Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@NativeAustralian
It does seem like the same man, hate it that we have all suffered but i have some comfort in the fact I am not alone if that makes sense?

I think mine had too, he wouldn't admit it but i think that is why he exercises to excess , to try and keep it at bay. @BuffaloMozzerella
Also pointed out that his weird sexual habits could be linked to narcissism, i googled this and there was a lot of reading.
You should not feel guilty.
Were there any signs of addictive personality?

@Lochie662
Imagine it was. I can't believe how alike they are.
Your song and dance routine cheered me up earlier.
Thanks xx

@NativeAustralian

My exes ex was Australian, it did make me think. But they met in.... 2006 That kind of time. So I don't think it's you.

It gave me pause for thought though lol.

@NativeAustralian

I'm glad it helped. We should have an agreement , every day at a certain time we all put on some happy music and dance. I love dancing. And in my mind I am amazing lol.

It's been a hard day today, I've been wondering if it was all just me and everything that happened was because I deserved it. It's so frustrating to just lose clarity.

Sorry that last message is for @Nursing2029

@Lochie662
Yes I love that idea.

I have those thoughts too but there is no way it was us. Please don't think that.
I sometimes think its karma for leaving my marriage.
We need to stop those thoughts.
What was your ex like with your son?
He wasn't in the slightest bit interested in my kids.

@Nursing2029

Hypothetically he was really interested in my son.... The reality not so much.

At the beginning he would ask questions , be interested. By the end he forgot that he was a priority to me... Saying why can't you do this or that? I'd have to remind him, he'd be like "oh, right", I got the feeling he forgot he existed sometimes...

My son is my life, he's lovely, very bright and interesting. He's saw me so sad about this and it affects him. I need to move on for his sake.

@Lochie662
Same here, he would ask at first then that slipped away and he would see it as an inconvenience if we had to be somewhere at a certain time.
Same here, my kids can see me suffering and it makes me feel so bad.
I was thinking today its like i have forgotten how to just be me.
My every thought was consumed by him, trying to figure out why he did or said something and then wondering what he was up to.
I can't switch off from it.
Its crazy that we miss these relationships. X

@Nursing2029

I read something that made me think..

You know at the beginning of the relationship he asked loads of questions, thought you were absolutely delightful and interesting? There wasn't a story or piece of information about you that he didn't want to know?

Well that information building exercise is so that they can find out what makes you happy and mirror it back to you during idealisation.

And they can find out what you fear and use this to hurt you during devaluation.

Well , the idea is that, whatever the narc used against us to hurt us ( for me it is a fear of abandonment, and a fear of not being seen). Well these are "core wounds". And that's where our efforts need to go during recovery.

The narcissist has done us a favour in exposing these to us , so we can work on them. Thank you narcissist!! (Not)

And the idea is, if we work on these and heal ourselves we won't ever be attractive to another narcissist, because we would have more strength and higher self esteem and be able to see straight through them.

It's something to think about. Maybe spend some time just thinking about you. Work out how he hurt you and why you got so hurt, are there other issues you haven't resolved?

It's a bit deep, I apologise.

@Lochie662
No need to apologise, this all really helps.
I think at the start I didn't want to be on my own to think about my failed marriage.
I was at a low and he got me, did everything right. Took me places, asked questions, attention and affection.
The minute I started to get any confidence back he chipped away
My big fear is my own company and feeling lonely.
I need to get a grip soon, its not fair on the kids.

He said his ex wife just left, no explanation and his last relationship was a nightmare, all her fault.
He said things to me that weren't even true. He would apologise to me about the weather, said things like he wasn't brave enough to put things on my plate incase it wasn't what I wanted, I never behaved like that.
He also said i attracted drama, was a hypochondriac, always making comments about other women.
My head is really mucked up x

I read a lot of this website when I was in the thick of it all. I liked the way she understood having been through it, but also helps you to get you to focus back on yourself (rather than just trying to understand their shitty confusing behaviour which is not possible to understand anyway)

blog.melanietoniaevans.com

He made your head really fucked up. He really did. This isn't a "it was a messed up situation , there was fault on both sides situation "... HE did this to you. He's the reason you feel empty. If you had left your husband in 2016 and been single since, how do you imagine you'd be feeling. I bet it would be a lot better than what you actually feel.

You don't feel this way because you have lost love.... You feel this way because you were never, ever given it. You were instead given toxicity and poison.

That video I mentioned earlier about Richard Grannon, the first thing he talks about is that a good relationship should never leave you feeling confused. The second thing he says how a good relationship should never turn you into an investigator trying to work out what happens, he then talks about coercion .... Give it a few minutes. It might give you some peace that this is genuinely an awful, abusive, toxic relationship that you have left.

Start writing stuff down maybe. Comments he made, how you felt. Start seeing patterns.

@BuffaloMozzerella
Thanks:)
I have forgotten how to do anything for me. I will have a look xx

@Nursing2029 you will though. You are still in shock, grieving and trying to make sense of it all. You still need time to recover and adjust.

@Lochie662
I remember near the end, well the end the first time I wrote down all the incidents and there were a lot.
I spent the first year apologising and grovelling for stuff he made happen.
He lost his temper very quickly over small things, i just thought it was one offs.
He really hated it when i was one step ahead and caught him out but still managed to turn it round.
I remember the first time I looked for reassurance over something from him and he was horrible. Something he should have been apologising for and he ended up shouting at me.
He always made me feel it was my fault.
Told me to grow up on several occasions and stop acting like a child.
He is vile.
He didn't like it that I wasn't scared of him, i just stopped reacting.
When he bruised my arm he denied.
Pushed me into a wall he blamed me for making a mark.
Sorry long rant xx

It's very addictive, all the highs and lows. Every moment almost was consumed by one or the other. I'm not saying I didnt have a life as well but it wasn't at the forefront somehow like he was.

Now I just feel totally empty and alone. So many hours to fill and no motivation to actually do anything. I've added myself to a waiting list for counselling, but may see if I can afford to go private..

@NativeAustralian
I feel the same,although today I am trying to rhink of the positives.
We do have time and feel empty but i felt empty with him and was on eggshells all the time.

I was always living his life. He acted like a spoiled child if something we did wasn't his choice but made out i always wanted things my way.
I found doing small tasks has helped.
I hope you are okay x

it was at a point when we were happy and it has been playing on my mind

That's what I struggle with, the good times towards the end. I felt as if there was hope, things were looking up, we were making plans. With the way things turned out those times now seem like rubbing salt in the wounds. That's horrible - those videos. I'm not surprised you struggle with that.

Lochie yes I did get help from WA, they were great. They helped me get things in order and listened to my woes. I think it helps to give things labels - shortens a lot of conversations!

I have learnt so much about narcissism since we split up. I knew a bit before but I had to be so careful about what I was looking up because he made sure I thought he could see everything I was looking at. I used to wonder about going to the library to use their computers.

Sam Vankin said that once you stop the narcissistic supply you are no longer any use to them, that's why they move on. You were never anything, just a supply to boost their fragile ego.

Mine wasn't diagnosed with any MH conditions (he'd never go to the doctors - what would they know!) but he was certainly addictive.

I've added myself to a waiting list for counselling, but may see if I can afford to go private..

It's definitely a good idea to talk to someone in RL, it does help.

I was always living his life. He acted like a spoiled child if something we did wasn't his choice but made out i always wanted things my way.

Mine did whatever he wanted, I never stopped him from doing anything he wanted to do but I was always to blame for him not being able to do what he wanted.

@TimelyManor
The videos haunt me, wish i had never seen them. He was doing if for years, never found out until the end.
Some of the stuff makes me question his sexuality which hurts too.

That last statement is exactly how mine behaved. He said he always felt like he needed permission , which was rubbish.
My mind just doesn't know how to switch off. I was always worried and wondering what he was doing when we were not together.
I should be glad of the release.
I hate that he has made me loose my confidence and any sense of myself. I feel pathetic.

There's a line in the evanescence song, my immortal. Something like.

I try to tell myself that you're gone...
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.

That describes it for me. I don't know if the songs about a narcissist, certainly a toxic person .

You are not pathetic @Nursing2029, dont let those negative thoughts take over.
You will get your confidence back but you need to pretend it's there for now.

And yes, you should 100% be glad of the release, infact not just glad but overjoyed and thankful.

It's time for you to get your old self back, do something every day that is the 'old' you, before you met this waste of human skin.

I started off by making sure I had bold lipstick on every day, I know it sounds silly but to me that was my little bit of confidence, that was my way of showing the world I was fine regardless of how empty and shaken i felt behind closed doors.

These 2 songs really helped me in the early days:
Rise, by katy perry
Wild horses by birdie.

@Lochie662
Its certainly true.
Sounds silly but what got to me was that nothing would hurt him. If he had shown some remorse I might have felt better.
Even after finding the videos I thought he might make an effort and look for forgiveness but he didn't. Empty shell.

@Anthilda
Thanks. I have been listening to stronger by Kelly Clarkson too.
This is going to sound silly but when I was married I didn't feel in love or a strong bond and was envious of that love that resulted in strong emotions, this has felt like torture.
4 years of questioning everything and constantly thinking.
Did you ever worry about your ex moving on?

@Nursing2029

It's so fucked up though, from what I understand about narcissism , when you've seen through their "false image" ( this happened when you saw the videos, probably already started before that though,and it was inevitable, it always happens) then you are no longer acceptable as a "primary supply", and you never will be again. You might be acceptable as secondary supply ( you want to be his friend while he marries someone else, I've been there, got the t-shirt, it's awful).

They might contact you, hoover you, make the right noises for a short period of time but it is impossible to get back to that long term position of primary supply. It won't happen. It's not you who has left the relationship, it's him that won't offer one in any sort of decent way.

You can go back and test it, but every time the "haooiness" will be shorter and the devaluation and discard will be harder.