sound pathetic at all.

I am exactly the same

When was the first time you realised he's was Narcissistic?

And congratulations on starting university . That is the absolute best news!!!!!

@Lochie662
Thanks. I am hoping it is the distraction I need.
The red flags were there 6 months in but i thought I was being touchy or paranoid.
I never fully accepted how bad it was until 6 months ago.
What about you?
I feel a bit soulless just now, that I allowed him to do this and even after I discovered his darkest secrets I still wanted him.
It was all a pile of lies. It destroyed me finding out about the sexting.

I think narcissistic relationships are addictive. I think of this as quitting a drug. If I don't succeed it will consume me for life.

It was about a year ago I suspected properly, thoughts before that maybe. I started reading about it, and I suppose I kept testing it out. I kept seeing him do this or do that and looking it up and it was another narcissistic trait.

I thought the cheating was something he wouldn't do at all but I was wrong.

The blaming was incredible though, the complete lack of any responsibility. It stunned me.

And the lies. So many lies.

@Lochie662
I can totally relate to that. Every time I thought he would be really sorry and be remorseful and he wasn't.
It hurt at first but it became expected , he wasn't overly bothered when i found his seedy videos.
Yeah everything was my fault. I spent 2 years apologising before I realised x

I had a hideous level of pain for a long time, it sounds pathetic and not different to most people who have suffered broken hearts. But it felt twisted and connected and raw , it felt like I had lost my entire family overnight. And I felt like it was my fault for losing it. I was confused, looking for something that I thought was there, but never had been.

It's started to go away, I never thought it would. I thought I would have it for life. I'm started to not think of him for a couple of hours here and there, he's starting to not be in my thoughts for the future.

I was incredibly addicted to this man, to the detriment of my health. Now I'm starting to put myself back together. Honestly. I feel cleaner and healthier than I have in years.

Don't give up. Don't go back.

Hi everyone, can I join? I've found myself in a similar situation and I'm in agony. Happened yesterday and I'm in real physical pain. I can't even fathom how I'm going to get through this.

@wanttofeelsafe
Of course.
Are you ok?
Is this the first time you have split up?

@Lochie662
This makes me feel better.
The feeling in my gut seems to have subsided a bit.
Did you ever look at him when you were together and wonder what you were doing with him?
I was addicted to mine. I knew for two years I should split with him but it still really hurt.
How are you today?
.

@NativeAustralian @Lochie662 @wanttofeelsafe

I feel physically very very bad. I didn't eat all day yesterday and have a dry mouth. This is the first time we have split up but it's been on the cards for a while. I came out of a marriage straight to him and now I'm feeling guilt about the marriage and questioning everything. I can't seem to separate the two

I could have written the first post I'm just a few days behind in all the heartbreak. I've got two small children that he thought were unruly and ultimately didn't want to take them on. (They are both lovely children btw and it has pained me to watch them try so hard to try and please him). Luckily they haven't spent too much time with him despite the relationship being serious for at least 18 months. Possibly I got that bit right.

@wanttofeelsafe
I am exactly the same, marriage over straight to this and 2 small children.
Mine was the same he didn't bond with them in 4 years. He is too selfish and self centred for that.
Please don't go back, I went back 4 times and each time was more painful.
I also feel that guilt over the marriage. It has passed now and i realise it is separate.
Has he been in touch?

How have your children coped with him leaving? Do they have a good relationship with their dad? We haven't spoke much since it happened yesterday. I spoke to him last night but he was so cold and had completely emotionally checked out already. I wanted to make some changes and try again...I wanted to try but I guess it's just the grief talking. He wasn't interested. He has moved on. It's hard going from thousands of texts a day and seeing each other a lot to basically zero. That is what I'm finding it hard to cope with

@wanttofeelsafe
The kids are ok, my oldest said he felt the house was calmer and he is still young.
He will ask you to go back.
I tried everything, it will never work because he is who she is( talking about mine).
I found that hard too. The no texts.
My kids have a good relationship with their dad, do yours?
I am popping out for a walk with a friend, will reply in a few hours.
Please believe me it will get better and you and your kids deserve so much more x