Struggling with life after a narcissitic relationship

[Nursing2029]

hi
My marriage ended 4 years ago, lack of feelings and i jumped straight into a relationship i thought was amazing.
4 years later and the relationship with the narcasstic has destroyed all confidence i have. I have gained weight and have a general fear of life.
I have 2 wonderful kids with my ex husband but I feel so overwhelmed with guilt over the end of the marriage and I have let the narcasstic wear me down so much I am anxious at the thought of a night on my own. Any advice would be appreciated x

@wanttofeelsafe
I meant because of who HE is. Predictive text.

We weren't living together which was something, due to my ongoing messy divorce and the kids had limited contact with him luckily. I'm so greatfull for that. It's great your children feel calmer. We have both had a lot of drama and then....nothing. That is hard. They have a good relationship with their dad and he is good with them but our relationship with each other is poor because he is so angry at me-feel like I should try and fix that as it's not good for the children. I don't think my ex will want to try again. He ended it and seemed adamant and the issues had been circulating for some time. He said they aren't going to go away. He just isn't up for it and that hurts.

@wanttofeelsafe sorry you have found your self here. I can relate to the physical pain,thought I was going to have a heart attack at one point, cant eat,cant sleep,panic attacks. I have no idea when it will go.
The texts you mention...did he deluge you with long messages all day every day and calls? I miss all that so much.its like an addiction and a comfort to think " oh hes thinking about me,someone cares" .

I honestly can't give much advice as I am still all over the place as you can see if you have read my posts.

All I can say is get ready for the" told you so" brigade, it's made me feel so crap. I just have to tell myself they have no idea really.

Keep talking on here, we've found our people.

Thx @NativeAustralian I am glad we've found our people too. I'm worried my best friend will get fed up of me talking about it. I'm just going round in circles in my head. How long has it been for you since it happened? I'm only on day 2 and I haven't eaten anything just having cups of tea and coffee etc and using Bach's rescue remedy. No idea if that works or not but I'll try anything. I'm a bit overweight so I'm just gonna let that roll right now. I spoke to my mum today and she said when she's a little bit anxious she starts to eat but when she's really really upset like we are she can't eat anything and I feel like I'm exactly the same. Have you gone NC? I'm really struggling with that, I've only sent one message today and I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of it really but I guess I want him back. I want him to have tried. I'm gutted he didn't want to try. That's what's cutting me up. He didn't love me enough. What was the reason for your breakup?

@wanttofeelsafe
Hi
Do you mean you wanted your marriage back?
I went through all sorts of emotions the last few weeks, it will get better.
The physical pain is over powering and the thought's are awful. Look at trauma bond.
Mine never tried despite all the awful things he did be was never in the wrong.
Everytime we got back together he was nice for a couple of days but that was it.
I haven't went NC but I need to.
I wasted 4 years like this.
Please eat and look after yourself. X

Sorry I wasn't clear! I don't know whether thoughts of both relationships are getting muddled. I ended my marriage and one of the reasons was this other guy. So I jumped straight in and didn't process the whole end of marriage thing. Now that new relationship just ended I'm thinking of my STBXH. Did I jump ship too soon? I guess it's probably natural to feel like I need to cling on to something/someone when I feel all at sea like this. I wanted new man to try but he didn't want to. He's doing NC with me I think. Says it will be easier for a few weeks. Ultimately he doesn't want to be fully involved in the whole family life thing with my kids, says he loves me, but can't do the whole thing.

@wanttofeelsafe
I am exactly the same. I had this relationship as a distraction of thinking about my marriage being over and now I feel like i am dealing with everything.
I figured if I wanted my marriage to last I would have stayed at the time. Believe me a week ago just now this is not how I was thinking.
For me the overwhelming fear of being on my own is what got to me.
Remember this guy has messed with your head too.
Mine would never move in, thank god.
Was yours married before?
Deep down i knew he never wanted a life with the kids, i am not sure why he even got involved with me.
Have you eaten?

@wanttofeelsafe
You and your kids deserve more.

I think that's what's going on, I'm feeling lonely and I know the kids want their dad around more etc so it's making me think that way. He dropped them off at lunchtime and it's so frosty. He would never forgive me anyway. I think I need to move on eventually to a completely new relationship. But that sounds insurmountable at the moment, dating, weeding out all the weirdos etc, I feel I'm too old for that. On another note my boys haven't seen me all weekend as they've been at their dads while breakup happened and as soon as they are home my youngest says he doesn't want to spend any time with new ex as he tells him what to do etc. Well that's not going to be such a problem now....

Not eaten yet no, my mouth is dry and I feel like it won't go down. I'm shaky and I don't know if it's adrenaline or low blood sugar. I'm cooking my kids some food now so I may try a nibble of that.

I'm really glad I found you guys. Hundreds of texts a day and all the 'I love you's' etc now going to zero is hard and it's good to get messages on my phone it's making me feel much less alone x

@wanttofeelsafe
I am so glad it has helped you. It has really helped me. I have been so low the last few weeks.
I feel the same about feeling too old to start again, but in my case it was inevitable that it was going nowhere and I think i would rather be happy and single than in this relationship for any longer.
He had taken away all my confidence and I hardly recocognise myself.
He wouldn't move in, spoke about marriage at the start and then acted like he was totally against it.
My son said that my ex just made me unhappy and the house was calmer without him, a nine year old has more sense than me.
I try to think of that when I think i miss him.
Best advice I got on this thread was to set a small simple routine. I started with making sure I sat down at ate breakfast, you might be surprised at how much you might start to enjoy small things without him being there.
My huge regret is that I let this guy consume my life for 4 years and my kids are 4 years older, I could have invested more time in them.
I hope you are okay x

I'm a few weeks in...kind of. Still in contact
( I know)

I think one of the main benefits of this thread is that we are not alone, knowing that this is a type of person,they do exist.It isn't us. It isn't in our heads.We are not actually going mad,even if it does feel that way. For me that has been very reassuring.

Its trauma,its addiction. Trauma bonds and withdrawal are just like coming off a drug, physically and mentally. I didnt realise at first ,I've not felt this way and then end of a relationship and wondered what was wrong with me.

I've taken meds to sleep but wake in a panic attack. I've lived on cups of scalding hot tea and bowls of cornflakes. At least my food bill is low!!! I've spent hours and hours in bed. I've watched dozens of YouTube videos ( richard Grannon) and amazon have delivered me any book I've seen recommended for this....

So..I guess I'm saying that please dont feel guilty or ashamed if your life has seemed to fall apart. Mine has. But support from this thread is fantastic, and we will come out the other side.

Oh and my grammar and ability to think and write in a cohesive manner have also gone out of the window!! Hope I sometimes make sense..

@NativeAustralian
I totally agree. So glad i posted on here.
How are you today?you sound better if that makes sense. X

@NativeAustralian in a Way comforting that we all feel the same and then we can help each other through it. I've not slept or ate for two days now but did manage a hot choc earlier which helped a lot and got rid of some of the shakes. The kids came back from their dads and said they didn't want to see recent ex anymore (they were away this weekend while it happened) so maybe that should strengthen my resolve. I then ended up texting him just now but totally pointless and he just gives short replies to discourage me. So that makes me feel worse. I know I should be NC but Finding that aspect hard. I found a couple podcasts on Spotify today which were helpful too. I can't listen to any music right now while it's so raw. Wondering if I should buy some sort of book

And I'm all over the place too, it took me three hours to make my kids dinner

@wanttofeelsafe
Don't be hard on yourself. A week ago I was the same and will probably be the same tomorrow, mondays seem worse for some reason for me.
It took me hours to get dressed etc and the physical pain was awful last week.
I hope i keep feeling like this, i feel a bit better.
I couldn't do anything at first as it was so raw.

I ordered the demi levato book today, supposed to be very inspirational. Worth a try.
How are the kids?

Hi @Nursing2029 Thanks for sharing. I also got involved with a toxic man very quickly after the end of my marraige. We split recently and it was only after it was over that I realised how much of my head he had taken over. I didnt know about narcissistic relationships, I didn't even realise how psychologically abusive he was being until I get the head space back. The anxiety and cognitive dissonance that happens by being with them scramble your brains. Its like mental torture, so unlike the end of a regular relationship where you have an idea of what went wrong and probably some closure, its just like being left shell shocked. Its way more traumatic and confusing than I expected. But all the messages here are armouring me to never let him back in my life. because that's one common theme wherever I read about this (and I obsessively am since I realised what it was), it never gets better if they think they have any power over you - they will keep crushing you. Its incredible to believe people can be like that, especially someone you loved. But they are not the person you loved, that was all an act they couldnt keep up - so sad.
I wish I could give you more advice, only stay strong, dont blame yourself - Day by day, little by little it has to get better.
This community is great for support.

@heartlikepaper
Hi
Thanks for your message.
I hope you are okay. I was really naive and didn't think anyone was this bad.
I went back four times and each time was worse than the last.
I went back one last time after I discovered seedy videos he had been sending because I thought he would be sorry and nice , it lasted a few days and he still acted like he had power over me..he is horrible.
I found it really hard as he could act normal sometimes and I would be so grateful i would forget.
You are right about being shell shocked, I had never experienced anything like it.
I am so glad i posted on here as only someone who has experienced this understands how it feels.
Thanks so much for your support x

I've been out for a really long walk today,plus actually watched tv which did help. I think I'm slowly coming round to the fact that any interaction I have is just more of the same,I hope I can accept what really is rather than what I wanted it to be

@Nursing2029 I have come round a bit today, I'm really going to have to,as everything is slipping,including my work and that will be a disaster of epic proportions.

@heartlikepaper how strange that we all fell into this after a failed marriage,and appear to have dated clones of the same dysfunctional man...Obviously they see us and our vulnerability and loneliness, our desire for love at any cost.

@wanttofeelsafe I know everything points to NC and I'm sure it's the best way...however,at this moment,for me I simply cannot do it. It will have to be done in steps as I am so mentally unwell at the minute,it would probably tip me over the edge and with kids,work etc I cant risk it. I'm trying to follow being kind to myself,and to be honest,a lot of the generic advice about breaking up ( go NC, cry a bit,get out there you'll be fine in a week etc) simply doesn't apply after this kind of abusive relationship. It might not be the best,but it's the best I can do.

So glad we can share ( while wishing we didnt have to).

Naive is the word for it, but we will spot these guys a mile away in future. Emotional Vampires. I am exhausted after it but luckily far away from him, the distance definitely helps. I do miss the regular contact but even that was naive, i thought he was interested in me and what was going on with me but Its not that, (my eye-opening research reveals!) its just a control thing to keep your focus on them.
I agree, It is a relief to be able to share this with people who understand.
I hope you sleep ok tonight. Its the best medicine x

@NativeAustralian

Glad to hear you went a walk and watched TV.
Little steps.
It sounds like most of us came out of a marriage and were vulnerable when we met these men.
I am glad we can share too. We can help eachother through this

@heartlikepaper
I feel exhausted too. I kept pushing and pushing hoping I would spark some emotion or get back what I thought was the old him.
Eventually nothing he did shocked me.
I miss the company, especially at night. Or maybe its my thoughts i don't like.
It certainly is a relief, if i talk to people they don't understand why i stayed with him.
Sleep definitely helps x

Did anyone manage to sleep last night? I managed until about 4am but woke up hot and sweaty and couldn't get back off. My shoulders ache and I feel sad. I hate this feeling. I'm tired of it already and it's so emotionally draining. I'm trying to arrange meet ups with friends, but it all feels forced because because all I want to do is spend time with him. I keep thinking of all the good things which in my case there were lots of and I'm minimising they bad. I was thinking of ending it myself a few weeks ago but all that seems forgotten while I struggle to manage without him. I will have to try and eat today I'm getting weaker and weaker but I just have no appetite it's impossible