'I preferred you when you weren't as big'

[hopingtobedally]

What are your thoughts on this comment? You are discussing with your OH how he appears to not show any attraction to you anymore
You have gained weight over the years however so your husband also has and he's aged very badly yet you never say a word

I forced dh into admitting id put weight on,wasn't happy when he admitted I had but it was the kick up the arse I needed to lose the weight.If he had volunteered an opinion on my body without me asking i would go ape shit

@hopingtobedally
*@oakleaffy
So why did you ask him??

If you truly were happy, it wouldn't have entered your head to have asked him.
I have to lose a stone to be my ''ideal'' weight...{I stopped exercising as hard after a back op}...
I want to lose if for the sake of fitness...even being 7lbs overweight puts excess strain on knee and hip joints.. and ''visceral fat'' is very bad for us.
For me it is health reasons why I want to lose that stone...and keep it off!.... Not for ''looks'' as much.

It is a fair comment, if very badly communicated. Men are visual creatures. He has started the conversation, so maybe you should bring up how you feel about his body and looks?

It's not about your looks really is it? It's his attitude.

Your chemical menopause has caused weight gain. Would he be this blunt if you'd had a mastectomy, all your hair had fallen out or something?

You've pointed out that he shows no attraction to you. He has confirmed that. That must hurt.

Is he unaffectionate, cold, or doesn't want sex? That won't be solved by you getting into a size ten.
There are probably deeper issues.
Perhaps this is a rough patch. Our pandemic situation has put a massive strain on most people's relationships.

[quote hopingtobedally]@oak I'm happy and confident as I am though [/quote]
Then don’t let this man diminish that, don’t let his behaviour undermine you.

Well you did ask and it is someting of a drip feed yet again.
You should never ask if you are not going to like the answer.

If you are happy and confident how you are then great. I dont think he gets to judge what is the perfect weight for you?

My husband had great muscles when we met and over the years I've lost and gained weight. I know he prefers me a bit leaner. Would I say no to him getting his 6 pack back (no!). But it doesn't drastically change my feelings for him or desire sexually.

It might be different if I thought my husband, or he thought I was, unhealthily overweight?

I actually think the exercise together thing would be good - not so that you loose weight, though you might gain more muscle perhaps, but would be a nice excuse for you both to spend time together?

You asked him and he gave you an honest answer. He just should have followed up with 'but I love you no matter what and still think you are sexy as'. If you have a happy marriage I think perhaps you've just taken his comment too much to heart. He would probably feel sad to know he has upset you?

Why are you trying to lose weight if you're happy as you are?

You asked. He answered honestly, if not tactfully.

However,

You have gained weight over the years however so your husband also has and he's aged very badly yet you never say a word

I would tell him this. Why hold back?

But more generally, he doesn't sound great from what you say about him. Are you sure you want to be with him?

It's a no win situation. He's not as attracted to you and so isn't as nice to you - it's not just the sex is it? The question is has he ever been nice apart from the first few years? Is this 'have drifted apart lately'? Or 'has always been an arse'?

Some men take it personally when we put a lot of weight on and think we don't care about them or making an effort for them. Sometimes that's because they also make no effort physically or emotionally and we are fed up, mostly sometimes not.

Most Some men make no effort physically but don't have the same pressure to look good. Some women don't mind, some do. I think we can forgive them a lot more if they are nice to us.

If you are medically overweight or even obese you should lose it for YOU. Using a diet tailored for your hormones (there are plenty) and exercising - both of which will improve your hormones no end. But that's separate to your husband - you lose weight and then leave, or lose weight and dont leave.

If you did it and he started making an effort too then you might feel ok. Or if he's just a prick then you take your new body into the dating world. But I don't think it's completely fair to just say it doesn't matter - because it does to him.

Whether you still want him after all that is up to you.

Oh and while you are doing it you make sure that's what he eats too and you tell him
'You could stand to lose a few pounds yourself.' And 'a man of your age needs to exercise'.

He doesn't get off the hook. Because I think reading between the lines you've probably had just about enough of him. He doesn't sound like a prince amongst men I have to say.

I've put on 2 stone which I'm losing slowly and my DP has never said anything hurtful. He's not a dick.

He's not attracted to you when you're at this size. You're perfectly happy being this size and find hard to lose weight anyway.

Separately, you don't seem to like him very much.

I'm not sure how you find your way back from that, to be honest... Do you want to? Does he want to? You have some pretty big issues to overcome, but your posts don't suggest either of you are passionate enough about saving the relationship to do anything about it.

Seeing as we're playing the honesty game... is the only reason you're still together habit?

So time to be honest with him

Tell him you are happy how you are, tell him what you don’t like about him

If he is prepared to do something, then perhaps you could compromise and lose a bit?

@LonginesPrime

"I preferred you when you weren't as rude!"

The perfect response.

I wouldn't be happy but I'd also be glad he was honest. He wasn't nasty, or even saying he preferred something unattainable, he just preferred you as you were before. Now you can decide what you do about it. I've just had my hair chopped off into a longish bob, and was told it was nice but he said he preferred it longer, i like it though so its staying!!

So many mixed messages here. On one hand you claim to be happy and come fuse to as you are, on the other you say you are struggling to lose weight due to chemical menopause.
Honestly? I feel like because of your current medical status and wait for hysterectomy that you are having a wee mid life crisis and struggling to deal with moving into the next life stage. You are over-focused on how fuckable you seem (to both your dh and other men, randomly) and are bullying him into telling you he doesn’t fancy you fat.
I think the problem here is how you are dealing with not being a young, fuckable, child-bearer, and how you see yourself, not how anyone else sees you.
Deal with your own head and the ageing process, and grieving for any kids you feel are now not possible, then you can figure out how you feel about your marriage.

My exh said the same to me. It was part of a much bigger issue

OP, regarding your struggle to lose weight at the moment due to hormones, can I suggest you read Dr Jason Fung The Obesity Code, or watch his videos. It takes a hormonal approach to weightloss, rather than calories in, calories out, move more.

[quote hopingtobedally]@oak I'm happy and confident as I am though [/quote]
So why did you ask him then?

reply "I preferred you when you were. " (provide your own ending)

I think madwoman1ntheattic has hit the nail on the head.

I don't agree with @madwoman1ntheattic in that I think OP sounds happy in herself but she is trying to get to the bottom of her DH's seeming lack of attraction by asking this question.

I don't think you should lose the weight, OP, if you are happy as you are and as long as the weight isn't giving you any health problems.

I'd only make an effort if he was making an effort to lose weight himself.

It sounds like you are not attracted to him because of his attitude.

There are men out there who like curvier ladies... I've even had an ex boyfriend tell me I was getting too thin for him, personally I would love my partner even if he put on lots of weight.

You asked him and he said what he thought.

Most people know when they are overweight or not.
Menopause is a great time to work on your diet and exercise for a healthy life as you age.
And that has zero to do with your DH or anyone else.

Get a couple sets of hand weights and find a lifting routine (youtube), get some cardio in daily, and stretch daily. It will help you in every way. Stronger bones, less aches and stiffness, stronger heart, better mood.

Evaluate your diet. How healthy is it? Cut back on processed foods, sweets, and alcohol.

Funny when I made these things habits just as brushing my teeth or bathing, I became much more confident and didn't really think about my appearance that much anymore.

I wouldn’t have asked if I thought I might not like the answer. I’d want to be healthy anyway so would try by lose the weight (for myself).