'I preferred you when you weren't as big'

[hopingtobedally]

What are your thoughts on this comment? You are discussing with your OH how he appears to not show any attraction to you anymore
You have gained weight over the years however so your husband also has and he's aged very badly yet you never say a word

@Bluntness100 no- it's entirely possible some issues affect various people you know?

You should never have asked him if you weren’t prepared for an honest answer that you might not like
He’s just telling you how he feels - which you asked for.

I often ask my dp if I look a bit fat and I DEFINITELY want an honest answer so it can motivate me to do something about it. My dp is about 3 stone overweight. But it’s not about what I feel about his weight - I ask him for his honest opinion on my weight and that’s what I appreciate and get.

@paris1994 he's never been jealous
Even when I was a lot slimmer and men would openly leer at me

It is tough as you did ask for honesty & he gave you that. It’s not like this comment came out of the blue & was uninvited.

Also how has he “aged badly” ? Have you both gained a comparable amount of weight?

Can you just say, "Right back at ya, Big Boy. Shall we diet?"

I did want an honest answer as I wanted him to confirm what I already suspected
I'm just confused what to do as if you aren't attracted is it something that can ever be solved?

I think if you pushed for the answer then just appreciate the honesty.
I've done the same with my dh, and he reluctantly said similar but I don't judge him for it. Its just common sense, most people find slim people more physically attractive than fat people - and i say that as someone who is very much a fatty.

@hopingtobedally

I did ask him to be honest I just don't know what to do now

"What you said earlier really hurt me. However as we are being honest you are no longer slim and fit yourself. You are X, Y and Z so are in no place to criticise me. So either we both go on a health kick or there are other issues to be ironed out. So which is it?"

I prefered my husband when he wasn,t so big, actually he prefered it too. But his situation is different. Situations change if you live a healthier life style then that would be good for both of you. Perhaps you could suggest a sport you could do together or talk about how the household could eat more healthy. Make it about both of you.

I don't think he did anything wrong. As for what to do now, that is for you both to talk about and decide. You say he has gained weight too, does he know how you feel? Do you want to lose weight? It is fine for you not to but also fine for him to view you differently now just like you do him. It could be something to do together and it might bring you back together just being united in something or it could be that you have grown apart. More honesty needed in a discussion I think.

You shouldve said something like i totally get where youre coming from. I think youve aged badly witg xyz and thats wgy im also not attracted to you anymore. I can shape up but sadly with you esp after what you said theres noway id ever feel attracted again.

Are you still attracted to him OP?

Oh I see what you mean

I would try lose some weight so he likes you again maybe? Men are more visual

Banana pancakes that's not true many men (and I dare say women) are attracted to larger types

If I wanted to stay with him, I'd do something about it. But I'd suggest he join me in whatever I decided to do about it because 'pot, kettle'.

@MynameisHappind

You shouldve said something like i totally get where youre coming from. I think youve aged badly witg xyz and thats wgy im also not attracted to you anymore. I can shape up but sadly with you esp after what you said theres noway id ever feel attracted again.

But you have no idea whether the OP still finds him attractive?

You're projecting massively there.

@WorraLiberty not really and that's not particularly because of his physical form but the way he behaves which is a whole other ball game

[quote hopingtobedally]@WorraLiberty not really and that's not particularly because of his physical form but the way he behaves which is a whole other ball game [/quote]
OK, so neither of you find each other particularly attractive.

The difference here is you asked him outright and told him to give an honest answer, which he did.

Are you still in love with each other?

What did you want him to say, hopingtobedally? You say that you've suspected this and he's had enough respect for you to be honest with you instead of lying to you.

He can't hide his reduced attraction to you and you've had confirmation that it is your size that is playing a part in that. It's a bald statement but I don't think what he said was unkind. He didn't say that he doesn't love you anymore or given any indication that this would be the case if you got bigger even, he's just said that his preference was for when you were slimmer.

Is he right? Are you happy with your body/weight? If not then take it as a prompt to do something about it - for you. To make yourself how you want to be. I know that when I've put on weight (and not even a lot) it makes me really cross with myself and it affects other people than me as that's the prism I view myself through. Would you feel better in yourself if you got to a weight you were happy with?

Never mind what your husband looks like - don't do 'tit for tat'. Think before you say something in retaliation because that can escalate. Decide what you'll do - for yourself - and then have another conversation about your husband's weight if that's affecting how you see him.

It really isn't fair to ask somebody to be truthful and then punish them when they are. Don't ask a question that you don't actually want the answer to in future.

[quote hopingtobedally]@WorraLiberty not really and that's not particularly because of his physical form but the way he behaves which is a whole other ball game [/quote]
Do you actually want to stay married to him then?

How do you feel about being bigger @hopingtobedally and are you still attracted to your DH? Does it affect your lifestyle or confidence? I prefer my DH with less weight but I’m still attracted to him. It would take other factors for me to lose interest.

I was so slow typing that that I didn't see Worra's or hoping's follow-up post. It doesn't change mine, I still don't think 'tit for tat' is ever helpful but obviously, if there are other things going on in the relationship then perhaps the pressing thing is to consider if there's a point to carrying it on at all?

[quote hopingtobedally]@WorraLiberty not really and that's not particularly because of his physical form but the way he behaves which is a whole other ball game [/quote]
Sounds like your relationship is dead anyway. He's gone off you physically, you've gone off him emotionally.

Couples counselling?

Tone is everything here. If you asked and obviously genuinely wanted to know, and he was gentle in saying totally honestly he did prefer you before, maybe that could have led to a conversation about both of you going on a health kick?

It's hurtful, but tbh I'd be far more hurt by someone who said, 'I love you whatever size you are' but clearly didn't really find me as attractive.'
If you love him, say, 'That's understandable. I preferred you when you were slim and muscular and had hair too. Shall we make a joint effort to get fit and lose weight and become attractive to each other again?'