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Original poster

'I preferred you when you weren't as big'

148 replies

hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 14:52

What are your thoughts on this comment? You are discussing with your OH how he appears to not show any attraction to you anymore
You have gained weight over the years however so your husband also has and he's aged very badly yet you never say a word

OP posts:
ohthegoats · 19/07/2020 16:01

What would happen if you weren't with him? Would you lose weight? I guess what I mean, although it is questionable, is would you lose weight to attract another partner more easily?

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 19/07/2020 16:05

If you don't find him attractive, why do you want him to find you attractive?

Yes you can get attraction back. Sounds relatively easy for you to get him to find you attractive. Question is, do you think that would improve your life if he finds you attrative, but you don't find him attractive?

Is this one of those cases where the marriage is done, but you are trying to find someway it's his fault ?

2155User · 19/07/2020 16:07

Oh no you're one of the "tell me honestly" people who then get really annoyed when someone does tell them honestly

Your husband could have been more tactful, but you asked him and he has every right to prefer you slimmer if that is how you were when you met

MaeDanvers · 19/07/2020 16:07

I would feel hurt but maybe I’d have also been honest and said I wasn’t as pleased with his appearance as used to be and maybe make a pact to get healthier together. But tbh I’ve never mentioned a partners weight to them when they’ve gained even if I did prefer them a bit slimmer as it’s just a bit rude I think.

Original poster
hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 16:08

I personally feel very attractive and happy with myself
I frequently get compliments about how I look and dress. I'm really struggling to lose weight now I'm in chemical menopause and am waiting for a hysterectomy
I don't find him physically unattractive even though he's fatter greyer and very wrinkled but his personality really grates on me at the moment. He has never made me feel like he's proud to be with my and values me

OP posts:
Original poster
hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 16:09

@2155User where have I said I'm not happy with him answering me?
I'm saying I don't know what to do with this

OP posts:
Original poster
hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 16:10

@ohthegoats no as I have no problems attracting other men

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/07/2020 16:12

*Can you just say, "Right back at ya, Big Boy. Shall we diet?"
I think OP has probably missed the moment!

OP you should never ask questions if you don't want to hear the truth

BlackSwan · 19/07/2020 16:12

there's your answer. Find another man. Then tell husband you're leaving him for someone who loves you as you are.

Straycatblue · 19/07/2020 16:15

@hopingtobedally

I did ask him to be honest I just don't know what to do now
You asked him to be truthful and he was and you didnt like it.

People often expect others to lie or pussyfoot around the truth politely when these questions are asked in order to prevent your own self from acknowledging the truth about what your body is like now. ie "Youre not that bad" etc etc

It allows you to lie to yourself as well and not have to make uncomfortable choices/lifestyle changes to either get the weight off you or to address unpleasant truths in your relationship.

What you do with the information you now know is up to you, take some time to think about it.

Are you happy with your body the way it is? Then great,
Do you want to be more attractive to your husband- then you will have to lose weight.

Are you even attracted to your husband, from your opening post it doesnt sound like it, and if neither of you are attracted to each other then maybe its time to have a good look at your marriage. Love is very different from attraction and you may well love each other but need to work together to resolve the lack of attraction on both sides.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 19/07/2020 16:16

Perhaps before deciding what to do with the information, you should think about why you asked in the first place.

Why do you care if a man you don't want to have sex with wants to have sex with you or not?

oakleaffy · 19/07/2020 16:20

I know of men who really dread their women getting ''dumpy'' and talks about it together....... BUT they are slim trim men who take lots of exercise themselves, and don't carry an ounce of fat.

If you asked your husband, and he was truthful, you can't blame him.
Losing excess poundage is good for all of us Men as well as women..
I watched a video of London in the 1960's, and it was startling how everyone was so slim...
No one was remotely overweight, and these were general street scenes.

I think we have undoubtedly become much ''fatter'' as a Nation.. Much less activity, and much more snacking.

midsomermurderess · 19/07/2020 16:24

Why do so many people go for the nuclear option here? Leave him, divorce him, tell him he's a slob. Is that really how you live your own lives, manage your own relationships? It's adolescent. OP, If you feel good about yourself you do need to talk to him about if there is a way forward for you both , but like a normal, grown-up person. There sound as if there are some long-term issues around feeling valued that need to be addressed too.

monkeyonthetable · 19/07/2020 16:24

Why do you care if a man you don't want to have sex with wants to have sex with you or not?
That's an over-simplification, though. He's not 'a man' - he's her husband. And while she may not find him as physically attractive as she once did, that doesn't mean there's no love there or that they don't have a strong marriage worth saving. They may both have arrived at that stage lots of long marriages go through where they take stock and think: the physical aspect of our relationship is a bit rubbish right now. What can we do to get it back?
Why immediately decide a marriage is dead just because of some middle-aged spread?

Ryah76 · 19/07/2020 16:24

Ok, I would be angry and hurt and I’d use those feelings to fuel My new diet and exercise regime. There is nothing sweeter than having the last laugh, which is exactly what you’d be doing by dropping those pounds.. for you! Your mental health will improve, your self esteem will rock... and then what will hubs have to say?

ajs88 · 19/07/2020 16:24

It's a very sensitive subject, it should be a approached delicately, appropriately (not after having a baby for example) and without double standards or hypocrisy. I would say he is guilty of the first and last points.

I've raised my partners weight with him and I've been extremely careful not to be in-sensitive. BUT.... I've also not fallen for his 'Do you think I'm fat' and then I'm suppose to say of-course not you're perfect. AND.... I know he would not have been that sensitive with me if it had been the other way round.

The honest truth is that I have fancied him more, we've had more sex, and I've enjoyed sex more with him since we've both lost weight. I had a little tummy, he had a much bigger one.

jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 16:25

My husband and I said things like that to each other and neither of us took much notice; quite honestly we both preferred ourselves a bit slimmer! We still loved each other regardless.

ajs88 · 19/07/2020 16:27

Ok, I would be angry and hurt and I’d use those feelings to fuel My new diet and exercise regime. There is nothing sweeter than having the last laugh, which is exactly what you’d be doing by dropping those pounds.. for you! Your mental health will improve, your self esteem will rock... and then what will hubs have to say?

'Good it worked' ???

Original poster
hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 16:28

@oak I'm happy and confident as I am though

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 19/07/2020 16:28

what do I do now?

You either go on a diet and tell him to as well or you split up.

roarfeckingroar · 19/07/2020 16:33

Could you feasibly lose some weight OP? If it's a problem for you too. You shouldn't have to, but then he was honest and you don't seem content either, so maybe take this as a kick start?

Original poster
hopingtobedally · 19/07/2020 16:34

I'm really struggling to lose any at the moment due to hormonal treatment

OP posts:
roarfeckingroar · 19/07/2020 16:35

Just seen you're happy as you are. Bollocks to him then.

roarfeckingroar · 19/07/2020 16:35

Just seen you're happy as you are. Bollocks to him then.

randomer · 19/07/2020 16:38

I prefered you when.......stinks. You are the same person.

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