He went home and left me in hospital

[Jade4455]

Hi, a number of years ago I was very poorly and rushed to hospital.
It was shortly after the birth of my child and I was completely exhausted with very little help from my husband. He was always working and busy. I did everything myself.
The first night I was in hospital the doctor told my husband he could stay with me, I was gradually getting worse and they were considering moving me to Intensive Care.
At about midnight, he left.
He was uncomfortable on the chair and “really tired” he also smokes and I could tell he needed a cigarette as he was irritable and snappy.
I had two doctors with me for sometime after that and things were not great, one asked me why he had gone, I can’t remember what I said. I was alone.
I have never been able to forgive him.
Our marriage has suffered and my anxiety is awful as I’m petrified of Illness, dying alone or leaving kids behind as he’s always so busy working. He tried to understand “my anxieties”
What do I do?
I don’t want to leave him But can’t see myself forgiving him. I would never have left him. I haven’t properly told anyone this, but many years on it’s still a huge problem for me.
He has apologised about it, but for some reason I can’t let it go in my head and I’m concerned a lot of my current anxieties stem back to this.

Have you thought about getting help for this OP? Sounds like issues best worked on with a professional. Strangers on the internet can only give limited insight.

It sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you and there’s resentment tied up with the trauma. I agree with DearLiza, if it’s still bothering you years later it’s worth talking it over with a professional. I would suggest starting on your own and maybe having a joint session later down the line to express how you feel to your husband.

Thank you so much for your messages, I was very nervous posting as wasn’t sure where to go but needed to say it. There is terrible trauma there, I have lived with it everyday since.
I had counselling twice after, both time I spoke of my struggles with anxiety and illness but I never told her about him leaving. It’s like I wanted to protect him or potentially not hear how bad it is. Yes your probably right I should seek help for this.

When I was with my exh I fell down the stairs, I was in agony and thought I have broken my back. He made me ring my own ambulance, because he didn't like talking to people.

I never forgave him

Your phrase “there is terrible trauma there. I have lived with it every day since”, sounds like you might have PTSD. I’m not an expert but from the little I do know, that choice of words stood out. If you can afford it, seek counselling - I am sure you can get past this with help.

Op you sound like you may have ptsd. Please seek help.
Speaking to a therapist honestly about what happened will help you: they don't know your husband and you must not protect him here. Wishing you well!

Thank you x
But I’ve already Had help twice and I’m worried I’ll just be wasting people’s time. But then I’m worried that the real reason I can’t get over it is because of my views on my husbands behaviour at that time. If I left him, would the anxiety go... Is it our relationship that is causing me to still feel down about this x

Have you thought about getting help for this OP? Sounds like issues best worked on with a professional. Strangers on the internet can only give limited insight.

@DearLiza I don't think OP is pathological. She could get therapy if she felt like it, but she's right to think how her OH acted wasn't ok.

But then I’m worried that the real reason I can’t get over it is because of my views on my husbands behaviour at that time.

@Jade4455 Exactly. That's what you mostly mention in your OP. Ok you have anxiety etc but it sounds like he's trying to blame you not being happy with how he acted on your mental health/trying to convince you your still being upset by it is something wrong with you, when instead you're right to think his behaviour wasn't good.

It was a number of years ago....
However I have been in a similar situation where my ex husband left me at home seriously ill with what turned out to be pneumonia with two under 2's for over 24 hours as he had a works do night out and he refused to cancel it.
I could never forgive him or forget it although we stumbled along until the children were teenagers.
I have no advice, as how do you forgive the unforgiveable?
All I can say is that I do regret staying with him after that and looking back I wish I had left him there and then.

You say he's always busy working. So has his behaviour changed at all since the birth? A crisis will really make clear whether someone is very selfish or caring, but there

even without a crisis there is often day to day behaviour that will let you know whether he is selfish or not, or whether he is thoughtful and supportivf you. An apology is utterly useless if his behaviour going forward doesn't improve.

What do you want OP? Do you want to be able to forgive and forget, or do you want him to do or say something or to change the way he behaves at present?

I think you need to work that out first. If you want to be able to forgive and forget then I would seek counselling to 'unstick' yourself from the thoughts you have and to be able to move on.

If you want him to change or do something then I think you're on a hiding to nothing probably. Would an apology ever be enough?

An ex of mine woukk OK don't drive me to a doctors when I woke screaming with abdominal pain. I had to drive myself home and rang him swearing. So he did his work sales meeting then picked me up about an hour or so later - but we had to stop and go in for breakfast for him - I couldnt eat. I had to climb in and out of a 4 wheel drive too!

Turns out it was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy - thank god the GP thought to do a pregnancy test, and eventually got rushed into surgery.

Yep. He was a selfish arse that's for sure.

I don't think it's you, it's him. That is appalling that he left you at your most vulnerable, I don't blame you for holding resentment till now. Has he changed since then? Does he make more of an effort or was it just an empty apology?

I'm not sure I could live life resenting the person I should be able to trust the most

DH did something similar. Partly due to his own mother's inertia in a crisis and no learnt ability about how to behave in a crisis setting, partly due to his job which was and is all consuming.

I have learnt over the years to deal with his responses and he has learnt what normal, feeling people need to do in a crisis.

I think some honest therapy would be good. Therapy only works when the participant has reached a stage when they are ready to unpack what happened and examine all their feelings and then to decide what can safely go back in the box and what stays out for further help, possibly involving both of you.

OP you have two choices. Decide to forgive and do EMDR to get over the trauma (google it)

Or leave.

The third choice of staying miserably is not viable really.

And the fourth choice of 'talking to him' till he 'understands' is a total waste of time.

I also think you need to seek help, if doctors were with you he would have been asked to leave the vicinity anyway and he couldn’t have helped, plus his views would have been you both needed to rest.

As such it was a decision at the time that he felt was best, spending the night in a chair is not good.

Get some help as none of us can unpick why you feel like this years later.

Thanks, this is what I’m questioning, it always stems back to my anxiety, my issues in my head and my ability to not be able to “get over it” but ultimately would I still be struggling this way from a serious illness That happened years ago had I had my husband supporting me and standing by my side through it all? If I felt that that I have chosen a man who will never leave me when I need him and show the same care I would have given to him. If I had that comfort and reassurance would I have been able to mend better? Is the reason I can’t mend because I have chosen a life partner that would rather sleep than show me the support I would have shown a complete stranger.

You’re not wasting peoples time by paying for therapy. You have to prioritise your own self care and your mental health. Find a therapist who specialises in PTSD and anxiety. Get somebody experienced. Search in your area for counselling plus those two search terms. That experience has cause anxiety because it made you realise that your DH is unreliable. Trust is now broken. If you had another scare would he be there. You can’t rely on him to protect and care for you and that’s a terrible place to be in with a marriage. What is your gut telling you? Is it telling you to end the marriage and find somebody you can trust?

I think you are pretty clear that you know you can’t rely on him. It’s a tough decision but you deserve a life partner who you know has your back

You say he has apologised...what has he been like since?
If he has acknowledged he was very wrong and seen the error of his ways there is a future with him.
My ex never apologised and it was never mentioned between us.

My gut tells me my life will be hard if I stay with him.
It’s so silly that something like this can impact my view on him moving forward in Such a massive way, is it a ridiculous reason for leaving him!
But my fear is being 70+ having health issues and feeling incredibly alone. Regretting a decision I didn’t make 40 years ago.
Very true that you see someone’s selfishness during a crisis.
He is the type to work when I’m poorly, let me muddle through with kids, if they are ill he will fetch things to help but it’s very much down to me to deal with. Just doesn’t show much emotion or care. I have noticed his parents are both similar.

Post ICU PTSD is very well known about op. Could your GP help you to access counselling? You are certainly not alone in feeling like this following treatment in ICU.

@crimsonlake

You say he has apologised...what has he been like since? If he has acknowledged he was very wrong and seen the error of his ways there is a future with him. My ex never apologised and it was never mentioned between us.

He apologised a few years ago, I told him he had upset me by leaving. He said that he was scared and found it all too much. But his words and behaviour did not show this whatsoever and I know this is a lie, when I didn’t forgive him he then told me the doctor told him to go home. The same doctor that came to me and asked me why he left

I had counselling twice after, both time I spoke of my struggles with anxiety and illness but I never told her about him leaving. It’s like I wanted to protect him or potentially not hear how bad it is.

When I was still with my ex I used to read threads on MN from women in very similar circumstances to me. I knew if I posted here what the answers would be. It's a very very difficult thing, realising that the man you love isn't there for you.

it always stems back to my anxiety, my issues in my head and my ability to not be able to “get over it”

Why is it your anxiety and issues? Your husband left you when you were in a very dangerous situation. What sort of person would do that?

If you go for counselling again, which I think would be a good idea, you have to address the main problem and take it from there