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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

498 replies

Nursing2029 · 19/07/2020 15:57

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

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Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 21:50

@NativeAustralian
At least you are you now saying you will get through this, we will.
When we start again we will be healed.
Same here, would have done anything to please him.
I would do anything to save someone from this. No one deserves this.
Did you have a gut feeling early on?

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NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 21:51

@Leahm1713119 ah yes...nobody will ever love you like I do. You'll end up all alone, everyone else has seen through you,and if they havent its because they dont know you like I do.

Do they read this from a script or what?!

I've never heard anything so vile and viscous as the things he said to me, it was like there was no bottom to the depths he would stop. Sometimes I actually used to gasp at what he said.

Confronting him over it did no good,even when things were calm,as hed "been provoked", or "if you want to take it that way,its not my fault" ,or " well you said xyz "to me.

Another thing..hed twist words crazily, and then get angry as though I'd actually said them, it was bizarre..

NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 21:55

@Nursing2029 I'm not sure if I had a gut feeling. He was really good early on. Ticked the boxes,attentive, kind,loving,so incredibly intelligent and funny.I guess the red flags would be love bombing and wanting to move the relationship on very very quickly to commitment.

Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 21:57

@NativeAustralian
I suppose my gut was more leading me towards the sexting, knew he was up to something all along.
The narcasstic behaviour was an added bonus. What a catch my guy was .

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Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:01

[quote NativeAustralian]@Leahm1713119 ah yes...nobody will ever love you like I do. You'll end up all alone, everyone else has seen through you,and if they havent its because they dont know you like I do.

Do they read this from a script or what?!

I've never heard anything so vile and viscous as the things he said to me, it was like there was no bottom to the depths he would stop. Sometimes I actually used to gasp at what he said.

Confronting him over it did no good,even when things were calm,as hed "been provoked", or "if you want to take it that way,its not my fault" ,or " well you said xyz "to me.

Another thing..hed twist words crazily, and then get angry as though I'd actually said them, it was bizarre..[/quote]
Exactly, he ended things Friday because I had asked him about setting up a standing order to repay some money he owed me. He then started texting me Friday saying how I was out of order, how rubbish I've made him feel. Despite my replies if it wasn't meant like that, was an innocent question. I was in the middle of having my hair done so just told him to F off. So his answer to being so vile to me and so personal is because I told him to F off.
Feeling more positive talk g with you guys, it's certainly helping!

Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:04

@Nursing2029 yeah, house is deadly quite, my youngest are with their dad for the week now as I'm working and no childcare still.
I was absolutely fine at work today, I'm a nurse, as soon as I got in the car on way home I cried knowing the house would be even emptier than normal.
My kids were wary of him I think, especially my eldest two, definitely walking on egg shells when he was about

Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:10

@leahm1713119
I hope you are okay, talking on here helps.
Thats when I feel alone when the kids are gone.
I have felt bit better as the weeks have gone on.
I had forgotten what it was like to watch what I wanted on TV.
My kids were on eggshells and I try to remember that when I think i want him back.
Are you sleeping okay?

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Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:13

@Leahm1713119
The first time mine left I had told him to f#ck off over a comment he made, so he said OK i will and that was it ended. My fault apparently.

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Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:13

@Nursing2029 no sleep is very bad at the moment, think I've managed about 8 hours since Thursday night. I'm exhausted, so hoping will sleep. I've been listening to Alan watts on you tube, his voice is really soothing, so hopefully that will help tonight x

NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 22:13

I think in a normal relationship, you have space to be you, and keep your identity. In these ones,they literally invade every thought and your whole life is geared to them. Fighting,making up,keeping them sweet,worrying. That's why we feel so lonely and empty. And of course when they show us how nice they can be,and we melt and think this is the real them.

Plus they've taken our confidence, self esteem,we actually wonder if there is an element of truth in their perception of us.

I was forever having to say " but that's not what I said/ meant/ thought etc. Even the most innocent of comments or actions would get misconstrued and twisted. Totally exhausting. He would goad and goad until I retorted, then be angry or cry at what I'd said and how heartless and callous I was!!

Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:18

@Leahm1713119
I hope you do manage to sleep.
Mine has improved a lot.
Best advice I had on here was to set a small routine and do one thing at a time. I have found this thread so helpful. On a daily basis there has been support xx

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Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:21

@NativeAustralian
Honestly i think we have been seeing the same man. Joking but my god the similarities are scary.
I was constantly defending what I said.
He said i always made him feel like he was in the wrong. It was utterly exhausting.
I just feel broken but only way is forward x

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Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:22

@NativeAustralian omg yes! I felt so lonely even with him, could never depend on him. I used to ask to see him, and everything came before me, gym, fishing, shooting, friends, alone time. Would only see me if he wanted. Yet if he wanted to see me and I had plans, he would sulk and get moody, but babes I really wanted to see you, I miss you, I've been thinking about you all day, I've had such a rubbish day I just need you and I'd always give in, cancel my plans!! What a mug I was!

Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:24

@Nursing2029 yeah just talking things through with you girls makes me feel less alone already!
I'm hopeful I get a better night sleep tonight.
One day at a time and if that's too much and hour at a time x

NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 22:24

This thread is brilliant, the best thing going!
I've not met a single person in real life who gets it,except on here.
People are well meaning,they really are but unless they have been in a relationship like this,they cannot relate.
Forget it,move on,stop thinking about it,find someone else, you could have your pick,(?!?!),told you so etc is all I've heard.
Doesnt help.At all.

Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:29

@Leahm1713119
I hope you do..we will be hear tomorrow if you need us.
Exactly the same here, could never depend on him. He NEEDED space on his own..his running was his priority.
He actually turned me into a mad woman. So glad we can help eachother . @NativeAustralian is right no one else gets how bad it is. X

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Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:30

@NativeAustralian
My head at the moment is filled with all the terrible things he has said! Maybe I am unlovable, maybe my kids are so damaged they won't ever amount to anything and maybe that's all on me :( I just want my head to quieten down for a bit, stop the whizzing of the thoughts the what ifs, the questions that I so desperately want answers too, but never will! I just want it all to stop!

NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 22:31

Hope we can all sleep..I'm trying for the first time since the massive degrading, awful scene that ended this( which I keep reliving) ,to sleep without knocking myself out with meds. Even with them though,every single morning I wake up in a panic attack. Not a nice way to start the day..

One day at a time,sometimes even 5 minutes at a time...

Leahm1713119 · 27/07/2020 22:33

Sleep well girls, hopefully it's restful x

Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:33

@Leahm1713119
Remember he is the damaged one. No one else. X

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Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:36

@NativeAustralian
I hope you sleep well.
I had that in the morning for a while . Overwhelmed by it. And like someone on the post said, it started to ease. I hope it eases for you soon. X

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NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 22:40

@Leahm1713119 its trauma.its ptsd. We are suffering from the effects of abuse. Mine said the same things about my
( almost adult) kids if they were bolshy. It was my fault,useless parent,look at how they've turned out, failures like you.
( ironic as they are amazing high acheivers)
He told me my professional qualifications were hardly " a first from Oxford, and his brother earned a sh#t load more than me so I wasn't that great.

Just lovely.

NativeAustralian · 27/07/2020 22:41

Heres wishing us all the peaceful sleep we deserve x

Lochie662 · 27/07/2020 22:43

Goodnight everybody. Congratulations on making it through another day.xxxx

Nursing2029 · 27/07/2020 22:50

Goodnight ladies. So glad to have found people who understand to talk to. Sleep well Bear

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