Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@wanttofeelsafe
Morning
I was like that for a couple of weeks, waking at 5am. It has got a bit better.
These are all the things that I was thinking and feeling a few weeks back and I was the same as you I was planning on ending it but when it happened I felt all these things.
Did you read anything on trauma bonds? X

@wanttofeelsafe sorry you didnt sleep well. That only enhances the anxiety and confusion. A visit to your doctor to share how you are feeling may help.
I woke anxious at 4am too but I got back to sleep eventually. I sometimes draft emails with what id like to say to him now, but that Id never send, i find that helps get it off my chest.
@Nursing2029 im glad you are starting to feel better. Its like a rollercoaster of emotion for the first few weeks isnt it, detoxing off the Narc drug. Keep it up👍
Have a good day.

@heartlikepaper
Thanks..not going to lie there are still crushing lows. But the physical pain is going away.
Hope you have a good day too.
This made me laugh.x

@Nursing2029 glad your physical pain is getting better I can't wait for that to get better too. Am using Bach's rescue remedy a lot, don't know if it helps or not. Has anyone tried anything else? Not sure whether to see the dr for something to help me sleep

@wanttofeelsafe
Have you eaten?
I tried lavender too but found that time has been the solution for me.
A week ago today I was awful, at rock bottom.
You Will soon realise he was the drain on you.
Xx

No I still haven't eaten. Last ate on Saturday but that was just a small amount of chocolate. I can't stomach it. Do I need more help from the dr or am I being pathetic?

@wanttofeelsafe
You are not pathetic at all. Honestly look back on this post and you will see how I felt not so long ago.
I will probably feel like that again but just now I feel like something has lifted.
You need to eat, i survived on cereal and sandwiches on crisps for days try anything.
Its totally up to you if you ask the doctor for help.
Please believe me it will get better xx

I suggested seeing the doctor as Im concerned about your lack of sleep and eating @wanttofeelsafe. I had to do it myself as I was going mad with lack of sleep going on too long. No judgement. Of course it is up to you. Rest assured getting support and advice if you need it is not pathetic.
@Nursing2029 Glad you feel like spmething has lifted for you. You are right, it will get better, a little bit more day by day. Take care X

@heartlikepaper
Thanks. Let's hope it stays like this.
@wanttofeelsafe I totally agree, if you need to see the doctor go for it, you are definitely not pathetic so please don't think that.
Lack of sleep leads to anxiety etc.
I hope you are ok xx

I had this for over a month of not eating or sleeping and eventually I got some sertraline from the dr which really helped calm me down.
Going NC was the best decision I ever made. I strongly advise it.
Otherwise, you are just compounding your grief, and it is grief. So allow yourself to heal as someone who is bereaved.

@anthilda very good advice, it is a bereavement, grief is the word. Thanks

@Anthilda
Thanks for the advice.
One thing I am struggling with is why does this feel worse than divorce or any other break up when it was in fact the worst relationship I have been in :(

@nursing2029
Thats what it feels like to me too & Im asking myself that very same question. Sad all day, missing him and really angry at him at the same time. The lows really match the highs.
maybe thats why it feels the worst, cos in the beginning when it was good it was really insanely good... so the bad is really insanely bad.😞

Everything I've read has said it feels so bad because it was NEVER a relationship. It's just one long manipulation set up to make you act in a way that gives them supply.

Love bombing and you looking at them with absolute adoration? Ding!! Their needs are met and they are satiated.

They see your flaws and start to devalue you?.. but they miss the supply from the adoration, so what do they do?.... Make you angry, make you react, make them realise that they can affect you.... Ding!!!.... It feeds them just the same.

And you are just one form of supply. You know the little black book that some guys have?, phoning exes from 20 years ago? That's what they do. I would bet that each of our exes has contacted multiple people from their past just now. Temporary supply till the get a new primary supply set up.

We were just energy. They never saw anything other than how we made them feel. It wasn't a relationship, we were used.

And they made us addicted to them so we would hang around, ready to supply them.

We were there for a love connection. But it was a lie from the first love bombing moment. It was never love.

@Lochie662
Thanks for that
It totally makes sense and helps. Its horrible to think it was all a lie.
I keep getting pangs of wanting him back, why am I so weak?
He was always messaging his ex wife or old friend's that he was attracted to.
He made me so paranoid as he always spoke about attractive women.
He always loved any Facebook attention from them too.
He turned me into a mad woman x

Hi all, can I join too?
I started my own thread last night and reading through this one has been amazing! Full of omg me too moments!
I met my now ex,S, last March and things moved amazingly fast, was totally love bombed by him, thought I'd met the man of my dreams. I had separated from my husband about a year before i met S. once I was fully hooked it's been chipped away at. If I question something I was given the silent treatment, always pushed away, shut out and made to seem crazy. I always had to have the right amount of talk, too much and I was annoying, too little and I wasn't interested in him. Frequently told I'm in a weird mood. My mindset is odd. My two oldest boys are disgusting and he loved me but can't deal with them. Still I always went back, he could say cutting horrible vile remarks and would swiftly follow it up with, I need to suck it up, how I can't take criticism so that's why he don't talk to me anymore. Somehow I always ended up apologising, chasing begging and saying it would work.
I lent him £1000 about 6 weeks ago and he hasn't made any effort yet to pay back the money, I asked him Thursday if he was going to set the standing order up soon and that was enough to start it off. I made him feel like dirt, like a criminal, how dare I make him fee that way. So he ended it, I tried to placate him and he just became vile so I've decided to go no contact.
Could really do with someone that understands how I feel right now!
Sorry for me mumbling on, that was a lot longer than I thought it would be!
Xx

@Leahm1713119
Hi
Of course you can, please don't apologise.
Are you ok?
It all sounds familiar, if ever I asked him for money he owed me he made me ask loads and acted like he was doing me a favour when he gave me it back, eventually.
How was he with your kids? Mine couldn't have cared less about my two.
These guys sound like clones.
Everytime mines threatened to leave i ended up begging him, he was always saying that. 2 or 3 on the morning and he would be going to leave, me begging him to stay.
I had to chase him up the street once. And it was always him who started it.
I talked him into trying again 4 times even though I wanted it to be over, i was never ready to let go.
Its such a horrible situation.
I hope you are ok, this sounds awful. Xx

I think that is the strangest thing. I've been in a very long term relationship which ended.Plus I've been married and had children with someone. I've lost parents and grandparents.

I can honestly say that I have never been in such a state. It must be because our mental health has been systematically destroyed over weeks and months...like the boiling frog analogy, and we couldn't see it.

I still can't concentrate and my memory is totally shot. I have to keep telling myself that yes this is bad, but I'm going to come through it.

@Nursing2029 its turned me into all kinds of crazy too. I had a reputation for being calm and very empathic, never raise my voice,logical and practical.

With him I had to be defensive, argue like I was on trial for my life, and indeed ended up literally screaming when I couldn't take anymore.

According to him,I was abusive,passive aggressive, mentally ill,schizophrenic ,bitter ..in fact I filled an A4 page with insults and names he'd called me.

He'd fly into a rage and then say " right,you've caused this mess.You figure out how to sort it out".

He'd follow me from room to room to argue and rage ,and I wouldn't say a word sometimes,then he'd say " you're like a dog with a bone,you wont let it go" So deluded.

And then I wonder why its affected me so badly!!!

Honestly I feel lost right now! Stupid isn't it, we actually split up last October and I deleted him completely and we didn't talk for about 4 weeks, but then he messaged me accidentally and at first I didn't even realise it was him, then I got another accident my message, it was something to do with plumbing and I messaged this unknown number back saying sorry you've got the wrong number I'm not a plumber and he replied straight away with a nasty horrible message and I knew it was him instantly. And stupidly got sucked back in again.
We have had issues since lockdown started, he doesn't live with me and I have 4 children, my eldest 2 dad passed away December 17, Mu eldest boys have obviously taken loosing their dad badly and my second boy has had a complete mental breakdown and we are waiting a diagnosis for ptsd, but his behaviour has spiralled and he hasn't managed school, lies, steals, runs away and is rather challenging at the moment. S never got on with my eldest 2, hated their behaviour and would often tell me where I've gone wrong and it's all my fault. My youngest 2 he was ok with, didn't make an effort with any of them though, but tolerated the younger two so much better than the elder two. But he hated that i wasn't horrible about my husband. We had a fairly good break up and we would still talk a lot about the children, my ex husband has been an amazing dad to my youngest 2 but equally was a great step dad to my eldest and was supporting me with my second son, would attend school, gp and specialist appointments with me and stuff. That caused major issues with S, so I dampened down things with my ex husband and now it's literally one or two word sentences.
Kids aren't aware of anything at the moment and I'd prefer to keep it that way as long as possible. S hasn't been around that much for a good few weeks anyway, so it's easy to say he is busy if I'm asked where he is.
How are you feeling today?

@Leahm1713119 welcome to the thread nobody wants to join! So sorry for what you are going through,but yes another clone to add to the clusterB,dark triad,narcissistic crew.

And all those vile remarks he made to you?? Well you know YOU caused them, and he was only trying to "help"you by being honest...so you dont want a helpful honest partner then? Shows how deranged you are...yup,that was what I got told,bet you were the same...these men are downright evil.

@NativeAustralian
I am the same, divorce, death of loved ones nothing has hit as hard as this.
Are you feeling any better?
Everytime someone writes something about their ex i can totally relate.
I am considered to be quiet by most people and he he said I was aggressive, controlling, always had to get things my way. I loved and attracted drama.
He said he was too scared to put food on my plate incase I went mad. The list is endless.
It is no wonder we have ended up feeling this way x

Yes native, often told he can't talk to me because I can't handle it. Or he has told me what to do if I don't remember or don't do it it's nothing to do with him.
His last words to me were, he can't ever see anyone willing to put up with my mindset, my expectations are to great, I'm economical with the truth and even if I find someone that will put up with me he highly doubts they will put up with those two "things" meaning my eldest boys. And if I do happen to find someone they will most likely be a piece of scum with no morals or values. Like wow, how vile is that!
Why am so devastated still?

@Nursing2029 I kind of swing between anger, devastation, loneliness, panic..and occasional determination that I will see this through. It's all the conflicting emotions, that's what's so draining...and the thought thought of having to start again from such a rubbish damaged place.

And yes,I too was told everything had to be my way ( when in fact I'd given up every boundary I had). Apparently I caused every argument too.....

This thread actually should be a sticky of warning signs shouldn't it, if one person could be saved from this,it would be so worth it.

@Leahm1713119
That sounds really tough. You already have a lot to deal with and he has offered no support.
Mine didn't live with me either, he was never ready. Thank goodness.
My ex is also a great dad and my ex always tried to get me to take him to court or to make pick up or drop off difficult.
I am starting to feel a bit better but keep getting an overwhelming pang of messing him or anxiety over being alone. I hate it.
I should be happy this torture is over.
My kids say the house is calmer now he isn't coming round but i still miss him and i hate that.x