Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

All of this that you are all talking about brings back so many horrible memories.

It's like theyve all graduated from the school of narcissism!

It has been so helpful to see everyone holding out their hand to help each other along on this journey.

For me, even years and years later I'm still anxious most of the time. I have fought to get the old me back and have done well to come as far as I have.

I never thought I could lift my head off the pillow again, I never thought that awful anxious and uncertain feeling would shift, I never thought I'd sleep properly again.

I thought I had lost all my dignity, self worth, a part of my soul (I know, seems dramatic). But when you have been in this situation as all of you here have, you can relate to that horrible sludgy black treacle that you have to wade through in order to get your happiness back.

And its nice to know that I'm not alone, I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy, but there are others here supporting and encouraging.

I had an identical experience to others here. Marriage breakdown, narc had a strong radar for my vulnerability, pounced, love bombed, deliberately and slowly chipped away at my self worth, mental health and played mind games from day 1.

My family were called vile names, he took money from me and never paid back, he was greedy and selfish with his time, he triangulated me, he ridiculed and belittled me in more ways than one.
I could go on.

I'm so glad hes in the past. I have never looked back, and never will.

Dont ever show weakness.
Be strong, appear strong, show him you do not need him any more.
But most importantly keep working on you, your happiness.

It does get easier in time but in my case, the impact on my mental health, its always there now.

Oh yeah, making themselves out to be the victims of our 'unacceptable behaviour' when we dare object to being treated like doormats. How they manipulate situations is absolutely incredible, they are such entitled, fragile babies.
This is not our fault. We are better off alone than relying on these horrible stunted individuals with no depth or compassion.
Yes - I am angry today.
Grateful to find others who understand though, in the club nobody wants to be in 🥴
Wishing you all a good night, and a stronger tomorrow.

Hope you all sleep well

Morning everyone, and welcome @Leahm1713119 :) have just caught up with everyone's posts from last night, I had a zoom call with my oldest 3 friends which was lovely....we were on for 4 hours! But like @NativeAustralian it is harder if they haven't been in it and are happy with their partners etc.

It's these mornings I'm finding hard, I seem to be stronger in the evenings. I'm enjoying doing the bedtime routine with my little ones without having to rush it because he is waiting to come over etc. He demanded all my time.

I'm feeling really weak today, I just did some weeding in the garden as it was annoying me and my muscles are achy. I haven't ate since Friday night so whatever happens today I am going to eat something. My mum is coming over today to go for a walk with me and the kids.

Xx

Kids-I think it's interesting what everyone is saying about this. Mine was desperate to move in and take them on and do all the family stuff and then when reality hits he doesn't want to move in and take them on. They spend 50% of the time with their dad so I couldn't understand why it would be so difficult. He wanted me to himself 100% But like you guys have said, he didn't like them, started off saying what a wonderful parent I was and what a great job I was doing to ending up saying they are rude and not very nice kids. They are lovely lovely kids and they are my world but he left me because he didn't want to share me with them

Morning everyone.
It sounds like you had a good night @wanttofeelsafe.
I am struggling a bit, i never slept and have woken with that feeling in the pit of my stomach.
We were both supposed to be off work just now and i keep wondering what we would be doing and wondering what he is up to.
He isn't even a nice person and I can't understand why i feel like this.

He would say that the kids never listened to me and would judge if they ever did the smallest thing wrong.
I hate yhis feeling, i felt so positive and strong yesterday and today I feel awful.
I don't think keeping in contact is helping at all.

@Anthilda
I missed your post last night. Lovely words, i hope you are okay. These guys are just awful. I feel like i can barely lift my head this morning. X

Should say I never slept a lot.

@Nursing2029 I hope you are ok, I know that feeling in the chest is just so draining and tiring. I'm getting it in the mornings. I think you've got to try and minimise the contact if you can-what are the messages like that are going between you? My ex has gone on holiday by himself-social media posts of him smiling on the beach-clearly not a second thought. Im still in bed :( keep thinking of the times you do feel positive-and know that you will feel that way again.

@wanttofeelsafe
Thanks, it is so over powering. I was convinced yesterday that it was gone and I felt so good.
The messages and phone calls are frequent and make me think he can be nice, its like a constant argument with myself because in my head I know he isn't.
They are so heartless aren't they, at least he is away somewhere.
How are you feeling today x

Maybe just take it one thing at a time. We all read about being non contact being the best way but it is hard and although I didn't message last night I wanted to. Maybe keep the messaging but stop the phone calls first? I keep asking myself what I will get out of the message: the only thing I want to hear is that he's made a massive mistake and is coming back. But in reality he's going to be formal and short with me and give me nothing. And then I hurt all over again. I wish we could all speed this up.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better than when I first woke up, but we've got to just keep going until we feel a bit better again. I'm seeing my mum today but in my head it's not seeing him and nothing seems to match up

@Nursing2029

I'm not going to tell you to go no contact ( I was queen of staying in contact when I shouldn't) , I am sure you will do what's right for you.

Just to say I have been no contact under my own steam and I have been no contact because he fully blocked me. And doing it for myself was much, much better for my mental health. I felt like I was taking control. When he did it I felt like a child.

This time I believe we have both fully blocked and it is going so much better than I thought it would. Every day I am grateful that I haven't had his poison dripping in my ear. Every day I'm happy he hasn't tried to contact me. It really does get easier.

Sorry you're having a bad morning. Xxxx

@wanttofeelsafe
I know where you are coming from, that is how I feel. I am meeting friends but it doesn't feel right because its not him.
Thing is if it was him he would make me miserable.
I wish it would speed up too.
Not sure if the contact just fuels the addiction.
I feel ashamed of myself, I should be setting a better example for my kids and be staying strong.
I long for him to be here to make me feel better but in reality I know he made me feel ten times worse.

@Lochie662
Thanks for the advice.
I know its pointless, even if he was nice which he will never be he would never give my kids or me what we deserve and nothing that he had done will disappear.
I have always thought that I was being mentally strong and he wasn't affecting me hut he has.
I was feeling so proud of myself yesterday and I feel rubbish today..are you ok?
X

@Nursing2029

Yesterday was a win, a taste of what it will be like, just hold on to it as much as possible.

One thing I always thought was that... I knew what he was like so i thought he couldn't surprise me any more? I thought I was in this conversation, this place with someone that I understood and that would neutralise the effect it could have on me?

I was wrong. My ex can cut me off at the knees and I'm still absolutely stunned by his capacity to be able to do it. You can never win. He will never let you. You have standards and morals that mean you will only go so low, he will always go lower.

He is in the gutter and he can't get any higher. The only way to continue with this relationship is to get down there with him. And that's no life at all.

And anyone that compromised themselves, settled in the gutter and tried their best to make it comfortable? They will still be discarded. They will still be left. There's nothing to win here.

@Lochie662
Thanks, that really helps.
I am the same i thought I could deal with it because he couldn't get worse. He always did.
He has a knack of making me quickly forget how bad he is or how bad things got.
The day he bruised me a few hours later we were sitting eating pizza and he didn't even apologise for it, it wasn't him apparently. And I just blocked it all out.
I always thought I was the sort of person who would never stand for that.
Not even sure i am physically attracted to him anymore or even like him, it is such an addictive situation .
Starting to feel a bit better, thanks for listening:).
X

Morning all!
I actually slept better last night, woke at 2, then again at 5 and I've actually just woke up again! My eyes are very puffy from all the crying still, look like I've been smacked in the face at the moment.
Mornings are hard for me as for that split second it's forgotten and normally I would either text him first thing or he would be next to me and neither is happening.
I'm not at work today, I have an appointment with my second son at cahms so hopefully getting a diagnosis for him today with a firm treatment plan, it's been a very stressful 2 years waiting for him to receive help!
I am working the rest of this week, but then have 3 weeks off and am dreading it.
Sorry for those that didn't sleep well last night, hope you are all ok x

@Leahm1713119
Morning, the morning are like that for me too, sorry you are feeling this way too.
I hope your appointment goes well today, 2 years is a long time to wait.
I am off just now and it is actually better than when I was working, it might be the break you need to rest and recharge.
You have so much going on, I hope you are ok xx

What I'm thinking today is that all of our confidence has been destroyed by these relationships.

There is something I absolutely 100% believe to be true.

Narcissists are only EVER able to idealise a primary source of supply ( i.e. you) because they see a great deal of potential in you. They like an awful lot about you. You fit their idea of potential partner extremely well.

It's superficial , they can't love. But the narcissist looked at you and saw something he wanted to have for himself. He looked at your value and nodded to himself. Yes, I want that.

So we all need to realise that we have qualities and positive attributes that make us valuable.

Our value is not in the gutter, it's sky high. And we have to start taking care of us to maintain it.

@Lochie662
That is such a positive way to think.
Thanks, helps so much.
I am going to listen to some music and cheer myself up.
Did you ever listen to Halsey - so sad.

Such an appropriate song.
My new book is arriving today too. :) x

@Nursing2029 I'm sorry that you are struggling today, who is initiating the contact between the two of you? I'm still checking my phone all the time to see if he has messaged me, which is stupid as I know he wouldn't. Hope you are ok x

@Lochie662 yes you are so right, in one of the last texts I sent s I pretty much said I was a good person, I am raising 4 amazing children despite their issues, I own my own house and have a fantastic career and I've done that all my self and the things he says about me to try and break me down won't change any of that! That's when he stepped it up a gear and told me he couldn't see anyone wanting me or my children.
Hope your positive vibe stays today x

Would anyone be up for maybe a little whatsapped group for support? Is that even allowed off a thread? Not sure if it goes against nm values??

@Leahm1713119
I would be up for the WhatsApp group. You can direct message people so I think its up to individuals if they want to be involved and pass numbers on privately.
Its me who is doing most of the contacting, so annoyed with myself.x

For everyone that is checking their phone all the time ( I've been there, I've lost entire days in bed just staring at my phone).

The thing I'd you're setting up new pathways in your brain. I did some reading and checking constantly is just another route to madness. So I started doing a few things just to try and break the pattern.

Leave your phone in another room while you go to do the dishes, or have a bath, or watch one programme. I put it in a drawer usually. Turn the sound down so you don't hear it. Take your time anf try and leave it as long as possible.

Go out and leave your phone behind at least once a day. You will be surprised by how much more you engage with what's happening around you, when you don't have one eye on your phone. Even if it's a ten minute walk, it helps.

And this was the hardest thing for me. Don't sleep with your phone. Go to bed with a book and leave your phone either at the other side of the room or the hallway. Try to disengage with the idea that he is in your phone.

Xxx