'I preferred you when you weren't as big'

[hopingtobedally]

What are your thoughts on this comment? You are discussing with your OH how he appears to not show any attraction to you anymore
You have gained weight over the years however so your husband also has and he's aged very badly yet you never say a word

I also agree with madwoman1ntheattic - and with feelingverylazytoday, why ask the question if OP is happy with herself, that other men find her attractive... and doesn't really find her partner attractive anyway?

It's sad that women often feel the need to use male validation as a barometer of attractiveness but that's how it is for some.

Hurtful to hear. A valid thing to say if asked about. You asked, you wanted honesty, it sounds like you got it. What did you want from the conversation? What does the response you got make you want to do now?

Lose the weight until your self esteem will hits the roof. Then start complaining men won’t leave you alone, that it’s a nightmare every time you go out. They say revenge is a dish best served cold! 🤣😂

I would be happy he told me the truth. Absolutely hate the whole 'I like you no matter how you look' if said unsincerely. Why would men have to tiptoe around their partners?

Typo - until your self esteem HITS the roof

You should have said I know exactly how you feel, I preferred you when you were slimmer and younger but it happens to all of us. X
We have to try harder to except each other for what we are now to regain some affection back. X

You asked him to be honest and he was.

What was he supposed to say?

If you're attractive with yourself and happy and confident as you are, he doesn't value you or act proud to be with you, is now not as attracted to you as he was and his personality grates on you then why do you even want to be in the relationship?

You said you don't "find him physically unattractive even though he's fatter greyer and very wrinkled" but do you actually find him attractive? there's a difference!!

Did OP ask specifically about her weight though? Was she seeking "male validation for" her attractiveness to the other sex?

I would interpret it differently. Op feels that her husband doesn't find her attractive. That must have manifested in his lack of affection (?) his lack of interest in her, his attitude to her or not instigating sex.

I think it's right to address that with him. I don't think she asked him Am I fat? specifically.

He is the one who's is blaming the issues in their marriage on her size.

So no, I don't think this is a "sad case of a woman seeking male validation" at all. It's a woman saying What's going on her? Don't you find me attractive any more? Why have you checked out of our marriage?
And he's basically answered that with You used to be thinner.

I think be honest? It’s tricky.... I’d really like my DH to lose a bit of weight in all honesty. His clothes don’t look right on him (he hasn’t bought new ones in ages, so all the ones he has are too tight and look uncomfortable) and his father was obese by the time he was 40. Frankly, sex is less good than when he was a bit slimmer and more athletic! I do find him less attractive at his current weight, but it sounds awful to say it.

He is a twat, your DH, OP. If he loved or respected you he wouldn't have said that. He could have, on the other hand, encouraged you to both start exercising.

What a wonderful way to ruin someone's self confidence. I want someone who brings me up not knocks me down especially about your appearance.

If my other half said something like this to me I would be so upset, and I've gained 3 stone since we met. There is no must not gain weight clause in a relationship of you ask me.

I guess it depends how much you want to be attractive to your husband. Do you have enough sex for your liking?

Oh for goodness sake! My DH has put on weight in the 20 years we have been together. So have I. But I didn't marry him for his waist size!
I married him because he's my best friend, he's intelligent, caring, funny, kind, great in bed, a good Dad to our kids.... would I like him to be healthier? Yes. Of course. But would I want to hurt his feelings by saying "i miss your 6 pack"? No. Because I'm not a shallow arsehole 🤷‍♀️

And a heads up to those of you saying "well she did ask..." if someone you love deeply asks you that question, then you say I love you & I fancy you & you're always the most beautiful person in the room in my opinion" and yes, if your partner seems upset about their extra weight then you can say..."i'd like to get fitter - shall we be running/ cycling/ swimming buddies? "... OR... "why don't you find some exercise class you enjoy & I'll help make time for you to fit it in?" ... there you go! That's what nice people say to their partners who they love. You're welcome

It doesn't mean you don't love your partner and it's not comparable to ageing.

It's not the end of the world to admit to a partner that they'd look better if less fat - especially when they have asked.

He quite entitled to not fancy anymore if you have changed from the women he originally fancied. I know my DH wouldn't fancy me if I put weight on, I don't like it myself so don't expect him to.

I don't lie my DH to loose too much weight and I tell him when he does, I don't love him any less, it just somethings I don't find particularly physically attractive.

He quite entitled to not fancy anymore if you have changed from the women he originally fancied. I know my DH wouldn't fancy me if I put weight on, I don't like it myself so don't expect him to.

I don't lie my DH to loose too much weight and I tell him when he does, I don't love him any less, it just somethings I don't find particularly physically attractive.

I don't find him physically unattractive even though he's fatter greyer and very wrinkled but his personality really grates on me at the moment.

Did you tell him that? You really should, especially if he thinks brutal honesty is the way to go.

I know my dh wouldn't fancy me if I put weight on

That's quite sad, how do you know? What if you were very ill and had to be given steroids? That causes huge weight gain and bloating as a side effect. What if you were disfigured in some way? Or pregnant?

The love in a marriage goes way deeper than fancying your partner's outward image doesn't it.

A lady on here who had a double mastectomy said afterwards her husband said I fancy you as much as the day I met you.
That's the perfect answer from someone who loves you.

You can’t be upset or mad with him when you’ve asked him to be honest. Would you rather he said nothing and just went off and had an affair. You need to take some action and get back in shape. You’ll feel better for it. I say that as someone who is doing the same.

OP,
You don't sound as if you like him very much, so I wouldn't bother taking on board his comments.

He quite entitled to not fancy anymore if you have changed from the women he originally fancied. I know my DH wouldn't fancy me if I put weight on, I don't like it myself so don't expect him to

We wont look the same forever. I suppose your DH is one to run off with a young'un once you get too old.

He’s being honest ..so you should be too. Weight loss together , or accept no sex life , or split up. Stalemate and resentment is a miserable way to live 🙄

I'm not being nasty but my DH is far from brad Pitt and never was so it's a good job for him I'm not as shallow